Shadows Kiss

It absolutely broke my heart to watch Anna go, knowing there was nothing I could do to make her stay, and not even wanting to try. After what she had to go through, I knew she couldn't stay. What Brian had done was not only cruel, it was devastating to the group as a whole. Everyone now resented Brian for the hurt he caused Anna. We all knew how much she cared for him.

I did my best to keep my distance from Brian. I had nothing to say to him. He had ripped my best friend's heart out, then walked all over it. The horrific scene played over in my mind every time I looked at the dark haired guitarist. I just couldn't get over the look on Anna's face as I entered the bus that night. I could feel her pain as if it were my own. And now because of him, she was gone. For me that was the hardest part. Anna was often the only thing that kept me sane on this tour. She was the one thing I still had from my real life back home. Now Anna, just like every other aspect of my old life, was gone.

I sat alone looking out the window of the bus, my chin resting in the palm of my hand, as I leaned upon the table. All the boys were peacefully dreaming. In a way, so was I. Dreaming of my old life and all the things I missed so badly. 'Only one more week.' I kept reminding myself. Then I could finally be set free from this smothering bus. I would never return home for good now, I knew that much. But at least Matt and I would finally be given the chance to create our own normal.

I jumped at the touch of a cold hand on my shoulder. I whirled around with wide eyes to see Zacky. "Oh Zack, you startled me." I had a laugh at myself, putting a hand over my chest to still my wildly beating heart.

"I'm sorry." He gave me a small smile, taking the seat across from me. "What are you doing? It's late, you should be getting some rest."

"Can't sleep." I shrugged, looking down to the table.

"Yeah?" He paused, his bright green eyes looking over me. "I've noticed you haven't been sleeping much lately."

"I'm growing restless." I admitted, looking up to the gorgeous dark haired boy.

"I'm sorry." He whispered sincerely, biting down on his full bottom lip. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back into the booth. "It's almost over though. And you made it through beautifully. Now that's something to be incredibly proud of."

I giggled at him. "Thanks. Really, it's been wonderful. I've had a lot of fun with you guys. I just..."

"You miss home?" He asked, leaning down to meet my gaze. I nodded. "And the Aunts?" I nodded again. "And your friends?" Again I nodded. "But mostly Anna, because you know she's hurting and you can't be there to heal her pain like you always do. Right?"

I brought my head up to look at him. I pushed my long hair behind my ears, sitting up straight in the booth. "Exactly." I sighed. "I hate it. I hate that she is hurting, I hate that I'm not there for her like I should be, I hate what he did to her."

"I hate what he did too Alice. I don't understand why Brian does the things he does, I don't think anyone does." Zacky shook his head with disappointment at his friend.

"I just don't get it Zacky. If Brian was that unhappy he should have just told her. He should have been a man about it and ended things, then moved on with his life. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair what he did to Anna. It was cruel and it was heartless, what he did." I heard the rise in my voice, deciding to lower my tone. "I'm sorry Zack, I don't mean to unload on you. I know he is your friend, I mean he is mine too, I'm just really upset with him still."

"Don't apologize to me Alice, I totally understand. You're human, I wouldn't expect you to feel any other way about the situation."

"Thanks for being understanding."

"No problem. Any time you need to talk, I'm always here for you Alice. Don't forget that, okay?"

I nodded with a small smile to the green eyed boy.

.................................................................................................................................................

The next night we were in Italy for a show. Everyone sat laughing and joking together, except for Brian. He was in the corner alone, strumming aimlessly on his guitar. He had remained quiet and kept mostly to himself since the incident had occurred. He had attempted to talk to me on several occasions, but I simply walked away.

I glanced across the room to him. He looked up at me with a sad expression on his pale face. "So have you heard anything from Anna lately?" Johnny captured my attention. I broke the staring contest with Brian and turned to face him. "She doing okay?"

"Yeah, I talked to her earlier for a little while. She's doing the best she can, ya know. The girls have been really supportive since she got back home." I tried to smile.

