Cougar

--
* (back in time again y’all.)
--

Ally’s fingers traced around the edges of the circular scars on my inner forearm. She sat in front of me on her couch, legs crossed, body turned towards me. Her blonde hair was up in a messy bun, and pieces of it hung in her face as she tilted her head to look at each scar and cut.

My arms were in her lap, palms up. I didn’t have a shirt on so she could silently scan my scars. I was facing the TV more than her, but would look every so often when she would take the tip on her index finger and drag it over my skin.

I focused on the news forecast that took up the telly screen. The time read 2:44am.

Neither of us could sleep apparently, and she had gotten up to get a drink, saw I was up, and here we are.

“What are these from?” she asked, continuing to trace the scars on my inner elbow. Her head tipped up as she added, “They’re not like the other ones.”

Doing heroin. Yeah, no. I wasn’t telling her that.

“Cigarette burns,” I said, tipping a nod to a set of nearly similar scars that were scattered on my right arm. “Those are, too,” which they were.

She took a second before she nodded, looking back down. One of her hands went to grab my left hand while the other hand slid up my arm. It glided over my shoulder and she lightly pressed down. Knowing what she was trying to look at, I let go of her hand to turn around so my back was facing her.

She looked at me before taking her hands and gliding them up to my shoulder blade. Her fingers hovered over the bruise, then they slid down to a spot on the right side of my back.

Another bruise.

Ally kept them there for a couple seconds until she pulled them away completely, moving to left side of my back.

“That’s eczema?” Feeling her touch the raised edges of the lightly scabbed area of skin, I nodded. Around the edges were red and tensing under her fingers. She asked quietly, “Does it hurt?”

“Hell yes, like Satan’s poking it with a spork.”

She recoiled away.

“Oh,” she laughed slightly. “Sorry. What are these?” she asked again, fingertip running diagonally left across my back and then diagonally right.

I couldn’t think of a lie. I froze, staring at the ground with wide eyes as I tried to think of one. What could cause that other than what really caused them? She wouldn’t react lightly to knowing they were scars from being lashed by a belt.

Eh. I could always tell her the truth. Maybe it would be a good thing if she knew. She could do something about it.

But before I could stop myself, the lie sprint out.

“Sex.”

I facepalmed myself with a brick.

“Oh,” she said with a taken back laugh. “Lethal.”

*anxious chuckle*

“Yup.”

“And this is from eczema, right?” She was touching the dry, scaly patch of skin. I nodded.

“Yup.”

“And the bruises are from your dad, correct?”

“Yu -…” I caught her little mind game at the last second and stopped myself. “Nope.” I knew she had forced a smile and felt the smile fall when she pressed her forehead against my non-bruised shoulder blade.

“Yes, they are,” she sing-songed, rubbing her head against me.

“No, they’re not,” I mocked her, bending forward quickly. Her head dropped down and she groaned at me.

“Wow, okay.” Her hand suddenly came up and grabbed a hand full of my hair. She yanked on it roughly.

I wailed out a groan, knocking her hand back but she yanked harder.

“I’m not telling you!”

“Whhhhyyyy?” she whined, finally letting go. I slung forward and gripped lightly onto the bit of hair she almost succeeded at ripping out of my head.

“Because - you’re a meanie.”

She scowled at me before sighing, dropping her head back onto my shoulder. I was shocked when her hands snaked around my waist as she pulled me in for a hug. I laughed, a bit confused, but let her, tipping my head back to prop against hers.

“Have you...told the cops yet about New York?”

“Nope.”

“You should,” she mumbled. Her eye lashes tickled my skin every time she blinked. Knowing she was right, I shrugged.

“Probably, but…nah. Mrs. Orr told me the same thing.”

“Then you definitely should.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to.”

She sighed loudly again, but didn’t say anything. Wanting to lie down, I allowed myself to slip backwards. After laughing, Ally slumped back and I was resting the back of my head on her chest. We hooked our fingers together and fell asleep like that.

At least I did.

She woke me up around five a.m. then left abruptly to take a shower.

Ugh. I hope this doesn’t become a habit. I’m not forced awake til half past six, the earliest.

After Ally showered, it was Hottie’s turn. Blah, blah. Then we left for the school building. I talked with Ally for a few minutes once we got to school, then I went to look for Ellie and Damien. I didn’t get any texts back from them last night other than an ‘alright.’

