All My Heart

15th January 2010
Weybridge, Surrey

The guys of You Me At Six didn't know what to do.

Dan was their best friend, and though he'd never been as 'happy-go-lucky' as Max was, they'd also never seen him so... Emotionless. He was alive, he was breathing, but his eyes were dead. He had no more life in his eyes and that terrified them all to no end.

Chris was really the only one who could comprehend his situation, empathise with him. He had lost his father as well and he never really talked about it, thus why he understood why Dan was being the way that he currently was.

The guys were at Dan's home, helping him to clean the place up since his mother and sister and Dan, himself, had been too devastated to do anything – resulting in stacks of papers, mostly hospital bills and funeral services planning and such, dirty dishes and clothes strewn across the floor, from when they'd rush to the hospital as they got news that Dave – his father – was barely going to make it past the next hour.

Dan absolutely hated himself for not being there for his father's last hours. Instead he'd been off playing a fucking concert.

The guys said that they would fully understand if he wanted to up and leave, but Dan knew that his father would want him to play the last three shows that they had, and end the tour. So he did just that. He never cried, he never talked, he never ate. He just played the shows, and he retreated into his bunk afterwards. And when he came back for the funeral planning, it was only then that he broke down.

He was a right mess, his tears never seeming to come to an end.

But he survived.

The guys were all so lost on what to do, but they decided that the only thing that they could do was so be completely there for him. And they were.

Josh had mentioned it countless of times, to Max and Matt, and his family, and even Aria, that the word 'proud' wouldn't be enough to describe how he felt of Dan and Chris – to be able to pull through a death in their immediate family.

Aria was the same, just that she actually told Dan of it every day.

She reminded him of how proud Dave was of him, of how he didn't disappoint his father, of how he wasn't a horrible son – because that seemed to be all that Dan could think of.

"He hasn't eaten in three days." Matt mumbled, concern colouring his tone.

"I've tried getting him to eat but he just... Won't." Max sighed.

"He's grieving." Chris said quietly. "I was the same when my father passed away. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I didn't do anything. He's doing the same. He's still in shock." The man with the long hair explained softly, looking at Dan with understanding in his eyes.

The guys all diverted their attention from Dan to Chris. Again, none of them could summarise how proud they were of the fact that both young men didn't give up. Sure, Dan was resembling a walking corpse, but he didn't try to drink himself to death, or harm himself in any way, and for that the guys were already so proud of.

"I'll get him to eat something." Aria's voice spoke quietly from behind them. They simultaneously turned to face the younger girl in a Kurt Cobain t-shirt with a leather jacket over it and skinny jeans, a Crumpler messenger bag hanging over one shoulder. She'd just gotten off from school, and she didn't even bother heading home first. She shot them a weak smile. "You lot should get some rest. Thanks for helping to clean up the house and stuff."

Josh smiled, pulling her into a one-armed hug. "We can stay," he offered, earning a shake of her head.

"We'll be fine." Aria smiled reassuringly.

Dan, who heard her from where he was sat on the couch, staring at the blank telly, swallowed the growing lump in his throat. Would he be fine? Would he, really?

He knew that he would be fine, eventually. But how long would it be till he was really, really fine?

"You have to eat something, love." Aria's soft voice snapped him out of his trance.

He let his eyes slide over to where his best friend was holding out a bagel over to him. He liked bagels. Bagels topped with an abundance of cream cheese were the best thing ever, but he just couldn't eat. He just wasn't hungry. His stomach was empty, as was the spot where his heart should be.

It broke him every day to know that he'd never get to see his father ever again.

"I miss him, too." Aria's voice brought him out of his thoughts once more. Dan looked down at his lap, only moving his fingers to curl around hers as she placed her hand in his.

"I'm sorry. And I'm not saying it because that's what people say when someone passes away. I'm saying it because I mean it. I'm sorry that Dave won't ever get to see You Me At Six gain more fame, I'm sorry Dave won't be able to watch you guys play a headlining tour, I'm sorry that Dave won't get to watch you bang on the drums while you play at... Wembley, or the O2, or something. I'm sorry that Dave won't ever get to see you get married or have kids. I'm just, –" she sighed softly. "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm so, so, so sorry."

"You lost him, too." Dan finally croaked out. "He – he told me, so many times, that when you got married, he'd want to walk you down the aisle."

Aria was silent then, watching him. "He said that?" She breathed out.

Dan nodded, squeezing her hand as he turned to look at her. "He was so proud of you. He is so proud of you."

"He's proud of you, too, you know." Aria smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder. She manoeuvred herself so that she was hugging him – arms wrapped around his shoulders while his went to wind around her waist with his face buried in her neck. She felt the tears finally spill onto her skin, and she quietly hushed him, petting his hair down to the nape of his neck as he cried.

When he finally calmed down, Aria, somehow, managed to get him to eat half a bagel. It wasn't much, but it was something. She smiled at him, never once letting go of his hand as he slowly tried to eat the piece of bread, just to make her less worried about his health.

From the doorway, Josh and Max, who'd just come by again to try and get Dan to eat because they didn't want Dan to pass out from the lack of food, watched as the two young people sat quietly. They didn't exchange words, they didn't do anything. They just sat, hand-in-hand, watching a blank television screen.

The two young men exchanged weak smiles before they turned back to head back to their own homes. Dan and Aria were literally all they both needed. Josh and Max were only waiting for the day that Dan would realise that.

***

20th April 2013
Pittsburgh, PA
en route to Philadelphia, PA

The only thing that could be heard was the sound of the engine of the bus rumbling as it drove on.

Since they'd had so many mishaps with the van that they had initially planned on doing the whole tour with, they just decided to get a bus. Their bus was absolutely fantastic, and they were pretty damn happy that they didn't have to sleep in crammed spots anymore and stop every hour or so for bathroom breaks, seeing as how they had a bathroom on their bus now.

