The Broken Ones
Need
''I love you so much Allyssa. There is no one else for me, you should know that by now. Why do you keep doubting me? Don't you have any fate in the words that I tell you? You're the only one I even think about, baby.''
Once you start lying and lying over and over again, you become so fed up in all of your lies that you start to believe them yourself. It's a weird thing to think about, but it's exactly how humans are. You can't simply want to live your life free of lies; you couldn't have the best of both worlds if you did that. You could only settle for second best, and who the fuck wants that?
You know that you shouldn't be lying to her, not after you promised her at the altar that she'll always be the only one for you. But how can you tell the woman you promised to love forever that she'll not the one that owns your heart? You simply can't now; you need to live with the consequences of you wanting everything.
You wanted them both so much, but one side there was her; the cutest and kindest human on earth, the one you've been dating for seven years, and that you just proposed to. And there was him on the other side, so strong and powerful, and so over himself, that you only knew for three months but that you still felt bonded to. You knew that you were the only guy he ever laid his eyes on and you took advantage of that fact until you destroyed every feeling he had ever had, until you made him feel like garbage by telling him that you only wanted to be his and then marrying her the next day.
You keep telling yourself that it was the best thing to do. She was getting more and more suspicious about the charge of work you had to take off, about why you were always out, and you knew that it would make everyone happy. Wasn't it still the best thing if you only broke someone's heart instead of everyone in your family's heart?
But what you didn't think about is how much it would break your heart and how much you would struggle to keep yourself from breaking down and begging him to be yours again.
You wouldn't do it, you couldn't allow yourself to. You made everyone in your family so proud of you. You got the second best thing in the end, and you know that now, you thought that it would fill you with joy as much as it fills Allyssa. But now you realize that only him inside of you fills you completely. It's like he was made to make you feel so loved that when you lost that love, you lost the feeling of just feeling loved, like you lost the memory of how good it feels to be loved. Like you won't ever feel like that again, and part of you knows that it's true, even if you won't ever be honest enough with yourself to admit it at least to yourself.
The thing is that you need him here, right beside you, hugging you, kissing you, making love to you. You don't even mind how, you just need him so close, so close that you can touch him, because now, the only think you can feel is the shattered pieces of your heart, and now his way too soft skin, and that’s all you need to feel the happiness of them all.
Don't you wish that you would have been a man? You made yourself believe that leaving him was making you a real man because it was to marry someone of the opposite sex, but now, so alone without him surrounding you, you realize that staying with him, no matter what others could say, and no matter how bad it would affect your family, that was what a real man would've done.
You know that you aren't being loyal and honest to Allyssa, but how can you be loyal to your second best when you can't even admit to yourself how much you love your first choice?
Once you start lying and lying over and over again, you become so fed up in all of your lies that you start to believe them yourself. It's a weird thing to think about, but it's exactly how humans are. You can't simply want to live your life free of lies; you couldn't have the best of both worlds if you did that. You could only settle for second best, and who the fuck wants that?
You know that you shouldn't be lying to her, not after you promised her at the altar that she'll always be the only one for you. But how can you tell the woman you promised to love forever that she'll not the one that owns your heart? You simply can't now; you need to live with the consequences of you wanting everything.
You wanted them both so much, but one side there was her; the cutest and kindest human on earth, the one you've been dating for seven years, and that you just proposed to. And there was him on the other side, so strong and powerful, and so over himself, that you only knew for three months but that you still felt bonded to. You knew that you were the only guy he ever laid his eyes on and you took advantage of that fact until you destroyed every feeling he had ever had, until you made him feel like garbage by telling him that you only wanted to be his and then marrying her the next day.
You keep telling yourself that it was the best thing to do. She was getting more and more suspicious about the charge of work you had to take off, about why you were always out, and you knew that it would make everyone happy. Wasn't it still the best thing if you only broke someone's heart instead of everyone in your family's heart?
But what you didn't think about is how much it would break your heart and how much you would struggle to keep yourself from breaking down and begging him to be yours again.
You wouldn't do it, you couldn't allow yourself to. You made everyone in your family so proud of you. You got the second best thing in the end, and you know that now, you thought that it would fill you with joy as much as it fills Allyssa. But now you realize that only him inside of you fills you completely. It's like he was made to make you feel so loved that when you lost that love, you lost the feeling of just feeling loved, like you lost the memory of how good it feels to be loved. Like you won't ever feel like that again, and part of you knows that it's true, even if you won't ever be honest enough with yourself to admit it at least to yourself.
The thing is that you need him here, right beside you, hugging you, kissing you, making love to you. You don't even mind how, you just need him so close, so close that you can touch him, because now, the only think you can feel is the shattered pieces of your heart, and now his way too soft skin, and that’s all you need to feel the happiness of them all.
Don't you wish that you would have been a man? You made yourself believe that leaving him was making you a real man because it was to marry someone of the opposite sex, but now, so alone without him surrounding you, you realize that staying with him, no matter what others could say, and no matter how bad it would affect your family, that was what a real man would've done.
You know that you aren't being loyal and honest to Allyssa, but how can you be loyal to your second best when you can't even admit to yourself how much you love your first choice?