"That's good to hear." Johnny nodded to my response.

"It is. I'm proud of her." I stated.

"I really miss her." Jimmy sighed. "She was always so happy and upbeat about everything, ya know?"

"That's Anna." I responded, thinking of my best friend, with that glorious, enchanting, bright smile and that contagious laughter of hers.

"Or that was Anna." Johnny whispered, staring down at the ground.

"Shut the fuck up Johnny!" Brian jumped up from his spot across the room.

Johnny turned his head, his eyes met Brian's then. Instantly I was aggravated by Brian's words. I knew Johnny was ready for a fight, but I beat him to it. "No you shut the fuck up Brian!" I yelled, shooting him a sharp look.

"I wasn't talking to you Alice." He huffed back at me, trying to control his anger.

"I don't really give a damn who you were talking to, I'm talking to you now." My voice began to rise even louder.

"Alice, quit while you're ahead." He warned me.

"Oh quit while I'm ahead? Maybe you should take your own advise there Bri. You know like when you are causing someone pain just by your attitude? You shouldn't feel the need to push that pain into devastating levels by being a heartless monster! So next time, why don't you just quit while you're ahead?" My blood was boiling in my veins.

I watched as Brian clenched his hands into fists. "Don't you judge me! Don't sit there and act like you know anything about mine and Anna's relationship. You walk around here all high and mighty just because you're Matt's girlfriend. I'm so sorry that everyone can't be perfect like you and Matt, Alice! We can't all be so lucky to not have a single flaw like yourself, Lady Shadows!"

"Brain! Enough!" Matt stood, screaming over to his friend.

"No!" I stood too, reaching an arm out to push Matt back. "No Matt, let him go. Let him go ahead and make an ass of himself again. It seems that's what he is best at after all."

"At least I'm not a stuck up bitch!" Brian nearly spat the words at me.

"You're right Bri," I smirked, slowly crossing the room to him. "You were one of my best friends in the entire world. You were like my big brother, always there for me no matter what I needed. And I would have done anything for you, if you asked me to. Then you tricked me. You made me believe that you really cared about my very best friend in the entire world. That was a relationship I pushed for, I supported, I encouraged." I continued to close the space between us. "But you know what the really sad part is? I knew you guys were having problems. I held Anna as she cried to me, worried over you, scared she was losing you, terrified of having to live without you. And you know what I did Bri?" I was right up in his face now. "I said 'Oh Anna, don't worry. Brian is just really stressed out right now, just give him time, everything will be fine.' I was rooting for you Brian." I poked him hard in the chest. "You know why Bri? Because that's what real friends do! But what did you do? You broke all your promises. You ripped her heart out and hurt her in a way that nobody else ever could, in the cruelest way possible. You caused my best friend a world of heart ache. And you don't even give a fuck! So yeah, you're damn right I'm a bitch!"

I watched the tears build up in his deep, brown eyes and his bottom lip began to quiver. "So that's how you see it, huh? For someone who I thought was my best friend, it's obvious now that you don't know anything about me!" He felt the need to emphasize the word 'anything'. He then stormed out of the room.

"Holy shit, Alice made Gates cry!" Zacky said with a chuckle.

"Good, I hope he cries." My tone was dark, almost evil. "I hope he fuckin cries himself to sleep every single night, just like poor Anna. He deserves to, not her. He knows what he did was wrong, he just doesn't want to admit it. That's why he acts like such a dick anytime someone confronts him about it. But he's the one who will have to live with that forever, not anybody else."

"He will have to live with that forever." Zacky nodded in agreement.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, fuck him." Johnny huffed.

Matt shook his head, heading for the dressing room. "Let's get ready, we have a show to do."

.................................................................................................................................................

A couple days later we had finally entered England. I was so excited for the final show of the tour. Sweet freedom was so close and now more real than ever. The boys were all tucked away in bed at a nearby hotel. Once again I couldn't sleep. I had read about an old cemetery long ago in this same town, that I wanted to check out.

