Trade

When I woke up it took me a while to realise that I was in Matthew's house. When I remembered what Oli had done, it felt like the world had come crashing round me, and fairly soon I was in tears again. Matthew knocked on the door gently and came and sat on the bed, gingerly offering me a hug which I accepted gratefully. He dwarfed me with his large frame and big muscles, and I felt oddly safe and reassured.

"I'm so sorry Kel." I just breathed, sick of crying. We sat like that for a while before I detangled myself from him and went for a shower.

I walked into his living room afterwards, feeling a little embarrassed, but the second he spoke, he eased that feeling and made me feel safe again.

I stayed there most of the day with him before I felt I had imposed enough and said that I would leave.

"You always have a place here ok? If you ever need me again just come over or call, I don't mind." I smiled at him gratefully.

"Thank you, really. Anyway, I'll see you round I suppose."

I walked back home, sadness seeping back into me the closer I got to the front door.
I opened the door and Oli was sat there on the steps, eyes wide, rocking back and forth slightly. When I came in he stood up.

"Kellin-"

"I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sad. I'm hurt."

"I'm sorry."

"I know." He came closer and I held my hands up, stopping him in his tracks.

"Don't, I...just no..." I brushed past him, climbing the stairs slowly.

That afternoon, sat in my room for the second hour, I was struggling to find an outlet for the emotion in me so I decided to write.
After three story attempts, two poems, and a drawing that all failed, I chose to try and write a song.

The first two weren't great, but the third one, I felt was a little better.

Oli knocked on the door and my cloud of buzzing happiness disappeared. He came in slowly and sat down on the bed.

"Kellin tell me what to do..." He said, voice hoarse. I felt almost guilty then, me sitting there being happy writing songs, and him in emotional turmoil, but then I remembered what he did to me and I felt a little better.

"I don't know. I just want this to not have happened...."

"Me too, believe me it wasn't worth it and I don't even fucking remember it!!! I don't remember actually....doing it...I was so pissed, and I missed you. I miss you now."

"You too...but every time I look at you or touch you...I think of you with that guy." He nodded, his hand gripping the back of his neck hard.

"Can I start making it up to you..?"

"I guess you're welcome to try." I felt like an idiot as he grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a tight hug, tearfully whispering his thanks into my ear.

That afternoon I called Vic.

We met in town, and I can't even describe how amazing it felt to have his familiar skinny frame giving me a hug and his long hair tickling my face.
I didn't realise how much I'd actually missed him until we pulled apart and I realised we were both in tears.
We spoke for HOURS. I told him absolutely everything that'd happened from the day if been taken up until now. He asked questions. A lot of questions, and I answered every one of them. It was just time to let everything out, and if there was one person in this world who I could do that to, it was Vic.

He was really sympathetic about my situation with trusting Oli, and he was angry at him for cheating on me.
But what he was really worried about, was my now friendly relationship with Matthew. And I mean really, really worried.

So much so that he actually asked me not to see him by myself, or that he wanted to meet him to at least see if he was a nice guy.
When it reached nine o'clock at night, and we were both exhausted, we parted ways with promises of meeting up and Vic making me swear that if I got upset I'd go to him rather than Matthew.

I got home feeling more confident, and when I got in the door, Oli was waiting in the front room with a bowl of popcorn and a pile of my favourite movies.
"What's this?"

"For you - get comfy and sit down." I didn't ask how long he'd been waiting for me, to be honest I was glad I'd made him wait, although that little voice in my mind was telling me to feel guilty.

That night I went to go to sleep in my own bed and the pain in Oli's eyes as he kissed me goodnight - on the cheek - made me change my mind and sleep in his bed. The grin on his face when I changed directions still made me warm inside.

As I lay there, I began to doubt wether I was making the right decisions.

I'd let a cheating boyfriend back into my life, and I'm friends with the guy who used to be on drugs, who raped me for months on end.

What on earth had I done?