The Beautifully Tortured
Session Ten
"I need an answer to a question I have, doc, and you're the only one who can give me it," Dean said, halfway through their session.
Doctor Novak looked at his patient curiously. "Is that so? Well what's your question?"
Dean sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. "There's this kid I knew, way back when Sammy was a boy, who killed himself. We were only at that school for a couple of weeks, but near to the end he killed himself. Dunno what for and I don't really care, but a few years back we travelled back to that area and bumped into his sister. Man, I ain't never seen someone so hung up about somethin' that happened all those years back. She couldn't even look me in the eye and all she could talk about was him, almost as if he were alive. Now my question to you, doc, is what makes someone like that get hung over by somethin' that happened back when they were a kid. Why didn't she get over his death but their mother did."
"I don't think it's appropriate for me to answer. This session is supposed to be about you," he replied, eager to get his patient to drop the subject.
Unable to accept it, he pressed on. "You're the only one that can answer this for me. It's not like I see any other professional like you."
Doctor Novak sighed. "You're deviating again, Dean."
"I won't deviate again if you answer this question for me. Deal?"
Evidently the doctor wasn't prepared for the deal that the man proposed. He shifted in his chair, looking to form an answer to the question. "Well," he began, drumming his pen on his notebook as he thought. "Everyone deals with situations differently."
"But that don't explain it," he protested. "She let her life get consumed by his death but he's not ever coming back so why don't she just accept it."
"There could be an array of things that are stopping her from accepting her brother's death. Personal problems could also play a part in it, such as if she got fired from a job she might end up blaming that on her brother's death, or she might think that there's no point in doing anything in her life because everyone will leave like her brother."
Dean shook his head, sitting back in his chair and throwing an arm around the back of it. He didn't understand why someone would willingly allow themselves to get consumed over something that had happened over a decade ago. There were plenty of things that had happened to Dean in his childhood that he never really thought about, and then there was his mother's death when he was at a younger age, but he didn't continuously think about any of those events. It was just simpler to pretend that some events had never happened, while others had to be dealt with in order to be spoken about.
He knew that Sam never had much to deal with in his life, seeing as he was really young when their mother died and mostly knew her from all the times that he would talk about her. Being stuck in the back of a car for hours on end with Sam was one of the reasons why Dean managed to fully accept her death. He thought he would have spent longer mourning had their father not made them move out of the house, but that was because he had memories with her there and being surrounded by them would have made it harder to deal with. When he was younger he didn't understand why their father took them from the house, but as he got older he finally understood.
"Think about this then, Dean. Those memories you've suppressed are evidently bad memories that you did not want to remember. Now that you are starting to remember them, they're causing you pain and discomfort. You won't talk to anyone about them and are trying to forget them again. Clearly you have not accepted whatever it is that happened to you and despite your original attempt to bury it, it's not going away," Doctor Novak explained.
"What's that got to do with anything?" Dean asked, unsure about where the doctor was going. Suppressing memories and letting a tragedy consume you were two different things completely so he had no idea how they could be linked.
The doctor cleared his throat. "The memory of her brother's death is a bad one but she's able to live each day with the knowledge that it's happened. She's accepted it to a point and although it may seem that she's let it consume her, there's probably more to it than what you know. You, on the other hand, don't seem to acknowledge that whatever happened to you in your childhood has actually happened with the fact that you've repressed those memories and are adamantly against anything to do with it. When you started to remember certain bits from the memories, you turned to alcohol to help," he said.
"And...?"
"And this woman you are speaking about appears to be coping with it through speaking about her brother and keeping him in her thoughts. From what you've described, it doesn't seem to be entirely healthy for her, but she's facing reality."
However, that comment annoyed Dean, making him lean forward in his seat. "She's facing reality by allowing it to take over her life?" he asked incredulously.
"By acknowledging that it actually happened," the doctor amended. "The difference between her and you is that you don't want to acknowledge that something traumatic happened to you in your childhood which is why you're keen to drown it out with alcohol."
"Who says it was traumatic?" he snapped.
"Have you come to terms with what happened? Accepted it? No, you continue to repress it because you don't want to acknowledge it." His words made Dean pause in his seat. Come to terms with it? It had never been an option to him because in order to fully accept something like that, you had to be able to talk to someone about it or have that period of time when you could deal with it mentally. Unfortunately, he had neither.
His eyes found the clock and he realised that they were a minute over their session's expiration. Mumbling a goodbye, he stood up from his chair and made his way out of the room. He needed to get himself into check by the next session and stop with the stupid questions. The doctor was never going to be able to help him, and that was something Dean knew for sure.
