Trade

Over the next few weeks Oli took me to see my parents a lot more often, he and his band started work on a new record, which they wrote in Oli's house most of the time, and it was so cool for me to meet the guys and see all the processes that go into making a record. I was surprised that they each came to me to see what I thought of their individual pieces. Me and Jordan got on like a house on fire as I knew we would, and Nicholls turned out to be one of my best friends. The others got on great with me too and I had fun with helping them out and even giving them suggestions on how to make it better.
They were surprised how much I actually knew about music and took my advice on anything, which secretly made me feel more grown up and I liked that.

Oli was at the happiest I'd ever seen him with doing this record and I was happy for him. I thought this album would turn out to be fantastic, the lyrics were beyond amazing, and I managed to bring Oli out of his comfort zone a little and actually make him sing as well as scream in the songs. The guys couldn't believe how great his voice was and all thanked me for it.

One night me and Oli were sat on my bed talking and every now and then shouted the answers to a quiz show that was on TV, and we fell asleep.
The next morning I felt warm and realised my head was on his chest, he had both arms wrapped around me and our legs were entangled. When I looked up he was already waking up and smiled.
"Oh hey."
"Hey." I laughed and detangled myself from him, feeling secretly disappointed at the loss of contact. He lied there for a while, rubbing his eyes.
"Wanna go out today?"
"How...exactly would we do that?"
"I've got some ideas." We showered and got dressed then he helped me in the car, put a massive bag in the boot, then off we went.

I had no idea where we were when we pulled up to a tall grass bank.
"Are you planning to kill me, shove me in that bag and ditch me here?" Oli laughed.
"Not quite." He took the bag up the steps to the bank and disappeared over the top before coming back a few minutes later and carrying me up there. I felt my face split into a huge smile when I saw that we were at a beach, a really fantastic beach, a beach with no one else on besides an old couple walking their dog ages away.
"Oh my god!! This is amazing!!" He smiled and sat me down on a blanket, I realised he'd brought breakfast out with us.
"Not too shabby is it?" I laughed at him and started on breakfast, managing to eat all of it.
"Hey you finished it!! That's great." We sat on the beach for hours before he carried me down to the water and supported me by my arms while we stood in the water and splashed about.

On the way home I felt like something had happened, like something had just happened between me and Oli that I couldn't forget. On the one hand, he was just being kind and taking me out and having fun. On the other, I felt as if it meant something else, but I wasn't sure what.
"What are you thinking about?" He asked quietly.
"Nothing. That was so great. Thank you."

The rest of the afternoon we spent curled up under a blanket on the couch watching Batman movies and eating popcorn. When I went to brush my teeth before bed, Oli came in and did his at the same time. I turned to put mine on the shelf as Oli came towards my direction to wash his toothbrush off and we bumped into each other.
"Oh, sorry..." I trailed off as I looked up and he was looking down at me with an expression I'd never seen on anyone's face before. Suddenly he leant down and his lips brushed mine gently, I whimpered slightly by accident and he stepped back, brushing a hand through his hair.
"I-uh, sorry." He took me to bed and I didn't know what to do. He'd kissed me. He'd actually kissed me. My complete experience of kissing had been with Shadows, and this had felt very different, I didn't know what it meant. I felt like I wanted to kiss him, but Oli just laid me gently on the bed then left quickly.

The next morning there was a note on my bedside table saying he'd gone out for a run. I felt guilt flood my senses, I'd made it awkward for him to be around me, I should've kissed him back to let him know I didn't mind. Although, if I had, after that length time, would he have taken it the wrong way? Would he take it the wrong way now?

I managed to get out of bed myself, I was ecstatic that my legs felt stronger today, but I was still pitifully weak and had to shuffle down the stairs on my bum like a child before I could do anything. I felt frustratingly restless, but couldn't do anything. I made it to the kitchen but didn't want to eat, I was too agitated. I sat on the stairs for a while, went back upstairs, made my bed, had a shower, got dressed, went through the motions, pushed myself to walk for longer, hoping that it'd get rid of the energy I had building up inside me. My legs buckled again, resulting in me punching the banister on the stairs, and sitting on the stairs again waiting for Oli with my head in my hands.

I waited for hours before the front door made a noise, I jumped and looked up, it was Jordan and I felt my heart sink.
"Hey!! What are you doing on the stairs?"
"Legs."
"Oh. Want me to take you somewhere? Where were you going?"
"Nowhere."
"Ok...is Oli around?"
"Nope. Went out for a run hours ago...so we know that's bullshit." Jordan frowned.
"Did you two have an argument?"
"Nope. I'm just frustrated. Sorry." Jordan sat with me and spoke, speaking to him calmed me down slightly but I still desperately needed Oli to come home.

Jordan left after a few hours and by the time Oli had come back I was a mess. He came in, sweaty and slightly red, he was panting slightly and stopped when he saw me.
"Oli-"
"Don't. It's ok." I forced myself onto my feet as he made up the stairs and stood in front of him.
"No it's not." I kissed him, flushing with embarrassment. He pulled away from me and took a step down.
"Kellin stop it." His jaw clenched and unclenched. I felt hurt and humiliated at the sting of rejection and got annoyed.
"Why? Last night you were the one kissing me-"
"You're kissing me because you feel like you owe it to me or you're scared of me and you don't have to be so, just don't. I don't need it."
"I'm kissing you because I want to!! I don't feel like I owe you anything and I'm definitely not doing it because I'm scared!!"
"Kellin it's ok, don't worry." He moved me to the side and the anger, frustration and pent up energy inside me threatened to explode.
"Stop it!!! Just listen to me!!" He turned round.
"Look, Kellin, you're frustrated because of your legs ok? If you weren't then this wouldn't be such a big deal to you." He walked off to shower and I slid down against the banister and cried emptily. I didn't know if what he said was true, or wether it was all bullshit and I actually felt something for this man. That thought scared me, it was the first time I'd really thought about it, and it seemed very possible, but I'd never been with anyone, or even willingly kissed someone before. I didn't know how relationships worked.

Later after we ate dinner, which I couldn't manage a lot of, he took me to bed as usual, he tried to apologise for his behaviour.
"Kellin look I'm sorr-"
"Jordan came to see you earlier. Don't know why." He nodded once and left slowly.
"Sorry."