All My Heart

21st/22nd January 2010
Weybridge, Surrey

A gentle knock on the wooden door leading to his bedroom door made Dan crack an eye open, looking at the closed door. The door opened then, and his best friend appeared in his line of sight, making him let out a silent sigh and cry of relief as she stepped into the room. Although he'd never admit it, he knew that he needed her so much in the past few days. He was depending solely on her to keep his sanity in tact – since he basically never left his room unless it was to make sure that his mum and sister were okay.

Dan hated being the one to have to stay strong, but he knew that he was now the man of the house. He had to take care of the two most important women in his life. It was what his father would have wanted.

Aria shut the door behind him, shooting him a tentative smile. Dan made a small whining sound from the back of his throat as he rolled over so that he was cuddled the pillow even harder, popping open his other eye. In his sadness and morbid self, he still managed a smile at how adorable she looked.

She'd done her hair up in a high ponytail, and she was wearing a striped white and green dress that ended at her mid-thigh, then she had skin coloured tights under that – since she would freeze if she didn't – and a pair of white high-top Converse on her feet; ones that Dan had bought for her for Christmas, actually. She had her coat hanging over her arm and her bag slung across her shoulder as she walked in – smiling over at him again.

"Hello," Aria spoke, placing her coat and bag on the floor, at the foot of his bed.

"Hi," he croaked out, voice raspy from how he hadn't spoken in a while, sniffling as he spoke. "You look pretty."

"Thank you," she smiled shyly, taking a seat beside him on the bed. "You look like shit." He let out a short laugh, instantly making her smile. "There's the smile I've missed."

He bit down on his bottom lip, turning to bury his face into his pillow as she chuckled lightly. "Piss off."

"In a while," Aria said in response, and he turned his head to look at her curiously. She shrugged her shoulders slightly at him, an apologetic grin spreading across her face. "My mates from school... They've been bugging me about going out so I finally said yes. I would rather stay here but – "

"– It's fine," Dan interrupted quickly. "You don't need to stay here. I'll be fine. I'm fine."

And though that was a big, fat lie, he nodded; as though trying to convince himself more than her. Aria had been spending everyday – since he'd gotten back – with him; helping with the funeral, helping to take care of his mum and sister (and him), and just being an amazing human being. She was hurting, too, it was obvious, but she never showed it. It was only when the sun went down and Dan found enough energy and stopped loathing himself about not being home for his father's last days, that he pulled her in his arms and told her that it was okay for her to cry, because she lost him, too. His father wasn't a stranger to Aria. His father was practically a father to Aria, too.

But even though she felt the pain of the loss, she could still move on quicker. She was still sad – you could see it in her eyes – but she was trying to move forward. Dan had heard her telling herself, whilst looking at herself in the mirror: "He's in a better place now. It was his time to go, and he's probably happy wherever he is."

Dan tried to use that mantra on himself, but it just didn't work the way he thought it was working for Aria.

He turned to the younger girl, then. She was still looking at him, nibbling slightly on her bottom lip, unsurely.

"I'm gonna go give my mates a ring," she mumbled after a while, giving him a half-smile, before she made a move to get off the bed.

Dan frowned, "Why?"

"To tell them I can't make it tonight. You need – "

"– you to go out." Dan interrupted, the smallest of smiles on his lips. "I know you're upset about Dad, too, but you've been so strong, taking care of me and mum and Sarah and... Go out, Ari. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"But you're not," she spoke so softly, as though talking to herself.

The elder chose to ignore it. "Go. I'll be fine."

-----

Everything hurt. His heart hurt, his brain hurt, his eyes hurt. Just everything.

Dan groaned as he brought a hand up to rub at his temples. He tried to crack open his eyes, only to immediately shut them once the sunlight streamed into his pupils. He rolled over, only to bump into another body. He frowned, eyes opening the slightest bit – only to see that his best friend was asleep next to him, still in her dress from the day before.

As he cuddled up to her, he tried to recall what had happened the night before. He only remembered cracking open a can of beer. Then he probably had more drinks. Wasn't that much, really. He'd only had three bottles of whiskey, two large cans of beer, and three quarters of a bottle of vodka. Only that.

Aria turned to her side, looking at him through sleepy eyes. "Are you okay?" She asked again, though something told him that she already knew the answer to that.