Suspecting they were probably in the cafeteria for breakfast, I made a turn for it. The fairly large room was bustling with unnaturally loud and mouthy teens as if they forgot about the hour of morning it was.

Their annoying voice made me cringe and that’s what Damien was greeted with when I dropped down into the brown plastic chair beside him. All the others around him were up, including the one across.

I guess El wasn't here yet.

“Mornin,’” he smiled at me, plucking off a small section of donut. He tossed it into his mouth. Propping my chin against my palm, I closed my eyes, mumbling a ‘hello.’ He went on to ask, “How ya goin’?” He really managed to stick to the true Aussie way of talking, though we’ve been far from there for about three or four years.

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this fifty times; you get it. I’ll shut up about Australia now, okay. I just miss it, I guess.

“Fine,” I answered shortly. I would’ve said more, but I was getting a headache. I should’ve stayed with Ally. Her room’s pretty quiet. I made myself ask, “Where’d you and Ellie stay at?”

“Ellie stayed at Shelby’s - of course - and I stayed with a friend. He’s in the line now.”

“Oh. Good.”

Seeing I wasn’t really up for talking, he had gone back to eating.

I focused on his face, but mainly his right cheek. I found myself scowling at the smooth, porcelain-like complexion he had. Now, I barely get acne and all that, but - I sighed - that stupid scar.

A thing that sucks about having an identical twin, you seem to compare yourself to them in every way - especially if you're not one-hundred percent identical.

I envied his dumb face.

I sat up from my hunched over position to let out a grumble. Ugh. I want to go talk to Ally. I was about to ask Damien where Ellie was at the moment when I was stunned by the chair across from Damien being taken down. I expected to see my sister or any of the friend’s we’ve all made since moving here. I instead saw the person’s earring when it caught the light’s reflection and blinded me.

Agh!

I squinted and saw - what’s his name - Fabio?

Alright, description time, ‘cuz holy hell. Don’t believe I went into deets of his appearance. One word to describe it: Spicy. That’s it. Hot hot.

Okay, no seriously. He reminded me of Drew Roy; hair, eyes, yup. It’s was nice. He had such a nice jawline and face and hot damnnnn.

I was suddenly bewildered at the thought.

Did I just…fangirl over another guy? Uhm. Let’s pretend I didn’t. I've never went that crazy over a dude before. Only chicks, so...but whatever, right? Guys can think other guys are attractive without it foreshadowing anything. Come on now.

But goddamn. He was so cute.

Time slowed and sound faded out for a moment when he flashed a smile down at me.

“Twins,” he observed, sliding into the seat. “Interesting.” He threw his Poptart in front of him, scooting in. For some reason, I noticed he wasn’t slouching at all, unlike me; I felt the urge to sit up straight and did.

What the fuck is happening?

I slumped back into my chair as Fabio continued talking.

“I’ve meet you before,” he said, gesturing to me, “haven’t I?”

Our first meeting popped into my head and I wanted to tell him no.

I shrugged, glancing up at the ceiling.

“I believe so.”

“Really? When?” Damien asked, moving slightly to get in my view. He glimpsed at Fabio.

Fabio said, smiling, “Bathroom.” His smile fell for a second then came back up. Damien laughed.

“Romantic.”

Fabio cracked another smile at me and my heart did something really dumb. It felt like it stopped for a moment; fluttered, if you will.

Like one big gay butterfly.

But that I’m not. Girls are my favourite thing ever, if you haven’t noticed.

My heart fluttered like one big bi butterfly. There, better.

I stared at Fabio’s hand when it was suddenly inches away from my face. “Michael,” he introduced himself as. I suddenly loved that name.

“Tyler,” I said back, taking his hand in mine. We shook them before I drew mine back quickly. “Well,” I threw myself into a sitting position and slid out of the chair. “Gonna go talk to McClain. Uhm, later, gay-tors.”

Ah, snap. Sick burn.

Damien grinned up at me as they both said their goodbye and I tried to walk calmly out of the caf.

-

“Many took part in the Salem witch trials purely because of boredom. It was a small, little town. They had nothing to do. And…” Mr. Owen bent his nose down as he referred down to the couple sentences we just read out of The Crucible. A bit of Abigail Williams’ dialogue. “…Abby says Goody Proctor’s spirit came to her and made her have ‘impure thoughts’ - this was a way they could blame others for their own wrongdoing. Because, at the time, having sexual thoughts and urges was often a no-no - ‘She’s blackening my name.’ She is, not me; I have no control over my own thoughts and actions.”

