Lost in You
Lost
The tears came back to my eyes as soon as the illusion that I was going to be alright left me. I saw the mess that was surrounding the room. The mess that didn't only hurt because I needed to clean all of it, but that was also destroying me because I know how it happened, but mostly, because I know why it happened.
I know that I should be stronger than I am, and that I don't have any right to cry. After all, it was my decision, my fault if this disaster happened. But I’m not crying because everything that had a value in my shitty apartment got smashed. I am crying because everything that had a value in my shitty apartment got smashed by the love of my life, after he learned that I was going to marry a woman to please my parents.
I destroyed everything myself.
It's more than my fault if he felt the need to destroy everything that mattered to me, but what he didn't know is that everything that mattered to me already was destroyed; our relationship, my only reason to breathe. It was gone, evaporated, and I know that it's my own fault. But I was so scared and so stupid and also way too selfish. I didn't think that it would hurt him. To me, he didn't love me. How could he? I am not like him, I am not perfect. I am a fucked up human who makes way too many mistakes, as you can see by the mess in my apartment today.
I can understand why he would want to smash every possession of mine. I know that even if it's hard to believe that he loves me, that I shattered his heart…not shattered, more like broke it in two.
I saw it in his face, as I was telling him, and the look he gave me, and all the pain that was flooding from his eyes. It was at that moment that I realized that he really did love me more than everything.
I still don't know why I never understood that before. Now that I realize it, he's never been in any way ashamed of me. He's always been the open one about his love for me. I’m the one that should be doubted about my love for him. I never did admit it to anyone else than him. He never cared. I know that he was as scared as me inside. He just really was in love with me, and I was just so selfish and stuck in my own world, that I didn't realize it before.
And now what do I have surrounding me? A broken TV, broken picture frames and drawers thrown, everything.
But the only thing I want beside me is his arms, and his kiss, and him whispering how much he loves me, and this time, I’ll truly believe him and I’ll never let him go.
I know that I should be stronger than I am, and that I don't have any right to cry. After all, it was my decision, my fault if this disaster happened. But I’m not crying because everything that had a value in my shitty apartment got smashed. I am crying because everything that had a value in my shitty apartment got smashed by the love of my life, after he learned that I was going to marry a woman to please my parents.
I destroyed everything myself.
It's more than my fault if he felt the need to destroy everything that mattered to me, but what he didn't know is that everything that mattered to me already was destroyed; our relationship, my only reason to breathe. It was gone, evaporated, and I know that it's my own fault. But I was so scared and so stupid and also way too selfish. I didn't think that it would hurt him. To me, he didn't love me. How could he? I am not like him, I am not perfect. I am a fucked up human who makes way too many mistakes, as you can see by the mess in my apartment today.
I can understand why he would want to smash every possession of mine. I know that even if it's hard to believe that he loves me, that I shattered his heart…not shattered, more like broke it in two.
I saw it in his face, as I was telling him, and the look he gave me, and all the pain that was flooding from his eyes. It was at that moment that I realized that he really did love me more than everything.
I still don't know why I never understood that before. Now that I realize it, he's never been in any way ashamed of me. He's always been the open one about his love for me. I’m the one that should be doubted about my love for him. I never did admit it to anyone else than him. He never cared. I know that he was as scared as me inside. He just really was in love with me, and I was just so selfish and stuck in my own world, that I didn't realize it before.
And now what do I have surrounding me? A broken TV, broken picture frames and drawers thrown, everything.
But the only thing I want beside me is his arms, and his kiss, and him whispering how much he loves me, and this time, I’ll truly believe him and I’ll never let him go.