Cougar

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PRESENT DAY
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“Gah. I can’t get up,” I muttered as my attempt to sit up failed. “Ugh.” I grunted giving up, laying back down on the couch with a sigh. And then I realised something. Something so...horrid. The remote…was on the other side of the room, on the TV, and Everybody Loves Raymond was on next. I didn’t want to watch that. I could kick myself. Why hadn’t I grabbed it when I walked in the room? Why hadn’t Ally left the remote on the couch where it belonged? I could kick her, too.

The theme song played and Ray started talking about his life. I grimaced at Ray and Deb’s two twin little boys. After Robert said, “Everybody loves Raymond” the show began.

It was the episode where Ray thought he had all the power in the world when he rejected Debra for sex like three nights in a row.

Can I just say how stupid it is that girls are able to turn guys down for sex all they want, because it’s ‘their body, their choice,’ but when a guy says no once, there’s gotta be something wrong with him? Because after Ray started rejecting Debra, she started to think she was ‘gross,’ and ‘he didn’t ‘find her attractive anymore,’ and all that dumb shit.

Oh. wah. He didn’t want sex with her. How horrible.

Guys go through that shit all the time. Rejected nearly each time, but expected to not let it affect his self-esteem. It’s like the guy is forced to always want sex and when he doesn’t want it, suddenly something must be wrong, if not with him, then his partner.

I could seriously drone about this for the rest of my life. It’s the same way with rape and abuse. Guys are expected to always want sex, so rape isn’t a thing that can happen to them. Shit like this is why men are less likely to report being raped because society tells them that they “got lucky” or whatever the fucking bullshit it is.

Not to mention that ‘joke,’ meaning that if you don’t enjoy being raped by the opposite gender then you MUST be gay.

My dad laughed in my face when he heard about what Vanessa did. Sexual assault is so hilarious, isn’t it?

Absolutely none of that is funny. It hurts just as much – maybe even more than – if it happened to a girl. A guy can’t talk about that without feeling pathetic, because you’re right. It’s not supposed to be happening to men; they can ‘protect themselves from it.’

I just wish we could all stop perpetrating the myth that women are always gentle and kind and that men are the abrasive assholes. I know I’m not exactly reflecting the exemplary idea of a ‘perfect’ man, but…bloody hell. Females can be backstabbing horrid creatures sometimes, just like a guy can be.

I don’t know. It’s late. My brain is in anti-feminism/rant mode for some reason, though I’m really not anti-feminist. You have to question, though, when a group like feminists - or people for overall human rights, really - make statements contrary to what they say they work for. You fight for equality but you're not being equal.

It's - it's just mind-boggling.

And no, I'm not talking about all feminists here. I've met some really, really lovely ones who are very accepting and practice what they preach by welcoming every sex and race and creed into their life.

But then there's those ones that won't let me feel the way I do or admit that I went through a situation that only women typically go through because I'm 'a straight (heh) cis white male who's just crying out for attention and trying to make it all about him.' I swear I'm not.

I mean, I get it. Typically guys really are stuck in the ‘#hornylyfe,’ but god damn. If girls aren’t always in the mood, guys shouldn’t have to be either.

But…yeah, maybe this show wasn’t so bad. Obviously it wasn’t because I ended up watching it until 10:30 when King of Queens came on.

And then finally at 11:00, when Bonanza was on, the front door of my apartment creaked open and there stood Ellie. She gave me a smile and walked in, grabbed the remote off the TV, chucked it at me, and then walked into the kitchen with a “I can’t let you watch that shit.”

“I love you!”

She came back out with a carton of French silk ice cream and two spoons.

“I know, I know.” She sat on my legs forcing me to sit up, and rip my legs out from under her. As I changed it to Chelsea Lately, Ellie handed me a spoon, tore off the cardboard lid, took a spoonful of French silk, and then handed it to me. I was about to mimic what she did, but shook my head, bending forward to snatch the almost empty pack of cigarettes from the coffee table.

“I’m good,” I said, shaking a cig and the lighter out.

