Swallow Pride

“Alright Harry we’ve gotten back all of the tests results that you had the other day.” Harry looked expectintatly at the officer, excited to finally hear he’s made it. “I regret to inform that that you can’t enlist in the British army.”

Harry’s eyes grew wide, his heart stopping and his head spinning, “Excuse me? Why not? I’m perfectly healthy; please there must be a misunderstanding.”

“I’m sorry son but there isn’t. You’ve got asthma and we can’t allow anyone in the armed forces with asthma.”

“Asthma?” Harry questioned. “I don’t…no that can’t be. I don’t have any effects.”

“Please no, I’ve wanted this for years. I can’t…” Harry trailed off. “I’ve got nothing else planned.”

“I’m sorry Styles, I really am. You seem like a bright young man and you are very dedicated to this already. I wish I could enlist you son, I really do. But rules are rules. I thank you very much for coming and talking to us about this. We appreciate your loyalty to our country.”

Harry shook the officers hand and left the building unsure of what to do know. He planned his whole life around going into the armed forces and now, now he doesn’t know what to do. Harry automatically goes to his car and makes the long drive back to Holmes Chapel, his mind strangely quiet. After arriving at his mother’s home he walks right in to see her waiting anxiously by the phone, obviously expecting a phone call.

“Harry, dear, what are you doing here? Is everything alright?” Anne rushed over to her son and put her arms on his forearms searching his eyes for any sign of what is going on.

“I didn’t…I can’t enlist. I can’t. Mom...I’ve got asthma and they won’t let me in.” Harry told her, now that the words are coming out of his mouth it makes it all the more real.

“Oh Harry, I’m so sorry.” Anne apologizes, “I know how much this means to you.”

Not being able to hold in his emotions and knowing he is safe in his mother’s arms he breaks down in loud heartbreaking sobs. Anne struggled to hold on to her son due to how tall and lanky he is so she managed to guide him up to her room and tuck him into bed, crawling in beside him and holding him like she used to. Eventually Harry cried himself to sleep so Anne left him be and called Harry’s father and sister knowing he needed his family’s support. Harry stayed the week in Holmes Chapel accepting every hug and cuddle from his mom and sister and every fishing invitation from his father.

He promised his family he would be fine in the big city alone and would call if he needed anything. So he returned with his head held high until his family couldn’t see him anymore then he returned to the mood he was in when he first found out the news. When he got settled in his small flat again he called his work to tell them there was a family emergency but they told him he was fired but he didn’t try to fight it; he just didn’t have the energy. He didn’t have the energy to do anything at all except drink and pick up cigarettes and sometimes some spliff if he could find some. It’s just everything crashed down around him and he didn’t have a plan b. The army was his plan a, b, and c and now he doesn’t know what to do. In Harry’s eyes his life is essentially over and there’s no point in trying.

So Harry either spends his day sleeping or getting drunk. His flat building is right across from a bar so he often spends his evenings getting trashed there and stumbling across the street almost getting hit every single time. The bar tenders all know him by name now, his favorite is Niall a blonde Irishman who laughs at all of his jokes even when they aren’t funny. Niall is easy going and gets Harry to talk which Harry appreciates since he spends most of his time in his own head. Some nights Niall’s friends come to visit him so Harry will sit at the other end of the bar, not ready to talk to more people. Those are the nights Harry gets trashed the worst and Niall will have to help Harry to his flat and he apologizes the whole way because he knows he’s being a dick and he knows his apartment is a fucking mess and it probably smells and Niall doesn’t deserve this. Niall just shrugs and says it’s okay before tossing Harry on his bed making sure there’s a bin for him to get sick in then leaves.

Harry knows he needs to stop drinking so much and he really shouldn’t smoke, it’s awful and he doesn’t even bother going outside so his whole flat smells horrible. But when he isn’t drinking he has to face his emotions and he can’t, he can’t deal with the disappointment and the depression so he just ignores it and takes a shot every time he wants to cry. It’s very unhealthy and he doesn’t know where he’ll end up but he doesn’t care. That’s the thing Harry just doesn’t care anymore about anything. He could literally care less if he wakes up in the morning.

He does wake up every morning though so he deals with this the only way that seems to be semi working which is drinking his life away. He doesn’t see a reason to change, not at all. Not even when Niall tries to talk to him one night or when Gemma surprises him and finds his flat in the state it’s in. Not when his mom and dad try to reason with him. It isn’t until Harry finally meets one of Niall’s friends that he starts to change and it’s not over night either, it takes a long time.

