Our Pain Will Shine a Light

Chapter 13
Andy's POV

On the way home, I told Ashley everything that happened. Basically, I went into Rick's office and he wasn't in there, and I started throwing shit. He finally came in the room and tried to fight me, but someone had already called the police. I tried to report what he had done to me, Matt and others, but they didn't really listen. I was arrested, but Rick's brother came and dropped the vandalism charges on the spot.

For the rest of the day, Ashley and I helped get Matt back on his feet. He's been living on his addiction since I left. I'm surprised he's not dead yet. I told him that I wasn't mad about him taking the drugs. I would have too under all of that stress.

Ashley offered to cook his favorite meal, and we sat in the living room and watched movies. Ashley, being the generous person he is, let Matt stay here with us only if he gives Ash the drugs he has on him and promises not to go out and get more.

Now it was nighttime, and I sat outside taking a smoke. Ashley doesn't like that I smoke, but he says it's better than the drugs.

"Come in Autumn. It's time for bed."

"I'll be in, in a second," I told him, not looking back.

"Okay. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Stomach hurts, but I'm assuming that's just the withdrawal."

"I'll make another vitamin drink if you think that'll help."

"No, I'm fine. Really."

"Alright."

The door shutting was a signal that he had went back inside.

Something's wrong. I should be happy, shouldn't I? Matt's safe, that guy's behind bars, and I have the best boyfriend in the world. I don't know.

"I feel like something's wrong, but you're just not saying anything," Ashley said walking up behind me and putting his hands on my hips.

"I thought you went back in."

"No, but you didn't reply to my statement."

"There is, but I don't know what."

"Homesick maybe?"

"Homesick? I hated everyone back in Ohio except for my parents."

"Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!"

"They wouldn't want to see me this way."

"What way? Drug free for over a week and trying?"

"I don't know."

"How about we get in bed and have a talk. I'll tell you everything about my past then I'm going to need something from you."

"Something from me? You mean–"

"No! No not at all. I mean a bargain or something. Can you agree to that?"

"Yeah sure."

"I'll let you finish up out here. I–never mind."

"You what?" I asked finally turning around to look down at him.

He sighed and shook his head meeting my eyes, "You don't know what you do to me Andrew."

"Same here Ashley. Same here."

He stood on his toes to kiss my head and went back inside.

_____________________________________

When I finished my smoke, I went back into the house to see Matt sleeping peacefully on the couch. Walking farther to the back, I could see Ashley lighting a candle and sitting back on the bed. I walked into the room with my eyebrows arched.

"A candle? Are you sure you're not trying to get me in bed?"

He laughed and shook his head.

"No. My mom had a thing for different color candles."

"Why?"

"Just this weird superstitious thing."

"Tell me about it."

"You want a back story?"

"Sure."

"Okay then."

~Ashley~
"Ashley, baby, have you seen my red candle?"

"The red one? The blue on is right there."

"I know, but I need my red one."

"Oh, I had it the other day. Here," My dad said coming around the corner with the candle."

"Oh thank you, honey."

"They work, you know the colors." He said looking at me.

"Well my favorite color is blue. Does that mean anything?" Nine year old me asked.

"Blue is for self expression and communication, inspiration, creativity, relaxation, trust, and devotion," He replied.

"Yes, but if I'd give you one as a gift, I'd give you Turquoise for healing, independence, and protection," Mom said.

"Why those darling?"

"I don't know. I just feel that color tied to him. Here."

I watched my mom walked across the room and take one of the candles from the fire place.

"Take this. Only burn it when you need it, and remember who gave it to you."

"Thanks. I will mom."

"And remember who paid for it too!" My dad joked.

My mom gave a laconic reply, and I laughed that the both of them. I ended up taking the candle to my room and putting it away in my closet in case I ever needed it.

"So now here I am. Mom gave it to me a long time ago."

"You never talk about him."

"Who?"

"Your dad. You mention your mom a lot, but never you dad."

"He left shortly after that. I never knew why he left or where he went, but I don't think I cared too much. I know I don't know, but that's not the point."

"You never missed him? You guys seemed so happy. What happened?"

"Come sit beside me," He commanded without giving a reply to my comment, but did as I was told and he caught my hand in his. "Andrew, I've never really spoken of my family in great detail. Roberta doesn't even know my mom's name. I don't know why I don't talk about them. Maybe I'm still hurt. I don't know, but if you're willing to speak to your parents then I'll talk about them."

"Ashley, I'm not asking for you to do this though."

"Okay fine, just hear the story okay? My mom's name was Danielle, she was 39 when she died. I was 18. She died of an overdose. I remember like it was yesterday, I was at the school, helping out around the building when I got a call from our neighbor. She knew about mom and took to watching her when I wasn't around. She said she knocked but didn't get an answer so I rushed home."

~Ashley~
"Mom!"

The house was dead silent except for the clock, the hum of the refrigerator, and my rapid heart beat. My gut knew that this was all bad. I pulled my phone from my pocket and kept it in my hand as I walked towards the bathroom.

There she was. She was still, her eyes were closed, and she looked limp. In my heart I knew without having to check. There was no need in screaming or anything. Somewhere along the line, I knew it would happen. I just didn't know when. Though I had prepared myself for it many times, I still couldn't fight the urge to fall to my knees beside her and beg for her to wake up.

"Mom please," but my words were not heart.

I picked up the phone, dialed three numbers, and spoke four words.

"There's been a death."

"That was the worst day of my life. I had no one that day. No friends because I was always with mom. No relatives because dad walked out on us and everyone stopped dealing with mom after the drugs. I was alone. Roberta became my only good friend then you came along. Now I want you to fix things before you end up like her."

"Ashley, I'm sorry, but I'm not her."

"But you'll end up like her if I don't do anything! Stand up and turn on the light," I did as he told me again, and I looked back at him to see that he was on his feet and moving towards me. He pulled me to his mirror and stood behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder. "Look at yourself. What do you see?"

An addict. A meth head. Hopelessness.

"The same person I always see. A tall, lanky, 19 year old."

"Not your body Autumn. Think deeper than that."

"I–I see a failure," I said tearing up. I didn't like this. I wasn't proud.

"Well you know what I see? I see Andrew Dennis Biersack. I see a beautiful boy with so much potential. I see someone who's recovering and standing behind him, I see a man who sees himself with this boy for a long time. I see someone worth protecting. You're beautiful Autumn. Admirable, Unique, Trusting, Uplifting, Miracle, Never giving up. Don't you forget that, okay?"

I couldn't take anymore. I turned around, taking my eyes off of the mirror and cried into Ashely.

"It's alright. Let it out."

And that's what I did. After I was finished crying, I told Ashley everything about my past from my 5th birthday to my departure from Ohio.

He told me that he might try to get in touch with my parents too, but I was too tired to protest.