Our Pain Will Shine a Light

Chapter 3
Ashley

I sat starting at the clock anxiously. I don't know why I was so...tense around this kid. He's done nothing to me. If anything I was the one who's treated him badly. I didn't mean to snap, but the kid acts like he knows me. He doesn't. He doesn't understand. I was really surprised that he kept a leveled head though. If it was my mom she would have snapped.

I don't get it though. I've known him for two hours, and he's already on to my mom. I don't like talking about her. It's just that she was so wise, but she left this earth way too early. My mom was something. Before she got into all of that mess she was beautiful. Scratch that. Even when she was in that mess she was beautiful inside and out. Only I saw it though.

I took care of my mother. She watched over me as a little boy, then dad left, and she became hooked on drugs. Meth to be exact. I remember seeing the changes. She would yell at me for the smallest of things, but she'd always apologize afterwards. I was so upset. I'd blame dad. I remember sitting on my bed at the age of 17 crying and scribbling angry words into my notebook.

I hate you dad. I fucking hate you so much. You didn't have to go. You could have stayed. You could have told us where you went. But no. Now moms slowly killing herself and I'm slowly dying with her.

The funny thing is that mom never blamed dad. She only blamed herself. You'd think that she'd be angry with him, but like I said she was a wise woman.

"Ash you can never blame someone else for your own actions. It's up to you to decide what's right and what's wrong. Do you understand me?"

"Yes ma'am."

She died of over dose when I was 18 years old. I miss her. I miss her so much. She left me way to early. I remembered something else she said.

"Ashley, don't waste your time on tragedy. It's easy to forget."

I had no clue what she meant by that. What was she talking about? Tragedy is an event that causes destruction. People suffer from things like PTSD and extreme depression because of tragedies, so how would she expect for me to just forget something like that. She wrote that in her journal once too. I found it after she had passed. Her dosing wasn't accidental... She mentioned that se was tired of hurting me and herself. I suffered with that for a while. For a long time I thought I was the cause of my mother's death. That's when I went on my journey of enlightenment.

I met Roberta at a community church. She noticed me and kinda took me in like a brother. She's the biggest Christian I know and even though I don't agree with her doesn't mean that I don't respect her. Religion's just not for me.

My eyes shifted to the clock again. I had gone into a long train of thought. There were now 30 minutes remaining before Jinxx's lunch break. We might as well leave now.

I stood up and went to the back to get my keys and jacket. I could hear low moans from the living room. When I stepped in to see what was going on and noticed Andy shaking in a cold sweat. I sighed. It was the cravings. I rushed to the bathroom and got a cold rag and grabbed a blanket from my room.

He was awake now and his eyes begged me for help.

"Hey it's okay. Breathe Andy. You're better than this. You don't need it. You don't need it."

"I-I d–do need it A–Ashley. I'm in pain. It hurts!"

I wrapped the blanket tightly around him. And started to press the cold rag to his temples.

"You don't need it."

"I d–do!"

"You don't." I replied calmly.

I'm basically trained in this. My mother had this happen a lot, but she always got her fix when I was at school.

"A–Ashley l–let me go."

"No. You don't need it right now. I know you probably have it on you, but I'm not letting you."

"Where'd you put my j–jacket?"

"You don't need it and your cravings are dying down. Can't you tell?"

"But I still want it!" He yelled at me. I didn't even flinch. I was used to it.

"What do you like to do in your free time?"

"What f–free time?"

"You don't just stay in your bad habits."

"I–I write."

"Music?"

"Y–yes."

"Sing me one of your songs."

Andy began to stutter out words from an unknown song to me. Eventually his words become more clear and his shaking had stopped. I unwrapped him from the blanket and helped him stand. I dragged him into the kitchen and handed him the rag so he could cool himself down and rid his face of the sweat.

I pulled out some things from my refrigerator and freezer and threw them into the blender. I added a splash of v8 and poured it into a cup.

"Here drink this." I said handing him a formula that I just mixed.

"What is this?" He asked while smelling it.

"Vitamin drink. It's healthy and it helps."

He took a couple of sips and sat it down.

"Dude that's gross."

"It's supposed to be. I'd go find the toilet right about now too."

"What do you–"

Andy made a grunting noise of discomfort and ran out of the kitchen. I walked own the hallway hearing exactly what I expected.

"Dude what the fuck?" Andy whined by the toilet.

"That was probably the fist time that you've resisted the drug, and adding that stuff strengthens your stomach and helps with the extra chemicals. Now go drink it again. It should stay down this time."

He got up for his spot before cleaning his mouth in the sink. I started to walk away, but I noticed that he didn't move from his spot at the sink. My eyes made their way to the mirror where I noticed his looking.

"That is it?" I asked.

"Er...t–thank you. I've never had someone look after me like that. Not even my mom."

"You're welcome Andy. C'mon. We're late."

He nodded and mumbled something to himself before following me out of the bathroom.

"Here's your jacket." I told him before we left the house.

"Thank you."

I nodded and went into the kitchen to grab a sandwich for Jinxx. I forgot that was part of the deal.

"Okay I'm ready now." I announced.

I looked up at Andy and was stunned by what I saw.

"Here." He said.

He had all three of the needles I had given him the other day in his hand.

"It's the least I can do for having you go thorough so much trouble. I'll try. I can't make any promises, but again it's the least I could do."

I took the needles from him and slipped them into my pocket. I got another flash back of my mother. This time of herself before the drugs.

My mom sat across from me on the sofa. She looked over at me a gave me a graceful smile. Without thinking I smiled back even though something was bothering me. She got up from her spot and engulfed me in a hug.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Sometimes a hug makes everything better, or at least it eases some of the pain. I'm your mother. I know that something's wrong.

I smiled at the memory and I smiled at Andy. I did to him as mom did to me those years ago. He asked the same question as 15 year old me did.

"What was that for?"

And I replied with the same thing that mom did.

"Sometimes a hug makes everything better or at least it eases some of the pain. Keep being strong Andy."

He looked up at me with those ocean blue eyes and nodded.

"I'll try."