Trade

The following days Oli was out for most of the time wrapping up finishing touches with the record company. A small part of me was relieved.

I'd become more and more aware that I felt almost detached from my own body and it scared me.
I'd been concentrating on my legs, completely exhausting myself every day and I was getting much stronger, but there was still something wanting.
Maybe I just needed to get back out into normal life again, go back to school or something. I needed to be back with my friends. Or maybe I needed to have this entire thing undone. Not that that was even possible.

Being in this house all day every day, and being alone for most of it, really didn't allow much time to escape from your thoughts.

Oli came back and chatted to me animatedly for almost an hour before realising there was something wrong.
"Are you ok?"

"Yes I'm fine."

"Kellin?" I leant forwards and kissed him roughly, fed up of feeling so hollow all the time. Oli responded immediately, cupping my head with one hand, the other snaking round my back to pull me gently towards his lap. I climbed on him, not breaking contact, and my heart rate was elevated, this was the closest we'd been, this was the closest I'd been with anyone.
Heat began to go straight to my groin as he kissed me, hips and hands working on me. I broke away from him, and we both sat, panting slightly.
"Where'd that come from?" He asked quietly, barely audible.

"Wanted to try it." Oli nodded, hands running up my thighs absent-mindedly.

"You're not ok, are you?" He asked, his eyes met mine and I couldn't even begin to describe the pain I found inside them.
He looked at me for several minutes, seemingly frozen until he sighed, breaking eye contact, a tattooed hand coming up to rub over his face.

"Kellin I don't know what to do...to help you, I can't even...tell me what to do." I shook my head, forehead reaching down to his.

"I don't know either."

"Tell me what's wrong, what you're feeling."

"I just don't feel anything, I...wanted to feel something..." Oli exhaled and slid out from underneath me, I settled back nervously and watched him slowly pace up and down...a hand pinched the bridge of his nose wearily.

"I'm sorry-"

"No, no this isn't your fault. Or mine. It's those fucking bastards that took you in the first place...they've fucked about with your head, you need time to heal Kellin and here I am trying to start a relationship with you of all things..."

"If it helps I'm good with that part." Oli laughed sadly and shook his head, sitting back down and giving me a hug.

"I need you in my life, but you need some time alone...which is maybe a good thing."

"What? I don't understand."

"I didn't want to tell you before because you were so scared, but now your nightmares have stopped and you're comfortable in the house alone...I need to tell you."

"What?!"

"We're going on tour....the band, I mean."

"Wow."

"If you want to come, that's cool, but maybe it'd be good for you to spend some time without me." I nodded slowly, thinking about it carefully.

"I think you're right. I mean I really like you..but maybe it'd be best to have a bit of distance for a while, then I will have recovered almost completely physically, and made good progress in my mental recovery too. I think it's good." Oli nodded.

"And hey, you can have anyone round at any time, you can go out whenever you like when you're feeling up to it, and you can stay with your parents or friends - whatever you want. Just...if anything were to upset you, or if it was difficult for you, you need to call me ok?" I nodded.

"I swear." Oli nodded and grinned.

"So when do you guys leave?"

"In two days. It's not a long tour, just a month, we're going to France and Germany." I smiled and nodded, although inside I was sad. But maybe that was a good sign, I was finally feeling something.

Oli packed up and set off for the airport with the guys on Friday, and I was left in the big house all by myself.

I was sat on the sofa that night, watching tv, and the doorbell rang.
It felt like I had a heart attack it made me jump so much.
I stood up slowly and paused the programme, making my way to the door.
"Kellin? I know you're there let me in." I froze in panic when I recognised that voice. That gruff, deep, American voice.

"G-go away!!"

"Kellin I'm not gonna hurt you I swear....I...I need to talk to you...I need to...apologise..." I frowned when his voice cracked and I could
hear him crying, sobbing like a child.

"That trick isn't going to work."

"Kellin it's not a trick I swear. Look, I was so drugged up when I bought you, I was addicted to heroin, and you made me see, that I had gotten myself into such a bad place, that I went to rehab. I'm a different man now Kellin I just wanted to apologise. I need to...I need to see you, I need to know you're alright." My heart was in my mouth, I couldn't decide wether he was telling the truth or not.

"I'm much better than when I was with you. Now go." I bit my lip, holding back tears and praying that he would leave.

"Ok...ok I'm sorry....but I'm gonna prove to you that I'm a good person now, well, much better than I was, and I hope one day you'll be able to open that door and let me apologise properly. I'll leave you after you tell me one thing...that guy who bought you...he's kind to you?"

"V-very. M-much....more t-than you were-" I broke off in tears, I could tell Shadows was still over the over side of the door and he waited for a while before speaking again.

"I'm so sorry...please let me in Kellin I just..."

"Go away!!" I screamed through my sobs, Shadows muttered another apology and I heard his footsteps vanish, then a car pull away.

Once again, I was the one left crying in a heap on the floor. Although now, there was no Oli to make everything ok again.