Shatter Me With Hope

Today was anything but productive. Sitting in bed all day and reading a 478 page book that I don’t even know the title of and the only reason why I even continued reading it, is because I had to know how it ends is most definitely not productive. Upstairs is still a mess after unexpected leak, almost all of the rooms need to be repainted, a job I won’t be able to avoid sadly. This little break the band decided to take uncovered all the little things I’ve been avoiding for the past 4 years or so. Just last week I’ve discovered a large, unopened box in the basement that was put in there when I moved into this place over 5 years ago. It was simply labelled as ‘crap’ so who knows what kind of ‘treasures’ I’ve stored in there and complete forgot about!
As I was descending down the stairs I heard a noise coming from downstairs. It was still daytime and I should be alone for a few more hours or even whole evening. Maybe some animal got inside? It sounds funny but it wouldn’t be the first time. Few years ago I found a small fox hiding behind all the crap in the garage, a hedgehog in the living room and three birds that managed to fly in through the open window but couldn’t find their way out. It’s funny that the first thought after hearing a strange noise in the house is to think it’s something or someone else than a burglar. That’s life in Finland for you!



I was greeted not by some trapped bird or a small animal but a hunched over the coffee table figure who was making some sort of noises of displeasure. A figure I could spot, as cliché as it sounds, in a crowd of thousand people.
“Hey!”, I greeted her, sounding more surprised that I should’ve been.
“Hi!” she smiled at me and continued rummaging in her bag. She took some papers out, dropped them on the floor , stood up, approached me and gave me soft kiss.
“Hello”, she said again, still with her eyes closed.
“Hello“, I replied and gently brushed her nose with mine. “Didn't know you were gonna come tonight”.
“Mmmm I have nothing better to do”, she said teasingly. She gave me another kiss , walked into the kitchen and pointed at some plastic boxes on the counter. “And what you‘ve been up to?”
“Not much, just done stuff… around”, the boxes contained still piping hot, home-cooked meal. I smiled and went to put the water on. It sort of became a ritual for me to have a cup of tea with every meal. Healthier than coffee and after about ten tries, tastier as well.
“Stuff?”, she asked and laughed, knowing me too well. She put the plate next to the food and leaned on the counter.
“Thank you”, I kissed her cheek and leaned next to her. “Yeah…. Ok not really”, I smiled sheepishly. “You‘re not eating?”
“Mmhmm you forgot to unlock the gate so by next week your bins will be overflowing and no, I ate while cooking.”



I moved from the counter and accidentally bumped into something with my elbow making it fall to the floor. It was a medium size, flat box. Return address said it was from France.
“Ah yes”. the box was suddenly grabbed from my hands. “Mom sent me stuff again….. A book!…. A cooking book?” I looked over her shoulder at the cookbook by some celebrity chef, at least that’s what the cover said, the face however was unfamiliar.
“Not too fancy and they have vegetarian version of each dish”, she said happily. “I should probably just randomly come here every day and cook new recipe each day. That way you‘d be fed and this book would be used properly rather than collecting dust.” She was flipping through the book and marking a page or two, probably for tomorrows or the day after dinner or something.
“And what exactly you expect for that?”, I asked and poured in some tea that finished brewing.
“I dunno. Some sexual favours maybe?”
“You‘re getting those for free anyway”. She closed the book and playfully hit my tight with it. “Why is your mother sending you cookbooks for anyway?”, we entered the so called living room and she sat on the floor amongst her papers.
“Not sure. Maybe she wants me to be more domesticated?”
“I don‘t think that‘s possible”, I said truthfully. “I‘ve never seen a girl who could assemble Ikea stuff without any instructions or change electric sockets all over the house”
“Oh please!”, she scoffed at me. “Maybe she wants me to fatten you up for Christmas?”
“Oh please!”, echoed her.
“But speaking of home. The paint we ordered should come on Wednesday. Should be fun 2 days and then you‘ll be having an amazing time at my place till next week”, she gestured with her hands what she calls ‘a fabulous way’. “But I need to go back tonight. For some reason mom sent half of the packages here and the other half to my place and I need to take our dirty clothes since your washer hates me and I promised your dad to give him that weird German film tomorrow but I left it on the kitchen table oh and you promised Elena and Jarki to do garden party so I need to pick those unbreakable glasses since yours always tend to break or disappear. But don’t worry, I’ll be spending the night here since I have 8am class tomorrow and the tram from my place always runs late and to mention…..”

I was sipping my tea and happily listening to her ramble, quite sure I won’t remember half of these things but thankfully I had her. I had her. With that thought, suddenly her voice faded into the background and I felt my heart drop.