Knowing him, he'd probably drunk dialled her, thus why she was sleeping next to him whilst in the same clothes from the day before. She must've been out till late, and then got the call, and then had to take care of his drunk ass; which made her tired and prompted her to pass out without bothering to get a change of clothes.

He sighed softly, burying his face in her shoulder. Dan shook his head. "No, I'm not," he mumbled, finally accepting out loud that he wasn't okay, and he probably wouldn't be for a while. "I'm a fucking wreck. I feel like a disappointment, I'm such a crap person, I'm a horrible son, I – I'm not okay," he finally confessed, speaking his thoughts through a muffled voice, but Aria still heard him.

"You're not a disappointment. You're the total opposite of all those things that you said you are," she spoke into his ear, patting down his hair down to the nape of his neck.

"Yes I am,"

"Well, I'm surprised you didn't get alcohol poisoning. Thank God you didn't, though," Aria spoke nonchalantly, making him crack the tiniest of smiles even though his face was still out of her view. She ruffled his hair a bit, chuckling lightly. "You're one of the best human beings I know, Dan. Don't ever think otherwise."

"What kind of 'best human being you know' would make you take care of them for two fucking weeks?" He scoffed, finally pulling away to lay on his back. "I've made this January horrible for you, I'm sorry."

"Hey," Aria nudged him, propping herself up on her elbow. "I'm your best friend. I'll always be here for you. Don't forget that. And my January was already deemed horrible the day that... Yeah..."

Dan sighed again, shutting his eyes momentarily. Then suddenly he sprang up, sitting upright, ignoring the protests from his weak body and throbbing head. "What date is it today?"

"The 22nd..." Aria replied slowly, frowning lightly.

"I forgot your birthday?" He asked, complete horror in his tone and facial expression.

She breathed a chuckle, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter." Dan made a move to protest, but Aria shook her head again, giving him a small smile. "If you want to get me something for my birthday then I'll only accept one thing. You to be happy again. It's what Dave would want, and it's what I want."

Dan blinked at her, "Why do you care so much about me?" He questioned softly. So softly.

"Because you're my best friend and I love you. To the moon and back."

***

3rd May 2013
Chicago, IL

What Rian Dawson had told him, while in Towson, about telling Aria before he lost the chance to, plagued his mind everyday from then on.

He knew that Aria could damn well meet a bloke while on tour, maybe even hit it off with one of the other band/crew members. He knew that. And that terrified him, because then how would he ever get to have her and call her his? Dan wanted nothing more than to be the one who was always there for her. He already was – but it was in a friend way. He didn't like that word suddenly. Hated it.

He wanted more. He wanted to be able to kiss her, to hold her in his arms, tell her that he loved her.

With each passing day, and every little dumb thing that she did, Dan fell more and more in love with Aria. He tried to stop it, to save himself from the fall and the pain of heartbreak that he would have to endure if he ever saw her with another man, but he couldn't. Just a little thing like her laughing at his corny jokes would make him fall just a little bit more in love with her.

But the more he fell in love with her, the more he felt his heart break when he saw her upset.

The guys of You Me At Six, and their crew, were in the arena, doing their soundcheck. They'd go for a meal afterwards, and maybe then Aria would tag along for that. She had woken up with a massive migraine and all of the boys – Dan, more than the others – fussed over her, demanding that she down a couple of painkillers and then head back to bed. If she woke up with the migraine still there, they were going to bring her to the hospital – even if it meant having to tie her up just to get her in there.

They were all protective over the girl and Dan would never be not grateful about that.

Dan walked onto the bus, his intentions only set on checking up on her. But when he boarded the empty bus and saw her in the back lounge, back against the leather sofa whilst with a hand covering her mouth and tears streaming down his face, Dan swore that he felt his heart wither away through the slots of his ribcage.

"Ari..." He whispered, slipping silently into the room and crouching down next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Shh, you're okay, it's okay. You're okay," he hushed quietly, pulling her into his chest.

Only he never was able to do that, because she pulled away from him. She got to her feet, eyes ablaze as she shook her head. "I'm not okay, Dan!" She exclaimed through a sob, a hand running through her already messy hair. "I'm a fucking mess! I want to go home, I want my mum to tell me it'll all be alright and I... I just want my mum," she trailed off in a whisper, sounding like nothing but a distraught child.

Dan got to his feet, too, slowly approaching her. "Ari..."

