We're Young and in Love

I Can't Do This On My Own.

Josh's P.O.V

I woke up rather early, 8:12AM to be exact.
I sat up in bed, I turn and sigh at the empty spot beside me, after I got off the phone from the adoption agency last night, me and Oli had got into another argument, a rather big one actually, which left us sleeping in two different rooms.
I was still feeling wounded by the hurtful things my husband had said to me, I still couldn’t get my head around the fact he’s been lying to me this entire time about wanting a child. Who lies about something so serious? How could he even think that was acceptable to do, it was far from it and most of all I couldn’t believe he could do such a cruel thing to me, he practically dangled this opportunity in front of me and teased me with it and thought it would be okay to take it all away from me last minute and expect me not to react how I did. He must be fucking stupid.

I could feel myself getting worked up over it all again so I took a deep breath in and decided I didn’t want to waste anymore time in bed thinking about it, so I got out of bed and jumped in the shower. Once I was done I quickly got dressed and walked into the kitchen to find my husband sitting at the breakfast bar, wearing nothing but his sweat pants, I bit my lip as I stare lovingly at his beautiful tattooed canvas back, oh how I would love to have my dirty little way with him right at this moment but I manage to control myself, we were still in fight and I was too stubborn to make the first move to make a mends. I walk over to the kettle to make myself a cup of coffee and something to eat, Oli hadn’t even acknowledge my existence, he didn’t even lift his head up from his phone, I wasn’t exactly being quiet either, especially with the kettle now boiling but he still chose to ignore me… Dick.

After a few moments of faffing about making my coffee and breakfast, I couldn’t continue to carry on like this, I hated this, I hate being in a fight with him, we rarely fight but when we do it usually doesn’t last that long, but I had a feeling this was going to drag on for awhile. But I needed to do something, the agency said we had to come in today to discuss the child they have chosen for us and if everything went successfully, we would then sign paperwork to officially make us legal adopted parents of that child.
And even though I knew nothing about the child the agency had picked out for us, I wanted that child more than anything but Oli on the other hand, needed more convincing. He said he wanted nothing to do with it, which broke my heart to be honest. He didn’t even want to give this opportunity a chance; he just shut himself off from me completely, falling back into old habits, one of them being the classic silent treatment which he never actually grew out of! This act was like some sort of a safety barrier to keep himself from letting out his true feelings and getting hurt, but it really wasn’t necessary, especially with me, I’m his husband for crying out loud.
He said some really hurtful things last night, but I knew it was because he was scared, he didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact he was about become a father… it was all down to the fact he was terrified he was going to turn out like his own father, which I don’t believe for a single second.
Oliver is a good man, a strong, kind, beautiful young man who picked himself up from his horrid past and got himself the help he needed to become a better person and that’s why I married him, because I saw all that in him and I truly believe he will be a great dad, I just need to find a better way to convince him.

Well first of all, I had to find a way to get him to look at me and then somehow convince him in the nicest way possible to come to the adoption agency with me and sign the papers.

So I thought a good start by kissing his stubborn but beautiful ass, would be by making him some breakfast.
I placed a plate of a toasted bagel topped with avocado in front of him, I knew it was one of his favourites and I plan on pulling out all the stunts today if I needed to. I stood beside him next to the breakfast bar and placed a little kiss on top of his head as some sort of 'I come in peace, please don't bite my head off' he finally puts his phone down but he still doesn’t say anything, I step behind him and run my hands along his bare shoulders and slowly stroking their way down his arms, I lean in and kiss him behind his ear, taking in the all too well beautiful scent i've grown to love over the years.

“Thanks.” He mumbles, taking a bite out of his bagel.
I feel him relax under my touch, his skin cool and soft, I love touching him and he always gave in to me not long after I start, so I see this as an opening and wrap my arms around his waist and place a few gentle kisses along his neck before resting my chin on his shoulder.
I feel him place his hand on the back of mine which was wrapped around his stomach.
I smile a little as I feel him slowly warming up to me; my plan seems to be working… It was now or never.
“After you’ve finish breakfast, how about you get in the shower so we can get to the agency nice and early.” I say gently.
I felt him tense and I knew what was coming next.
“Josh-“
“Please.” I beg cutting him off, burying my face in his hair.
I didn’t want to fight anymore, I just wanted him to understand how much this meant to me and how I was willing to do anything to get it.
“Please Oli.” I beg again, sounding more shakily this time, I was trying so hard not to cry.

