Time Capsule of Love

Every year on the same day, for the past three years, I pull out the photo albums and I go through them, reminiscing. It's always nice to reminisce, even if it's once a year. Everybody should relive their memories through photos, keeping the moment alive so it never fades. Photos keep my memories with my husband Jimmie alive. We always love to look through the albums but he isn't here to do this with me right now.

I flip open the thinnest one we have and instantly smile at the picture that is staring back at me. Jimmie and I were always taking pictures when we were younger, whether it be us doing something stupid or just kissing, we always had a camera around. This particular first photo is one of the first times we kissed. It was our second date and we were taking a walk on the beach, strolling hand in hand. It was almost sunset and the sky had about ten to fifteen different colors in it. Jimmie had brought his camera with him so he could take pictures of us with the sunset as our backdrop. I laugh at the memory. He loves taking pictures.

I remember him pulling me close, one arm around my waist, the other supporting the camera, "Let's kiss." He had said and his lips were all of a sudden on mine, sparks flying everywhere. I had wrapped my arms around his neck and twirled my fingers in his dark brunette locks, unaware that he had snapped a few pictures of us making out. He had pulled away and looked down at the screen of his camera, showing him the pictures he took. I had laughed, louder than I am now, as I had pushed him down into the sand, calling him a sneaky little bastard.

I run my fingers over the picture, imagining Jimmie's lips on mine. He has the most amazing lips. They're soft and plump and everything you could want in lips. Mine are thin, although Jimmie always says that my lips are perfect for him. I guess that's a good thing since my lips only belong to him and nobody else. I have not been kissed by somebody romantically other than Jimmie in a long, long time. I don't plan on that ever changing.

I turn the page to see more pictures. More pictures of us kissing, a silhouette of us holding hands. Jimmie is a skilled photographer. I've always been envious of his artistic skills. He can take grade A photos and he can decorate any desserts he bakes. He's a chef, a dessert chef more specifically. Me? I'm a social worker, I help children find new homes and get to the bottom of their cases. Some children are abused, some are malnourished, some are left to fend for themselves in a case where the parents are alcoholics or drug users. My field of work is a very dark one, as opposed to Jimmie's which is pink and fluffy, in a sense.

I smile down at the photo of myself, with my hands buried in my face, my bare torso exposed. My waist was covered by Jimmie's bed sheets from high school. I remember this day well. It was the first time we had sex. Jimmie and I had an avid sex life, every day, sometimes more than once. It started back in high school, from this photo. That day we had gone skateboarding, a daily activity back then, and then we had gone back to his house just to chill. We ended up making out mostly and we barely noticed we were naked until we were actually in the nude.

Jimmie had handed me a condom out of nowhere and told me to go slow. I was gentle. I didn't want to hurt him. It was our first time, together and in general, having sex so it was clumsy and uncoordinated. In the years to come we had perfect our tempo and by the time we had the twins, he was the one topping. But that's another story for later. Right now, I was topping and it was perfect. As much as I loved to top, I loved when Jimmy was inside of me.

After we had sex he had grabbed his camera without me seeing it and when I caught him trying to sneak pictures of me, I had buried my face in my hands. It was my way of hiding. He laughed the whole time he took those pictures. I smile now, remembering the joy on Jimmie's face whenever he would embarrass me. He lived to see my cheeks redden and my voice go up an octave whenever I tried to make things better for myself. However, whenever I tried to make things better I would only further my embarrassment and Jimmie's torturous joy.

I flip the pages in the photo album. This album records the early years of our relationship, probably ages sixteen to twenty-one, the year we got engaged. In fact, the last picture of the photo album is a picture of me with my hands covering my face as usual and Jimmie down on one knee, a ring box being presented to me. It was on Jimmie's twenty-first birthday and we were at his mom's house. Jimmie had said that the greatest birthday present would be if I agreed to marry him. I had laughed and said "I'll marry you if you have a ring for me." I had meant it jokingly, but the next thing I knew was that Jimmie was on one knee and there was a ring in a black velvet box.

Of course I had said yes. It was one of the greatest moments when I said yes. Jimmie had sprang to his feet and whisked me in his arms, kissing me so hard and passionately that I almost fainted. He has always had a way with his mouth, which is why I'll never kiss another man romantically again. The only three people I kiss are my and Jimmie's children, the twins Opal and Jade, and our youngest son Tucson. They're all carbon copies of Jimmie and I, right down to the nose. I love them so much. They keep me sane, even when they're at their most insane.

