Sincerely Yours
Feeling Lonely
You watch him play with her hair, kiss her temples like she's desired, look at her like she's the most beautiful thing on earth, kiss her like a madman in need of his power to live an happy life, and simply embrace her like she's the most precious diamond in the entire world.
And you can't help but feel like your heart got torn out of your chest and like you are about to die at each of those realizations. You never took your time to really acknowledge what those gestures really meant. You always thought that he only did that because it's what couples do when they are in public, they try to show how much they love each other. So much, that sometimes it's only to show how much everyone else is lonely but that they don't mind because they have found their special person, the one that they want to be with forever.
It's that fact that kills you, the fact that Zacky found the perfect girl to show all of those things to in public. You know that he can't that do with you. It would be way too risky and you two probably wouldn't be the perfect match. You can see how good he is with her, and it's tearing your heart apart. Arin, don't even try to deny it to your own self. I can hear you cry at night. Even if you try to cover it the most that you can, I can see you break down and wanting cry for help, but you never do, because you know that it would be worse if he was the one that heard you. You guys all share the same bunk and you really can't risk the fact that he hears you, and come to tell you all of those lies that you know by heart by now, and that you can't stop yourself from believing anyway.
The thing is that you know that he loves you, but you also know that he'll never love you as much as you love him. But the most important fact is that you know that he'll never love you like he loves her.
You can't even count the number of times that you wished that you were her. In all the situations possible, you want to be the one that deserves his kisses, the one that is beautiful enough to be hold by him, the one that he loves enough to thrust into night after night, the one that he cherish enough to show off to his parents. But most importantly, you just want to be the one that is lucky enough to hear his I love you's.
That’s all you ever wished for.
To fall in love with someone that would love you back forever.
You never realized before meeting him that it was possible for two people to be truly, madly, deeply in love with each other, but still not able to be together. You always thought that if you ever fell in love with someone as much as you love Zacky, you would do everything to keep them close. But it's harder to do when the person that shares your feelings doesn't want to do everything to be with you. He told you millions of times that he rather settle for her, and not be truly happy but still have a career and a family, than choosing you, a poor guy that could only bring him pain and shame from his fans and family.
You still can't help yourself but wish that you were the one that he cares about so much in public, or in private for any means. You just want him to care about you as much as you care about him.
But you can't force him to want you, and you can't talk to anyone about your misery because that would be admitting that he is gay too, that he loves you, and told you way more than once that you are the one he wants, and you can't do that to him, he would never forget you. You can forget any chance to ever have a part of him, even if it's the one he hides from the world, to yourself, and you can't allow yourself to risk that.
You just can't understand why he doesn't want to be with you in the privacy of your bed. You know that if you two are careful enough, nobody would ever know and he could still be with her in public, and she could still be the one that makes him shine with happiness. You just wish that you could have some happiness with him too. You know that it's not selfish to ask, to be happy with the person that you love when they love you back. But no, he settled it his pretty little head that he can't have both, he can't have the one he truly loves and the popularity. He would rather be popular than loved. You just can't understand that.
But if only his choice hurt only him, that would still be less worse. But no, his choice hurts you too, more than you'll ever admit. They shatter your heart in pieces each time that you allow yourself to think about how lonely you are and how much you would give just to be able to hold him close to you and feel his sweet embrace all around you. You just want to be able to depend on him and to be able to love him fully without any fear or prejudices.
But now you know that you can't have that, and you probably never will be able to have it. It's killing you inside. You had never felt so shattered and so lonely inside. You would give up your career and life to be able to hold him during at least one minute.
You see him whispering something in her ear and you just know that he is telling her how much he loves her.
This is too much for you, you know that you can't take this anymore or you'll completely break down.
You did everything in your power to be happy, to get him, but some people are just not meant to be together, no matter how right they feel curled in other's arms and no matter how much their heart ache for the other person to take care of them.
You do what you think is the best for him. You only want him to be happy. You always only wanted that for him, and it's seeing them today that brought you to the realization that he loves her so much more than he loves you. And if it's how he feels and that he needs her to be fully happy, then you can't change anything. That’s all you've always wanted for him after all. You can feel your blade cutting more and more the tissues surrounding your heart, the heart that will always be his, and you know that it's all over. Your pain is finally over and never coming back to haunt people, just like you.