Doctor Novak looked at his patient curiously. "Is that so? Well what's your question?"
Dean sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. "There's this kid I knew, way back when Sammy was a boy, who killed himself. We were only at that school for a couple of weeks, but near to the end he killed himself. Dunno what for and I don't really care, but a few years back we travelled back to that area and bumped into his sister. Man, I ain't never seen someone so hung up about somethin' that happened all those years back. She couldn't even look me in the eye and all she could talk about was him, almost as if he were alive. Now my question to you, doc, is what makes someone like that get hung over by somethin' that happened back when they were a kid. Why didn't she get over his death but their mother did."
"I don't think it's appropriate for me to answer. This session is supposed to be about you," he replied, eager to get his patient to drop the subject.
Unable to accept it, he pressed on. "You're the only one that can answer this for me. It's not like I see any other professional like you."
Doctor Novak sighed. "You're deviating again, Dean."
"I won't deviate again if you answer this question for me. Deal?"
Evidently the doctor wasn't prepared for the deal that the man proposed. He shifted in his chair, looking to form an answer to the question. "Well," he began, drumming his pen on his notebook as he thought. "Everyone deals with situations differently."
"But that don't explain it," he protested. "She let her life get consumed by his death but he's not ever coming back so why don't she just accept it."
"There could be an array of things that are stopping her from accepting her brother's death. Personal problems could also play a part in it, such as if she got fired from a job she might end up blaming that on her brother's death, or she might think that there's no point in doing anything in her life because everyone will leave like her brother."
Dean shook his head, sitting back in his chair and throwing an arm around the back of it. He didn't understand why someone would willingly allow themselves to get consumed over something that had happened over a decade ago. There were plenty of things that had happened to Dean in his childhood that he never really thought about, and then there was his mother's death when he was at a younger age, but he didn't continuously think about any of those events. It was just simpler to pretend that some events had never happened, while others had to be dealt with in order to be spoken about.
He knew that Sam never had much to deal with in his life, seeing as he was really young when their mother died and mostly knew her from all the times that he would talk about her. Being stuck in the back of a car for hours on end with Sam was one of the reasons why Dean managed to fully accept her death. He thought he would have spent longer mourning had their father not made them move out of the house, but that was because he had memories with her there and being surrounded by them would have made it harder to deal with. When he was younger he didn't understand why their father took them from the house, but as he got older he finally understood.
"Think about this then, Dean. Those memories you've suppressed are evidently bad memories that you did not want to remember. Now that you are starting to remember them, they're causing you pain and discomfort. You won't talk to anyone about them and are trying to forget them again. Clearly you have not accepted whatever it is that happened to you and despite your original attempt to bury it, it's not going away," Doctor Novak explained.
"What's that got to do with anything?" Dean asked, unsure about where the doctor was going. Suppressing memories and letting a tragedy consume you were two different things completely so he had no idea how they could be linked.
The doctor cleared his throat. "The memory of her brother's death is a bad one but she's able to live each day with the knowledge that it's happened. She's accepted it to a point and although it may seem that she's let it consume her, there's probably more to it than what you know. You, on the other hand, don't seem to acknowledge that whatever happened to you in your childhood has actually happened with the fact that you've repressed those memories and are adamantly against anything to do with it. When you started to remember certain bits from the memories, you turned to alcohol to help," he said.
"And...?"
"And this woman you are speaking about appears to be coping with it through speaking about her brother and keeping him in her thoughts. From what you've described, it doesn't seem to be entirely healthy for her, but she's facing reality."
However, that comment annoyed Dean, making him lean forward in his seat. "She's facing reality by allowing it to take over her life?" he asked incredulously.
"By acknowledging that it actually happened," the doctor amended. "The difference between her and you is that you don't want to acknowledge that something traumatic happened to you in your childhood which is why you're keen to drown it out with alcohol."
"Who says it was traumatic?" he snapped.
"Have you come to terms with what happened? Accepted it? No, you continue to repress it because you don't want to acknowledge it." His words made Dean pause in his seat. Come to terms with it? It had never been an option to him because in order to fully accept something like that, you had to be able to talk to someone about it or have that period of time when you could deal with it mentally. Unfortunately, he had neither.
His eyes found the clock and he realised that they were a minute over their session's expiration. Mumbling a goodbye, he stood up from his chair and made his way out of the room. He needed to get himself into check by the next session and stop with the stupid questions. The doctor was never going to be able to help him, and that was something Dean knew for sure.