I'll Bow for Your King When He Shows Himself

I sat down on the top step of the porch and pulled out my cell phone. Luckily, the majority of the people had moved to the backyard. All that was left was a lone couple making out against a tree.

It rang seven times before Andy picked up. "Carrie?"

"Hey, Andy."

"Are you okay?" he asked, half asleep.

I shook my head, but he couldn't see so I said. "Ya. I'm fine."

There was not talking between us for a couple of seconds. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting on the front step of this house. Oliver kind of ran off. I was going to see if you could get Derek to come get me." Pleasepleasepleaseplease.

"Carrion, you're so lame." He began laughing and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Shut up okay? I haven't done this in like a year. It's not my fault I don't know how to talk to people."

He sighed. "Are there any cute guys?"

Ew.

"Andy..."

"Look, Carrion. I'm not going to make Derek drive out there and get you. Do whatever you can to open up to the people there. Just." He broke off.

"Andy?"

"Just be safe, okay Carrie?"

He didn't even say goodbye. He just hung up the phone. By be safe he meant don't drink. But I had such a strong urge to all of a sudden. I shook my head at the thought and slapped myself in the forehead. "Think about this, Carrion. You don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what anymore?"

I jumped at the voice. Matt Nicholls had walked out of the house to see me sitting there. "Um. Nothing. I was just seeing if my brother was okay." Great answer, Carrion.

Matt sat on the porch, too, a step down from me though so he was looking up at me. "And is he okay?" he asked.

I nodded my head.

Matt sighed. "This must be so weird for you, huh?"

I shrugged.

"I mean you don't even know us."

I didn't say anything.

He handed me one of the cans in his hand. "You left this inside. I thought you might want it. I promise, I didn't put drugs in it."

I cracked a smile at that and took a small sip. "Thanks."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

He paused and looked into my eyes. "What do you think of Oli?"

I looked away from him at at the rows of cars parked in front. "He's okay. We have a lot in common," I said, truthfully. "Why?"

Matt laughed. "You're going to think I'm an idiot."

I smiled. "No I'm not. I don't judge people."

Matt sighed and began twiddling his thumbs. "I asked Oli to ask you here tonight."

I laughed. "Did you really?" He nodded and smiled. "You like me." It wasn't even a question.

"It's stupid, really."

I nudged him with my knee. "It's not stupid, Matt. But I'm nothing special, I promise you that."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I disagree with that. You seem pretty perfect."

Silence overtook us, and we were left, staring at each other. His hand reached up and cupped my cheek, pulling me towards him. Our lips touched, and I was kissing the first guy in years. Matt pulled away abruptly, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

I smiled at him and looked back at the falling snow. "It's okay, Matt." I moved down one step and grabbed his arm, cuddling into the side of his body for warmth.

We sat there, wordlessly, shivering underneath our coats and all I could think about was how okay I was now. A few minutes ago I was begging my brother to let me come back home, and now I'm actually okay.

"Why aren't you with everybody else?" I asked.

He sighed, breath circulating in the cold air. "I need a break sometimes." I nodded my head in understandment, but my teeth began chattering. "Do you want to go back inside? Everyone's out back by the bonfire."

"Sure."

We walked through the now empty house and out of the sliding glass doors. There were flames up ahead in the middle of the field, with music thumping and people dancing around the fire like some Indian ritual. I could feel the warmth as we got closer, my arm still gripping Matt's.

"There you guys are! We thought you forgot about us," Oli said, lifting his drink up in the air.

"Never," Matt smiled in a joking manner.

I released my grip on his arm and walked over to a small bench about ten feet away from the fire. I sat and watched the party go on like a scene in a movie. Jokes were thrown around and people laughed in choruses. I put a tiny smile on, only half faking it, and quickly chugged the rest of my beer. Jona threw me another one right after, and I cracked it open and began drinking freely.

Two can't get me drunk. I'll be okay. What Andy doesn't know won't hurt him.

Around three in the morning, people began disappearing, driving home as soon as they sobered up a little. Only around twenty people remained, but they were growing tired, and I was too.

Oliver caught my eye across the bonfire and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He sat next to me and offered one. I took it without saying thank you and watched him light it up for me. I put the cancer stick to my lips and inhaled deeply, taking in the familiar feeling of nicotine.

I never stopped smoking after rehab. It wasn't changing me at all, so why would I have to.

"Do you need a ride home?" Oliver asked me.

I flicked away ash. "Nobody seems sober enough. I can just try to call Derek to see if he can come pick me up."

"Derek?" he questioned.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "My co-worker who tried to seduce you."

He laughed at that. "Oh, that guy."

I giggled. I was on my fourth beer, but I was only a little buzzed. It took a lot to get me drunk. That's probably why I kept drinking and drinking my own body weight down.

"Well, I'm not drunk, Carrion. I've only had one drink." I raised my eyebrow at him in disbelief. "I'm not even joking. I am really high right now though."

I shook my head at him. I put my head down and pushed a strand of hair behind my ears, hoping guys thought this was attractive.

