Sequel: Elysian ›
Status: In Progress
Restless Insomniacs
Daria
I close my eyes for the briefest of seconds trying to capture the beauty that is the moon high up in the sky looking down at me. But no matter how I try I can’t do it justice and that makes me achingly sad in a way I can’t explain.
But then again I have been sad all day, and the moon and its beauty are only adding to my sore heart. I had made the mistake of visiting my father this afternoon in his little grave. It had been two weeks since I saw my father last and it suddenly felt an eternity sitting in my lounge room waiting for my mother to come home from another night spent in some other mans bed.
My dad is buried in the one grave yard my town has next to an old woman and an empty burial plot for my mother so that even in eternity they can be side by side. I had found my father’s grave with such ease I didn’t have to think which for once was a blessing. Yale had left hours earlier with a promise to return but that didn’t matter I needed to see him. So I had taken my car and driven to the only place my heart hurts a little less and walked the familiar path to the grave.
And my heart had beat dully in my chest in a way that made me sorely aware of my thoughts, the ones that told me I wanted to be in the grave next to my father. When I reached the grave I had fallen to my knees in a soft thud and reached for the grass that covered his coffin waiting for a moment free from sadness. It never came and I was left uneasy, like I was waiting for something I was no longer sure existed.
I don’t often speak to my father’s grave but today with the wind in my hair and the sun on my back I had decided that maybe giving a voice to my sadness would help, it didn’t. “I miss you” I had whispered quietly so the woman a few graves down couldn’t hear me. “God I miss you so much and I… I don’t know how to live without you” I think I started crying then it’s all a big blur. I just know that I was so overcome with sadness it had to seep from my eyes in the form of tears until my body shook and that woman was staring at me in alarm. Like I might die from my sadness and for a second I think that might have been possible. Like the culmination of my sadness was enough to still the beating of my heart and bring an end to my tortured existence.
But I kept breathing and eventually the tears stopped and I was left grabbing at grass as if it were my father’s hand, and that made me sadder if it was possible. I don’t know how long I lay there holding grass in my hands with a death grip, but it was long enough for Yale to begin to worry and call me with desperation in his voice.
“Where the fuck are you” I wanted to tell him to be gentle with me, that if he was too harsh I might break right there in the cemetery but words were harder than I realised and he was speaking over me, squashing and breaking me. “I’m at your house and your car is gone, would you mind filling me in here Daria” He sounded mad like my disappearance affected him in some deep primal way and that beneath my sadness struck me as funny, that a boy who cared for so little could care for me.
“I’m at the cemetery” Had been all I had said and it had been enough because fifteen minutes later he was there looking for me with eyes that matched the desperation in his voice, and I had felt again a twinge under the sadness. It wasn’t quite happiness but it was something and that was enough to get me off the ground and over to Yale. A selfish part of me had wanted to hide my father from Yale, I didn’t want him to see the name on the headstone and I didn’t want him to see the final resting place of one of his idols.
But it was too late the grave I was laying out had been seen and Yale knew, I wanted to reach out and pull him away from my father but he had seen the name and everything was broken.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Was all he asked and I had paused for a moment unsure myself, why did I wanted my father to be kept secret? The answer was obvious.
“You never asked”
“Oh” And I heard all the hurt form in that one word and tumble from his lips, it hit me like a slap in the face and was enough to leave me reaching for Yale, reaching for something to hold.
“Does it ever get easier?” I had asked with un-cried tears in my eyes,
“What?”
“Losing everything?” Yale was quite for a really long time and in that silence I got my answer loud and clear.
“You’ll never lose me” But it was uttered halfheartedly like an afterthought meant to protect me, but it didn’t and I was left feeling raw like an open wound.
I glance at Yale now trying to ignore the sting of tears in my eyes, he looks so handsome under the moonlight and a part of me wants nothing more than to kiss him with every piece of passion I have within me, I don’t and I am left feeling restless.