The class pity laughed.

“And as we know, John Proctor commits adultery with Abigail Williams; he’s a married and grown man, sleeping with a young teen, but if they blame it on witchcraft…not their fault. They were ‘forced to do it.’ Alright?”

I saw a couple nods from around the room. He signalled for Kayla to read Abigail’s next line, but caught sight of the clock. About half the class turned to glance at the time.

11:18.

“Actually,” he said, slipping a couple sheets of paper into the Lit book. He flipped it closed. The class followed suit. “We’ll pick up there tomorrow, then watch a part of the movie.”

A guy in front of me named Tristian cheered at the last bit of Owen’s sentence before hopping up to sit on his friend’s desk, which was right next to me. Everyone else broke into small conversations. The one going on beside me - with Tristian and his friend, Sheldon - was the loudest.

I tried to ignore them as they babbled about this Friday night’s football game. Waiting for the bell, I pushed my notebook into my backpack, hopping they wouldn’t try to include me in their conversation.

Spoiler alert: they did.

Sheldon laughed to Tristian, only making half his sentence coherent.

All I got was, “…like, I’d go for a hot teacher, like Otte or somethin’.”

“Or McClain,” Tristian said. Well, my interest has been peaked. My eyes flickered briefly to my right and I bit back a scoff. Like she’d go for him. He added, pretending to swoon, “I’d - oh, god. She’s just…”

Sheldon laughed, knocking his book side-to-side in his hands.

“Right? Oh, wait.” He brushed his fingers against his chin. I felt like he was aiming it at me, so I glanced up. Tristian seemed to already know what Sheldon was going to say; they matched condescending smiles. He said, “McClain’s already taken - isn’t that right, Tyler?”

“I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.” I stole a look at the clock and saw we were still at 11:18. Their laughs were accompanied by them clapping their hands together.

“Oh, okay. ”

“Yeah, not fooling anybody,” Tristian chuckled, fixing his drawstring backpack over his shoulders. “Everybody knows something is going on.”

“Like she’s my teacher and that’s it?”

“If I was boning my teacher…” Sheldon paused to laugh. “I’d brag about it nonstop - especially if I was fucking McClain. I’d own up to that shit.” I felt a glare building up; does that mean he thought about fucking her?

She’s mine and no one else’s. Who does he think he is? If that’s the worst you got better put your fingers back to the key. (Author: One, believe it, one more time. Thanks For the Memories even though they weren’t so great. and okay sorry bye.)

Instead of letting my scowl come through, I made my tone sound like I was joking as I laughed. “And here lies the difference between you and I.” They matched my laugh, but didn’t get to retort with anything, being interrupted by the fifth period bell ringing.

I bolted up and out of my seat before they tried to strike up the conversation again.

I headed for my locker, which was conveniently right next to my English class. I bobbed and weaved through the oncoming traffic, finally reaching number 142. I quickly twisted in my combo, fishing the lock off.

I plopped my text book into my locker and grabbed my geography book. On my way back up from my crouching position, I flinched as a hand laced though my hair. My wide eyes jerked to my right, expecting to see someone standing there.

No one.

I glanced to my left and locked eyes with, errr, Fabio. He gave me a look over his shoulder, but kept on walking. I fabricated a smile when I saw him throw me one.

He probably thought I was Damien -…no. Damien was at his side, hands flailing around over exaggeratedly as he rambled a story out.

Uh. Alright?

I gave my attention back to closing my locker. Pushing the book under my arm, I turned for Yunker’s room where Ellie and I both earned lunch detentions.

No big deal, so nothing to go into detail about - the class nor detention. I didn’t get to eat with McClain. Boo. But oh, well.

-

Conversations didn’t bother to stop when I walked into the living room later that day. He lounged back on the couch, a bottle of booze in one hand and a nebula themed hookah pen in the other, rattling on to the circle of ‘bff’s that crowded around our coffee table, each trying to get a line the same time Vanessa was splitting them up.

She swatted a hand away and snapped to the impatient Mark, “Chill the fuck out. I’m going as fast as I can, Jesus fucking Christ, Osmet – hey, babe.”