I decided to go alone in the middle of the night. For most people this would be frightening, but not to me. I had always been different from other girls, I had an unexplainable appreciation for dark beauty. For whatever reason it captivated me. Going to old cemeteries was one of my favorite things to do. I hated to think that people had been forgotten with time, that centuries later no one would come to visit them, to remember them.

I walked through with my flashlight, reading off names and brushing the dust off the tombstones. After I paid a visit to each one, I then sat down on a marble bench that sat in the center of the graveyard. I listened as the wind blew her secret message through the trees of the surrounding forest. I looked up to the bright moon above with a smile. It was beautiful here.

I heard the opening of the wrought iron fence and turned to see a dark figure headed towards me. I jumped up turning around to see what was happening. My heart began to race as I peered at the figure moving close towards me. "Who are you?" I called out into the darkness.

"Your worst fucking nightmare." A deep, unnatural voice growled. Finally he stepped closer, revealing a familiar face. "They call me Synyster Gates."

I rolled my eyes, taking my seat again. "How did you know where to find me?"

He sat down next to me. "I have my ways."

"Whatever." I huffed.

"Alice, we need to talk. I hate this, I really do."

"Hate what?"

"This." He motioned between us. "Us, being like this. It sucks."

I sat silently, looking back up to the moon for an answer. In Wicca, a key concept is forgiveness. I loved Brian, I really did. And to be honest I hated 'this' just as much as he did. Not being able to talk to him about anything and everything was killing me. I wanted to get past all this, I just didn't know how. When he hurt Anna, he hurt me too, and that's what he didn't realize. He expected Anna to be upset with him, but not me. I searched deep within myself for an answer. "Me too." I whispered into the cool night air.

"Look, I don't expect you to forgive me, definitely not any time soon anyway. But I do want you to know that I am terribly sorry for my actions. What I did was wrong. I should have never hurt Anna like that. I took it too far." He explained, running a hand through his messy hair.

"I just don't understand why you did it Gates." I looked deep into his warm, brown eyes.

He sighed loudly, pausing for a moment. "Alice, I can't tell you why I did what I did, at least not now. I realized I'm not right for Anna. I'm not something she needs in her life. I don't deserve such an amazing woman. And in time she will see that she is much better off without me."

"But Bri-"

"I know, she loves me Alice. And don't doubt for one second that I love her, because I do love her. But she deserves so much more than what I can offer her. That was the problem, I loved her too much to let her go. I became distant thinking she would decide to walk away on her own. But she didn't, no matter what I did, she never gave up on me. And that made it even harder. So I took the one thing that I knew was her ultimate deal breaker and acted on it. It killed me, doing that to her. You have no idea how hard that was on me to watch her walk away and pretend like I don't care."

"Bri, you're not making any sense." I looked at him confused by his words.

He took my hand in his, enclosing both with his other hand. He turned his body to face mine, looking deep into my bright blue eyes. "I know without the answers it is hard to understand. And I am very sorry Alice, but I can't give them all to you now. But believe me when I tell you, some day you will understand, then all of this will make perfect sense. And instead of hating me for what I have done to your dear friend, you will actually thank me."

I stared up at him speechless. He smiled down to me, wrapping his arm around me, pulling me into him. I took my hand back to wrap my arms around him in a tight hug, resting my head upon his shoulder. He brought his other arm around to enclose me in a hug. "You're right, I don't understand. And I won't ask you to reveal any secrets you're not ready to. I believe you when you say, some day it will make sense to me." I sobbed onto his shoulder.

"Again Alice, I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or Anna, just know that I had to. I would never let anyone or anything hurt either of you. I hate that it had to be me that did it, but I had no choice."

"Bri?" I whispered into his ear.

"Yes?"

"I forgive you."

I felt a small kiss on my forehead. We pulled away from the friendly embrace, looking at one another again. He wiped away the remaining tears and smoothed a strand of blond hair behind my ear. "I'm glad." He smiled brightly to me then.