“Ya sure?” she asked, bringing the spoon up to her mouth. I saw her front teeth bite into the ice cream. I eyed her sceptically. She seemed unfazed by the cold and was already going back for a second bite, this time sitting the carton of ice cream between us.

She will get us through the apocalypse.

Shaking my head at her braveness, I said, “Who needs food when you’ve got nicotine?”

She matched my toothy grin, shaking her head.

“You better not be doing what I think you’re doing.”

I lit the end of the cigarette and licked my lips before taking in a breath of smoke.

“So what if I am?”

“I’ll backhand you ‘round the place. Have some ice cream.”

I titled my head towards the TV, pushing the carton back to her. “I’m gettin’ ill,” I mumbled. “Dairy doesn’t help.”

“But eating will make you feel better.”

“Eating makes it worse.”

“Is Ally here?” she asked. “I’ll make her force-feed you.”

“Nope. She has to go home at some point. Where’s Shelby?” I asked, switching topics. She usually with her all the time. If she’s ever over here alone, it just means they took separate cars to get here.

“At home,” Ellie said with the spoon clutched between her teeth, “sleeping. We had a fight.”

“What kind of fight?”

“Like…” She sighed. “Like she wants a My Chemical Romance wedding cake, but I want Batman.” She scowled at the TV. “Do you know how horrible that would be? To be reminded of the horrible break up every time I go to get a slice of cake. I’d break down crying. She’s not willing to see how wrong she is.”

“Wow.”

“I know!” she bellowed, shaking her head. She shoved some ice cream in her mouth. “It’s terrible. I just needed to get away from her craziness for a while, ya know? I’ll go mental on her if I hung around a second more.”

“Mmm. Right.” I huffed in another pocket of smoke and leaned back, staring at the TV. It had switched to an ad. Ellie suddenly started beating my knee up.

“So,” she said with a big smile, turning towards me. “How’s my little niece and/or nephew goin’? Didn’t Ally go to the doctors?”

God
damnit.

How many times do I have to relive this story?

There was that empty feeling again. By the sight of my smile not forming at all, hers fell.

“Oh, no. What? What happened? Is it okay?”

Breathing in a long drag, I ended up gritting out a “No.”

“Well? What’s happened to it? Was she even pregnant?”

I thought about lying to her, saying no to her last question. This really was something that was personal. Ally probably should give me the ‘okay’ on telling other people. It happened to her – and me, but…I needed her consent before I go blabbing.

Another inhale – “Nope. She got her period.”

“Oh.” Ellie tipped her eyes down to stare into the carton of slowly vanishing ice cream. She asked, now looking up at me, “Is this a good thing? I mean…did you guys really even want a baby anyway?”

“She did.”

“Oh,” she muttered again. “Damn. You guys alright?”

“I don’t know – it’s weird. I…” My eyes were starting burn. I angled my head down. “I really wasn’t…looking forward to a baby, but…when she told me…it was like I got kicked right in the balls.”

“Oh, geez.”

“And…” I couldn’t think of how to word what I wanted to say and stopped talking to go back in thought. I don’t even know what I was trying to say. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, because suddenly the reality was there.

It was me. My fault. I’ve been smoking so much lately. It had to be me. Right? I could be firing blanks – or sending gradually dying salmon up stream. Or…other witty ways of saying I’m infertile.

What if we can’t try again? She really wants a baby now. I might not be able to give her one that will stay long enough for her to pop it out alive. I’m gonna be the one who winds up getting all the hate once she finds out I was the problem. I scowled at the cigarette in my hand before pushing it back between my lips. Maybe if I keep smoking I’ll finally die. Either from my lungs giving out on me or from starvation. Smoking dulls hunger and I was willing to let it happen.

Ellie had picked up that I was done talking a while ago and didn’t bother to rekindle the conversation, leaving me to slowly grow antsy, like the death I was waiting for wasn’t getting here fast enough.

Air. I needed to get out and breathe. Sigh out all the sad and take in fresh air.