I forced a tight smile V’s way when she spotted me trying to get to the kitchen unnoticed. I ended up having to send it to five other faces when everyone looked up at me.

Ness continued talking - I don’t know why I gave her nicknames; she a terrible person.

“You’re up late,” she said, finally setting the razor blade down, content with the equal lines of coke she made, only to have to sit back quickly to let the hordes of druggies push her out of the way so they could be snorted clean off the tabletop.

Keeping my walk to the kitchen, I got a look at the oven’s clock, acknowledged that it read half-past twelve at night, and said, “I’m hungry.” The response earned throaty laughs from people who were high off their asses.

“I could go for Taco Bell,” I heard Sara remark as she rubbed the back of her hand roughly against her nose.

A thick Aus drawl hinted, “I could go for another beer.”

From the open fridge, I grabbed myself a half-empty red Gatorade and for my dad, a Bud Weiser. I was made to fetch a Heineken for Vanessa when she shouted a request, as well. I mumbled a, “Got it,” letting the fridge slam shut. Grabbing a thing of Pringles, I carried the load to the living room, handing the beers to their new respective owners.

V straightened her back to press a big kiss onto my jaw, saying that was her thank you, taking the drink from me. I attempted to avoid the contact of the eyes with his scornful grey daggers and failed. He snatched his beer from my hands and cracked the tab back.

I don’t get him. One second he thinks what she does is the funniest thing, then the next it’s like he’s jealous.

He had that look…feeling up-showed by her.

I wasn’t sleeping tonight.

I turned my back to the group and went to my room quickly, shutting the door behind me, going blind in the dark room. I was sleeping earlier before I went out for a drink, so the TV was off, but I flipped it back on, dropping down into my bed.

I tore into my snack and fell asleep to reruns of Dual Survival, being forced awake to sloppy neck kisses. The set of lips and the frantic manner wasn’t unfamiliar and, though my heart had begun to race, I kept my composure and grumbled, “V, I’m tired.” I was able to keep my emotions at bay until she brought her revolting kiss to my mouth and her hands to the waistband of my pyjama bottoms.

On instinct, I kicked my leg out and pushed her back, yipping, “No. Stop.”

But she chuckled and shoved me, fixing herself right back where she was. I know – I know I should’ve just closed my eyes and let her get what she wanted, but something snapped in my mind as it raced. I smacked her hard across the face and she finally yanked away from me to grip onto her jawline.

In the glow from the TV, I saw her scowl and any mercy she had had left the building.

She came back with two hard shoves against my chest and a countless amounts of slaps to my face. Her tantrum enraged when I grimaced and shoved her once. Once.

She hit harder and faster, cussing at me like an Australian. Every part of me screamed to fight back, but I knew from experience, it was best to just let her do what she wants. Her smacks continued to come even after I dropped my head back and closed my eyes, clearly choosing not to fight anymore.

Soon, she stopped whipping her hands at me and used them to yank my shirt up as she went back to kissing my jaw.

The whimper I tried so hard to keep in came out when she tugged the waistband of my bottoms down and fixed her mouth below my waist. The tears were building up and I pushed the palms of my hands hard against my eyes. It was for nothing. The rougher her mouth and hands got, the harder it was to hold in my cries. It was the sound of her gagging on it that pushed me to the brink.

I took in choppy breaths, the tears rolling down my cheeks. What the fuck is wrong with her? Why would you want to do that to someone?

Under my ragged crying was something that made me feel so pathetic.

I became aware that I was blubbering like a baby, just sobbing, “Please, please, please, please,” over and over again as if it had any effect on her. She was unstoppable. Her assault seemed to end when she sat back and got up from the bed. I stayed with my hands covering my eyes, the crying unceasing.

My heart leapt, hearing her feet shuffling against the carpet and then her jeans drop to the ground. The bed creaked again and I soon felt her get on top of me one more time. Her head went into the nook of my neck and she moaned, pushing it inside her.

The nauseating feeling made my arms get a mind of their own. I smacked her hard and jabbed her in the chest. This time it wasn’t for nothing.

She stumbled back. I kicked her until she groaned and that’s when the worst thing happened.

Vanessa was yanked up and off the bed, her back being slammed against the closed closet door. He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard, getting her to shed some tears of her own each time he was too rough and the back of her head made contact with the door.