Dan was laying on his back in his bunk, his fingers interlocked with each other as they rested on his bare stomach. He couldn't sleep, and he didn't know why.

He was tired – dead tired, in fact – but he just couldn't seem to fall asleep.

The drummer's mind was reeling with thoughts and he did not know how to shut the thoughts off. He just wanted to sleep and it was proving to be a massive challenge. He missed his mother, he missed his sister, and most of all, he missed his father.

He couldn't help but think: would his father be proud of him?

Many a time, Dan found himself wanting to be able to pick up his phone and give his dad a ring, asking him for advice on how to tell Aria that he was completely and ridiculously in love with her. He'd probably get a whole half hour filled with "I told you that this would happen, didn't I?" and "you're a bloody idiot for not realising that you liked her from the start", thrown in for good measure.

Apparently Dave knew that Dan was in love with Aria, even before the You Me At Six guys had figured it out. Perhaps it was because Dan really was his father's son. His father was once so much like Dan was currently. He didn't really believe in love and that relationships could really last, till he met Dan's mother. Of course, that made him threw all of his beliefs – or non-beliefs, if that made any sense – out the window.

Dan heaved a sigh, swinging his legs out of his middle bunk. He grabbed a pair of joggers and slid them on before he walked out of the bunk area. They'd stopped moving, so Dan assumed that they'd reached the venue. With one glance out the window, he realised that he was right. The bus driver smiled tiredly at Dan, who patted him on the shoulder as he made his way into his bunk. Dan picked up a random fitted sweatshirt that was laying idly on the leather sofa. It was a Down But Not Out sweatshirt, so Dan couldn't really tell who it belonged to. Josh was always generous with giving his mates free clothes from his clothing line, and they sometimes bought stuff from the website just to support him.

Dan walked into the back lounge, pushing open a door that led to the bus' roof. Once he'd climbed up there, like the little monkey he naturally was, he bent his knees and just... Sat.

It was a quiet night. There weren't any crickets, or owls, or anything. It was just silent.

The young man tilted his head back slightly, looking up at where stars scattered across the night sky like an artist had planted them on there like it was his canvas. His blue eyes landed on the brightest sky in the night.

"I miss you, Dad." Dan spoke quietly into the quiet night. "I wish you were here right now. I have so much to ask you, because I'm so... Confused. I've never felt like this before, and I," he sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"I want to wait for her, and I will wait for her, but I can't help but think... What if something happens to me before I get to tell her that I love her? Or what if something happens to her? I'll never be able to live with myself if something's happened to her, and I could've stopped it. Like... What if that dick head messes with her head so badly that she thinks about –" Dan gulped. "– killing herself?"

"What if she tries to kill herself and she dies thinking that the only person who loved her in a romantic way or whatever, was that arse? Or what if she just closes herself off, because she doesn't want to have another relationship, like, ever again?"

Dan blew out a breath, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

"I miss you so fucking much, Dad. I just need you now, I need advice, I need my Dad, I need – I need a father's advice to his son. You know me better than I know myself and it's been three years since you've been gone, and I honestly don't know how I've lived this long." He breathed a laugh then, shaking his head. "That's a lie. I do know how I've lived this long. I've pulled through, for Mum and Sarah. I've pulled through and I didn't give up because of the guys, because of Ari. They were all there for me, even when I didn't do anything. Even when I just sat there and didn't eat or sleep or do anything. You were right about them being the best friends I would ever need, Dad. You were right about me staying with the band and not giving up and leaving when times got rocky and shitty. You're always right, and I bet you're doing one of your odd happy dance because of how I'm finally admitting this, yeah?" Dan chuckled.

"It's funny... How I thought I really would never fall in love. I thought that I'd be content – living the rest of my life out as a bachelor. The free man. No commitment to anyone. And then you came in and started telling me bizarre things like that I was in love with my best friend. Then my best friends told me that I was in love with my best friend. Then my best friends girlfriends said the same thing, and I still didn't believe it. Maybe it was because I know that she was too good for me. She is too good for me. She's... She's way out of my league, really. She's amazing and I'm just... The guy that plays the drums in that one band.

"But every time she's around me, I feel weird. I get these... Butterflies in my stomach and it's so abnormal. I close my eyes and think about my future, and the only clear thing I see is her face. And she's not there as my best mate, she's there as my wife and that terrifies me. But at the same time, it comforts me, and it's so hard to explain because even I don't understand what the heck is going on. And it's like, I tell myself to give up on her, to let her find a man that would be good enough for, but I just... Can't.

"I think the thing that I was scared of was the fall." Dan admitted. "I think it's because I know that if I took the fall, if I jumped off the cliff, not knowing if anyone would be there to catch me, I wouldn't know how I would end up. I'm getting tired of all this fear. I am tired of this fear. But I'm not afraid to fall if someone's there to catch me. No, not just someone. I'm not afraid of the fall if Ari's there to catch me. When I'm on tour, and when I think of her – even before I realised that I was in love with her – I felt okay, because I knew that we were sharing the same sky, the same stars. It's always been her, and everyone's told me that, and I've only just realised it – after everything's that's happened."

The brown-haired man sighed. "I just need to know that she'll be there to catch me. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week. I just need to know that she'll be there to catch me, eventually. I just need to know that she'll still be there when I'm about to lose everything, when I'm at my weakest point. I just need to know that it's okay to fall, because she'll be there to catch me. But the thing is... I don't know if she'll be there, because I can't see that far down, and I've already taken the jump.

"I'm falling at a rapid pace, and I'm going to hit the ground, but I don't know if she's there to catch me. And the thing that scares me is that... I'm not afraid of the fall anymore."