But anyways, Jimmie had kissed me and his mom had taken pictures of every stage of that moment, documenting it forever. Looking back on it now, I kind of wish I hadn't cried so much. Jimmie always says that me crying always makes the moment look so much more real. In my opinion, it makes the photos look weird and makes me look so disgusting since there are tears streaming down my face. But, I guess Jimmie was right. True love was in every one of those tears and my shining eyes.

I close the photo album and wipe away a tear that manages to escape my eyes. I smile softly as I open the next album. This album is filled with all the pictures from our wedding and honeymoon. Jimmie and I gotten married October 18, 2006. We have been married for almost seven years and within that time we have conceived three beautiful children. The twins are eight years old and Tucson is six years old. Jimmie had proposed to me back in 2004 and we waited two years to get married because we found out that he was pregnant and we wanted to make sure we had enough time to plan and take care of two babies at the same time. All worked out well.

I start to go through our wedding photos, the first photos in the album are of me getting escorted down the aisle by my father and eventually being handed off to Jimmie. My father absolutely adores Jimmie and our three kids. He's always been a big part of my life, an even bigger part of it nowadays.

The next page of photos are of me and Jimmie saying our vows and our "I do"s. We each have this big, goofy smile on our faces and tears are shining in both our eyes. The flash of the camera had caught that. The last picture on the page was a picture of the two of us sharing our first kiss as a married couple. That had been a magical moment; it was a kiss that sealed me to him forever. I never wanted to break that seal.

I turn the pages and laugh out loud as I see Jimmie and I dancing our first slow dance, which eventually turns into all our friends and family
joining us and being idiots on the dance floor. There's a photo of me and Jimmie with our arms around each other and our foreheads touching, obviously sharing a moment. And then all of our friends and siblings had joined in, having the camera capture the laughter on me and my husband's faces. Jimmie's two best friends, Auben and Callahan, those two jokesters, had hoisted Jimmie and I onto their shoulder and we danced above everybody. It was fun. I miss those two, haven't seen them in a while.

A little bit further down the album's page is a photo of me holding Opal, who had been a little older than one years old at the time, and Jimmie holding her twin brother, Jade. I remember that moment particularly because as we were dancing, Opal had grabbed my hair and pulled, causing me to scream out softly in pain. Jimmie had tilted his head back and let out a roaring laugh, only to have Jade put his fingers into his daddy's open mouth. This picture captured all of that and I'm so glad it did. At least the babies looked cute.

I flip the pages until I find me and Jimmie cutting our cake, our arms wrapped around each other and one hand each on the knife. The picture looked so posed but I remember when we were taking it, I had reached down and squeezed Jimmie's butt. What can I say? He has a squeezable butt. But his revenge was captured in a picture further down the page.

It's a picture of when we were taking our first bite of our cake. Traditionally, the groom would feed a piece of the cake to his wife or husband and vice versa. Well, I had fed Jimmie his piece of cake and Jimmie had thought it was a good idea to, instead, smash the piece he was holding all over my face. My face in the picture was one of pure shock, my face and bits of my hair covered in white icing. I bite my lips now and stifle a giggle. That cake was really tasty, even if it had been all over my face.

The next couple of photos were our family portraits. We took pictures with just our parents and then we added the kids after that was done. And after that, we got all of our brothers and sisters together for one huge photo. That had taken about twenty minutes because everybody was talking and complaining and the photographer was actually getting frustrated with us. In our defense, we both have large families with people who have big mouths. We can't change that.

Once the wedding photos were over, the album transitioned to the honeymoon phase of our relationship. The first photo of this section is of Jimmie and me sitting on the airplane. My head was leaning slightly on his shoulder and his head on top of mine. It's kind of awkward but we could care less. The next photo was of us kissing before take off and before the snarky flight attendant ordered Jimmie to put his camera away. I don't understand why he had to put it away since it's not connected to wifi in any way whatsoever but he eventually did put it in it's case. Jimmie isn't one to break the rules.

We honeymooned in Hawaii. Neither of us had ever been there before and it was such a beautiful time of the year to go. The beach was absolutely gorgeous; we took lots of photos of us making sand angels and kissing and eating all the luxurious food that our hotel had to offer. We took lots of pictures when we went on a hike into a nonactive volcano. Hawaii was amazing and I miss it and I wish to go back there some day, maybe with the kids this time. I'm sure they'd love to see the scenery and play at the beach since we don't live near a beach now. We live in Arizona, in the middle of the desert. That's where Tucson's name had come from since he was indeed born in Tucson. Plus, the beds in Hawaii are great for sex.

