Trade

I stayed by the door all night. I didn't sleep. I was terrified he'd come back. Terrified he'd find a way of taking back to that place.
He'd messed with my head now - he'd sounded so sincere, but he couldn't be, he was evil. Right?

I don't even know anymore.

I was going to have a shower but decided against it, choosing to do exercise instead. Should I call Oli? Should I call the police? Shadows? Get him to leave me alone? A million questions came into my head and I ignored every one of them.

I decided to do a run on the treadmill and started it up slowly, quickly getting up to a fast pace. I could feel my legs beginning to shake with exhaustion but pushed through it, trying to channel all my energy into running. It seemed to work because I managed to stay on there for an hour before I was forced to stop.

I had a shower then, and tried to settle on the couch. My mind however, wanted different things. I wanted desperately to go out for a walk, but what if Shadows was out there waiting for me? Or what if I ran into him somewhere?

I was sat on the stairs when there was a knock on the door again.

"Who is it?" I asked, heart in my mouth.

"You don't have to ask, you already know." I nodded at that.

"Why won't you leave me alone?"

"I need to get my point across." I, in frustration and anger, found some kind of bravery inside me and crossed the gap from the stairs to the door, and flung it open, trying my best not to shrivel at the sight of Shadows only a few inches from me.

He did look different, his hair was short and neat now, he wore jeans, shirt, and a leather jacket. There was no facial hair to be seen, he didn't have bags under his eyes anymore, he smelt of cologne and soap rather than cigarettes and alcohol. He looked clean cut and fresh. But that didn't mean what he'd been trying to say was even a little bit true.

"You look better.." He mumbled quietly, looking away sadly.

"As do you. Now make whatever point it is that you have to, and go."

"What made you open the door?" He asked me gently, his eyes searching mine,

"Because you won't leave me alone until I hear you out. And believe me I want you out of my life in every possible way. Seeing as I can't get you out of my very worst nightmares, I'll settle for not having you knocking at my door every day." He looked down at the floor and then out at the street. I stayed where I was, arms folded, legs beginning to shake slightly.

"I need you to know some things, Kellin." I nodded for him to continue.
"I will never, ever expect you to forgive me for those things I did to you, and I will never be able to forgive myself, it'll haunt both of us forever. But I need you to know...I had a lot of problems Kellin, I have since I was a kid, and I turned to drugs to help me dull the pain and get away from them, I got so hooked on heroin that I was on it 24/7...I'm not gonna stand here and blame everything I did to you on the drugs, but I...you have to know that if I'd've been in the state of mind that I'm in now, I wouldn't have been able to even think of doing what I did to you." I shifted slightly, my heart was pounding in my chest and I wanted to cry.

I wanted to believe him. It was stupid really, but I did. And I thought he was telling me the truth, but I just couldn't allow myself to believe it, couldn't allow myself to even begin to forgive him or understand him.

"I...you made me realise how bad I'd got...and it made me angry at first so I took it out on you, then I felt so guilty for it that I got you all cleaned up and sold you off again - I just couldn't bear to have you around me anymore because I hated that I was hurting you." I bit my lip, my legs began to buckle and I moved back, sitting down on the second stair.

"H-how are your legs?"

"Really fucking weak thanks to you." He looked away guiltily, blinking rapidly.

"If it was so bloody important to you that I didn't get hurt anymore...why'd you sell me? If it wasn't for Oli...I'd be with this gross, old, mean looking fat guy right now. Oli stepped in literally at the last second to buy me." Shadows shook his head, a hand coming up to rub his eyes.

"Oh god...I'm just sorry..." He turned away and his shoulders started shaking.

"You raped me...constantly. You know before I got to you I was a virgin? I wanted to save myself for someone special, yeah, it's ironic, right?" I stood up again, voice getting louder of it's own accord, Shadows was still crying.

"I was terrified of you right from the word go. You know I would've done anything you told me to, you could've shown me how to give you a good blow job, or how to prep myself. You didn't have to do all those things you did, even when I was strong, it's not like I could've fought you off, could I?!!" I yelled the last bit at him and he spun round, screaming back at me.

"I'M SORRY!!!" Seeing him in pain with tears streaming down his face didn't make me feel better as I thought it would.

"I'm sorry..." He repeated it over and over, sinking down in the doorway, trying to stop his tears.

I sat down with a sigh on the step, leaning back against the hallway. After a while he stopped crying and looked at me, I met his eyes wearily, I realised then that I wasn't scared anymore. Even having him this close, I wasn't scared. That brought me some relief, but I was just tired now. Tired of fighting and being scared.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"I don't care anymore." He nodded, looking out at the street then back at me.

"Well, I'll leave you...like I said before...I know I can't ever make up for what I did, and I don't expect you to forgive me....but I'd like to prove to you that I've changed. If that's ok." I nodded slowly, Shadows tilted his head at me once and left, closing the door behind him.

What had I just agreed to?