I'll Bow for Your King When He Shows Himself

I had been drinking heavily for the past three weeks. I felt comfort in the burn, I took home in it. By no means was I becoming the same way I was those years ago, because I've worked so hard not to do that. But a drink every once in awhile wasn't hurting anybody.

I pondered over the papers laid out before me, chewing the end of my pencil and adjusting the light on the desk, as if that was going to help me come over the block in my mind.

I had also not been caring for these past three weeks. I realized that the only way I was going to get myself out of this debt was to try. That's part of the reason why alcohol had become my salvation.

I chugged down the rest of the gin and turned the radio off. I had managed to get through three pieces in these three weeks, and I've realized a pattern; once I started one, I couldn't finish it.

I took cover in the parlor, since I didn't have a work bench at home, and that's not because of the break in, it's just my own fault. The neon lights seemed to help me make sketches because it's something I was used to. I could see my mistakes and fix them easily, but it didn't help the fact that I am noncommittal, which is dumb because I had only a few months to finish 15 sketches.

I would work on one and go back to another, and however proactive I thought I was, it wasn't helping.

The door above the parlor chimed and my heart beat quickened. Paula wasn't supposed to be in for a few more hours and she didn't know what I was doing.

When the top of his beanie showed over the counter, I sighed with relief and slid off of my chair.

Matt came into the back, bearing coffee and a greasy bag from McDonald's. Before he saw me, I plowed into him, halfway knocking the warm delicacies from his arms. He gave a startled gasp, but got ahold of himself and laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"Someone's in a good mood," he said, setting the bag down on the coffee table.

I shrugged. "Not really, but seeing you just makes me feel better."

His cheeks grew red and I gave him a kiss before sitting on the couch. As I was saying, things were going pretty well. Andy had come home and was sleeping in my room, so I set up camp in the living room with a flashlight and a shit ton of pillows. He tried telling me he was fine, but I insisted, mostly because I felt bad for being a bitch to him. Oh, and him also having cancer was another reason, I guess.

I managed to get somewhere with Paula and she's giving me bigger paychecks now. It still wasn't enough, obviously, but I wasn't going to complain because I knew she was struggling too. She's also made me work less, but I've grown into the insomniac ways, staying up to all hours of the night, drawing. I was going insane. It was like I was back to the ways I used to be, before we moved to London. I was working hard at what I loved, but I still couldn't find the compassion I used to have for art in the first place. It still felt like a job, which it technically was.

Matt and Oliver started talking to me on a daily basis, coming in to check up on me and Andy whenever they were free. It was kind of nice, having people there for us.

"Have you gotten anywhere?" Matt asked, relaxing back onto the couch. I went back to the bench and swiveled my chair to look at him.

I held out the sketches I'd been working on and Matt grabbed them, grazing my fingers on purpose. I suppressed a smile, watching his eyes. "These are amazing, Carrion."

"They're really nothing. Just sketches."

He give me this sexy half glare and I have to turn around in my chair to keep myself from blushing. "So I was thinking about the cover-"

"Oliver's coming over in a few. He's bringing the rest of the guys to hang out."

I hadn't managed to meet the sober boys since the night of the party. All of them were completely drunk and disregarded me, and I hadn't seen them since. They still gave me anxiety in my chest when Matt talked about them, because I felt like they didn't like me. Matt talks about them like they're family, which they basically are, and if I don't impress them then I know Matt won't keep me around long enough. I know guys.

I bit back the anxiety in my chest and forced a smile. "Cool."

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An hour later, we were sprawled out in the kitchen, drinking beers and talking about a lot. I kept to myself for awhile until Matt Kean decided to include me in the conversation. I felt bad about not listening in the first place, so I raised my eyebrows and said, "Hmm?"

An awkward look crossed his face. "Sorry, I was zoning out," I told him, truthfully.

"We were just talking about secondary. How was it for you?" he asked. All eyes were on me at this point. My Matt rubbed my shoulders and smiled down at me as if to say 'Stop embarassing me in front of my friends.'

I smiled. "It wasn't anything for me. I dropped out in year eight."

"Why is that?" Oliver asked, bewildered that he didn't know this in the first place.

I shrugged my shoulders and leaned against the counter. "My parents were kind of...distant, I guess. I took the wrong path."

Laughter broke out. "You and all of us," Jona said, loudly, raising his bottle. They all clinked glass together, the noise buzzing in my ears for several minutes.

Matt pressed me up against his side. "You okay?"

I smiled and nodded. I was never one to be talkative in big groups. Even in my partying days, I would stand in corners and wait until I got drunk enough I couldn't see who was talking to me. It wasn't healthy, obviously, but I managed. "Yeah. I just feel kind of awkward."

The guys weren't listening to me anymore. They had gone off on how their secondary years went and I took refuge in just listening. Matt smiled and turned his body to fully face me. "Do you wanna go somewhere and fool around?" he asked.

I cracked a smile and let him lead the way. I looked back at Oliver who looked up at us in a lost puppy way. "We're going to-" Before I could finish my sentence, Matt took me by the hand and dragged me out of the back door.

He plopped down in the only chair on the deck by the pool. It was freezing, obviously. Matt pulled me into his lap and I brought my feet up to the arm rests. "So are we actually going to fool around or did you just want to leave?" I asked, whispering.

I had gotten to know Matt way too well over the couple of months. We weren't actually naming ourselves as in a relationship, but it also felt like we didn't need to.

We just were.

He sighed and brought his drink up to his lips. "Sometimes I need time away, you know?" Of course I knew. We talked about this the first time we met.

"That's impossible. You practically live with the guys."

He shrugged and drank again. "Exactly. You don't know them like I do."

I elbowed him in the ribs. "But I will."

He shook his head and leaned it against my elbow. "Let's hope not," he joked. "They're kind of insane. All they do is talk about music and other than that, we just don't talk."

"You're being very negative."

Matt sighed again. "I know. Sorry. You are just so easy to talk to." He poked my nose and I squished it up in what I hoped was a cute way.

Seconds later, we were making out, situated uncomfortably in each other's arms.

"Carrion, didn't you say you had something to show us?" Jona yelled from inside. I jumped at his voice and Matt laughed, trying to calm me down.

"You're being very jumpy," he teased.

I got up off of his lap and followed him inside again. Everybody was situated around the counter in the kitchen and my notebook was in the middle of them.

I took my spot at the end and opened it. "Well, I was just doing some doodling, thinking about what Oliver said the album was about and I came up with this." I flipped to the correct page and showed it to everybody. It was a rough drawing and I could tell they were all very confused, except Oliver.

He took it upon himself to explain it. "Well, we kind of thought about what the album is about in a whole. Carrion read some of the lyrics and understood our point. So we came up with Sempiternal."

Again, crazy flashed behind everybody's eyes. "Sempiternal means eternal, unchanging. And given what the album is about in the first place, it makes so much sense. And this is the Flower of Life. It basically symbolizes life, from birth to death," I concluded, a smile on my face.

Lee piped up. "But that's a contradiction."

Oliver and I looked at each other. "Is it though?"