Harry remembers seeing him for the first time. Harry walks into the bar and goes to his usual seat but someone is already sitting in it, a small yet loud almost obnoxious boy is sitting there. He’s got feathery brown hair and bright blue eyes and a smile that lights up Harry’s life. He’s going to walk by him and sit at another seat but Niall calls Harry over and says he wants him to meet someone. At this point Harry is ready to run away and just get drunk in his kitchen but he can’t say no to Niall, not after Niall always takes care of him. Niall introduces Harry to Louis and all but forces Harry to sit beside Louis and share the evening with him. It’s not so much forcing though because Louis is so pretty and he’s so pretty and it’s surprisingly easy to talk to him. Louis is the first person Harry has talked to, besides Niall, and it feels good, it feels right.

Harry goes to the bar every night in hopes to see Louis again and it works three nights out of seven and these are the nights Harry looks forward to. He doesn’t get as drunk and Louis allows him to forget about all of his pain more than the alcohol ever did. Slowly Harry stops smoking cigarettes because he overheard Louis telling Niall cigarette smokers are the absolute worst. He doesn’t see Louis for quite a while so Harry stays home and binge drinks for two weeks straight. At the end of the second week there is knock on Harry’s door and he’s hoping its Niall or better yet, Louis but instead its Harry’s landlord telling him that if he doesn’t start paying his rent he’ll be kicked out. He’s got a week to get this month’s rent or he’ll be evicted and shit, shit, shit Harry knew this would happen but he still wasn’t expecting it.

He goes into panic mode which usually means drinking mode since he doesn’t know what else to do. That night he goes to the bar and gets completely trashed and ends up telling Niall about what happened. The next day Harry woke up loud knocking and he was sure he slept through the month and he was being evicted. He managed to get himself out of bed although he reeked and he looked like hell, he opened the door to find Louis looking attractive as ever.

“Louis? What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to help.”

“Excuse me?” Harry questioned.

“I’m here to help. Wow Harry, you really let yourself go.”

“What the fuck? I don’t need help, you can’t just come in here and say shit like that.”

Louis sighed and walked over to Harry moving his sweaty and greasy hair from his face before cupping it, “I’m not here to be mean or to criticize you. I’m only here to help, okay? Niall told me you were in trouble and all I want to do is to help you. Please? Please Harry just let me help you.”

Harry still doesn’t know why he agreed, maybe it was because it’s hard to turn down Louis or maybe because Harry was finally ready to move on. Either way Harry agreed and he allowed Louis to help him clean up. Louis ran him a bath and told him to relax for the morning. While Harry was in the bath Louis went around Harry’s flat and picked up all the trash, then he organized the mail and bills. By the time Harry was getting out of the bath Louis was getting his clothes into piles.

“Do you have any clean clothes, Harry?” Louis asked earnestly. Harry looked ashamed as he looked down at his bare feet and shook his head no. “That’s alright love, just put on whatever you have alright?”

Harry nodded and did as Louis instructed then helped him gather all of his clothes and put them in his hamper and bags. Harry and Louis carried the hamper and bags to Louis’ car before Louis instructed him to get in as well. Harry didn’t feel like he had any say in this whatsoever so he simply got in and let Louis drive him around. Louis ended up bringing Louis to his own place so he could get out of the wreck of his own apartment. Harry stood in the living room of Louis’ neat, organized and clean flat and he was started to feel worse than he ever has. He doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment, he doesn’t deserve anyone’s help and he definitely doesn’t deserve to be so gross and in someone’s beautiful flat. None of this was right and Harry really thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Louis walked back into the room after starting the first load of clothes and stared at Harry who just stood there.

“Why don’t you sit down love?” Louis asked.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Louis asked.

“I’ll get it all dirty.” Harry replied with a shrug.

“Haz, don’t be ridiculous.”

That was only the third or fourth time Louis has called him that and it still made his heart jump, he doesn’t derve a cute boy calling him by a nick name.

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are dear, just please sit down. You’re making me nervous.”

“Why are you doing this?” Harry asked, tears brimming his eyes.

“Because I want to help you.” Louis told him walking closer.

“Why?”

“Because I still see the good in you, I know there’s hope. I like you Harry, you’re fit and you’re funny and you’re smart. I know there’s much more to you than that, it’s just masked by all this drinking you’re doing.”

At Louis’ words Harry couldn’t help but start crying covering his face with his hands to try to shield himself from Louis’ look of pity.