I pulled myself up to stretch into a standing position. Ellie’s eyes followed me up.

“I’m gonna go out for a walk,” I told her with a heavy sigh. “Watch Baby, would ya? She’s under the covers.” I gestured to the La-Z-Boy recliner sitting a few inches away from the couch. Baby was curled up beneath a blanket, fast asleep.

Ellie took a couple seconds to eye me but nodded.

“Yeah, alright – Tyler,” she said, slowing me from pulling my bag over my shoulders.

“Hmm?”

“Don’t do anything stupid. I…I’m sorry for asking, especially if all I did was make you upset.”

“I’m not upset,” I said rolling my eyes and heading for the door.

“You are.”

“I’ll be back.” I grabbed the door handle and looked back at her. “I promise,” I assured her with, like, forty percent certainty.

“Bloody oath?” she asked, raising her brow at me.

Thick Aussie accent - “Fair dinkum, mate.”

“If you’re not back in twenty minutes…” She trailed her sentence, arching brows even more. I answered back by closing the door behind me, standing out in our floor’s hallway. No one was out loitering like usual. Given the hour, I didn’t question it.

I made my way down the empty stairways and out the front door.

It was oddly cold out and I had failed to grab a hoodie before I left. The thin long sleeves of my shirt didn’t keep me warm at all, but I wasn’t really bothered by it. I was stuck living in long sleeves now due to stupidly picking up all my bad habits again. I’ve even gone to lights completely out and blanket constantly covering me during sex, just so Ally wouldn’t see.

She really, really hates that I do that to myself. Despises it, actually.

I wandered aimlessly down streets until I heard the wind whipping around as cars zipped down the surprisingly busy Main Street. I stopped inches before the footpath ended and watched each vehicle pass by, waiting for my chance to cross.

I was planning on maybe just going to one of the gas stations near here, then heading back home. I breathed in a deep intake of cool night air. It rushed in and seriously felt like it cleared my mind of all bad thoughts, but there was still that ache to not breath at all.

Everything suddenly fell silent around me and I realised the street was empty and I had an opportunity to cross to the other side.

I stalled several seconds before pushing my hands into my pockets and stepping out onto the blacktop. I kept my head down and slowed my pace, almost hoping for a car to suddenly come barrelling down the street, but then imagined the scenario actually happening and cringed, picking up speed.

I reached the sidewalk and sighed. Well, I live to die another day. Unfortunately.

God. Why is it so hard to die?

Why am I such a downer, like damn. I wasn’t always like this, I swear. Things didn’t always get to me this easily. Now it’s either like I’m made of stone or a crumbled sheet of flimsy paper.

Man. Hasn’t anyone noticed how poetic this chapter sounds so far? Like, it has those moments - the author must be feeling pretty good about herself right now. (Author: aw shucks. thanks.)

I decided to ditch the gas station and made a turn for Herrlinger park. I found a picnic table and laid down on one of the benches, dropping my eyes shut. I wasted about ten minutes before I remembered I brought my bag with me. I sat up to drag it off and hold it in my lap, yanking the bag open.

Another fuller pack of cigarettes laid at the bottom among a crack pipe and a little Ziploc baggie with a smidgen of heroin left.

I was running out and needed more, but money was a big problem. I knew I had about five bucks in my wallet, which was obviously not gonna get me shit.

There was the, dare I say, smarter voice in the back of my mind that told me to save the last bit for when I really, really needed it. The blatantly dumber voice said that time was now. I was torn between both.

It was either drugs or the little SD card full of razor blades I had in my front pocket. Fetching out the pipe and Ziploc bag, it was clear which side I was going to listen to. I could always bribe Nakiah to give me more; she supposedly has a soft spot for me and always has, meaning I get discounts on a lot of things. Just share my latest sob story and, bam, a couple more ounces of heroin will be in my possession.

Anyway, you were around last chapter. I don’t really think I need to go into detail about smoking heroin. You know how it happens now.

I was staring at my eyelids when the wave of warmth swept over me, leaving tingles behind. I started humming aloud that one song by Tonight Alive, Come Home.

