We're Young and in Love

One More Moment of This Silence.

Josh p.o.v

“I miss you at work Josh, please come back.” Tom says dragging his arm around my neck, ruffling up my hair.
“I can’t I’m afraid, I’m a full time daddy now.” I say pulling his arm away from my neck and fixing my hair back up.
“I know I just miss working with my partner in crime that’s all.” He pouts causing me to laugh.

Me and Tom have grown pretty close over the last few years, not only because he’s the only family Oli has, and my mum and dad also let him live with them in their house and they treat him like he’s their son. But ever since the shop opened we were always together working on the shop floor or working on some project together or even causing a little mayhem, even some of our work colleagues have commented on us being partners in crime. He’s one of my best friends, he’s like the little brother I’ve always wanted and I guess me and Oli do treat him like our little brother because I guess we’re the only three boys in the family and Tom’s the youngest, so it only seems fitting.

I decided to pop by the shop today just to say hi, being a full time parent is a lot of hard work and a little stressful at times too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter to pieces and I wouldn’t change being a parent for the world, it’s an amazing feeling, is just at times I do get a bit lonely…
I mean, everyone has their own lives and all of my friends work or they have other stuff going on and I’m pretty much the only one with a kid which makes it a little hard to get involved sometimes, which leaves me being on my own a lot of the time.

I don’t work at the shop no more, and I do miss being around people and socializing a lot, especially when it was something which used to be a daily routine for me. Being around people everyday to suddenly being on your own with a baby is a very big change.

I know it was my decision to become a full time parent and I do spend every moment with my daughter, its just abit tough when Oli is constantly working and Vic isn’t always around as much as I like either… Sometimes I can’t help but feel like a single parent.
I know there could be a solution to it all, such as day care but there is no way Hannah is going to that. She’s too young and too shy and I certainly don’t like the idea of another stranger taking care of my little girl when I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself. That wasn’t even an option and I’m sure my husband would agree with me too.

Even though I no longer work at Drop Dead, I have agreed to work at least once every so often when the shop really needs me and Hannah will come along with me of course, which is never a problem because everyone at work absolute adores her and she’s never any trouble.

“So how did your date go last week?” I say to Tom as his phone lights up from a text revealing the name of the girl he took on a date last week.
“Great, I’m taking her out again tomorrow actually.” He grins, picking up his phone and reading the text.
“Really, where are you taking her this time?”
“I have no idea, I thought you could help me again.” He laughs nervously putting down his phone.
“Oh Tom you are hopeless.” I laugh, he was probably hoping for me to suggest some ideas where to take his date just like I planned his last one. He was actually hopeless when it came to arranging dates.

I hear the back door open making me turn my head to look behind me and see Oli had entered the shop floor, looking slightly annoyed as his eyes land on the both me and Tom. He begins walking over and by the expression on his face I had a feeling he wasn’t coming over to say hi.

“Tom where are those files I told you to email me half an hour ago?” he snaps, not bothering to glance over at me even though I’m sitting right next to Tom.
“Oh, sorry I forgot.” Tom mumbles, fumbling around with things on the computer screen, probably feeling awkward getting told off by his brother in front of me, but then again, Oli is his boss.
“I need them now Tom.” He snaps again.

Oh wow, he’s still in that foul mood. I was hoping he would have lighten up by now but obviously not. Not that I would know anyway, he was in a mood all last night which we never bothered discussing because I thought it was best to let him calm down and come to me when he was ready to talk but he never did. Oli didn’t come to bed until I was already asleep and he woke up and left early this morning before I even woke up, leaving me to deal with a crying teething Hannah on my own. It’s actually been like that for awhile now, waking up alone… he’s either already left for work or he’s sitting downstairs in the living room with Hannah and Oskar not bothering to give me the time of day.

I mean, whenever I tried to join him on the sofa with Hannah, he just gets up and leaves me there alone or he heads out to work or takes Oskar for a walk… nothing which involves any family time together, he’s turned rather cold on me lately and I don’t understand why. It’s as if he’s not even bothered anymore and to be honest, Vic seems to be more involved than Oli is these days and that’s concerning.