"Did Matt come and talk to you?" he asked, looking across my shoulder at Matt Nicholls, who was riding on some girls back as she ran around.

I nodded my head. "Yup. You could have just told me that he liked me instead of this." I motioned to our surroundings.

"Matt's a real funny guy, Carrion. He likes to be mysterious. But no, really. What do you think of him?"

I looked back over my shoulder, seeing him laying in the snow and making snow angels. "He's nice."

"Oh no." Oliver said, laughing hard. "Girls only say that when they're about to put somebody in the friendzone."

"How would you know? I didn't even finish what I was saying," I said, my eyes getting bigger. He motioned for me to continue. "I was going to say, he's nice...but I just don't know him that well."

"Friendzone."

"That's not it at all, Oliver."

"You don't know me that well, but you trust me enough to talk about death in trees."

That was different. But then again, was it really? Matt and Oli were obviously best friends, and I was judging him by who he was. Oliver on the other hand, never showed me who he really is, keeping it a mystery. He didn't break down his barriers to have conversations with me. He said what he should, without giving his private life away. Matt and Oli were two different people.

I didn't even know why I was comparing Oliver to Matt Nicholls in the first place. Yes, Oliver is cute. He can sing and play guitar and has amazing music taste. But he had a girlfriend, and he only brought me here to set me up with Matt. I felt betrayed by this point, but I hid it well. I shut my mouth and finished the rest of my cigarette before pulling out my cell phone.

I dialed Derek's number on the broken keyboard and listened to the ringing in my ears. "Hey, this is Derek. I'm probably having mad gay sex right now and can't pick up the phone." I sighed and rolled my eyes. Great. "If this is Carrion, you're probably going to keep calling me until I pick up anyways-" I cut off my friend's voice and groaned in exasperation.

"No answer?" I shook my head in reply. "Come on." He stood up and grabbed my hand in his, pulling me along with him. We walked up to the rest of the band mates were casually sitting on the back deck, talking amongst themselves. "I'm going to take Carrion home really quick. She couldn't get ahold of a ride."

Matt stood up. "I can take her."

"No," everybody said in unison, shaking their heads. Obviously by his slurred words, he was drunk and most definitely unable to drive.

"It was nice meeting you guys," I said in a tiny voice, growing aware of the eyes on me.

"Bye, Carrion," the bandmates said altogether, Matt's voice a little louder than everyone else's. I looked down at the ground and began matching my steps in the snow with Oliver, who was already ahead of me.

"Thanks for doing this, Oliver," I said quietly, shivering under my heavy coat.

"For doing what?" he asked, a small smile placed on his face.

I shrugged. "The party, bringing me home, being-"

Oliver chuckled. "I'm not taking you home, Carrie," he told me, smirking in a devious manner.

"It's Carrion." I breathed out, a puff of cold air forming in front of my mouth. "Where are you taking me?"

He leaned into my ear. "It's a surprise," he whispered, sending chills up and down my back.

Oliver backed away and started running away from me, towards the white van again, laughing.

"OLIVER." I called out, carefully stepping into his wide footprints in the snow. "SLOW DOWN."

I opened the passenger door and sat down, happy to be out of the cold. My boots were now wet, my socks soaked. Oliver drove away without another word, bobbing his head to and fro along with the beat of the music in the background. La Dispute called out to me, Jordan's voice softly filling my ears with the meaningful words.

"Tell me what your worst fears are. I bet they look a lot like mine. Tell me what you think about when you can't fall asleep at night. Tell me that you're struggling, tell me that you're scared. No, tell me that you're terrified of life. Tell me that it's difficult to not think of death sometimes." I didn't realize I had sang the words out loud until Oliver cocked his head to the side and furrowed his eye brows. I shrugged. "La Dispute is my favorite band. All Our Bruised Bodies is my favorite song."

"Ya? Why's that?" he asked me.

I shrugged again. "Jordan just puts so much emotion into the words. There's not one song that they have put out that wasn't completely truthful. People write about-" I paused. "People write about what you want to hear. La Dispute writes about what you need to hear."

Oliver turned away from me, looking back at the road as if I said something horribly devastating. He opened the glove compartment in front of me and shuffled through the many CDs. I managed to catch a few titles as he thumbed through them: Touche Amore, Seahaven, Title Fight, all amazing bands. He pulled out two CDs and handed them to me.

"These are the two albums we've put out so far. I think you should listen to them."

I had never heard of Bring Me the Horizon up until I met Oliver. The way he talked about the band, about the music, was exactly what I lived for. He didn't put himself in the spotlight. He put the words first. The two CDs he handed me were Suicide Season and There Is A Hell... I promised myself that I would listen to BMTH, but I never got around to it, and now I could.

"Thank you," I told him, reading through the tracklists. "But why?"

He smiled at me. "Just trust me."

About a half an hour later and an entire La Dispute album had come and gone, Oliver pulled onto a dirt road and parked the van. He unbuckled his seat belt and ran out of the car and into the trees. I looked after him for awhile until I realized he wasn't running to take a piss. He was going somewhere. And he wanted me to follow.