If You're Not

Jessie Ferns pulled into one of the spaces at the far end of the parking lot, the ones reserved for employees, and sighed, flipping down the visor to stare at her reflection. She had graduated college the summer before and had come home to Oklahoma City for the summer. She had worked in the family bar all summer, something she had been doing since she was old enough to start bartending. Before that she had worked summers as a waitress. She had been job hunting all summer, taking her time to find the right job for her, making enough at the bar to sustain herself, still living at home with her parents.

October rolled in, and Jessie found herself working most nights at the bar. It was one of the most popular local bars in town. She remembered the night, a Wednesday, because it had been Halloween and the bar filled quickly with younger patrons, out to enjoy the night. Everyone was in costume, Jessie included, who had spent the better part of a month shredding, dyeing and sewing fabric to look like Lady Gaga’s meat dress, right down to the fabric wrapped and tied around her wedges with butchers string.

Not slutty enough to be confused as one of the over sexed patrons of the bar, but with just enough cleavage to keep the good tips rolling in, she had noticed the tall brunette the minute he walked in a with a group of guys. She noticed a group scantily clad girls immediately eye the group and saunter over to them. The tall blonde of the group, with a cocky smile permanently etched on his face, took two of the girls, one under each arm and approached the bar. Behind him a brunette a few inches shorter with a friendly smile. Jessie noticed the slight gap between his teeth and the perpetually stoned look on his face. Bringing up the rear of the group was a tall and lanky brown haired boy who looked incredibly uncomfortable and then the other tall brown haired boy, the one who had caught Jessie’s eye already.

“What’ll it be boys?” Jessie asked.

The cocky one grinned. “You.” The girls at his side shot dirty looks in Jessie’s direction.

“Based on those X’s on your hands, I believe the correct response is water,” Jessie replied with a sweet smile. The shortest of the bunch, the one with the gap, laughed.

“She’s got you, Hallsy. I’m Jordan.”

“Jordan, it’s a pleasure. I see you have escaped the X’s. Beer for you?”

As the night wore on, she learned each of their names, all of them hockey players for the minor league team in town. Jessie hadn't even known there was a hockey team in town but Jordan had insisted she come to their game on Friday. It was her first night off from the bar in weeks and she had been planning to spend it on the couch but instead, she found herself returning the smile Justin shot in her direction and agreeing to go.

Sparks had flown after the game, when Jordan had invited Jessie to join them out after. She had found herself seated beside Justin and they joked throughout a late dinner. She gave him her number and a relationship of sorts began. She liked just talking to him and that came easy to them. They went out together when they could each find the time in their schedules and enjoyed being around each other. They spent New Years Eve together and slept together for the first time. She didn’t expect it to also be the last time.

On January fourth, her dad suffered a stroke and responsibility for running the bar fell on Jessie. Her mom still handled the books but her dad had been the real glue holding it all together. Justin was on the road, away with the Barons and she couldn’t talk to him. Two days later, everything came crashing down around her.

The NHL lockout was over.

And Justin had played his last game as a Baron.



August 2013

“Justin Schultz!” Ryan Nugent-Hopkin’s girlfriend, Danni, shrieked as she hopped from her boyfriends truck and took off at a run for him across his parent’s front yard. She tackled him in a hug, falling into the grass with him, laughing. “I missed you, Schultzy!” Danni exclaimed.

Justin laughed as Ryan walked over, shaking his head at his girlfriend. “She’s been talking about coming to see you for weeks,” Ryan added. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she might like you better than me.”

“She does like me better than you,” Justin replied. “We’re trying to spare your feelings.” Danni laughed and kissed Justin’s cheek before getting to her feet and hugging Ryan tightly.

“I love you best, Nugie,” Danni said. “But you do have a great roommate.”

“When do you go back to Edmonton?” Justin asked as he led Ryan and Danni to the house.

“Next week,” Danni told him. “Gotta get my classroom ready.”

“You’re going back too?” he asked Ryan.

Ryan nodded. “Gonna stay at Danni’s until you get back and we move into our place.”

“Sucks we couldn’t get something in the same building though.”

“You live a block over; it’s not like its some great injustice,” Danni said.

“I can’t just show up at your place whenever I want though,” Justin replied.