I miss waking up in his arms or watching him peacefully sleep beside me when I occasionally wake up before him or catching him sing our daughter to sleep or the times we would fuss over who’s turn it was to cuddle Hannah or even when he would laugh at my really bad jokes. I miss him and all the little things we used to do together.

I was still seated beside Tom not saying a single word to anyone as I continued pretending as if Oli wasn’t there, just like he was doing to me.

“What are you doing here?” he says coldly, finally acknowledging my existence. No hello, no how are you, no kiss. Just, what are you doing here? That’s our relationship right now.

“I just popped in to say hi.” I say timidly, not really wanting to say anything else incase I made his mood worse but it seemed like I did anyway.
“Where’s Hannah?” he demands sounding really irritated, after looking over the push chair beside me and realising Hannah wasn’t sitting in it.
“Mum took her into the staff room to show her off to everyone.”
He doesn’t say anything about it, only frowns because he knows full well that mum loves making such a big fuss over Hannah especially when I bring her to the shop.
“Well if your going be here make yourself useful and do something, don’t distract my brother from his work.”

My mouth drops open and my eyes widen in disbelief at his rude attitude towards me. How fucking dare he speak to me like that, especially in front of Tom. He saw the look on my face and he knew damn well I was going to answer back, but before I could he turns back to Tom who was gawking at us, telling him off once again.

“And you. stop slacking and send me those files now.”
“Bro.” Tom warns, obviously shocked to see his brother speak to us both like this, but Oli doesn’t takes any notice of him and scolds him again.
“Don’t make me tell you again Tom. I want them now!”
Oli yells, before storming off towards the back door going back up to his office, leaving both Tom and I in shock from his sudden outburst.

“What the fuck was that?” Tom says, turning around so he was facing me, demanding an explanation assuming I would know why he was behaving like this.
“What was what?” I say, pretending like nothing was wrong, I really didn’t want to go into all this right now, I came to the shop to get away from the problems happening between me and my husband not to discuss them. But Tom only scoffs, not buying my act.
“Don’t give me that shit Josh, tell me what’s going on.”

I lean forward in my seat and sigh heavily to myself. I was hoping that Tom wouldn’t notice our behaviour towards each other but who am I kidding, Tom knows us just too damn well to know when something isn’t right between us. Oli and I haven’t exactly been getting along lately; in fact we’ve been really distance.
I can’t remember the last time we actually had a civil conversation with each other or spent any time together as a family or as a couple for that matter, we barely speak or communicate at all anymore. And that’s not even mentioning about the no sex, I can’t even remember the last time we did anything sexual and I guess that’s just adding to all the frustration even more.

“We’ve been a little distance lately.” I begin, looking down at my hands in my lap.
“A little distant? He basically ignored you and then had ago at you for being here and then took it out on me!” Tom complains, reminding me again of my husband’s awful behaviour.
“He’s been a grouchy fuck for god knows how many days now, what’s up with you guys?”
“Nothing, we’re fine. He’s just tired.” I lied, hoping Tom would just drop the subject already.
“Tired? Josh I will go ask Oliver myself right now if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”
“Alright fine, I’ll tell you!” I yell, getting frustrated with him constantly nagging me. I look around the shop and see that my old work colleagues were thankfully minding their own business and didn’t seem to notice my little out burst.
I look back up at Tom who just raise’s his eyebrows at me, waiting for me to explain myself, so I give in.

“We haven’t been getting along lately… we’ve actually been kinda avoiding each other.” I sigh looking away from Tom, feeling slightly ashamed admitting the truth to him.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug.
“I bet I know why.” He says, causing me to glance back up at him in curiosity, wanting to know his answer.
“Let me guess. Vic?”
“He’s done nothing but be there for us!” I say raising my voice slightly, I couldn’t help but get annoyed at everyone pointing the finger at Vic all the time. He hasn’t done anything wrong so I don’t see how he’s to blame for Oli’s mood swings.

Tom smirks, shaking his head in amusement which only makes me feel more annoyed at him for pointing the finger.
“Look how quick you are to defend him.” he comments. An answer I wasn’t expecting from him because now I didn’t really know what to say back without doing exactly that. Defending him instantly whenever someone mentions him in a bad light, I couldn’t help it though, I’ve become so used to it over the years.