As I close the photo album, it begins to get harder and harder to go through the photos. I know that the next album is huge and contains our life with the kids. Reliving their birth and the most recent events is tough. Their birth was beautiful. Jimmie couldn't feel a thing since he was put under a c-section but I watched the babies being pulled from him, that may sound grotesque but it's not, and it was a beautiful moment. Just seeing the children we waited nine months for, it was amazing.

I go through the first few photos, looking at the first days of the twins' life. The look of complete joy and love that was painted on my face as well as Jimmie's was priceless. There is nothing like a parent's love for their children. You actually have to have children experience this type of love. It's magnificent. The first time I held the twins, I felt an instant need to protect them with my life and to care for them with everything I had. It brings me joy every day to see them living life and playing without a care in the world.

The next few photos are the first photos we took as a family, Jimmie and I each holding a baby. They looked all mushy and identical at that point but now they look nothing a like. Jade had inherited Jimmie and my's jet black hair but Opal had this platinum blonde hair and I have no idea where it came from since I don't think that's how genes work. But I'm not complaining. She's beautiful and Jade is as handsome as ever. They both have bright blue eyes, which is a mystery too since Jimmie had brown eyes and that the dominate eye color. I have blue eyes myself but the brown should have out shined that. Tucson got all the boring genes, the brown hair and brown eyes. He's still cute as hell but his genes are so basic.

The first half of the photo album is dedicated to the twins, from their birth, to their first steps, to when we potty trained them. There's a really cute photo of Jade sitting on his "big boy" potty with a huge grin on his face and his cheeks are all puffy. I giggle every time I see the photo because he looks so happy to be siting on a big boy potty. We have a picture like that of Opal but Opal pulled a Papa and covered her face with her hands because she was embarrassed. She was mad at Jimmie for a whole day for taking a picture of her like that.

There's another picture of the twins with food covering them. As babies, the two of them didn't like to eat their food, they just liked to dump it all over themselves. Especially noodles and sauce. They loved the rubbery feel of the noodle and mashing it into one another. It was cute at first but then it just became a pain in the ass to clean up and we had to force them to actually eat their food. That never ended well.

And then came the torrent of first day of preschool, first day of kindergarten, et cetera et cetera pictures. Jimmie was always on top of this, making sure we took the picture at various places in the house and made sure at least one of us was with them in the picture. He lived for the first day of school. I think he just likes to make them special snacks for them to take to school and when they come home. He lives to cook because it's his passion.

And then comes the professional school photos where the twins look so cute and adorable. In most of them, they're each missing a tooth or two and the gaps in their teeth really just enhance their youth. They're growing up so fast though and it makes me sad since Jimmie and I can't have any more kids. I'd love to have another little girl. Opal is too cute to be the only girl. I do love my Jade and Tucy Bear just as much though.

In between the first day of school photos and picture day photos come the birthday parties, holidays such as Christmas and Halloween, and family gatherings. Halloween is always my favorite time of year for the twins and Tucson because we get to dress them up all cute. At first, when Opal and Jade were older, we tried to get them to wear matching costumes but they didn't want to. In Opal's words last year she said "I want to show my unique side. I can't be unique if I look like Jade!" What a wise young brat.

Once all the twin pictures are over, the Tucson photo reel kicks in. Tucson is autistic, although it's a very mild case. He's actually really sociable, he just has a hard time making eye contact and expressing himself in a calm demeanor. He often overreacts and it takes some time to calm him down. Usually some cuddle time does the trick and if that doesn't work, then warm milk usually calms him down. When he was born, we had no idea that he was autistic but as he grew older and didn't respond to us, we took him to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed him with autism. It's been a struggle but Jimmie and I handle it well, treating him like any normal human being.

Tucson loves photos, more than Jade and Opal, and is a willing participant when it comes to taking group pictures or individual pictures. There are several more photos of him doing silly things than there are of both Opal and Jade. Tucson is a total jam in front of the camera, even to this day. I absolutely love it. He's such a little mush that everybody loves him. He's my little man, my Tucy Bear. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

As I close the last photo album, it's then that I realize I'm crying. I cry every year as I look back on all the good times we had as a family. Remember how in the beginning I said I had done this for the last three years, on this exact day? Well, in case you were wondering, today isn't me and Jimmie's wedding anniversary. Or the anniversary of the day we met. Today is the anniversary of Jimmie's death.

