I'll Bow for Your King When He Shows Himself

Matt and I stumbled up the stairs to my apartment, hanging on to each other, giggling. We managed to drink the entire bottle of whiskey on the way home (I know, it's not safe), but Matt was actually pretty sober, compared to me. I needed to compose myself though, and fast, before I got inside. Hopefully Andy can't smell it.

The door was already wide open when we walked through the frame.

"Andy?" I called out, through the dark. I decided that the lights and television were off because I forgot to pay the electrical bill. But once I walked into the living room, I realized that, no. It wasn't that at all.

Everything was fucked up.

"I walked down to the gas station just to get some food, and I came back and it was like this," Andy said, anger reaching his voice.

I stared around the cluttered room. You would think that I wouldn't notice, because the apartment was always a mess, but everything was missing.

"What's all gone?" I asked him, my breath hitching in my throat.

Andy leaned against a wall and ran a hand messily through his dirty hair. "I don't know. The television. The XBOX. All of our food. They went in your room too."

My eyes suddenly grew. I dropped my bag on the floor and sprinted to my room. I turned the light on and searched the room for everything. I walked over to my bed and turned over the mattress, hoping, praying, that what was there was still there.

My fingers graced the wire frame and came across nothing. Hot tears began to fill my eyes. "Mother fucker," I whispered. I would not cry. I would not cry.

I was crying.

Andy bent down next to me and slung an arm around me. "All of our money was there, Andrew. It was in an envelope and..." I choked on my tears and bent my head into the crook of his neck.

He didn't know what to do. He was stunned by everything, and made no move to try to get me to calm down. He just started running his fingers through my hair, and I already knew he could smell the whiskey on my breath, but it didn't even matter anymore, because I was sober enough to realize that this was real and that we're left with nothing.

"How much was it?" Matt asked. I had forgotten that he was still there.

I sobbed into my hands. "I don't know. A couple thousand. A lot of paychecks, that's for damn sure."

I slid down the wall to the ground and brought my knees up to my face.

"Fuck," Andy whispered.

"What the fuck did you do, Andy?" I screamed at him.

He gave me a double-take. "What did I do?" he asked, pointing to myself. "I left for fifteen fucking minutes, Carrion." His voice oozed with hatred, but we had to get it out of our system.

"And you didn't even bother to lock the door?" I yelled back, up on my feet again and in his face.

"You and I both know that lock is broken, Carrion! And whose fault is that? Oh ya, yours! Because you moved us into the shittiest apartment complex ever."

He kicked over his tank, yanking the plugs out of his nose. He tried to act like it didn't matter, but after a few seconds, he started gasping for air. I threw the buds back at him and watched him walk out of the room, and then the apartment altogether.

"It was the only thing we could afford," I said out loud, to anybody that was hearing. Sadly, it was Matt, and I felt so bad. I brought him into a messy home and he stood there, looking awkward and out of place.

He walked over to me. "I can help you, Carrion. There's...places that you can stay and I'll give you money for food."

I shook my head at him. "No, Matt. I'm not going to do that to you. I need to deal with it by myself. I'll work double shifts...triple shifts to get all of the money back. But right now, I need to go get my brother and you need to call the police. Can you just...please do that for me?"

He already had his phone out. "Sure. But I'm coming with you. It's late and you don't need to do this yourself."

I had started crying again before Matt ended the call with the police. I was already out the door by the time it was over though, running down the stairs, tripping over my own feet, and pushing my way through the front doors.

"Andy!" I called out. It was freezing and he walked out without shoes, carrying a tank.

Matt jogged up behind me. "Okay. You go that way, and I'll go this way." He pointed down the other end of the road. I nodded my head and took off to the left.

"Andrew, come on! You're going to get sick." No matter what I said, though, he couldn't hear me, and it was getting later and colder. I pulled out my cell phone and called dialed the first number that came to my mind.

"Hey, Paula. Is Andrew with you?" She was obviously sleeping and I knew she was going to yell at me.

"No, Carrion, he's not. Why?" She sounded irked but I didn't care at this point.

"Something happened and he left. Now I can't find him."

Her breathing hitched. "What do you mean? How do you lose a person?"

I hung up on her and continued down to the park. I hoped I would find his body through the falling snow, swinging on the swing set or something. But he wasn't. And I was slowly giving up. I trudged through the snow and landed in a swing, my face frozen with tears. "I'm such a fucking screw up."

After a few minutes of sitting and silent crying, my phone began blowing up. "He's with me. What the fuck did you do to him, Carrie?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I pushed through Derek's front door, my heart racing fast from sprinting the mile down to his house. I had left Matt by himself, still looking for my lost brother, and forgot to tell him that he was with Derek.

Derek was ripping a bong when I walked into the living room. Andrew was unconscious on the couch.

"Where did you find him?" I asked Derek, whispering.

"He came here himself," he said, blowing smoke out of his mouth as he talked.

He walked two miles to Derek's house.

I sat on the ground next to my brother and ran a hand over my face. "I'm the shittiest sister ever..." I'm the shittiest person ever, actually. I should have stopped him from walking out. I looked towards the end of the couch to find a heater blowin on Andy and let out a breath.

"What happened?" he asked me, setting the bong down and flicking the lighter.

I sighed and looked down at Andy's face. He was sleeping, breathing deeply through his tank. "We got robbed." It sounded so stupid coming out of my mouth. "And then we got in a fight about it, and he just left."

Derek got quiet, his anger for me slowly dissipating. "Do you want me to take you guys home?" he asked me.

I nodded my head. But so many things ran through my mind at that second that I reconsidered. The police were probably there. And I have to clean up the apartment. Andy needs the sleep and we need some time apart. I told Derek as much. "Can Andy stay with you for a couple of days? While I get this all figured out..." It was so much to ask for and I wouldn't be surprised if he said no.

"Of course, Carrion. And if he wakes up and looks sick, I'll take him to the hospital." He knew us so well. I crawled across the floor and grabbed him for a hug. He squeezed me, instantly warming me up.

Derek drove me home after that. Matt was sitting on the front steps of the complex, waiting, and I grew sad again, seeing him.

I told him what happened, and he walked back up with me to the apartment where the cops were waiting. I went through the motions, after having to talk to them many times about my parents, and answered all of the questions they asked to the best of my ability.

After they had left, I found myself crying again. I knew I was freaking Matt out. "I'm so sorry, Matt. You don't have to stay. I understand."

Matt walked the rest of the way to where I leaned against the counter. He lifted my face up with his thumbs, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "I want to stay."

His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I was shaking from how hard I was crying and he calmed me down, tracing circles on my back until I was numb from feeling everything all at once.

"I'm going to go get us some coffee, and then we're going to clean this place up. Okay?" He wiped away the remaining tears and I nodded, regaining the courage I'm known to have.

After he left, I began picking up the apartment. But all I could think about is how much my life is fucked up.

And how I don't deserve Matt.