“Josh, Oliver is your husband, he’s the one you should be putting first not Vic.” He places his hand on my shoulder, some gesture to let me know he meant well by what he was getting at.
I opened my mouth to say something but soon closed it when Tom’s words started to settle in my mind.

Oli was barely at home these days and when he was, I felt awkward being around him because I never knew what to say to him anymore. His mood swings were becoming a regular thing and I’ve become a little afraid to question him about them like I used too… ever since we promised not to argue in front of Hannah, I never wanted to break that promise. So now, whenever me and Oli aren’t getting along or I sense an argument arising I would go to Vic’s whenever I could, taking Hannah along with me most of the time, rarely did I leave her with Oli.

It all really depended on how I felt about his mood, not because I didn’t trust him, I knew Oli loved her to pieces and I knew he wouldn’t hurt her in shape or form, just simply because we both agreed not to have her around any negativity and that’s what it seems to be at the moment between us, hence why I take her away from it.

“I know Vic is your best friend, and I understand that you want him to be involved in Hannah’s life, but have you actually considered how Oliver might feel about all this?”
“He doesn’t seem to mind…” I say, feeling rather guilty now Tom has mentioned it. Oli was always in a mood, I didn’t stop to think maybe it was because I was always hanging out with Vic or that Vic was constantly around Hannah. Honestly, I thought it was because he didn’t want to be part of a family anymore and I didn’t want to face that fear incase it was true, so I’ve been avoiding him.

“I know Oliver hasn’t said anything to you, it’s not like him to because I know he doesn’t want to upset you. But hell, he’s kept it to himself this whole time no wonder he’s taking out he’s mood on everyone else, he’s frustrated Josh.”
Everything Tom was saying actually began to make perfect sense, how could I not see this before? Fuck, I’ve been so stupid.

“Has he said anything to you?”
“Josh, it’s not really my place to say but you should really talk to him. You know how he feels about Vic no matter how much he tries to act like he’s okay with it, we both know it bothers him.”
I just sat there burning holes into the desk in front of me with my continuous stare, taking in everything Tom was saying. I felt horrible now, I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it myself, I know well enough that Oli doesn’t like Vic but lately I thought everything was alright. He seemed okay with Vic becoming Hannah’s God Father, yeah he wasn’t thrilled with the idea at first and we did argue over it but we moved on from there, he was okay with Vic being around… wasn’t he?

“Perhaps Oliver’s only being distant because he’s probably feeling pushed out and doesn’t know how to talk to you about it without it turning into some sort of argument.”

I couldn’t help but feel myself begin to panic as I looked back at Tom with a worried eyes. To come to think of it, Oli has gone back to being his old quiet self again and that scared me most of all because I was terrified of him falling back into old habits. I mean, I’ve been so annoyed with him lately, that I’ve only picked up on all the bad things which has been happening such as, him being at work all the time or the little snappy comments he’d say towards me or him not coming up to bed with me or not spending enough time with Hannah… I’ve been so blinded by all that I didn’t clock on to the constant silent treatment and him cutting himself off from me. I knew this was bad… very bad. I was going to lose him if I kept this up.

Fuck, I didn’t want to push my husband away, I didn’t want him to fall back into old habits and think that I didn’t care about him or think he wasn’t a good enough father to our little girl because even though we haven’t spoken, I knew this was exactly what Oli would be thinking and I couldn’t bare the thought of it. I love him and lately I’ve done nothing to show him that I do.