“Oh Hazza, it’s okay baby.” Louis said going to wrap his arms around the taller boy. “Sh, baby, it’s okay.”

Similar to the first breakdown Harry had months ago with is mom, Louis led Harry to his bed and cuddled around him. Rubbing Harry’s stomach with one hand and running his hand through his curls with another, Louis coaxed the boy to sleep.

“What happened to you to make you so broken?” Louis whispered kissing the top of Harry’s head.

Louis left Harry alone and switched the laundry before leaving the flat and returning to Harry’s flat to clean it up. Louis stopped by the store on his way over and bought him some groceries and new cleaning supplies. For three hours Louis cleaned the flat until it was spotless and it looked brand new. Before leaving the complex completely Louis stopped by the front office and talked with the landlord and talked about Harry’s situation. They came to an agreement and Louis paid the landlord six hundred dollars, three hundred for the months Harry hasn’t paid and three hundred for the upcoming months. Once that was taken care of Louis returned back to his home to find Harry in fresh clothes and folding some in living room.

“Hey there baby boy, how’d you sleep?” Louis asked walking over to Harry and kissing the top of his head.

“It was okay, where did you go?” Harry asked.

“I just took care of some things. Are you hungry, love?”

“Uhm,…” Harry trailed off.

“It’s okay if you are, I can make us dinner.”

“Okay if you’re sure. You don’t have to though.”

“Don’t be silly.”

While Louis cooked Harry finished folding and switching his laundry. While they ate they watched whatever marathon was on TV and Harry made Louis let him clean the dishes claiming it was the least he could do after everything. Once everything was clean and put away Louis sat Harry down in the living room to talk to him.

“While you were sleeping I went back to your flat and cleaned the whole thing. I got most of the smell out and everything is picked up and put back where I thought it would go, most of it was obvious but there might be a few things in the wrong place.” Louis began. “I also bought you some fresh groceries and poured out all of your alcohol. I then went to the landlord and your next three months of rent and what you owed him is taken care of.” Harry’s mouth dropped but Louis continued. “I don’t know caused you to be in this stupor and you don’t have to tell me, not until you’re ready. You don’t need to pay me back for anything, not the cleaning not the groceries or the money. However you have to go to AA meetings and you have to get a job. If you don’t get a job in a month then you’ll owe me some money. Remember Harry, if you can hold up your end of the agreement then I won’t ask for anything in return.”

“Louis, I don’t even know what to say. I just…you didn’t have to do any of this. I don’t deserve it.”

“You do, Harry. I care about you so much and I can’t let you keep going like this. Please just promise me you’ll do as I ask.”

Harry nodded, “Yes yes of course. I promise you Louis I won’t let you down.”

And he didn’t. He started going to AA meetings and he was out looking for jobs every single day. It took him two weeks but he finally landed a factory job which kept him busy all day and by the time he got home he was so tired he couldn’t even think about having a drink. Besides he promised Louis and his friends in AA that he wouldn’t drink and he wanted to keep that promise. Since Harry didn’t have to pay for rent for three months most of his checks were able to be spent on groceries and a small fund he saved to pay Louis back. He knows Louis said he didn’t have to pay him back but Louis saved his life and Harry felt like the least he could do was try to pay him back.

While Harry was cleaning up his act Louis was there every step of the way. They hung out almost every day and texted each other all day and night. The boys were becoming closer and closer and it was becoming more and more apparent that Harry needed to tell Louis the truth. He was just so goddamn scared. He hasn’t told anyone except his family what happened and he’s terrified of what would happen if he actually spoke the words again. He’s worked so hard the past month and a half and he doesn’t want to go back to that. He doesn’t want to disappoint or lose Louis, he means too much to him. So even though Harry knows it’s not fair to Louis to keep him waiting, Harry waits another month to tell him the truth.

On the anniversary date of the bad news Harry decided to tell Louis what happened to him. Harry was incredibly nervous and he felt like the was going to throw up and Louis could totally tell. So Louis reached out and rubbed Harry’s forearm.

