I'll Bow for Your King When He Shows Himself

"We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!"

In one swift motion I was up on the kitchen counter, making guitar movements with my arms. I rocked out to Threshold from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, no care in the world at the moment.

At that moment, a loud knock sounded on the door and I fell off the counter, terrified that I could hear the sound loud enough over the loud speakers.

It was probably that drunk guy from down the hall, coming to yell at me for the second time that day. I stood up slowly, holding the back of my head that I somehow hit on the floor on my way down. "I'm coming," I called out.

But it wasn't the drunk guy from down the hall. It was Matt Nicholls, one of Oliver's friends. The one that kissed me. "Oh, hey Matt." I gave him a small smile and placed my hand on my hip, leaning my body against the door frame. I was wearing shorts and a tank top that showed off every tattoo and scar that littered my body. I all of a sudden felt self conscious and wrapped my arms around myself. I hadn't seen Matt since that party a few weeks ago, but I'd seen plenty of Oliver.

"Hey, Carrion." His smile shown brightly. An awkward silence approached and I got the feeling that he didn't realize he'd get this far in the conversation.

I turned my head to the side. "Do you want to come in? I'm just watching Scott Pilgrim and was about to make some popcorn."

He nodded and I moved out of the way so he could walk in. I didn't realize how cluttered the apartment was until that moment. Normally I wouldn't care what the place looked like, but I mean...I liked Matt. He was the first guy that showed interest in me in years (besides Oliver, but that's not an option because it's Oliver). "I'm really sorry it's such a mess in here. My brother threw a party a few nights ago and it hasn't really been cleaned since then." That wasn't a complete lie. It wasn't really a party, just a few people that showed up with a bong and some beer. Andy, of course, didn't drink, and I was under constant surveillance by him that I couldn't even sneak a drink. So we just sat around the coffee table and played poker until we were too high to move.

"A party and I wasn't invited? Tsk tsk," Matt joked.

I stifled a laugh and moved a few cans off of the loveseat. "Go ahead and sit down. Do you want something to drink?" I don't know why, but it was super awkward being with Matt without any of Oliver's other friends. I don't know if it's because Matt's awkward as a person or maybe it's me. Whatever.

"Actually, no, thanks. I have to get to band practice pretty soon, but I wanted to ask you something before it was too late." It was too late? Why would anything be too late?

Again, I smiled out of politeness. I sat on the opposite side of the couch, facing him. "Okay. Go ahead."

He took a deep breath, as if he was gathering the courage. "I was wondering if you had anything planned tonight?"

Oh boy. I internally sighed, because I knew it was going to happen. I mean, I want to go out on a date with him, I totally do. And it's not like I had anything planned. Andy was over at Derek's house, playing video games (and hopefully taking his medication), and it's not like I have any friends. It was a Saturday, so I had no work the next day.

"Well, you see, I have such a busy schedule," I joked.

Matt laughed nervously. He twiddled his thumbs, anxious beyond belief, probably.

"No, Matt. I don't have anything planned. Why? What were you thinking we would do?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It's a surprise?" he questioned.

I help my hands up. "Oh, right. Date. I get it. Pick me up at six?"

His face relaxed. "Right. Six. I'll see you then."

I waited to see what his next move was.

"I'm really sorry. I'm not good at this. You make me really nervous," he said honestly.

"Don't apologize to me for being scared. I get that a lot."

"Really?" he asked, a worried look growing again.

I laughed loudly. "No."

After exchanging our laughs, we said good bye, even going so much as hugging, and Matt was on his way out the door to his band practice. I didn't know what had gotten over me, considering every guy I had ever been with had been drunk hook-ups and week long relationships, but I had been beyond affectionate to Matt. Maybe I needed a guy to get my mind off of things.

I settled down in the couch once more with my bowl of popcorn and a cup of tea, pressing play on the remote again. While the background noise continued, I decided to open up some mail. This probably wasn't a good idea on my part, since it brought my mood back down.

An envelope at the bottom of the letter addressed URGENT: PLEASE READ was mocking me in the face with the bright red packaging. I recognized the stamp from the hospital and it meant one of two things: either it was another letter telling me Andy's next chemo appointment, or it was a bill. Either way, I was about to get stressed out.

As soon as the letter was opened, I skipped over the entire paragraph that explained what it was about and looked at the bottom: where the numbers are. $4,500 stared up at me in big, bold letters. Because I have a shitty insurance, it'll only take off about 10% which still leaves me with a shit load of money. We originally began taking Andy to America when he was sixteen to get his chemotherapy done, since my parents were America, meaning we didn't get the free health care and our shitty insurance didn't cover it one bit. It was so expensive to switch him over, meaning we spent thousands of dollars each session to get plane tickets and the chemo. (A/N: Idk I'm kind of an idiot.)

As if it were a routine, I crumpled up the paper and threw it across the room, watching it land behind the television. I turned off the noise and placed my head in my hands, rubbing circles around my temples and trying to steady my breathing. There was no way I was getting paid enough to deal with this, and the fees that I still have to pay since my parents' accident. When my mom and dad got in the car crash that luckily took me away from their manipulative ways, they had left me and Andy with nothing and I was left to fend for myself. Since Andy is too sick half of the time to work, I've had to work double the amount of time I would have normally.

I was't going to cry though. I knew at that point I would have to take up new shifts at work, and maybe find another job. All of these thoughts ran through my mind, how many hours a week I could get sleep and then wake up and work another 20 hour shift maybe. Why the fuck didn't I go to university to study something that actually meant something, like law?

"Because you think law is boring, and you love to draw."

I hadn't noticed I said this out loud, or that Andy had walked through the door. I lifted my head up slowly, tears already brimming my eyes. "I just don't know what to do anymore..."

Andy didn't like to see me cry. He might be the older brother that actually cared, but he would always punch me in the shoulder and tell me it's not worth it. He taught me how to be strong, and it's only a once in a lifetime event that I even let a single tear drop for any reason other than lauging. He dropped his bag on the floor and pulled me into his lap. Running a had through my hair, he began with the mantra that I know so well at this point.

"I know it's getting hard, Carrion. We've been relying for so long on the money you've been making, and we've had so many reasons to go to the hospital within the last 14 years, what with the car crash, or me, or even your relapses...but it's going to get better. We're still so young that it has to get better."

I just began crying harder. "I don't know how you can lie to me like that because you and I both know it's not going to get better. I'm never going to be around to help you, I'm probably going to have to start working more shifts, if that's even possible, and I can't even have a life anymore. I'm not saying it's your fault, Andy, because it's mine."

He stared down at me, tears filling up his eyes, also. Never once have I seen my brother cry. Never once have I seen those laugh lines disintegrate into his skin. But it was happening, and I knew it was only going to get worse from there on out. "I hate seeing you like this Carrie. You're so stressed out, and you're drinking again. I'm afraid that you're going to do something you're really going to regret. Again." He didn't have to elaborate. We were both thinking the same thing: suicide.

"I promise I'm not going to do anything like that as long as you're around," I told him. He brushed a hand against my cheek, smearing the tears.

The corners of his mouth turned down. "And what about after I'm gone?"

I shrugged. "I can't promise you that."

We were sucked into the black hole that is quiet, thinking about what's going to happen within the next year or two. Anything could be around the corner really. There could be a plague for all we know.

I soon found myself fighting to keep my eyes open. All of the crying had made me beyond tired, and I realized that I would need a nap before my...date...tonight or else I'm going to be in a bad mood.

"Andy?"

"Hmm?"

"Wake me up at four."

And with that, blackness welcomed me and my nightmares began all over again.