Danni laughed loudly. “You and I both know that is a lie. You’ll show up whenever you want.”

“She’ll be at our place plenty,” Ryan spoke up. “So don’t show up at her place unannounced.”

“You know I’m crashing at her place when I get back to town.”

“No.”

“Why not? She lived with us for like three weeks. We’re already used to each other.”

“She has a one bedroom. Where are you going to sleep?”

Justin shrugged. “Bedroom, with you guys. Don’t we have that kind of relationship?”

Danni giggled as Ryan stared at Justin. “You can sleep on the couch, Schultzy.”

“The Nuge can sleep on the couch if he is not comfortable with this arrangement. I’m sleeping in a bed.”

“I’ll buy you an air mattress.”

"You are no fun," Justin complained.

“He’s shy,” Danni teased and Ryan blushed. “Plus I don’t think he’s ready to cross threesome off his bucket list.”

Ryan pulled Danni to him and kissed her possessively. “I will never cross that off my bucket list.”

Justin showed them to a room upstairs and caught Danni’s arm as she passed him. “I need to ask you a favor.”

“Ask away,” Danni replied.

“Will you and Nuge go to Oklahoma City with me, before the season starts?”

“Isn’t that a bit of an odd place to go on your summer vacation?”

“It’s complicated....”

“Complicated how?”

“What are you two talking about?” Ryan asked.

“Justin wants us to go with him to Oklahoma City.”

“Did you talk to her?” Ryan asked.

“Her?” Danni asked, her ears perking up. “There’s a girl in Oklahoma City? How come I’ve never heard about her before?”

“Because Schultzy messed it up and left and never said goodbye.”

“You didn’t say goodbye?! What is wrong with you?”

“Everything,” Justin admitted.

“We are so going to Oklahoma City. We can leave in the morning. Book flights.”



Jessie had the night off but yet here she was, in the bar. All she wanted was a night to herself, away from the bar. Since her dad’s stroke, her mom was caring for her dad and all responsibilities of running the bar fell to her and her life had been consumed by the bar.

There was a knock at the door and her best friend Elissa poked her head in the back office. “Jessie?”

“What’s up, girl?”

“There is a really cute guy in the bar asking for you.”

Jessie looked up from the pile of paperwork with a deer in the headlights look frozen on her face. Immediately her mind flashed to an image of Justin in her head. She hadn’t thought about him in months, had pushed him from her thoughts and tried to forget him. It had been easy with how much of her life the bar took up.

“Who?”

“Some guy....really cute. He’s with another guy and a girl.”

“Elissa, this is really important. What does he look like?”

“Tall, dark hair, nice smile, bushy eyebrows.”

“Fuck,” Jessie muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing. I just need to go out the back.”

“Why? Who is that guy?”

“He’s no one.”

“Bullshit. Spill it, Jessie.”

Jessie sighed. “You just described Justin.”

“The prick?!” Elissa exclaimed.

“Yeah, the prick,” Justin said from behind her. Elissa turned and Jessie looked over at him before sinking back into her chair. “Where’s your dad?” Justin asked.

“My dad had a stroke back in January. He can’t work any longer. I run the bar.”

“I’m so sorry, Jessie. When?”

“Two days before the lockout ended.”

He took a tentative step into the office. “Can we talk, please? I owe you an apology.”

“It’s too late for apologies, Justin,” Jessie said as she rose to her feet. “Come on, Elissa. Let’s get out of here.” She brushed past Justin and Elissa followed.

“Jessie, wait!” Justin called after her. He pushed through the crowded bar and followed Jessie out onto the sidewalk, Danni and Ryan close on his heels.

“This is not going to end well,” Ryan said softly to Danni.

“You think?” Danni replied. She gripped Ryan’s hand in hers and they followed as Justin grabbed Jessie’s arm, spinning her back to him.

“I’m sorry! I fucked up!” Justin shouted. “You have no idea how much I regretted the way I left things with you. That’s why I’m here, because I owe you an apology, I owe you an explanation. I’m sorry, Jessie.”

“You’re not sorry,” Jessie said, snatching her arm back from him. “If you were sorry, you would’ve called when you got the news the lockout was over. You would’ve tried to see me when you snuck into town and back out to get your things. But you didn’t.”