What you'll never know is that Zacky is the best actor in the entire world and that he'll never be fully happy without you, the one he truly loves right by his side.
And you can't help but feel like your heart got torn out of your chest and like you are about to die at each of those realizations. You never took your time to really acknowledge what those gestures really meant. You always thought that he only did that because it's what couples do when they are in public, they try to show how much they love each other. So much, that sometimes it's only to show how much everyone else is lonely but that they don't mind because they have found their special person, the one that they want to be with forever.
It's that fact that kills you, the fact that Zacky found the perfect girl to show all of those things to in public. You know that he can't that do with you. It would be way too risky and you two probably wouldn't be the perfect match. You can see how good he is with her, and it's tearing your heart apart. Arin, don't even try to deny it to your own self. I can hear you cry at night. Even if you try to cover it the most that you can, I can see you break down and wanting cry for help, but you never do, because you know that it would be worse if he was the one that heard you. You guys all share the same bunk and you really can't risk the fact that he hears you, and come to tell you all of those lies that you know by heart by now, and that you can't stop yourself from believing anyway.
The thing is that you know that he loves you, but you also know that he'll never love you as much as you love him. But the most important fact is that you know that he'll never love you like he loves her.
You can't even count the number of times that you wished that you were her. In all the situations possible, you want to be the one that deserves his kisses, the one that is beautiful enough to be hold by him, the one that he loves enough to thrust into night after night, the one that he cherish enough to show off to his parents. But most importantly, you just want to be the one that is lucky enough to hear his I love you's.
That’s all you ever wished for.
To fall in love with someone that would love you back forever.
You never realized before meeting him that it was possible for two people to be truly, madly, deeply in love with each other, but still not able to be together. You always thought that if you ever fell in love with someone as much as you love Zacky, you would do everything to keep them close. But it's harder to do when the person that shares your feelings doesn't want to do everything to be with you. He told you millions of times that he rather settle for her, and not be truly happy but still have a career and a family, than choosing you, a poor guy that could only bring him pain and shame from his fans and family.
You still can't help yourself but wish that you were the one that he cares about so much in public, or in private for any means. You just want him to care about you as much as you care about him.
But you can't force him to want you, and you can't talk to anyone about your misery because that would be admitting that he is gay too, that he loves you, and told you way more than once that you are the one he wants, and you can't do that to him, he would never forget you. You can forget any chance to ever have a part of him, even if it's the one he hides from the world, to yourself, and you can't allow yourself to risk that.
You just can't understand why he doesn't want to be with you in the privacy of your bed. You know that if you two are careful enough, nobody would ever know and he could still be with her in public, and she could still be the one that makes him shine with happiness. You just wish that you could have some happiness with him too. You know that it's not selfish to ask, to be happy with the person that you love when they love you back. But no, he settled it his pretty little head that he can't have both, he can't have the one he truly loves and the popularity. He would rather be popular than loved. You just can't understand that.
But if only his choice hurt only him, that would still be less worse. But no, his choice hurts you too, more than you'll ever admit. They shatter your heart in pieces each time that you allow yourself to think about how lonely you are and how much you would give just to be able to hold him close to you and feel his sweet embrace all around you. You just want to be able to depend on him and to be able to love him fully without any fear or prejudices.
But now you know that you can't have that, and you probably never will be able to have it. It's killing you inside. You had never felt so shattered and so lonely inside. You would give up your career and life to be able to hold him during at least one minute.
You see him whispering something in her ear and you just know that he is telling her how much he loves her.
This is too much for you, you know that you can't take this anymore or you'll completely break down.
You did everything in your power to be happy, to get him, but some people are just not meant to be together, no matter how right they feel curled in other's arms and no matter how much their heart ache for the other person to take care of them.
You do what you think is the best for him. You only want him to be happy. You always only wanted that for him, and it's seeing them today that brought you to the realization that he loves her so much more than he loves you. And if it's how he feels and that he needs her to be fully happy, then you can't change anything. That’s all you've always wanted for him after all. You can feel your blade cutting more and more the tissues surrounding your heart, the heart that will always be his, and you know that it's all over. Your pain is finally over and never coming back to haunt people, just like you.
What you'll never know is that Zacky is the best actor in the entire world and that he'll never be fully happy without you, the one he truly loves right by his side.