“Tom.” I say panicking as I shot up from my seat; he gaze at me with understanding eyes, he already knew what I was thinking.
“Hey it’s okay, just go talk it through with him and I’m sure everything will be alright.” I nodded back at him and headed to the back door which led up to Oli’s office.

~~~

When I reached Oli’s office, I took a deep breath before knocking on the door but was disappointed when I was met with a harsh “I’m busy” through the other side of the door. Simply a hint to whoever was bothering him to go away, but little did he know it was me and I didn’t give a shit if he didn’t want to see me or not, right now I was determine to sort things out between us, it couldn’t continue like this.
I pushed down the door handle and stepped into his office despite his objections, finding him sat at his desk with his eyes glued to his computer screen.

“I said I’m busy.” He hisses, not even bothering to glance up to see who had entered the room. His arrogance only irritated me and the troubles which were flooding my mind only seconds ago had quickly vanished and my argumentative sassy self was back again.
“Tough.” I snap, fed up with his shitty attitude.
“What do you want Josh?” he demands, recognising my voice as his eyes remained glued to the screen.
“Well first, I want you to stop being a grumpy prick.”
He just glares at me for a couple of seconds before looking back at the computer screen again and that just infuriates me even more. He doesn’t even intend on trying to sort out this mess, he rather be in this mood and take it out on everyone around him for god knows how long and to continue to ignore me and stare at that god for saken computer screen! Well, not anymore, enough is enough.

I made my way over to across the room and somehow manage to wedge myself in between the desk and his chair, blocking his sight from the computer screen and standing only inches in front of him so he had no choice but to look up at me.

“Josh I’m really not in the mood for your shit, just move out of the way.” He hisses.
“Just stop it will you! I’m not moving until we sort this out!” I yell, refusing to back down until we discuss what’s going on. I hated seeing our relationship like this, I mean we’re adults and we’re acting like little children.

He sits back in his big leather chair in a huff, resting his elbow on the right arm of the chair as he starts biting the nail on his thumb, refusing to say anything or even look at me. I knew I had my work cut out for me, talking to my husband when hes’ in a bad moon and giving me the silent treatment is almost impossible, I have better luck getting blood out of a stone to be honest. But I had to try.

“How about we get out of here, go get a coffee and talk?” I say in a much calmer tone than before.
“Why don’t you ask Vic to go with you? I’m sure you’d prefer his company more than mine.” He snaps, glaring at me like I’m something disgusting. My eyes widen at his comment, I’m actually surprise he even responded to me, even if it was hurtful and not true.
Tom was right, he really was angry with me about spending so much time with Vic instead of spending time with him. I’ve really messed up but I knew I had to keep trying.

“Oli come on don’t be like that, I’m trying to fix this.”
“I’m not being like anything, you’re the one who doesn’t want me to be apart of anything anymore.” He states, making my heart sink hearing his words.
“No, that’s not true!” I yell, defending myself. Because that wasn’t true, I didn’t mean for all this to happen intentionally.
“Whatever Josh, I’m done with this conversation. I need to get back to work now.” He says waving me off with his hand in order for me to move out of his way so he could get back to the computer. But I wasn’t finished with him yet, I wasn’t leaving until things were back on track with us or somewhat heading in that direction anyway, so I remained stood in my spot.

He moved his chair closer towards me, muffling a low growl in his throat when he realised I wasn’t going to budge.
He then places his hands on my hips, tightening his grip around me which causes me to gasp a little in shock and pain. Confused and hurt at my husband’s sudden actions, my eyes instantly look down at him to see if he knew what he was doing to me but when I did, I was met with a horrid glare and a look in his eyes which I’ve never seen before.

“Move. Before I move you myself.” He warns.
I gasp in complete shock.
Never. And I mean never has Oli ever threatened me before…
Oli and violence are just two things which don’t go together, he would never hurt a fly, let alone hurt me. So in order for him to actually threaten me like this, meant that he must be extremely hurt with everything going on. He would never actually physically hurt me though…would he? No I don’t believe he ever would. What happened to my innocent fragile loving husband? Am I really to blame for all this?

All thoughts aside, I could see talking wasn’t getting me anywhere, and I had to think of something quick incase he actually did move me out of the way. I was left with plan B which was basically seducing him. It was most probably the wrong option for me to choose at this precise moment, but I literally had no other choice and to be honest, my seducing charms never failed.

Ignoring the horrid situation I was literally standing in, I walk out of my husband’s tight grip and sit in his lap and curl myself into him. I nuzzle my face into his neck and place a soft gentle kiss in the crook and started drawing little patterns in his chest with my finger.
I feel his body tense from my contact, refusing to touch me or show any form of affection towards me… which is a first because I always manage to get him to give in to me one way or another. This was strange, why wasn’t he responding to me?

“Josh.” He moans, pulling his neck away from my lips.
“Let me make it up to you baby.” I say in a seductive tone, moving closer to continue kissing his neck again. I only needed a minute or two to carry on leaving little kisses along his neck and I knew with out a doubt that he would give in.

“Josh stop. It’s going to take a lot more than kisses and cuddles to make up for all the shit you’ve made me feel recently.”
“Oli.” I frown, as he untangles me from him and shifts in his seat so I’m basically sitting on the edge of his lap.