He dug his nails into her arm and dragged her towards the open door of my room. He shoved her into the doorframe twice before pushing her out into the hall. I heard her cry out, hitting the bathroom door unwillingly.

If I was stupid, I would’ve believed he was standing up for me and giving Vanessa what she deserved, but the narrow glare he gave me sent a chill up my spine and I pulled my knees to my chest to cry.

I jumped in surprise when my door was slammed shut and in an instant, my legs were yanked straight and I was pulled to lay flat on my bed. He didn’t hold back. He wasted no time with slaps. He punched me in the gut again and again, jerking my hands away each time I tried to hide my face.

I could deal with bruises anywhere besides my face. People would see. Not that he would let that happen anyway.

But it was like he was going to forget that tonight. I cried out in shock when I was yanked right off the mattress and dropped to cower in between the bed and the bedside table. Kicks struck my ribs, but I didn’t go to cover anywhere besides my face.

He suddenly stopped. I tensed hearing him undo his belt. It promptly lashed my skin, leaving red scratches behind. Again, he stopped abruptly to yank me to my knees and grab a handful of my hair, pushing my face into my mattress.

I cried when the whipping continued, harder than before. I could feel my skin rip and tear and had to bite the edge of the mattress to keep from screaming.

It felt like it dragged on and on. Each time he would stop, I waited for him to throw me onto the bed and finish what Vanessa started, but he never did. The whipping went on for ages, to the point where I stopped being able to feel his belt leave gashes on my skin.

In that time, I wondered where Baby was. I hope she’s okay.

As if on cue, the sound of her loud and snarling barks hit my ears. They were muffled and coming from the other side of that closed door. It’s almost like her barking registered to him at the same time they did to me.

I no longer felt the tingling of the belt across my back. My head snapped to watch him rip the door open to reveal the unwavering dog snarling like I’ve never heard before. Her aggressive demeanour stayed intact as he hissed at her to shut up and get out of here or he was going to whip her.

Her barking grew louder but went straightaway into a whimper when he actually did crack the belt back and lash it against her. I expected her tail to drop between her legs, but she regained herself and barked defiantly, dodging the belt.

She ran into the room, over to me and stood in front of me, snarling viciously at him.

His eyes narrowed at her then at me. His finger was pointed in my direction.

“You better watch that damn dog,” he said gruffly. The first thing he’s said since he came in here. But that was all. The dark stare that came after was the last thing I got from him before I yet again jumped at the door being slammed shut.

The reverb caused the door to crack back open; I found it was now refusing to shut when I hopped up from the ground to lock it. I slumped back and dropped onto my bed, feeling utterly exhausted and weak.

The need to cry was still there, but no tears came out.

Well, I ain’t fucking staying here.

My window stuck to the pane when I tried to force it open and I frowned. I snuck a look behind me to survey my dark, quiet room, eyes going to my door. Slightly ajar. A small sliver of light from the hall shined through, reminding me he was out in the living room with a group of his ‘buddies’.

I turned back to my window and tried desperately again to push it up, but it wouldn’t budge. I wanted to throw my TV through it, anything, to just get me a way out of here.

I sat back onto my bed after a few more failed attempts and scratched Baby's head as she whimpered to me. I decided to try Ellie’s window. Neither her nor Damien were here again tonight, selfishly leaving me all alone. I got up and headed for my door, taking a quick peek out into the hallway. To my right was the basement door and further down was the living room - clanking beer bottles getting set on the coffee table made me want to die.

His ‘friends’ did nothing while he was in here - beating me.

Nothing. They never do anything.

Who would just sit there?

I glanced to my left at the dark end of the hallway. Across from me was the bathroom door, next to that was him and Vanessa’s room. Two doors shared this side of the wall with me, Ellie and Damien’s room. Both doors were shut.

My door thankfully didn’t creak when I pushed it open and neither did Ellie’s when I went into her room, Baby trailing at my side. It was also dark, but, after closing the door, I focused on the stream of light from a streetlamp and felt my way over to the window.

Its latch wasn’t locked and I easily pulled it up.

“Tyler?”

I nearly shat myself, hand immediately going to be placed over my heart. I squinted when a rectangle of bright light was shined at me as the person flicked their phone in my direction.

“Ellie?” Please be her.

Thankfully, she replied with, “Yeah? What’re you doin’? I took a step back from the window, and still being blinded, I looked quickly at the ground, my hand going up to shield my eyes, hoping she’d get the hint.