Spinning around I’m weightless
Living it now, just taste it
It’s begun
We’ve come undone now

Halfway through I switched to Say Please and mindlessly began knocking my head side to side.

If you’re gonna ask me for my time at least say please,
‘cause I’m not how I used to be and these things get to me.
If you wanna break me I’m already on my knees.
I didn’t give my love for you to walk all over me, to walk all over me.

I find all this to be strikingly…relevant. To me? Or other nameless individuals? I – yeah.

The vocalization Jenna McDougall did at the beginning of the song came belting out.

I screamed out into the night sky, “EWWWWWW OH OH, EWWWWW OH OH, EWWWWWW OH OH OH OHHHHHH.” Then went back to Come Home . “Spinning and I am free here, giving it all to be - oh oh ohohoh, oh oh ohohoh. We’re so close, oh oh ohohoh, don’t let go – WELL, IF YOU CAME HOME, YOU’D ALREADY KNOW THAT I WOULD BE WAITING ‘CAUSE I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOU TO STAY CLOSE UNDER THE LIGHT OF THE FULL MOON – OHOHOHHH.”

I say this chapter was very mature and poetic sounding and then instantly do this. Heh. Whoops.

I was now staring sadly at a completely empty bag where the last bit of heroin no longer was. The high was still there, but diminishing quickly and I still had about ten songs from Tonight Alive’s new album that I wanted to sing.

The lyrics continued to tumble incoherently out of my mouth, fading in and out of mumbles as I came to face Main Street again. Cars sped down the road, this time more sparse.

I didn’t bother to stop and wait for a clear shot. I walked briskly to the other side, managing to dodge cars the entire time. Each time I passed a lane, a car beeped its horn at me not even two seconds later before it slipped by, taking its bright headlights with it.

That got me thinking of Bathwater, also by Tonight Alive and I hollered out, “SO I SWITCH IT OFF AND I LET IT GO, ‘CAUSE WHERE I HIDE, YOU’LL NEVER KNOW, BUT WHEN I’M DOWN, YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW, SO BATHWATER HEAR ME NOW AS I SCREAM OUT FROM BELOW.”

I was humming the chorus to Hell and Back while my fingers balled up into a fist and knocked loudly against Nakiah and Eric’s front door.

It was the heaviest rain I ever felt on my skin
It was the heaviest place that I have ever been in
As the walls crashed down I felt it slip away
‘Cause I went to hell and back just to be where I am today.

“Hmm, hm, hm, ohh, hmm, hm, hm, ohohoh. I went to hell and back just to be where I am today – HEY.”

Nakiah stared at me wide-eyed but laughed, nonetheless, when she pulled the front door open entirely. “Tyler!” she greeted with a big smile. “What do I owe today’s visit?”

“Just sayin’ hello,” I lied very, very obviously, taking a step into the still lifeless living room. “Where’s Eric?” I asked, whipping around to face her. Big mistake. My vision blurred slightly and I felt the need to vomit. I stumbled to sit down on the couch and laid back, hoping to calm my stomach. I was not in the mood to chunder ever again.

“Out,” she answered after another laugh. “Making a delivery. Why, are you - ?”

“SPEAKING OF,” – I stopped when I realised I had interrupted her. “Oh, oh, I’m sorry. What were you going to say?”

She raised her brows at me as she scooted her bum onto the arm of the couch. She laughed loudly.

“You’re high as fuck, aren’t you?”

“I’m – a hamburger.”

“A hamburger? Interesting.”

“Yeah, you know – high as a motherfucker, bitch, unless…Ryan Gosling eats…” I searched for a word that started with an ‘R,’ but came up empty-handed, then just shout one out. “…rectangles.”

“Riiiiiiight,” she said slowly. “And you want to get higher?”

“For later occasions,” I confirmed nodding and shaking my head at the same time, unable to decide which gesture I should use to answer the question.

“Heroin?” she asked, though she already knew the answer.

