Our Pain Will Shine a Light

Chapter 6
Ashley's POV

Andy sat across from me on the couch with a newly lit cigarette settled in his mouth. I sighed and shook my head.

"You smoke on top of that other stuff?"

"Obviously." He said, rolling his eyes.

Looking at him for a second trying to think if a comeback, I just gave up. You'd think I'd be used to his childish remarks by now.

"So talk to me."

"Talk to you about what?" He asked.

"Maybe why you did it?"

"Did what Ashley?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Why do you think I did it?" He replied nonchalantly.

"I don't know."

"I got a craving so I took the drug. There."

"And you didn't even second think it?"

"Not really."

I laughed and shook my head.

"I think you did. Mom said there was always something holding her back."

"Let me guess. That something was you."

"Yeah it was. Now tell me Dennis what holds you back for so long?"

"My dad," He said with a sigh.

"Ah, see? You didn't even hesitate."

"I guess not."

"Tell me about him." I said.

"Well, My dad was–he was great and mom was too, but he was always so supportive of me. He was my biggest inspiration. I got bullied a lot in school, and he always stood by me. When I came out as bisexual he was still loving and supportive. It wasn't until I got into drugs when he decided to give up on me."

The room got quiet, and I made my way to the coffee table to sit in front of him.

"Did you ever think maybe you gave up on yourself first?" I asked, making eye contact with him.

"I don't understand."

"You have to believe in yourself before anyone else does Andy."

"Yeah, well I gave up on myself years ago."

"Well, I haven't. C'mon Andy, talk to me. The first step is identifying the problem. What is your problem and what got you there."

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

He hesitated for a moment but eventually he gave in.

"Well open your ears."

Andy's POV

"Well. I guess we should start in middle school. I believe it was 7th grade when things started getting bad. I had always been the weird kid, but people's didn't seem to care until middle school. I got picked on because it was 'cool' to make the weird kids feel bad about themselves. See, my parents sent me to a catholic school. The women were mean and abusive and the kids were even worse. It was different to see a kid like me back there. Eh...in 8th grade the physical bullying started. I got beat up at least three times a month and probably more than that. Doesn't seem like a lot but it was. One day I came home and my house was vandalized. Instead of my parents getting angry at me they just called the police and stuck by me. They were great. Then high school came and things only got worse. That's when I got into the wrong group of kids. Matt was in the group but he got out. He was the only one that treated me like a human. Don't know why I still hung out with the rest of them. I was devastated when he moved, and he was my only friend from school. Anyway. Dad found my drugs and lashed out. It was even worse to see mom crying. It was two days after my birthday which meant three days after Christmas. A time that was supposed to be good was ruined by me. That's when I packed my things and moved to California. Spent a year here falling into more bad habits and now I'm here with you."

For some reason my breathing had become more clear. Ashley stared at me for a moment then a small smile played on his lips.

"It's because you finally got that off of your chest."

I looked at him side ways and he laughed.

"Mom again. You both are so much a like."

"How so?"

"Well, I used to make her talk to me about whatever was on her mind. After we'd get done talking she'd always say she could breathe better. I know that's what you were thinking."

"I guess I was."

"Thanks for trusting me."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You've only known me for a couple of days."

"But you've been nothing but helpful and you haven't tried to get me in bed like the rest of these guys."

"But I don't see you like they might. I see a boy who's struggling and needs help, but that boy has so much potential, and he's beautiful."

My heart stopped. He thinks I'm beautiful?

"Did you just–"

"Oh fuck." He mumbled closing his eyes and putting his hands over his face. "I didn't mean to–"

"I–I know you didn't." I said, trying to keep the hurt from my voice.

"Andy, I–"

"Ashley, I'd like for you to just call me Dennis again, and it's fine really. Look, I should go okay?"

"Wait Andy–Dennis. Stay. I want you to. I invited you."

"Ashley I can't really."

"Please. Andy, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" I asked rolling my eyes.

"For–"

"Calling me beautiful? I know Ashley. You don't have to try to make me feel better by lying about how I look. Everybody knows that I'm just a piece of–"

"I was talking about taking it back. Andy, you are really really beautiful inside and out. Like I said before, you're just struggling."

I swallowed not knowing what to say. Ashley was the first person who'd called me beautiful. Sure I always get the you're hot or cute but never beautiful.

"You really think that?"

"If course I do." He said, his voice going really soft. "Will you stay now?"

"Yes...but under one condition."

"What is it?" He asked panicked.

"You have to kiss me."

"Kiss you?" His eyes were going wide.

"Yes."

"Andy, I've never kissed a guy before."

"Me either."

"But you said you were bisexual."

"Yes, but I said I'd never been with a guy before."

"I thought you meant–" he stopped mid sentence and closed his mouth.

He moved closer to me and leaned foward. It was quick, a simple peck, but it was something. He looked into my eyes for an answer or a reaction, and I smiled.

"Now I'll stay."

He smiled at me, and I nearly melted.

For the remainder of the night, Ashley and I sat around watching tv. We didn't really sit close to each other or touch. It was like the kiss never happened. The whole thing didn't bother me. Maybe Ashley just needed some time. We were watching some standup show on Comedy Central and we both started to laugh, when I clutched my stomach. I let out a groan of pain and fell over on Ashley's shoulder.

I'm glad he knew what was happening and took action instead of asking me a bunch of questions. He disappeared from my view and came back with a blanket and a cold rag. He sat on the couch and pulled me close to him wrapping me in the blanket and pressing the rag to my temples.

"Shh. You're alright Andy. You're alright."

"It–it hurts."

"I know it does. I know." He cooed.

Tears pricked from my eyes. This was the worst pain I'd felt so far. Ashley was rocking me and shushing me, and that was enough. Though I was hurting really bad I felt myself relax and eventually I fell into a calm sleep, still being cuddled by Ashley.