“I’m serious Josh, you’ve made me feel like utter shit these last few weeks, I’ve haven’t felt so shut out by my own family in years. All you want to do is be with Vic and the rest of your friends. It’s like you don’t care what I think or how I feel anymore… whenever I mention about wanting to spend time with you and Hannah, it’s like you don’t care.”

“Oli you’re always working, it’s like you never have time for us anymore or you don’t really wanna be around us, so I ask Vic instead.” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that because by the expression on his face made me believe I was going to regret it.

“I don’t ever hear you complaining about living in our expensive modern flat, or being driven around in an Audi everyday or having no limit on your credit card.”
“You make me sound like a spoilt brat.”
“You are.” He says bluntly.
“How can you say that?” I say, feeling rather hurt by his comment and not wanting to be sitting in his lap anymore. I started to feel myself get uncomfortable with him.

“Because it’s the truth Josh, you’ve been spoilt your whole life by your parents and now by me. You’ve never had anything to worry about because everything’s been handed to you on a silver platter. And whenever you don’t get your own way you scream and cry like a big baby. You have no clue what its like to have completely nothing and struggle through life.”

“You don’t think I worry? Since the day I met you my life has been nothing but worry!” I yell feeling really insulted. Is he kidding me right now? How can he say I don’t worry, I’ve never stopped worrying and as for being a “spoilt brat” well, it’s not my fault that I’ve had an fortunate up bringing. My parents had money and were able to give me everything I wanted whilst growing up, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

Okay I admit the shop has had a lot of success and has brought in a lot of money for us, enough for us to enjoy our life happy and money worry free and maybe sometimes we do tend to spoil ourselves with our money. But why shouldn’t we? It is our money; we’ve worked hard for it. Well mostly Oli has worked hard for it and I’m grateful, I’m so proud of him and everything he’s achieved over the last five years, its just I get a little annoyed sometimes that he’d prefers to be at the shop working than to be at home with his family, which should be his main priority.

“So you’re basically saying that it’s all my fault.”
“I never said that. Oli stop it, I don’t want to go into this!” I stomp my foot of the floor in frustration. I wasn’t about to let him start twisting my words.
“You started it.”
“Please, I just want to sort this out. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, I want my husband back, please Oli.”
“You’ve had me the whole time Josh, you’re the one who pushed me a side and forgot about me.”
“I didn’t forget about you, you leave me on my own every day to be in this bloody place!” I drag a hand down my face, feeling myself get worked up again. We keep going round in circles over and over with this damn problem which isn’t getting sorted.
“I work to keep a roof over our heads and to make sure you and Hannah will never have to worry about money, ever. I’ve just been working a lot more lately because I feel unwanted in my own home…” he whispers the end of his sentence, his voice breaking.

And that is when I feel my heart shatter into pieces because that’s the one thing I never wanted my husband to feel again, not ever. Since the day I found out about his personal life, the abuse, the abandonment, the suicide attempts, I promised him that I would never make him feel unwanted. I promised him that I would love him forever, care for him like he deserves, and bring joy and laughter to that sad sorry soul of his.

Still sitting in his lap I look up to meet his gaze, but he was already hanging his head, his short curls hiding his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at me. He sat in silence as I studied his mood, a mood I know too well, he looked so miserable and heartbroken and knowing that I was to blame for this brought tears to my eyes.

“Baby no, I never wanted to make you feel like that, I’m so sorry.” And that was enough for the tears to roll down my face. I’ve hurt him so bad.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel like that, that’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted you know that, I’m sorry. I know I’m always with Vic and I’m sorry for making you feel unwanted but I love you baby, I love you so much.” I sob. I was actually full on crying at this point, but I bury my face deep into the crook of his neck as I cling on tight to him. And for the first time which felt like weeks, I feel him wrap his arms around me and kiss the top of my head but he still continued to stay silent.

I didn’t realise I made him feel like this, I love him so much I can’t bare the thought of hurting him like this. I’ve been spending so much time with Vic and the others lately, I thought at first he didn’t mind and when he didn’t mention anything about it I thought nothing was wrong. But then we became more distant and the arguments started and I thought he just didn’t want to be apart of a family anymore and wasn’t bothered… but I got it all wrong. I’ve made him feel unwanted when I know that’s all he felt when he was a child and as his husband I’m suppose to do the opposite. I’ve been so worried that he didn’t want to spend time with Hannah and I was because he didn’t really want us, I’ve been pushing him out without realising.

When I finally managed to stop crying and calm myself down a little, I pull my face away from Oli and wipe away the tears with the back of my hands. We carry on sitting in silence for a couple of minutes, Oli’s arms still placed around my waist. I take a deep shaky breath before speaking again.

“Can we please just go home and spend the rest of the day together?”
“I’m busy.” He whispers.
I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip as I try to keep myself from falling apart again. Why is he still avoiding me? I’m trying as hard as I can to fix this.
“Oli please. How am I supposed to fix this if you won’t spend any time with me?” I say, resting my forehead against his waiting for him to answer me.
He sighs deeply before answering.
“Okay fine.”