“Yes, that would be lovely.” After laughing, Nakiah told me to wait riiiiiight here as she made the quick trip down into the basement. I continued to hum to myself until she came back up with – what I would say was the same amount of heroin as before.

It was like she was offering a newborn puppy to me. I sat up straightaway and breathed out an elated sigh, holding my hands out to take it from her.

But inches away from becoming mine, she pulled it back, saying, “Ah, ah, ah – how much ya got?”

“Depends. How much are ya askin’ for?”

“Sixty,” – I groaned loudly. She stressed, “That’s the lowest I can go.”

“I don’t have sixty.”

“Well, how much do you have?”

“Five…”

“Five…? As in…? Fifty?”

“Five,” I said, “as in…five – maybe,” I added brashly when she scoffed. I pulled off my bag. “Maybe more. I’ll check if I have more.” I pretended to search my book bag thoroughly even though we all knew five was all I had.

“You still owe for last time,” she pointed out. “And – I can’t give it to you for free again. We’re losing money here if I cut you that good of a deal every time.”

“I’ll pay you,” I promised aloud. “I swear it – Nakiah,” I dropped my tone into a pleading one with a hint of loyalty. “I promise I will. I really need this…now. I’ll pay you – what, sixty last and this time? One-twenty? All yours the next time I come ‘round.”

“How do I know you’re being honest?”

“Because I have the money. I do. I just haven’t gotten around to the bank to get it.”

She narrowed her eyes at me, but after a couple seconds she sighed loudly. “Fine,” she caved and a massive wave of relief made me sigh happily.

“Thank you so much, Nakiah.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she mumbled, holding out her hand. I snatched the little baggie from her grasp and marvelled down at it as she continued to level with me. “You have to promise you’ll pay me back, Tyler. Swear it; swear it on Ally’s life.”

Ooh. On Ally’s life?

I hesitated. There was no doubt in my mind that I was not going to pay them back. But being paranoid under the influence of the big H, I was scared that if I took that chance, Ally would die and I didn’t want that at all, really.

I, like, loved her, ya know.

So I scrunched up my mouth and sighed.

“Alright, on Ally’s life – I’ll get the money.”

Oh, great, she’s not gonna die now, is she? No, no. I will pay Nakiah. I hope.

I left the house hitting the palm of my hand repeatedly against my forehead.

One. Hundred. And. Sixty. Dollars.

How the fuck – why did I get myself into that? That twenty I had last week was literally the most I’ve had since before I went to college.

I hope Ally’s cool with me either getting myself or her into the business of prostitution.

Ellie wound up staying til about two in the morning. We played GTA V, which is a bloody lovely game, by the way, then we got an hour or so out of the entire BioShock series. I didn’t dare touch Heavy Rain – children getting kidnapped and murdered? Nah.

Now, issue was, paranoid me after going through the underwater city of Rapture with Splicers and Big Daddies constantly trying to kill me could not sleep a wink, especially after Ellie left to return to Shelby, so I stayed up playing Super Mario Party until the sun was here along with Ally.

“Hey, bro.” She shut the door behind her.

Oh, thank God. She’s not dead. Yet.

I have to keep my promise.

“Yo.” I pushed Baby up and scooted over, making room next to me. Ally took advantage and sat down in the open spot. After she did, she pressed her lips to my jaw line for a quick kiss. Baby laid back down on my lap, but this time her head on my shoulder. It almost looked like she was so interested in watching me play Mario, though she probably didn’t give two shits and just wanted a headrest.

“How ya doin’?” Ally asked, shifting her legs into the criss-cross applesauce style.

I offered your life in exchange for a postponed due date to pay off my debt for the drugs I’m sure you’re slowly getting addicted to, so I feel terrible.

“I’m fine. You?”

“Oh, fantastic. I took the liberty of making an appointment – ‘cuz I knew you’d forget,” she said snootily when I made a confused face at her.

“An appointment?”

And then it hit me the exact moment she said, “For your mental health, duh, and, I guess, for the sake of us.”

“That’s sweet of you.”