“What?” He asks with a small grin and for a terrifying second I think he can read my thoughts,
“Nothing” Because it is nothing, Yale and I? We are nothing.
But then again I have been sad all day, and the moon and its beauty are only adding to my sore heart. I had made the mistake of visiting my father this afternoon in his little grave. It had been two weeks since I saw my father last and it suddenly felt an eternity sitting in my lounge room waiting for my mother to come home from another night spent in some other mans bed.
My dad is buried in the one grave yard my town has next to an old woman and an empty burial plot for my mother so that even in eternity they can be side by side. I had found my father’s grave with such ease I didn’t have to think which for once was a blessing. Yale had left hours earlier with a promise to return but that didn’t matter I needed to see him. So I had taken my car and driven to the only place my heart hurts a little less and walked the familiar path to the grave.
And my heart had beat dully in my chest in a way that made me sorely aware of my thoughts, the ones that told me I wanted to be in the grave next to my father. When I reached the grave I had fallen to my knees in a soft thud and reached for the grass that covered his coffin waiting for a moment free from sadness. It never came and I was left uneasy, like I was waiting for something I was no longer sure existed.
I don’t often speak to my father’s grave but today with the wind in my hair and the sun on my back I had decided that maybe giving a voice to my sadness would help, it didn’t. “I miss you” I had whispered quietly so the woman a few graves down couldn’t hear me. “God I miss you so much and I… I don’t know how to live without you” I think I started crying then it’s all a big blur. I just know that I was so overcome with sadness it had to seep from my eyes in the form of tears until my body shook and that woman was staring at me in alarm. Like I might die from my sadness and for a second I think that might have been possible. Like the culmination of my sadness was enough to still the beating of my heart and bring an end to my tortured existence.
But I kept breathing and eventually the tears stopped and I was left grabbing at grass as if it were my father’s hand, and that made me sadder if it was possible. I don’t know how long I lay there holding grass in my hands with a death grip, but it was long enough for Yale to begin to worry and call me with desperation in his voice.
“Where the fuck are you” I wanted to tell him to be gentle with me, that if he was too harsh I might break right there in the cemetery but words were harder than I realised and he was speaking over me, squashing and breaking me. “I’m at your house and your car is gone, would you mind filling me in here Daria” He sounded mad like my disappearance affected him in some deep primal way and that beneath my sadness struck me as funny, that a boy who cared for so little could care for me.
“I’m at the cemetery” Had been all I had said and it had been enough because fifteen minutes later he was there looking for me with eyes that matched the desperation in his voice, and I had felt again a twinge under the sadness. It wasn’t quite happiness but it was something and that was enough to get me off the ground and over to Yale. A selfish part of me had wanted to hide my father from Yale, I didn’t want him to see the name on the headstone and I didn’t want him to see the final resting place of one of his idols.
But it was too late the grave I was laying out had been seen and Yale knew, I wanted to reach out and pull him away from my father but he had seen the name and everything was broken.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Was all he asked and I had paused for a moment unsure myself, why did I wanted my father to be kept secret? The answer was obvious.
“You never asked”
“Oh” And I heard all the hurt form in that one word and tumble from his lips, it hit me like a slap in the face and was enough to leave me reaching for Yale, reaching for something to hold.
“Does it ever get easier?” I had asked with un-cried tears in my eyes,
“What?”
“Losing everything?” Yale was quite for a really long time and in that silence I got my answer loud and clear.
“You’ll never lose me” But it was uttered halfheartedly like an afterthought meant to protect me, but it didn’t and I was left feeling raw like an open wound.
I glance at Yale now trying to ignore the sting of tears in my eyes, he looks so handsome under the moonlight and a part of me wants nothing more than to kiss him with every piece of passion I have within me, I don’t and I am left feeling restless.
“What?” He asks with a small grin and for a terrifying second I think he can read my thoughts,
“Nothing” Because it is nothing, Yale and I? We are nothing.