“In his defense, we seriously only had like ten minutes to get our things and catch a plane back to Edmonton. We wouldn’t let him see you,” Ryan spoke up.

Danni smacked her hand across his chest. “You guys did what?! Are you fucking mental? Fucking hell you are stupid boys!” She looked over at Jessie. “On behalf of these two morons, and for what I am sure also included Taylor and Jordan, I am sorry. I have been working to fix them since I met them. I’m Danni by the way.”

“Jessie. This is my best friend, Elissa.”

“Nice to meet you,” Danni smiled. “Look can we talk, me and you? Elissa too if she wants.” Jessie shrugged and Danni stepped around the two boys and led Jessie and Elissa around the corner.

“Look, I don’t know exactly what happened. All I know is that Justin left here without a goodbye and apparently he’s been thinking about you this summer because when Ryan and I went to visit him, he wanted us to come with him here. He wanted to make things right. You don’t have to accept his apology but you should hear him out. I’ve only known Justin for a few months but I know he always means well, even when he screws up. He’s become one of my best friends and I adore him.”

“Ryan is your boyfriend?”

She smiled with a dreamy look in her eye. “Yes, we’ve been dating since we met.”

“He had a different girlfriend when I met him.”

“They broke up.”

“Is he still the quiet one?”

Danni laughed. “He is but we’re working on it.”

“Look, you seem really nice but I don’t have anything to say to Justin. We slept together, he went on a road trip, he never came back.”

“These are details I did not know. I am going to kill these boys,” Danni muttered. “I’m sorry we wasted your time, Jessie. I’ll take the boys back to Edmonton in the morning.”

“Wait,” Jessie said as Danni turned to walk away. She let out a sigh and Elissa grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Tell Justin he can take me to lunch tomorrow and I’ll let him say his peace.”

Justin shifted nervously on his feet after ringing the doorbell at Jessie’s home the following afternoon. He wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his shorts and waited. His breath caught when Jessie pulled the door open, her hair braided over one shoulder, a simple tank top and a gauzy skirt to complete her look.

“You look beautiful, Jessie,” he said. “Wow...”

“Do you want me to drive?” Jessie asked, ignoring his compliment.

“I can follow you if you want.”

“That would be great actually, so I can make a quick getaway.”

“Jessie...”

“Save it, Justin. I’ll hear you out, but not before I have a strong drink in my hand.”

Justin sighed. “You pick the place, I’ll follow.”

Jessie drove to a bar and grill near the arena where they used to play. Justin remembered it as one they had gone to a few times. He followed Jessie through the parking lot, reaching the door first and holding it open for her.

“Two?” the hostess asked. Justin nodded and she led them through the restaurant to the table. Not a single other diner looked up or paid any attention to them. Justin had forgotten how nice that was, to go out without being recognized or asked for an autograph. He smiled as he sat.

“Why are you grinning like that?” Jessie asked.

“It’s nice that people don't know who I am,” he answered. “I forgot what it was like, and how much I liked it here.”

“Obviously not that much; you left without a goodbye.”

“And I regret that, Jessie. You have no idea how much.”

A waited appeared then and took their drink order, leaving Justin and Jessie to look over their menus in silence. When he returned with drinks, he took their orders and left, leaving Justin and Jessie staring at each other.

“Talk,” Jessie prompted him.

“I know you hate me,” Justin began.

“Is hate the strongest word you have?” Jessie interrupted. “I detest you. I despise you. We had what I thought was a really special night together and then you went on the road, which was fine, but then you left, without a word. You didn’t take my calls, then you disconnected your number....you left me high and dry, Justin.”

“I messed up, Jessie but I was scared. I was scared of what was happening between us. I didn’t think the lockout was going to end and that I’d be here all season and we’d have time to figure out what to do when the season was over and summer was upon us. When the lockout ended and I got the call to report to Edmonton, I freaked. And then everything got chaotic and I didn't need my US number anymore and I had it disconnected without thinking. It was my only connection to you and it was gone.”

“You knew where I worked. You could have called there.”