“I know.” She grinned. Looking back at the TV, she mumbled, “You’re in the middle of a boss battle…and just died.”

“Oh, poop.” I frowned right as the big squid dude’s tentacle collided with Bowser for the last time, sending Bowser into a weird shaky death before the screen went black to tell me I had failed. I was teleported back to the beginning of the level. “That took my forever,” I whined in disbelief.

“Sorry.”

“No you’re not.”

“So?”

I shoved her. A little too hard. She face-planted the mattress. I cackled.

“Okay, ASSHOLE,” she snapped, pushing me once she regained her previous sitting position. I stopped laughing, stared at her and then knocked my head back, laughing again.

“I’m gonna pee. Oh my God.”

“Ugh. I don’t even like you.”

“Yes, you do,” I said with a loud laugh.

“No. I don’t.”

“Oh, right, no. You“ – I shimmied my shoulder against hers – “loooooove me.”

“Unfortunately.”

I mocked her in a scratchy voice yet again, “‘Unfortunately! ’” She wacked her hand against my stomach, then bunched her mouth up at the ceiling.

“Hey, yeah, so.” She sputtered out a sigh, holding her hands up flat against each other, resting on the side of her face. She listed in a high-pitched voice, “The appointment is…sometime next week – I’ll have to check, but…and either tomorrow or the next, we can have some baby-makin’ sex. Are you excited?”

“Oh, overjoyed,” I answered back in the same tone, hands making the same gestured. Ally’s smile grew wide as she titled her head.

“Great! What do you want to name it?”

“Mmm.” I pretended to be deep in thought, then, “Piper Chapman.”

“Is that all its first name?” she asked with a laugh. When I nodded in all seriousness, she laughed again, saying, “We definitely need to watch that show soon.”

So we did. We spent nearly all day switching between my TV in the bedroom to the one in the living room, bringing Netflix up on each to watch Orange is the New Black and bits of American Horror Story’s second season Asylum since it was finally available.

Adam Levine was in the first new episode. There was sex with his ‘wife,’ it was nice, but then, of course, slow, brutal death by serial killer Leatherface, and those cut scenes kept randomly popping up in future episodes.

When we were finally ‘welcomed to Briarcliff,’ all the reactions between Ally and I included cringing and mutual rhetorical questions like, ‘That didn’t actually happen back then, right? They didn’t really put people through all that torture and call it treatment….right?’

I was unfortunately able to relate the forms of ‘treatment’ back to my Psychology class I took in college. All of them made appearances in slideshows.

People really were tortured like that.

“Well, I just hope that’s all over now,” Ally said, hiding her face behind her knees as the absolutely mad Dr. Arden performed a lobotomy on the lady claiming to be ‘Anne Frank.’ Ally tilted her eyes towards me and clarified, “Like, nowadays in psychiatric hospitals. You don’t think they still do that, do you?”

“I hope not,” I said in exasperation and disgust. “And I hope I never have to find out.”

We eventually got too grossed out when the scene slipped back to Adam Levine and his wife’s escape from Leatherface and decided to go back in my room for the evening to play BioShock Infinite: Burial At Sea. Another situation that ended in plot twist.

I think it’s like episode five of AHS where there’s the major fucking plot twist.

Seriously, go watch that show if you aren’t already. It gets pretty gross and gory, but holy jeez-us. It’s really interesting – and factual as the forms of varied torture were able to show.

Ally ended up staying the night – we, we did it, by the way, even though I don’t think we were supposed to yet. (Like, apparently you’re supposed to wait about a month or something after a miscarriage before you engage in the sexy sex, but oh well).

There sadly weren’t any drugs involved this time, which really…sucked, actually, so I was back to legit faking, which was really…weird, I know.

I was able to force myself to fall asleep after hours of tossing and turning in thought of whether this relationship really had a fighting chance anymore or were we just trying to fix something that wasn’t meant to work in the first place.

I really hope we weren’t over.

I needed her so much. She’s my best friend.

I don’t think I could make it if she wasn’t here to keep me alive.