Jimmie died three years ago today in a fatal car accident. He was obviously distracted, probably fiddling with the radio or something since I know he always locked his cellphone in the glove compartment of the car. The cellphone was actually found in the glove compartment when the police were going through the car. But, Jimmie had a head on collision with a Coca Cola truck, mashing him in between the truck and a large tree. The police had said that there would be no way to survive a crash as horrific as that one. I was crushed, no pun intended, when I found out it was the truth.

I had just gotten home from work. Jimmie was supposed to be working late that night and his mother, Jennifer, was at our house watching the kids. That night, when Jennifer left, I was fixing the kids dinner. It's so vivid in my mind, it's frightening. Opal was occupying Tucson in the living room and Jade was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. The doorbell had rung out and I immediately went to get the door, opening it. A man with a police uniform was standing before me, both hands tucked into his jacket pockets. I had instantly straightened.

The man had said: "Hi. Are you Cain Southwood?"

I remember biting my lip and furrowing my eyebrow as I responded slowly, "Yes, I am. Is there something I can help you with officer?"

The officer cleared his throat, "I'm afraid there's been an accident. A car accident. We found a wallet inside the car that belonged to a Jimmie Southwood. Is that your brother or something?"

I had gulped. My stomach had begun to contract with nerves. Had something happened to Jimmie? "That's my husband, sir."

The officer let out a sigh. His name tag stated that his name was Michael. Since that day I have hated Michael, "Well, Mr. Southwood, we're going to need you to come into the hospital right away to identify a body. It may very well be your husband." I remember my lips trembling. No, this couldn't be happening. Jimmie was alive and well at work. I wouldn't have to identify his body.

I had numbly agreed to go to the hospital. I gathered up my three children and made sure that the stove was off before we followed the officer to the hospital. Michael introduced me to a doctor, who promised that Michael would watch my children as I was identifying the body. I recalled my hands shaking and sweating profusely. I didn't want to walk into the room and seeing Jimmie lying there, dead as could be. I didn't want to see his mangled body; his beautiful body that should still be alive and breathing and well.

I had followed the doctor through the double doors, leaving my children with a stranger. No doubt they were as confused as I was. I didn't want to leave them but if this was true, I didn't want them to see their dead father, the father they loved so dearly. I braced myself as the doctor, who's name I don't recall at the moment, led me through another door.

A body was lying on a cool metal table. It was covered by what looked like a bed sheet. I shakily stepped next to the body. I wanted to close my eyes and never look but I had to do what they wanted. "Are you ready, Mr. Southwood?"

I had taken a deep breathe and clenched my fists, "As ready as I'll ever be." I had watched as the doctor pulled back the sheet to reveal my Jimmie, dead and cold. He was pale, gray even. My heart had tightened and I had let out a choked sob. My beautiful Jimmie had been mangled into something grotesque. He was bruised, gray and black and blue. He was almost unidentifiable. But I'd know my Jimmie and that was definitely him. It had been heart-wrenching to see him laying under that sheet, not breathing or moving.

"I assume that this is your husband." The doctor stated solemnly.

I had cried out, tears streaming down my cheeks, "Y-Yes. My Jimmie. Oh baby..." I had picked up his cool fingers. To me I hadn't been touching a corpse, I was showing my husband my last signs of affection, "I love you so much. This shouldn't have happened." I had whispered softly to him before laying his hand onto the metal table, turning away. I hadn't been able to stand the sight of him any longer. I remember a bunch of thought racing through my head at that moment. What was I going to tell the kids? His mother? His sisters? I couldn't even bare the news myself.

The months after Jimmie's death had been unbearable. All I had thought about was his body and the reaction of my children. I had never, ever seen them cry so hard. They didn't seem to understand at first, so it took a couple of tries to explain it to them. When they finally understood, it broke my heart further. Opal cried herself to sleep every night for the first few months and Jade refused to sleep in his own bed. Sometimes, he still sleeps with me at night. I guarantee that tonight, after we visit his grave, Jade will curl up with me in bed. Tucson, who was only three at the time, didn't understand at all. He barely remembers Jimmie at all and that is enough to stomp on my heart.

I refer to Jimmie in the present tense sometimes because I refuse to believe that he has crossed over. His spirit is still fully alive in my eyes. My love for him is still burning bright and I don't think that flame will ever go out. I keep him as the background on my phone, plus a photo on my bedside table of us on our honeymoon, kissing. On days that I'm feeling particularly sad, I'll look at that photo of us and think back to how happy we had been.

On days like today I'm always happy that Jimmie had a photography passion. Reliving our experiences through our photos is almost as good as the real thing. But nothing is as good as the real thing. Jimmie will forever be in my heart. I love you Jimmie. Rest in peace.