Muttering an, “Oh, sorry,” she put the phone to sleep.

“How long have you been here?” I asked instead. If she was here the entire time…and didn’t do anything either…

“Just got back,” she said, audibly sitting up. She flicked on her little lamp she had attached to the head of her bed. Its purple tinted light bulb made anything white in her room intensify. She had bought the black light about a week ago and has called me in here so, so often to rub it in my face.

She grinned wickedly at me, eyes trailing around her room.

“Jelly?”

“You’re dumb.”

She stuck her tongue out at me before asking, “Why? What happened? Why are you trying to sneak out my window, you dag? Why's Baby here?”

Showing instead of telling, I turned my back to her and yanked my shirt up for her to see the fresh lashes running in the shape of an X. They burned from the breeze of air coming in through the open window, but was nothing compared to how it felt to get them.

“That just happen?” she asked quietly. I could hear the regret in her voice. Before I could respond, she brought her hand up to her lips. “I shouldn’t have left; I’m so sorry. I - I thought you were goin’ to McClain’s like usual. I…”

“It’s fine.” I fished my shirt back down. “I was going now, but…you’re back.”

“You can go,” she said, shaking her head. Ellie slid to the foot of her bed. She was dressed in the same outfit she wore to school - Seahaven jumper, denim skinny jeans, complete with her grey Converse All-Star’s. “I’ll just go back to Shelby’s. I told her if you weren’t home, I’d be coming back. I was only in bed because I thought you were Dad.”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“It’s cool. Shelby and I had sex,” she said with another wicked grin. I had to stop myself from saying ‘Oh, same.’ When she kept talking, the words completely went away. “Like an hour before I came home. It was pretty great.”

“Ellie.” The confession was trying to resurface. It was right there. Her face fell at the tone of my voice.

“What?” she said, slightly taken back. “We’ve been datin’ for a few months. That’s not bad.”

“It’s not that. It’s-…” Maybe I should talk to Shelby about this before I bring it up to her girlfriend. I mean, they weren’t even dating when it happened, so does it really even matter?

“Never mind.”

“No, what?”

Unable to think of a lie, I went for the window again, sliding my leg through its gap. “It’s nothing,” I said again, gripping onto the wall to steady myself. I hopped out onto the ground, less than a foot or two below. I beckoned Baby to join me and she did.

Once Ellie climbed through, I asked, “Which way ya goin’?”

She hitched her thumb to the left, yanking the window shut.

“That way - what were you goin’ to say? I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I never said you did.”

“But you were going to say something - what was it?” she prodded even more. Her blue eyes narrowed then drooped. “Did she do something?” Her tone made me frown. I don’t think she wanted the answer as she pouted up at me.

I hesitated.

“No.”

“Then what?”

The truth leapt out.

“I slept with her.”

Oh, God. Why did I tell her? I wanted to throw this whole dialogue into the Tardis, off into another dimension, never to be found again.

She blinked up at me, face becoming more solemn each second.

Finally - “You what? Are you serious?”

I stiffly nodded. She suddenly barrelled both her palms against my chest, knocking me back a few inches. My skin was already stinging. That didn’t help. Baby had begun to growl at Ellie, but she didn't try to bite her. She wouldn't hurt her.

She's a bit of pussy-ass bitch.

:P

“Why couldn’t you keep it in your pants? ” Ellie had snapped in a whisper-yell, knocking her little fist onto me again. I grabbed her wrist to stop her but she started wailing her hands wildly at me.

She snarled incoherent words, not suitable for…life, really.

“Okay,” - I managed to get her arms into my hands and crossed them over each other. Baby stopped growling. El still tried to manoeuvre away from me, jerking her arms a few times.

“I’ve just been beaten,” I reminded her. “I don’t need to be again.”

“Then keep it in your pants!”

“Ellie. ”

“What?” She ripped her arms away from me to frown. “Why? When?”

“You guys weren’t dating yet - if that means anything.”

I expected her to start hitting me again, but she seemed to relax.

“Oh. Well, still.” She jabbed her fists one more time to shove me, then crossed her arms over her chest. As I regained balance, she sighed, stomping her foot. “I just wanted for once to get a girl that was bi to like me first and not you. I really hate you sometimes,” she mumbled childishly, turning her head to glance inside her room. I slanted a look to see nothing but darkness.