~~~

“Dada.” Hannah mumbles breaking the silence in the car.

I turn round in my seat and see Hannah stretching out her little arm to me with a baby rusk in her hand. She was teething, and these biscuits were a god send for babies to chew on instead of putting everything else they can get their hands on in their mouths.

“You’ve had enough sweetheart?” I say, taking the biscuit from her hand not really waiting for her to answer. She could only say a couple of words, not very many. We were currently in the car, making our way back home so we could finally spend some family time together which was definitely needed.

“Why is there so much traffic?” Oli moans, speaking for the first time since we got in the car.
“Just go the other way, looks like there’s a lot of road works going on.”
“But that’s even longer.”
“Well it will get us home a lot faster than this way.”

And without saying another word, Oli turns the car around and drives the long way home. It’s been awhile since we’ve both gone this way, passing by familiar streets which we both knew as home at one point in our lives, so much has changed since then. Oli turns down a road and I couldn’t help but break into a smile when I saw it in the distance.

“Oli hang on, pull over here.”
“Why?” he says, glancing at me before looking back at the road ahead.
“We’re going past the playground, let’s take Hannah.”
“Josh, I don’t partially want to ever go back there.”
“Oh come on, lets just go for old times sake, it will be fun I’m bet Hannah will love it.” I say trying to sound all excited to try to loosen him up.
“I’d rather take her to another playground.”
“Just pull over.” I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

I climb out of the car and open the back door to un strap Hannah from her baby seat and pull her out. I place her on my hip and begin walking over to the playground, Oli trailing not far behind.

“It hasn’t changed at all.” I smile, turning around to Oli who only replies with a blunt “Hmm” which I simply roll my eyes at and open the gate to the playground.
I sit on one of the swings with Hannah sat on my lap and slowly start to swing backwards and forth.

“Look at dada O Hannah.” I say, pointing to Oli who was standing in front of us. He looks slightly awkward standing there, but as soon as Hannah looks up at him she lets out a little high pitch giggle causing Oli to break into a breath taking smile and laugh.
“Do you like the swing Pipsqueak?” he coos at her, who just replies with another giggle. Oli seems to be slowly easing up being here which is a good thing because hopefully all the awkwardness between us will soon disappear.

Every time I swung forward on the swing I would say “wee” trying to let Hannah know that the movement of the swing was fun. Taking me by complete surprise, she squeals out the word “wee” as I’ve constantly been repeating it in her ear, causing me and Oli to both look up at each other in shock and laughter.
Our beautiful little girl is so adorable and clever, I knew she would enjoy the playground.