I hear him sigh, before standing up and untangling himself from my hold.
He doesn’t say anything to me, just walks off towards the bathroom, which I only assume he’s going to do what I’ve asked and I’m grateful that it didn’t lead to another fight.

~~~
I drove us to the adoption agency in complete silences, it was far from awkward but I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t want to say anything which might messed this all up. Oskar had come along on the journey also, despite being a dog Oli chose to turn to an animal for morale support instead of his actual husband, which he does quite often in fact.

We arrived at the adoption agency within half an hour, leaving Oskar in the car as it wasn’t suitable to bring him in the building with us. Oli and I sat in reception, waiting to be called in and been seen to, and I admit, I was fucking shitting myself. I’ve never been so nervous in all my life, I didn’t know what to expect, I just knew everything had to be perfect but everything felt far from it. Oli and I have barely said a sentence to each other all morning and if I were freaking out, I definitely knew that he was too but we chose to both suffer in silence instead of going to each other for support like mature adults.

I was shaking my leg up down and began biting my nails, it was a nervous act, something I couldn’t control I just couldn’t sit still, I felt like I was going to have a nervous break down if I had to sit here any longer. Oli was sat forwards with his head in his hands, I knew this was hard for him, I felt guilty… but what was I suppose to do? He was about to throw away the one hope we could get to being parents, it was a once in a life time opportunity for us and I was going to let him destroy it… even if it meant putting a strain on our relationship.

When I was just about to reach out my hand on his back and talk to him, Lucy entered the reception and led us down the corridor to her room, she’s been guiding us throughout our entire process for the last ten months and the one who’s been in charge of our profile, you could say she knows us rather well now but the atmosphere was still nerve racking.

When we all took a seat, she opened up our file and began explaining everything to us.

“Like I mentioned to Josh on the phone last night, the reasons why this process has taken so long is because we make sure we investigate everything in the child’s life as well as yours too. We make sure we are certain that the right child goes to the right home.” she confirms.
I swallow hard, my throat feeling dry and horrible, I was so nervous I thought I was about to throw up. Lucy continues to talk.

“And therefore I believe we have found the right child which matches your profile precisely.”
I feel my heart pounding so hard as if it was going to jump out of my chest.

She opens a draw and pulls out another file, I watch her like a hawk as she does this and when she gets to the page she wants, she pulls out a photograph and I literally thought I was going to crumble to the floor.

“This is Hannah.” She smiles, handing me over the photograph and I feel my heart sink.
“She’s a six month old baby girl who fits your profile accurately.”
I was shaking so much I almost dropped the photograph from my hands, I was so overwhelm with so many emotions I couldn’t help but let the tears fall from my eyes.
“S-she’s perfect.” I sob.
I place my hand on Oli’s thigh without even realising at first, I needed him, I needed his love and support, I needed to show him how beautiful this perfect little girl who was almost ours. I turn to him with tear filled eyes, and hand the photograph over to him but he doesn’t take it from me, he just glances at it before covering his face and ducking his head. His reaction shattered my heart into pieces, how could he look at this photo for no longer than two seconds and not fall in love with her?

“I understand that this must be a very emotional moment for you both and if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.” Lucy says, obviously seeing our reactions but thankfully not reading too much into it.

“This is the child which both the agency and the mother of the child has chosen for you, if either of you are not happy with the child we have chosen, we shall remove her from your profile and you will be put back on the waiting list and so will she.”

I look up at Lucy in complete panic, there was no way I would let this little girl be taken away from me now.
“No no no, she’s absolutely perfect! She’s more than perfect, I will be more than honoured to call her mine.” I had become abit of an emotional wreck by this point, I was just so overwhelm by everything.
Lucy sent me a smile, she could see how genuine and over the moon I was but then her eyes flickered to Oli and her smile disappeared.

