Restless Insomniacs

Last night was a bad night. I had spent it between sleep, tossing and turning. Not even the sugary caffeinated beverage in my hand can stop the pounding of my tired head and the heavy tightness of my eyelids.

Yale is being cryptic with his words and I am too tired to try to figure out the mystery and what he isn’t actually saying. I want so desperately to crawl into a deep and eternal slumber. But I am stuck with Yale at a red light the heat of Yale’s car making me sweat.

The bruises on my arms are starting to heal, and I already miss them. I am not sure I can survive on love; the pretty bruises I wear are full of hate. Hate that I have been living on for so long now I am not sure how to survive without it.

Hate has been a part of me for so long that my heart aches, missing it and the boy who gave it to me. I know I cannot go back to him but a small part of me is desperate to fall back into the unhealthy routine we shared.

At least with Alex I knew how I felt, sitting here next to Yale, with unspoken secrets and words floating between us, I am unsure how I feel. I am confused. I feel everything and nothing for him and it is making me woozy, making my head spin. He is so much more than just a friend; I have come to depend on him in a way that scares me.

I want to pull away from him and save myself from this dangerous boy, but I simply cannot. He is utterly addictive just like my big gulp, and just like my morning big gulp he has become the favourite part of my new morning routine.

Later that day I find myself a part of a vicious attack from Remy I am not sure I deserve. I am stumbling over my two feet; I am not graceful. I am ugly and awkward. I stumble forward trying to catch myself before I fall to my knees. It seems to work but I cannot stop the feeling of free falling as I look into the vicious girl’s eyes.

My dad, if he were still alive, would tell me that not everyone can get alone, and a long time ago I accepted that fact. I accepted that not everyone would like me and I understand that. But this, this is something different.

Remy hates me.

I can see it in her eyes and face, it drips from her pores in radiating waves that hit me like a cold splash of water. I am sputtering and unable to stand in hate from her, but it is okay. If I drown everything, the gut wrenching pain, will stop and that seems such a pleasant thought.

“What the fuck did you say?” Yale spits from beside me, he is pissed. He doesn’t, however, realise that the waves of hate are drowning me, how could he? We are in the cafeteria surrounded by bodies of intently watching students, students watching the fight that seemingly started out of nowhere.

Remy has a vicious tongue and I think Yale is starting to realise this. Word has just gotten back to him, and me, of the rumour that Remy had started. Yale didn’t share it with me but I can guess by the slut coughs that echo as I walk down the corridor what it is.

I stand tiny and insignificant next to Yale, as he looms over Remy, a girl he has known in the most intimate of ways. He shows no sign of compassion though, and I am not entirely sure I am worth all this fuss.

“There’s no need to deny it Yale, we all know you fucked her” I flinch at Remy’s words. They are so crass.

Fucked her.

Like it is nothing more than a meeting of skin and moans, as if sex is means nothing to Remy. As if it is as ordinary as waving to someone you know. “Shut the fuck up!” Yale growls, he is hunched over shielding me from Remy’s glares and hateful words. I think I might deserve them though; I deserve everything that has happened to me thus far.

“Hey back off!” Stomper, Remy’s twin brother, says stepping out from the crowd to protect his only sibling.

Yale’s dominance is clear in his group as Stomper grits his teeth backing off slightly but standing behind his sister in silent reassurance. I think I might hate Remy, really hate her. I have never hated anyone this much in my life and I can’t breathe.

“What, so you’re picking her over us?” Remy asks hurt settling into her pretty features. My heart beats numbly in my chest as another wave of hate washes over me, I am drowning, I choke beneath the waves.

“No Remy just over you.” He says with finality. For the second time on our short friendship Yale offers me a hand, pulling me from the waves. Saving me at the last moment from drowning.

I am too weak to try and stand and fight the waves, but I think Yale may fight them for me and that is a magical thought.