Bored of the swing I get up and carry Hannah over to the tunnel and slide. I place her on top of the steps to wait for me as I climb up on to the children’s apparatus with her.

“There is no way in hell your going to fit through that tunnel now, we barely got through it when were teenagers!” Oli says causing me to laugh and I turn around when I get to the top and stick my tongue out at him in a childish humour which he just shakes his head at me in return.
Hannah clearly got impatient waiting for me and started crawling in through the tunnel without me. Only when I got down on my hands and knees did I realise that it was going to be a struggle for me to fit through the damn thing, like Oli said in the first place.
“Hannah baby, come crawl back to daddy.”
I call out to her but instead of listening to me she decides to carry on crawling through, right to the other end which led to the slide. I suddenly panic incase she continued crawling and thought she might fall down the slide and hurt herself, so I quickly and forcefully climb inside the tunnel after her, grabbing a hold of one of her legs and pulling her back towards me.
“Don’t crawl away from daddy you little rascal.” She lets out a loud squeal which echo’s through the tunnel, as I pull her into my arms.

I place her back in my lap but she fidgets a lot as we’re both sat in an uncomfortable position because I was way too big to be sitting in here. As I start to crawl out, something catches my eye on the wall of the tunnel and my heart flutters at the forgotten memory.

“Oli you need to come see this!” I shout out to him through the tunnel. He had to see this, I totally forgot it was here.
“What?”
“You have to come in to see it.”
“To see what? Josh, there’s no way I’m going to fit in there, especially with you in there as well.” He protests, kneeling at the entrance of the tunnel, curious to know what I’m so eager for him to see.
“Just get your butt in here!” I say, grabbing onto his jacket and pulling him into the tunnel with us.
Only half his body got in through the tunnel but at least I got him near enough to see what I wanted him to. I don’t say anything but just point at the little memory still scratched into the mental tunnel surface. He moves his hair out of his face and his eyes widens as he looks straight ahead at the scratched mental hearing him gasp a little.
“I completely forgot I did this.” He whispers, tracing his fingers over the faded initials.

O.S <3 J.F

“I can’t believe after all this time its still here.” He says looking back me, which I just smile back at him before pointing to the initials and talking down to Hannah in my lap.
“See this Snow, your daddy O wrote this back when we were kids. It was actually the night I first told him I loved him.”

Our eyes lock for a couple of minutes before Oli’s smile soon fades from his lips as the full memory of that night comes into our minds. The night started out horribly awkward, with me returning to Oli in the playground with a bloody nose as I had a fight only moments before with some friends. He wanted to cheer me up, so he made us crawl into the tunnel so he could show me the initials he engraved on the wall… but it soon drastically changed when I accidently saw the cuts on his wrist and discovered the whole entire time he had been self harming himself. One thing led to another and in fear of losing him I blunted out that I was in love with him and at that moment in time, those three little words made the situation a whole lot worse.

Oli pulls out his house keys from his pocket, the jingle noise breaking me out of my daze as I watch my husband begin scratching something new just below our initials.
“I think our newest addition needs to be added.” He mutters.
Once he was done scratching the new piece, he removes his hand and reveals the letter H with a heart scratched around it, exactly like the little tattoo he has on his arm he got for Hannah under the one he already has for me and my heart literally melts.

Out of nowhere Oli places his hand on top of mine which was placed around Hannah, the contact startling me a little as it’s been awhile since we’ve held hands. A warm smile crept on my lips and I glance up at my husband who was already staring back at me with those beautiful lustful brown eyes which I adore so much. He leans forwards, resting his head against mine and we just enjoy the silence for a few seconds.

“I love you.” He whispers in my ear, before placing a gentle kiss on the side of my head and I feel my heart drop and my eyes fill with tears as I hear the words. I was so relieved to hear him say those words to me because I honestly thought he wouldn’t say them to me again for awhile. I hurt him so much but for him to say he loves me I knew that he had forgiven me. And I say the only thing which my voice allows me to say.
“I love you too Oli, so much.”