“I’m sorry. I really am. You know I’ve got issues; I tried really hard to stay away from her. I did.”

“It’s not just you,” she sighed again, now glancing up at the sky. “It takes two to tango.”

“Did you really just say that?”

“Yeah, and I’m not sure why.” She shook her head with another sigh. “Well, I can’t wait to grill her ass about this.” She pushed passed me to step onto the sidewalk, glimpsing over her shoulder when I tried to laugh.

“Are we going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Well…bye?”

“Later.”

"Wait. Can you take Baby with you?"

"Fine."

"Bye?" I said again.

"Bye."

Aaanndd she hates me now. Great.

I tipped my head back and groaned. Why am I such a terrible person?

Why am I alive?

Reaching the footpath, I watched Ellie and Baby silently walk down to the end of the block and turn a corner to the left. I looked in the opposite direction, to stare down the road I was meant to be going down, but I looked across the street.

Just down that road is Herrlinger Park, and twenty feet from the entrance of that park was the railroad tracks.

I dug my hand down my back pocket to scoop out a couple quarters I had left over from my lunch money. I slipped them back into my pocket until I only had one in my possession.

“Heads I don’t,” I told the George Washington profile, “tails I’m never waking up again.” I flipped the coin into the air, flattened in between both my palms, and dared to take a peek.

An American eagle stared back up at me.

My heart squeezed out an extra beat.

My destination was set.

I made it to the park a lot faster than I’d like to’ve, but didn’t slow down at all until I hiked slightly uphill and stood with the tips of my shoes against the rusty railroad tracks. I looked to my right and then my left at nothing.

I took a deep breath and slumped down between the railings, sighing. The crook of my neck rested on the cool tracks, knees doing just the same. I closed my eyes, folding my arms over my chest.

And now we wait.

I told myself that if this was just going to be a repeat of every time before, I would just give up and never try this exit route again. If I’m still laying here, alive, in five minutes, I would get up and walk to Ally’s.

I wanted to see her tonight, but my chest and stomach felt hallow. My legs weren’t letting me get up. My mind kept everything immobile except my heart rate.

Isn’t death supposed to be peaceful? Yet here I am, heart beating a million miles a minute like I just reached the top of a staircase after eating at Macca’s.

I inhaled deeply again, trying to slow my heartbeat, but it kept going.

Then I heard it. The loud blare of an oncoming train. What I’ve been waiting for for years.

My head jerked to my right and I saw the circle of light grow bigger as the train sped down the tracks. I became aware that I was vibrating slightly, making my heart race faster. I could feel it as it got closer, its loud horn blaring even louder ever second. My ears were ringing.

I was going to be taken out the same way my mum was.

I suddenly thought about my funeral - if there would be any. Who would be there, open or closed casket…what I’d look like.

Roadkill.

I wondered what Ally would think when she heard the news.

Tears built up in my eyes.

She’ll be so disappointed.

I wanted to move; I didn’t want her to think of me as a disappointment. But I couldn’t move. It was like I was glued to the tracks. I laid there watching the train get closer and closer, pressing my eyes shut when the light got brighter and horn got louder and more consistent.

Then I was tumbling down the side of the hill right as the train zipped by, skidding to a stop at the bottom.

My hands patted frantically over my legs and up to my face and I sat up to look down at myself. I actually sighed with relief when I realised I hadn’t been mauled and torn apart by the speeding bullet.

I jumped out of the way, though I didn’t remember doing that.

I fell back and pushed my face into my arms, hoodie catching every tear that came out as I finally let it all out.

I can’t even kill myself. I finally have the opportunity and I can’t do it.

I wiped my sleeves under my eyes and sat up straight. I got out another quarter and asked myself if I was seriously going to do this again.

The train’s horn reminded me that I should be smashed into the tracks right now. I fumbled with the quarter.

“Heads I die,” I told Washington again, “tails I don’t.”

I flicked it into the air, but let it land into the pile of grass. I picked it up the way it had landed and squinted at what it told me.

Pushing the coin back into my pocket, I stood up and looked at the train as the end of it sped by. I looked at where I would’ve been, then sighed.

I turned my back to the hill, slouching down to pick up my mobile. It fell out of my pocket on the way down. After standing motionless for a few seconds, I started the ten minute walk to Ally’s house. It was like I was walking dead off no sleep. I blanked out on most of the walk until I was suddenly there at her bedroom window.

