Whoever I Am
105
I tried to kill myself last night.
Coming home from the supermarket, I just couldn't still the rampant suicide in my body. I felt like screaming. I screamed, but it wasn't enough. It was dark, late, the sky blacklit without stars. I screamed in frustration as I watched the speedometer make it's clockwise path.
Fifty-five.
Sixty-five.
Seventy-five.
Ninety.
One hundred and five.
My tires are bad. They shake violently. I hoped they'd fall out of my control or that I'd come across a deer on the road and swerved violently off the road. Or, desperately enough, slide into the oncoming traffic.
Adam did not care for this, as I sent him Snapchat photos of my escalating death. He begged, cried, and I felt nothing. I think Adam hates me for what I do. I thought I was over this. I thought I had found some inkling of myself, but all I found was that I was so lost I didn't want to be found anymore.
It is the morning after and Adam acts hurt. He seems okay, just upset.
It is the evening now, and he acts as if nothing ever happened.
But last night I tried to kill myself and I can't shake that away.
Coming home from the supermarket, I just couldn't still the rampant suicide in my body. I felt like screaming. I screamed, but it wasn't enough. It was dark, late, the sky blacklit without stars. I screamed in frustration as I watched the speedometer make it's clockwise path.
Fifty-five.
Sixty-five.
Seventy-five.
Ninety.
One hundred and five.
My tires are bad. They shake violently. I hoped they'd fall out of my control or that I'd come across a deer on the road and swerved violently off the road. Or, desperately enough, slide into the oncoming traffic.
Adam did not care for this, as I sent him Snapchat photos of my escalating death. He begged, cried, and I felt nothing. I think Adam hates me for what I do. I thought I was over this. I thought I had found some inkling of myself, but all I found was that I was so lost I didn't want to be found anymore.
It is the morning after and Adam acts hurt. He seems okay, just upset.
It is the evening now, and he acts as if nothing ever happened.
But last night I tried to kill myself and I can't shake that away.