"I was going to kill myself that day," she spoke suddenly, her voice quiet but cutting through everything like a knife. Dan's body froze and his blood ran cold as he stared at her, mouth slightly agape.

He had two guesses as to which day Aria was referring to, but he knew that she was referring to the most recent one. She was referring to the day she'd come home after James.

"I felt so... Violated. I felt dirty. And I wanted nothing more than to... Run into my mother's arms, have her hold me and tell me everything would be okay in the end. But I didn't get that because my mother is dead. I'm practically an orphan. I have nothing to live for. The one kinda good thing that happened to me since mum passed... I thought things were finally turning around. I thought I was finally going to be happy," her voice cracked on the last word.

Aria let out a mirthless laugh then, shaking her head as she roughly ran her fingers through her hair, out of her face. "But then he just had to be a fucking dick and do... Do that." She spat, then she turned to Dan. "I was ready to kill myself. Slit my wrists, down some pills and drink too much vodka for my body to handle. Then you said you were coming and I didn't."

"That's good, then, isn't it?"

"No, it isn't!" She cried out. "Look at me, Dan. I'm pathetic. Even someone as sick in the mind as James knew how pathetic I was. I'm better off – "

"Don't say it," Dan cut her off, voice dangerously low and normally light eyes turning dark. "Don't you fucking dare complete that sentence, Aria."

"Why not?" She forced out a short laugh. "It's true. We both know it."

"I know no such thing," he said in a determined tone, eyes narrowing on at her. "What good would killing yourself do, huh? You think that killing yourself is the only way out? Wake up, Aria. You'd be doing more harm than good. Imagine the person finding you. What if one your aunts come by the day you do it? Then what if your little niece is the one to find you like that? Not moving. Not breathing. Fucking dead. What – you think people would say I'm glad she's dead? They'd fucking die inside, Ari. Their hearts will break. Every person that you've ever spoken to will wish that they'd known you better so that they could've stopped it. They would wish that they'd smiled at you, or that they'd asked you about your day. No one will be okay."

"I can tell you for a fucking known fact that I would not be okay. You are everything to me, and if you... If you killed yourself," his throat choked up as he spoke. He shook his head, taking in a deep breath and shutting his eyes before re-opening them to stare at her. "I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

She was silent then, only looking at him. There were tears threatening to start dripping from the corners of her eyes again – just like they were before.

"Why do you even care so much?" Aria finally spoke, a lone tear dripping out of the corner of her eye – though he knew that it was the product of several different emotions coursing through her veins. Anger. Confusion. Fear. Sadness. Pain.

"Why?" He repeated incredulously, his voice no higher than a breath's whisper. "Why do I care?"

"You heard me," she sniffled, eyes still gazing hard right at him while glassy. "Why do you even fucking bother? Why couldn't you have just left me alone that day? Why did you have to come over and ruin everything?"

Dan looked at her, blue eyes ablaze with a fire of anger and utmost frustration. "'Ruin everything'? Is that what I did? Because I think I stopped you from fucking killing yourself! That's not ruining any-fucking-thing," he hissed, taking a step closer to her. "Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why I bother with you? Do you want to know why I can't and won't ever leave you alone?"

Aria said nothing, only staring up at him with steely stained glass eyes; more grey than blue in the moment, though still lit with a fury so deep.

"It's because I'm fucking in love with you, you dumb fuck!" Dan yelled so loudly that Aria jumped slightly, taking a small step back as her eyes widened in shock as her mind processed the words that her best friend had just yelled at her.

She blinked and he let out a mirthless laugh, long fingers tugging at his hair. "Yeah, that's right," he let out a single breathy and humourless laugh. "I fell in love with my best friend. Everyone said it would happen and I laughed, but they're having the last laugh now, because I am so ridiculously in love with you that I don't know what I would ever do if something were to happen to you. And this isn't me just being selfish and not wanting to live without my best friend. No. This is about me being selfish because I don't ever want to take another breath if the fuckin' love of my life doesn't exist anymore."

Dan took another step forward. She didn't move away. Rather, she looked at him – her eyes showing a flurry of different emotions that Dan couldn't pick out which was which.

He took a deep breath in, shutting his eyes for a brief moment before opening them once more so that he could look at her. "And I know this probably messes things up between us, but I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I wouldn't. I needed you to know. To know that... That I need to you live. I need you."