“Move in here”. Words were spoken before the brain could even register them.
“Sure! Just let me finish this”, she sounded like she was replying to a 5 years old who just asked for a driving lesson.
“I‘m not joking”, again, speaking before thinking. I put my cup down and started walking towards her.
“Ville, I adore you but there no way in hell I‘m staying here for more than few days at the a time so you could lure me into cleaning this whole place. Nuh uh, call your mom…or better not”, she looked at the bookcase in front of her, “who knows what kind of wrong stuff she might find hidden all over the place”, she winked at me and continued writing.
“I want you to move in with me”, I said to the back of her head, “as my girlfriend”.
She stopped writing. She looked at me with her face pulled into a slight grimace.
“I know I make you food sometimes and fold your laundry but…”
“I want you to live with me. Here. In this tower. Preferably as soon as possible.”
“….You want me to move in with you….”, she looked at me like she was trying to figure out the riddles of the universe.
“Yes”
“Seriously..?”
“I‘m probably more serious right now than I‘ve ever been in my whole life”, I said truthfully. “Don‘t you think it would be fun? You won‘t have to go all the way back home or run late to your classes. Work will be only 20 minutes away and as you said earlier, I will stop going up and down the walls and talking to *Emily if you‘re here.” What am I doing? “Best part?”, she raised her eyebrow still looking at me with curious yet slightly disbelieving eyes, “You could do the goodbye party to your neighbor you’ve been talking about. I’m sure we could find some trash metal band that could play at your apartment at 3am”


She stood up and laughed. For some reason that hurt more than if she were to say ‘fuck off’ and ignored what I just said.
“Ville, I can‘t live here“.
“Hey, I know it‘s a quirky looking place and there‘s a horny ghost roaming from room to room but why not?”. She opened her mouth as if to say something but closed it and furrowed her brows.
“We‘ve been together for such a long time now, I think it‘s about time I made an honest woman out of you and at least let you share my bed on more than one occasion”. I tried to joke. Not sure if it worked, for her or for me. She swallowed and finally spoke again.
“Putting a side the fact that you‘re even asking me to move in with you…. I can‘t do that! This is yours!”, she gestured with her hands around the room. “It‘s your place, your shrine. This is where you create and the only place where you can truly be just by yourself. I cannot come in here, push all your stuff out of the way and create nothing but chaos. I think w…”

“Do you love me?”, I suddenly cut her off.
“What? What kind of a question is that??”, a mixture of confusion and anger flashed across her face.
“Do you love me?”, I insisted.
“Yes, I love you. You know that I do!”



“Look”, I took a deep breath. “I won’t be the one to marry you, I won’t be the one who will put a big fucking diamond ring on your finger with promises of picture perfect life with a wonderful house and family life. I can’t do that. I can’t lie to you or myself. But I need you. I never needed someone like I need you and that scares me to death. I’ve been thinking abut this for a while I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up, I want you to be the one who yells at me for doing things wrong, I want you to be the one who will piss me off by changing things that I want to remain the same, I want you to be the one whom I will tell to go to hell while I kiss you goodnight. Something shifted in me, I don’t know what and I don’t know why, all I know is that this has never happened to me before. But it feels good. It feels fresh, alive… And I want this to continue and for that I need you here, with me. I’m probably the last person anyone would ever want to live with, hell, ask any of my past romances! I suck at every day life! I suck at loving people. I suck at keeping them but….”, I could feel my voice starting to shake. I take another deep breath. Regardless of her answer, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Stripping myself naked, leaving every raw and bleeding wound and scar for her to see and asking that maybe she could try and heal it because if she can’t, no one will.
“I know that in the long run I’m going to somehow fuck it up but I’m giving it all. All of it. And I want you to take it and do whatever”. The armor was finally off, the walls torn down. Wide open doors was all that was left.



Her eyes were shinning. Her arms hung loosely by her side. I wanted to leave the room; not because I was fearing the rejection but because I was embarrassed. She suddenly laughed, rolled her eyes and looked up for a few moments. Probably to stop the tears from escaping. Before I could even realize what was happening her body slammed into mine. Her arms wrapping tightly around me. She shook her head and touched her forehead to my chest.
“You know”, she mumbled into my chest. “I think that asshole upstairs doesn't deserve anything. I rather order some cake and we could have a housewarming party for me here”.
I think for a moment my brain malfunctioned. I swear I could hear static. I closed my eyes feeling smile tugging at the corners of my lips. I took her head into my hands and kissed her forehead. She put her hands on my neck and I bumped my forehead into hers.
“This is going to be madness”, she said.
“A little bit of madness never hurt anyone”