“And said what? I ruined what we had between us. And I am sorry for that. I wish it had been different. I wish I had seen you when I came back for my things, that I had fought the guys harder and told you myself that I was leaving. I am a fuck up, I know that. I don’t deserve anything from you but I never stopped thinking about you. That is true, truer than anything. You don’t have to believe that you meant something to me, but you did.”

“Why now then? What changed?”

“As dumb as it sounds, Ryan and Danni.”

“Your friend and his girlfriend? I don’t understand.”

“Danni met Ryan by chance, and talked to him on a whim. She found a job and an apartment and moved her life to Edmonton, on a chance. And I’ve never seen two happier, disgustingly cute people with each other. It made me rethink things in my own life and I realized that I want what Ryan and Danni have. I want someone to share my life with and I had that, with you. And when I thought about it, when I admitted to myself that I threw it all away and got sucked up into the life of being a rookie in the NHL, I realized my error. I realized that no one would ever be half as good as you are. So I made the decision to come back here before the season started, to apologize to you. I don’t expect you to take me back, or even let me a part of your life as a friend, but I had to try. Because I can’t get you off my mind and I am sorry for the way things happened between us and that they are all my fault. I asked Ryan and Danni to come with me because I couldn;t face you alone. I needed a cheerleader and I knew Danni would be that. She won’t talk to me right now instead but I deserve that too.”

“She was your cheerleader last night,” Jessie admitted. “Talked you up when we walked away from you and Ryan.”

“Well, when you told her more of the story, she got pissed at me. Ryan too.”

“I can’t go back, Justin. There’s too much on my plate here.”

“What happened to your dad?”

“He had a stroke, on the fourth of January.”

“And then the lockout....shit. I am so sorry, Jessie. I mean that. Your dad was great.”

“He can’t run the bar anymore so I do. Mom helped out in the beginning but caring for dad became a full time job so everything is on me.”

“What about your brother?”

“The family business has never been Ted’s thing.”

“He should share the responsibility with you.”

“That will never happen. Look, I appreciate your coming here, and apologizing and I accept your apology. It’s all water under the bridge now.”

“Can we maybe be friends?” Justin asked hopefully.

“I don’t think that’s in the cards for us,” Jessie replied with a sad smile.



November 2013

“Jessie, honey, time to wake up,” her mother nudged her gently. Jessie groaned and covered her head with a pillow. Her mother took a seat on the end of her bed. “Jessie, I’m worried about you.”

She sat up. “I’m fine, mom.”

“You’re not. You’re doing too much. You need a break.”

“I can't take a break. I have to run the bar.”

“Ted is going to take care of things for a week and help me find a good bar manager to run the place.”

“Mom, no. Our family has always ran the place.”

“And now its time for someone to help us. You can't do this anymore, Jessie. You need to go to Edmonton.”

“What?!” she screeched. “You can not be serious.”

“I am. He cares about you, love. And I can tell you care about him too. You need to go to him and tell him and see what life has planned for you, for both of you. You’ll be happy.”

“Mom, he left. He just left, without a word.”

“And he came back to apologize. It takes a real man to admit when he is wrong, and to come back and grovel. Jessie, you were happy. So happy. You haven’t smiled since he left. It’s time for you to smile again.” She passed an enevelope to her.
“What is this?” Jessie asked.

“A plane ticket and your passport. Your bag is packed downstairs and your brother will drop you off at the airport. You love him, Jessie. Let your walls down and take him back.”



Jessie stepped off the airplane with her bag, clutching her phone in her hand. She stepped outside, unprepared for the wave of cold that hit her. She wrapped herself tighter in her coat and pressed her fingers to the screen of her phone before lifting it to her ear.

“Hello?” Justin answered.

“Justin?”

“Jessie?”

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“When you came to Oklahoma, did you mean it? Do you still think about me?”

“Every day.”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes. I love you, Jessie. I was too dumb to realize it then but I do now.”

“Are you willing to give this everything you've got?”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“Me too.”

“Okay, good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah, good. Can you pick me up?”

“Pick you up? I don’t understand.”

“I’m in Edmonton, at the airport.”

“You're in Edmonton?” Justin repeated.

“Yeah.”

“Right now?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Seriously?”

Jessie laughed. “It is freezing cold here, Justin. Do you think you could hurry? I really need someone to warm me up.”

FIN