If It Means a Lot to You

Niall frowned at the pan of eggs in front of him, his hands shaking a bit as he stirred them around. He'd found himself lying in the bed he shared with Zayn at six o'clock that morning, wide awake and unable to fall asleep again. He finally gave up and came to the kitchen around eight and started cooking some of Zayn's favorite breakfast things.

Zayn had been so distant lately. To Niall, it didn't make any sense. They hadn't been fighting, not even a little bit. Zayn just always seemed to be gone, leaving before Niall woke up or saying he'd forgotten to do something at work. Even when they were both home, Zayn never seemed to be there. Niall saw the look in his eyes, and saw that his mind was somewhere far away.

Sighing quietly, Niall finished up the eggs and popped a few pieces of bread in the toaster before walking back to the bedroom. He sat down on Zayn's side of the bed and pushed some his dark hair away from his eyes. Slowly, he leaned down and placed a kiss on Zayn's forehead.

"Zayn?" he said softly. "Wake up, babe. I made breakfast for you."

Zayn's eyes fluttered opened and immediately met Niall's. He groaned as he began to stretch, making Niall smile when he took in the sight of his boyfriend's bare chest and stomach. "You said breakfast?" Zayn mumbled.

Niall nodded, taking Zayn's hand and leading the sleepy boy to the kitchen table. He made a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast and set it in front of Zayn. Zayn smiled up at Niall, and started eating without saying anything.

"I'm sorry if it's not the best," Niall said as he began making his own plate. "I just couldn't sleep so I thought I'd make you some of your favorites before you left for work."

"Well, thanks babe," Zayn said, his eyes never leaving his plate.

Niall couldn't help but frown as he sat down across from Zayn. "Is something bothering you? You seem very far away."

"I'm fine," Zayn said, shaking his head. "I'm just a bit tired is all.''

"I'm not just talking about this morning, Zayn. For a few weeks now...it's like you don't even want to be around me. I mean, have I done something wrong?"

Zayn finally looked up and allowed their eyes to meet once again. "Baby, of course not. I don't get why you would ever think that."

"Because, you-"

Niall was interrupted by Zayn's phone ringing from the counter. Feeling beyond frustrated, he leaned over and picked it up, handing it across the table when he saw that it was Zayn's mother. Zayn snatched it away, and Niall just looked down at his lap as his eyes filled with tears.

"Hello?" Zayn answered. "Yeah, I'm doing fine. Are you okay? What's...wait, okay just let me explain myself." He stood up and walked off the the bedroom, where Niall could no longer hear what was being said.

Niall put his hands in his hair, wishing that he could pull all of his blond hair out right then. I might be able to make that look work, he thought. There's all kinds of freaky people that work at the record store. Might as well try to fit in.

Zayn came back a few minutes later, only now he was fully dressed to go to work. "Sorry about that. My mom's just being a mom, all worried about me living somewhere that's so far away and isn't her house."

Niall forced himself to chuckle, but deep down, he knew Zayn was lying. "So, I wanted to finish talking to you about what I was saying before."

"Oh, babe I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have to be at the office and I'm already running a bit late." He leaned down and quickly kissed Niall on the lips. "We'll talk later, yeah?"

Niall faked a smiled and nodded, saying nothing more as Zayn grabbed his jacket and walked out the door of their apartment.



Niall had never had such an exhausting day at work before. He absolutely loved his job, but spending his eight hour shift in the record store after a night of barely any sleep and with all of his thoughts about Zayn didn't really add up to anything positive.

As he walked back to the apartment, he could only come to one conclusion. Zayn was going to end things between them, and probably very soon. It was the only thing that made sense, with his being gone and acting so weird and seeming so secretive. Niall stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared down at the sidewalk, hoping that no one passing on the street could see him crying.

He stopped at the mailboxes before going up to his apartment, his hand trembling as he pulled out the mail and realized that soon, he might not be getting his and Zayn's mail anymore. He looked at each of the envelopes while he was in the elevator. It was mostly just their bills, but toward the end, Niall found one that was addressed to Zayn and looked very out of place. The return address confused him even more, but he forced himself to wait until he was inside and sitting down to open it.

