Whoever I Am

Adam ran into a guy I dated briefly at the corner-store before coming over to my apartment. He didn't plan on telling me but I could see that something was dancing around in the back of his mind. He'd often stare right at my forehead while we talked, it was like he was trying to look through me and see my very core. When I asked him what was eating him up inside, I was very alarmed but content that he was truthful.

"I ran into a guy named Nate at the drug store," he said absentmindedly.

Nate was a boy I'd dated my freshman year of college. I was now a senior, taking all the classes I needed to get my teaching degree and get out into the world. He'd been a year ahead of me but he'd stayed around in the city after graduating, just exploring his options. Well, at least that is what I guessed because we didn't talk to one another since the break up. He'd slept with me a few times but I wasn't sure if I was happy or not, so I pushed him away. I'm awful good at that.

But he'd been hurt by it, and told everyone how cold I had been to him. The saddest part of it all was that he wasn't lying. He tried to push him away because I was convinced no one could want me. I scoffed at his ideas, even though I found them fascinating and admired his dedications. Most hurtful of all, however, was that I didn't come to meet his parents on his birthday. Things were just moving too fast and I didn't think he actually loved me, and as a result, I said many hurtful things.

"Nate said that he'd heard from your other exes that they've seen us around together," Adam said after realizing I hadn't replied.

I didn't know what to say. If he was afraid I would hurt him, he was dead right. That was the kind of guy I was, the kind of guy I'd always been. I knew that I could never be loved, never let myself be loved. So when people got too close, I began to step backward. I began to criticize and shut them down. I would start arguments and hope that they'd leave me. That was the philosophy of my entire life; run away and break their heart before I get hurt by them. Not once did I ever consider that these boys could geniunely love me.

"He's right," I answered, voice raspy. "I'm just as heartless as he says I am."

"No," Adam retorted.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Just stop!" Adam nearly laughed in his frustrated state. "Whatever he said may or may not be true. But I think I understand you, Roland. At least enough to know why you act the way you do. You can't chance being hurt again, so you just push and push and push until you're alone. You think being alone can save you heartache."

I nearly laughed myself this time, but I started crying instead. How could he be so right?

"I really have changed since then," I muttered. "I promise I have."

"Roland, I believe that. And even if you do hurt me one day, I'm sure I'll deserve it."

"You don't deserve any pain," I pleaded.

"I have my own dirty laundry. I made lots of my own mistakes. I know that I'm not right for a guy like you but I'm going to give it my all just to make this work." Adam's green eyes glinted.

"Why would you do such a thing?" I sniffled.

"You're a pretty damn special guy, wether you can see it or not."