And what the fuck. It had started to rain at some point, apparently.

Her window was on the back of her house, towering two stories up in the air.

Otte’s was on the front, same height up.

Covering my eyes from falling water, I could see the light buzz of Ally’s telly going through the drapes and I checked the time on my phone.

It was almost two in the morning. No way she’s still up; she must’ve left it on.

I searched for something I could chuck at her window to wake her up. I found the same pile of pebbles, sitting just outside the backdoor, that I use every time to wake her up.

Picking a few up, I rubbed my thumb over them to get them as dry as I could before knocking them one by one against her closed bedroom window. The first few slipped from my hands, drenched from the rain.

I had to go through about ten of them before I saw the drapes be yanked back, revealing a sleepy Ally, hair previously up in a bun, but now resembling a lion’s mane. She rubbed the back of her hands against her eyes as she squinted down at her backyard.

When her eyes focused on me, she became alert and quickly showed me the palm of her hand, mouthing ‘Stay there.’

So I did, waiting for the kitchen light to be turned on and then the backdoor to be pulled open, Ally on the other side.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I shook my head and that was all it took for her to get up on her tiptoes to hug me. She propped her head onto my shoulder. I returned the gesture, hands gripping around her waist, bringing her closer.

It felt so nice to be hugged, good lord. This should be a form of drugs.

She abruptly pulled away.

“Oh,” she pouted, running her fingers through my wet hair. “It’s raining…”

“Uh...yeah. I know. I walked in it, actually.”

She said, “Oh,” again, letting her hands fall down to take my hands in hers while she stepped back to let me into her warm house. “What’s wrong?” she asked after telling me to take off my shoes.

“I want to die,” I said nonchalantly, peeling off my Converse.

She frowned at me and went in for another hug, making me drop my shoes onto the floor.
She mumbled into my chest, “I’m sorry…that you feel that way and there’s nothing can do to make you happy. Is there anything I can do?”

“Honestly?” She nodded. I sighed into her mane of hair. “Hug me.”

She gripped on tighter.

Soon, we were up in her room. She said I needed to sleep, maybe I’d feel better, but all that sleeping meant was that I’d have to wake up again at some point.

I laid with my head against her chest, her arms wrapped loosely around my head as a hug, fingers playing with my hair. She didn’t seem to care that I had walked in a downpour. She snuggled herself against my soaking wet shirt.

I wanted to have her here for the rest of my life. I felt so much better when she was around. She made me feel so much better about everything. Every bad thought I’ve ever had went away for a while and I could sleep when I was with her.

I’m such a sap now. What’s happening?

Somehow we ended up reversing roles in the hug. She was now the one with her head resting on my shoulder. She was staring blankly ahead. I didn’t say or do anything until I saw her blink quickly a couple times and she sniffled quietly.

She was suddenly looking up at me, mouth bunching into a line.

I said warily, “What?”

Her hand came up to graze the side of my cheek.

“Is it him?” she asked, barely above a whisper. I focused on the wall behind her, causing her to sigh. “Will you please tell me what’s wrong? How am I supposed to help you if I don’t know what’s wrong?”

“I’m sad.”

“But why?”

“Everything sucks.”

“Not everything.”

“Most things.”

“Do I suck?”

“Yup.”

“I meant like do I make you sad, Tyler.”

“Then no.”

“Can I make you happy?”

“Yeah.”

Where did the dialogue tags go? Don’t worry. We’ll bring them back soon.

It took me a second to realise she said ‘can’ instead of ‘do,’ and she really asked if she can do something to make me happy.

I pondered on what, but was interrupted by her leaning up to kiss me. After being startled, I kissed back then looked down when her fingers hooked onto the lining of my jeans. I pulled back and shook my head.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know,” she said, shrugging. “But I want to.” She didn’t wait for a response; she gripped her hand around the back of my neck and pulled me down so I was on top of her.

It was another soft, sweet kiss that got rougher when I returned it, because…I’m a horny muthafucka.

Say what you want, that this shouldn’t even be happening, but we didn’t stop at kissing.

Everything happened so fast. We went from being fully clothed to nothing but a blanket over us.

And it felt so, so good.

Also, she totally saw the new scars and bruises and all that, so guess what we talked about afterwards. Yup. But the best came from that since, in case you don't remember, I end up living with her after that.

yay.