“In year six I decided I wanted to join the armed forces.” Harry began. “Everyone was telling me I couldn’t do it and no one believed in me. I wanted it more than anything though and I wanted to prove people wrong. I wanted to save people, I wanted to be a part of something that was bigger than I was. I wanted to leave Holmes Chapel, I wanted to do great things. I strongly believed that that meant joining the army. I worked my ass off to be healthy and to work out to prepare myself to join. It’s all I could think about and dream about and I just wanted it so bad, I wanted it more than anything Louis.” Harry explained. “The only condition I had was that my mom wanted me to finish college before I enlisted so I did as she wished. I finally finished and a couple months ago I could actually enlist and I could do everything I wanted to do. I could finally accomplish my dreams.” Harry said taking a deep breath. “I took all the necessary tests before enlisting and,” Harry paused tears brimming his eyes and his bottom lip trembling, “I couldn’t do it. I have asthma and I couldn’t enlist.” Harry heard Louis gasp but Harry didn’t bother looking at him, he just couldn’t. “So just like that what I had been working so hard at was swept out from underneath me and my whole world turned upside down. I didn’t know what to do anymore, I didn’t have any form of back up plans and I was fired from my job so I just started drinking and smoking. I seriously didn’t think there was any other option. I was drinking all day and night and I was a wreck, an absolute wreck. Then I met you and you changed everything.” Harry said with a smile, stealing a glance at Louis. “I drank less when I was with you and I stopped smoking altogether. I didn’t see you for a while so my drinking habits went back to normal which isn’t your fault at all. Then my landlord said I would be evicted at the end of the month and I hit rock bottom.” Harry took another deep breath. “You came in and helped me pick up the pieces again. Without you I probably wouldn’t be here and I don’t just mean this flat. My depression was terrible and I didn’t want to wake up at all.” Harry heard Louis choke back a sob but he kept going. “Honestly Louis I was so bad, worse than you probably thought. Lou bug, you saved me.” Harry finally looked at Louis. “You saved me. You’re my compass, you guided me home.”

There was a few seconds of Louis and Harry just staring at each other until finally Louis all but lunged forward and brought his lips to Harry’s. Harry’s hand immediately found his way to Louis’ neck and held him in place as they kissed, everything they were feeling went into that one kiss. They moved together as if they’ve been together for years and they knew exactly how to make each other feel loved. Harry carefully stood up making Louis stand up as well and walked them back to Harry’s room, Louis kissing him the whole time. Upon entering Harry’s room, Louis became the dominant one and started to undress Harry slowly then undressed himself. Louis kissed all over Harry’s body and loved him how Harry has always deserved. They kissed lazily and held onto each other tightly until they fell asleep, waking up hours later still tangled in each other.

“I love you, Harry.” Louis whispered. “I love you so much, I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you and I love the same way now. I knew something happened and I knew you weren’t always like this. I just wanted to help; I just wanted to get you back on your feet. I didn’t know I would be saving your life. I’m so honored to be a part of it, baby. I really am. I’m so sorry the army didn’t work out, I can tell how upset it made you and I’m so sorry for that. Although I am terribly sorry you couldn’t fulfill your biggest dream I’m happy you couldn’t because I get you now. I get you all to myself, if you’ll allow it. You’re my dream Harry; you’re my moon that keeps me here. You’re the person to keep me grounded and sane. I don’t know what I would do without you Harry, I can’t even imagine you being so far away from me where I can’t protect you. Please promise me you’ll never go away like that, please?” Louis asked crying. “I know it’s not fair of me to ask that of you but please Harry…” Louis trailed off.

“Oh baby, no. I’ll never leave you. I love you so much Louis, so much. I could never leave you, even if I tried even if I wanted to. You mean the world to me Louis. I promise I am not going anywhere.”

Louis faintly smiled, “Okay, okay. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Louis repeated kissing all over Harry’s face.

Harry giggled and lightly pushed Louis away, “I love you too. Baby?”

“Yes?” Louis questioned.

“You do know you’re not sleeping with me again until you take me on a date right?” Harry asked giggling.

Louis laughed and rolled his eyes, “Can’t we just skip all those formalities?”

“How about you just agree to be my boyfriend and take me on dates because that’s what boyfriends do?”

Louis pretended to think, “I guess that could work.”

Harry gasped and turned so he was laying on his back. Louis laughed loudly and crawled on top of Harry.

“Come on love I was just kidding.” Louis said kissing Harry’s butterfly tattoo. “Surely you should know that I’m all yours.”

Harry smiled, “And I’m yours.” Louis smiled and kissed Harry again, slowly and passionately; how he’s wanted to all these months.

From that day on Harry hasn’t had another drink, he hasn’t had another cigarette and although he still gets sad he has Louis now to guide him back home. Harry isn’t proud of how he reacted to the horrible news and while he still gets a bit sad about it, he is thankful it didn’t work out because now he’s happier than he’s ever been and he’s in love and really that’s all Harry has ever wanted.