“Oliver is everything alright? You seem very distance and quiet for a situation like this to be happening in your life right now. ”
I can’t help but panic, if she feels that neither one of us aren’t 100% certain with the whole process she will automatically close our profile and take the child away.
I squeeze Oli’s thigh and look at him with pleading eyes.
“Your just nervous, aren’t you baby?” I speak for him.
He nods and forces a smile past his lips, which Lucy then believe is real and thankfully continues to not question him any further. I wasn't going to let him ruin this for me.

“Hannah is currently located in an adoption agency in London, and once the last of the paper work has been signed and finalised, we shall hand her over to be officially yours by next Friday.”
I couldn’t help but let out a little squeal of excitement, I knew I had to act professional but I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore, she was about to be ours in little over a week, how could I stay calm at knowing that?

Lucy handed us the last bit of paper work which needed to be signed, but as soon as the paper was in my reach I’d signed across the dotted line without a second thought, but Oli hesitated.
My stomach began to twist and turn, oh please don’t do this to me now. I was practically on the edge of my seat, seconds away from falling apart as I watched my husband stare blankly down at the dotted line.
Please don’t do this now. Please don’t do this to me, don’t back out now, I would never forgive him if he did this… not ever.
Please, please, please.
And when I was just about to give up hope on my husband, he signed a crossed the dotted line.
My eyes widen in shock, this was it, he signed it, this meant she was now officially ours, I couldn’t help but let out another sob but it was all relief and happiness. I wanted to to wrapped my arms around him and hold him tight and cover him in kisses but I knew that wasn't appropriate right now.

Lucy took the paper work and smiled at us both.
“Right well, I guess there’s nothing left to say but congratulations! You’re both going to be parents.”
I knew it was probably unprofessional of me but I couldn’t help but give Lucy the biggest hug, I couldn’t thank her enough for giving me this child and a hug was the only way I could say thank you, luckily she laughed it off.
Oli simply shook her hand and we both left the building.

No words could explain how hysterically happy I was, I literally wanted to scream from the top of my lungs and let everyone know I was a father. I was smiling from ear to ear and I was bursting with happiness but I somehow managed to remain silent, even though it felt like I was about to explode I held it in because of the sake of my husband.
We were now outside in the car park and he hadn’t said a single word since we left the room, no sign of any soft of enthusiasm was on his face, he just stood motionless by the side of our car, he was acting like someone had died instead of jumping with joy like he should be with me. I didn't understand, he signed the papers so he must have believed he was worthy to be a dad, otherwise why would he go ahead with it all? Not just for me surely...

I couldn’t hold it in any longer I had to let out my feelings before I explode; I wrapped my arms around Oli and hugged him tight from behind, burying my face in his back.
He had given me what I wanted; even though he didn’t feel completely confident, he still did it, he did it for me and I couldn’t thank him enough.
“Thank you so much.” I whisper into his back.
He doesn’t say anything, we just stand like that for a couple of minutes.
“I love you more than anything.” I say, hoping for some sort of reaction out of him and that’s when I felt him place his hand on my wrist.
“Let’s go into town and buy some stuff for our little girl.”
I was hoping he would agree and want to celebrate but he steps out of my hold and turns to me.
“I’m going to work.”
I frown, okay; his answer wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.
“What? Oli no, lets just take the rest of the day off.”
“I’ve done what you wanted me to do Josh, now just leave me alone will you.” He says rather harshly, making my mouth drop open at his words.
“I have work to do, so if you don’t mind I need to get going, I’ll drop you off into town on the way.”
“Oli…” I step towards him with my arms open, hoping he’ll give in to me but he snatches the car keys out of my hands and walks around to the driver’s seat and gets in.

I couldn’t help but chock out a sob, I could feel my body about to cave in and break down, why is he being like this? We’ve just adopted a child, we should be celebrating but he chooses to break my heart instead.
When I actually thought everything was falling into place, he turns colder than ever... I can't do this on my own.