He sat down on the couch and tore it open, pulling out the paper inside. He took one look at it and instantly, his stomach dropped and he burst into tears.



Niall hadn't moved from the couch when Zayn came in over an hour later. He groaned and threw his jacket on the floor, and he looked so tired that Niall almost felt bad for being so angry with him. However, he fought the urge to embrace his boyfriend and sat still on the couch with his arms folded over his chest. Zayn looked over at him and tried to smile, but it faded into a frown as their eyes met. He looked at the opened envelope next to Niall, and his eyes widened as he understood what was happening.

"Niall, I-"

"Tell me you didn't really do this, Zayn."

Zayn took an extremely cautious step forward. "Baby, just listen to me."

"No!" Niall shouted, jumping up from his seat. "Zayn, I need you to tell me that you didn't really do this, that this is some kind of mistake." Zayn just dropped his head, knowing there was nothing more he could say.

"Oh god," Niall breathed, stepping away from Zayn and putting more distance between them. "Oh god. Zayn, you...you joined the army? What were you thinking? How could you do this to me? I mean, you didn't even discuss this with me!"

"Because I knew you'd ask me not to! And I have to do this, Niall."

"You are such a bastard!" Niall stepped forward and pushed his boyfriend as hard as he could. "I can't believe you did this to me! To us!"

"Niall, baby please just calm down." Zaynstepped forward and grabbed Niall, pulling him into his arms and holding him there, no matter how hard he tried to fight and get away. He finally stopped fighting, his body going limp in Zayn's arms as he began to sob. Zayn knew there was nothing he could say at this moment, and all he could do was hold Niall and stroke his hair until he'd finished crying.

Eventually, Niall looked up and met Zayn's eyes. "Just tell me why Zayn. I have to know why you did this."

"It was just a feeling in my heart. It's like I was being drawn to the army, like something was whispering to me every day that this was the right thing for me to do. I was never trying to hurt you, and I hope you know that. This just means a lot to me, and I really think it's the right step."

Niall shook his head. "You're going to be in the middle of a war. You could get hurt, Zayn...you could die."

Zayn took Niall by the shoulders and made sure their gazes were locked. "I wont die, Niall, do you hear me? I swear I won't."

At that point, Niall had to look away. He couldn't fight Zayn over this. This was what Zayn wanted, and he had to accept it, because he loved him. "The letter says you leave for boot camp this weekend. I don't know how I'm supposed to say goodbye to you."

Zayn sighed and took Niall back in his arms as the blond boy once again began to sob. They stood like this for hours, until Zayn moved them to the couch and Niall cried himself to sleep.



The two of them stood in the airport, Zayn dressed in his uniform that he finally revealed to Niall. Niall just stared at the floor with his arms wrapped tightly around himself, trying to keep himself from crying. "I can't do this, Zayn. I can't let you leave and let them throw you into a warzone."

Zayn put his hands on Niall's face and pulled it up so their eyes could meet. "You listen to me, Niall Horan. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to do this, I'm going to come back, and when I do, I'm going to marry you."

Niall's heart began to race and he pulled Zayn's face to his own, kissing him with everything he had. "You'd better do that. I'll kill you myself if you don't."

Zayn chuckled and placed another kiss on Niall's lips. "I love you so much, Niall. I'm sorry that I had to do this."

"No," Niall said, shaking his head. "Don't apologize. I can tell how important this is to you, and even though I may never like the idea, I will always support you."

"Thank you," Zayn whispered with a smiled.

A moment passed between them where they knew Zayn had to leave and get on the plane even without seeing the time. They kissed for what seemed like ages, with Zayn's hands in Niall's hair and tears streaming down Niall's cheeks. When they pulled apart, they didn't speak. Zayn gave Niall's hand a final squeeze and turned to walk away.

Niall watched him until he disappeared, unable to make himself stop crying. He was still a bit angry at Zayn for doing this, but knowing that Zayn truly wanted this made him want it for Zayn. As he turned to leave, he thought of Zayn saying he would be back and smiled to himself, because he knew that Zayn was serious, and in that moment, he'd never trusted Zayn more.