‹ Prequel: Most Unromantic Ways
Status: update at least once a week xo

Make This Go on Forever

Goddamn But I Love Her Anyway

"She's not breathing!"
"Ana. Ana?!"


I woke up again in a cold sweat, my body shivering. I held a hand to my chest as it pounded, breathing erratically as I looked over to Tony, who was still fast asleep.
I let out a gentle sigh through the break between my lips, before sliding my body out of the covers. I tiptoed to El's room, checking on her.
It's just a dream, it's just a dream. I reminded myself, my heart still pounding as I looked over her. Her tiny little fingers squeezed onto the curled lip of her fringing blanket as she peacefully slept in her crib.
I felt my body relax in relief, my shoulders shrugging down. But the weighed feeling still wouldn't go away, the feeling that had been pitted in my stomach for months.
The doctors had told me it was postpartum depression that made me feel like this. Alongside the anxiety and depression I had already, the mix wasn't what I needed. Of course I took the medication, I saw the therapists, I attended all of my appointments. I did my best to help, I wanted to try to be there.
But something... something wasn't right. My brain no longer clicked with things it should, my interest and self awareness no longer existed. I would sit and stare for hours, unable to even realize what had happened.
And Tony... why he was with me, I'd never know. We hadn't had sex in months. Sometimes he'd touch me and I'd pull away on instinct, terrified of contact with another human being. Some nights he stayed up with me, watching as I stared out a window or paced the carpet. He'd feed Eloise as well as me, having two babies on his hands. I was inadequate of his love. Undeserving.
I was hopeless.
I curled myself onto the couch, clad in one of Tony's shirts and underwear. I closed my eyes as my head touched my knees, enclosing myself in my own being. I hated myself, I hated for not being who I should be for my family. But I was going to fight for it, god damn it. I wasn't going to give away this beautiful life I've been given.
I didn't notice the wetness on my knees until I touched my face, pulling back with tear streaked fingertips.
"Ana, baby?" I heard Tony's tired voice, muffled but gradually coming closer. I felt a shift in the couch as he sat down beside me, pulling my feet into his lap. Without hesitation I curled into him, craving the closeness of his warm body. He held onto me, patting my hair and rubbing my back in soothing circles as I relaxed.
"I.. I love you so much." I whispered, kissing his naked chest. He shivered, but pulled me in closer.
"I love you more than you could ever imagine, love. We're going to get through this."
I breathed in ragged, pressing my lips over and over again on his body. After a few minutes of silent cuddling, I could feel Tony relax as he began to fall asleep, our bodies pressed together on the couch.
"C'mon, Tone." I whispered, getting up and holding his hand. He followed, stumbling behind me as we walked into our bedroom. He scooped me up into his arms, pulling me into him as we got into bed.
I couldn't say I slept much that night, but it was easy to say that Tony's arms were the only place I could happily rest my head.

***
"Ana banana!" I heard Jaime shout, running upstairs. I quickly swallowed the medication in my hand, before throwing open the bathroom door.
"Hime time!" I shouted back, grinning as I threw myself into his arms. Me and the guys were just as close as we were before everything happened, maybe even more so. They quickly took to positions as all being Uncle's to Eloise, through blood or not. They loved her just the same as their own family.
"My darling girl. I've really really missed you." Jaime smiled, holding me out at arms length as he looks me over. He had always taken to doing this, as if he could watch the insides of my body churn or my mind tick as my thoughts process.
"I missed you too Hime." I smiled, pecking him gently on the cheek. Which of course I couldn't lie about, not being able to see the guys as often as I used to really wore me down. Doctors suggested to keep my life at a minimum, not much excitement as I was only expected to try and live day to day.
"So where's my amor?" Jaime asked, hands behind his back as he rocked on the ball of his feet.
"She should be napping..." I said warningly, but still opened the door.
El was sat up in her crib, playing with her stuffed Chewbacca. I swear, Tony hid all of the generic toys just to push Eloise into a Star Wars obsession before she could walk.
"Hi! Hi!" She nearly screamed, flailing her arms as she squealed in excitement. Jaime ran in, picking her into his arms and spinning around the room.
"Ellie! Princess!" He laughed, holding her into his chest for a hug.
"Jaime! Don't hog my niece!" I could hear Vic shout from downstairs. Jaime sighed, rolling his eyes before heading down. It was safe to say the boys weren't very good at sharing.
When I got downstairs, I was embraced in a bear hug by Mike as he waited for me at the stairs. I smiled and waved at his girlfriend, Frenchi, who had tagged along with Mike. Which was typical, the two of them were inseparable. Vic grinned as he saw me, getting off the floor and pulling me into his arms for a minute long hug.
"I'm so happy to see you." He whispered before pulling away. Everything with Vic was great as well, he had submersed himself in family and in friends and became the happiest I'd seen him.
After a chat with the boys and the kettle was turned on, Tony stood behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist and his chin on my shoulder as we watched the boys play with El.
On days like these, things were perfect. But of course, it never lasted long.
♠ ♠ ♠
it's starting off really depressing, i know. i promise it to be light soon

xo