Cougar

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PRESENT DAY

The two men were dressed in cliché dark trench coats. The one on the left reminded me a lot of Christopher Meloni who played Stabler on Law and Order: SVU, while the other didn’t seem familiar at all.

They both gave me hard looks as the Stabler look-a-like asked in a gruff voice, “Tyler Williams?” holding up a little black wallet. Hooked on the side was a police badge. His tone and job title made my heart skip a beat. It took me a moment to find my voice.

“Yeah?”

“You got a second?”

Again, it took me a few moments to regain myself, but when I did, I nodded quickly, moving back so they could wipe their feet and step inside.

As I was pushing the door shut, Stabler tipped his head to the side after introducing himself as Detective Metz. “This is my partner, Detective Winchester. Mind if we ask you a few questions?” It didn’t sound like he would’ve cared if I had said no. If anything, he sounded hostile.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, dividing a glance between them. “Did something happen?”

Detective Winchester came off a lot more considerate than Metz. He spoke with a little more kindness.

“That’s what we’re trying to find out,” he said.

Metz angled his head around the room and asked, “You been here all day?”

I shook my head, brushing my hand towards my bedroom where Baby laid up on my bed. “No. I took my dog out for a walk a little while ago. Why?”

“Where to?’

“The park.” Feeling like it was details he was looking for, I specified, “Herrlinger Park.”

His eyes met mine sharply. “Meet anyone there?”

Rebeca. But I knew that would raise some new questions. Then an idea dawned on me. Did something happen to her?

Still, I reminded myself that if something did, I would get some ‘subtle’ hints dropped within the next few questions they asked. I didn’t stop to wonder, though, what it could have to do with me.

Deciding to botch the whole meeting, I shook my head once more.

I mustered up the most convincing tone I could.

“No.”

“No?” he echoed me, a certain attitude behind his words. Then he asked it. “Does the name Rebeca Linares ring any bells?”

“Is she okay?”

Detective Winchester interjected with, “What makes you think she’s not okay?”

“Well, two cops are here asking me about her. Did something happen to her?”

I looked from Winchester to Metz as they gave each other narrow looks. Metz turned his to me. Another thought came to me. My worst fear was that Rebeca had told someone about what had happened. The person she told could’ve flipped and called the cops.

But…that…that couldn’t happen, could it? But why else would they be here?

I hope she didn't hurt herself.

Metz’s voice was grave.

“She was raped.”

“Raped?” I said in shock. Someone raped her? Wha – but when? I was with her not even an hour ago. Unless it happened before or after I left -…A third realisation hit me and I furrowed my brows at them. Is that why they’re here? They think I did it? Their firm looks told me they did.

I said aloud, “I didn’t -”

Winchester cut me off.

“We never said you did.”

“But you’re here,” I said. “I’m a suspect, aren’t I? But – I didn’t. I wouldn’t.”

“She says you did.”

I looked dumbfounded at Metz and had to make myself shake my head.

“No,” I said, my voice cracking. “I didn’t. I swear. She’s lying.” It hurt to say that she would lie about something like that, but…you guys were there. I didn’t rape her. She had to be lying. Why would she do that?

“Now why would she do that?” Metz asked the same question rhetorically. “Who would make up lies about being raped?”

I couldn’t get myself to talk and defend myself. I became mute in disbelief. It was only when Metz pulled handcuffs from a loop on his utility belt that I fought to stand my ground.

Unfortunately, “No,” was the only thing I could think to say.

“If you’re so adamant,” Metz said, stopping from handcuffing my wrist, “you’ll come down to the station and give a DNA test.”

“But I didn’t do it.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about. Put your hands behind your back.”

After exchanging an incredulous look between them one more time, I slowly turned my back towards them, placing my hands, one over the other, behind my back.

The feeling of the cuffs hooking around my wrists was sickening, and behind pushed into the backseat of a police car made my stomach turn.

What was happening? How did my life get so bad?

From the backseat, I noted another squad car in the spot next to us. Two more cops emerged from the vehicle and made their way to the front of the my apartment complex.

I didn't bother to ask why before the car's engine turned over and we drifted out of the parking lot.

The drive to the police station was entirely silent. Too silent. I couldn’t think of any reason Rebeca would come up with such a horrid lie, let alone report it to the police.

Maybe…maybe she really had just told someone about what had happened and they went berko. But once she finally comes clean about it and tells the truth – if that is the case – then I’ll have a whole new array of problems to deal with.

Ugh. This was not going to look good on my record.

I worried about Ally finding out. What was she going to think when she came home and I wasn’t there? How was she going to hear about it?

After a twenty minutes ride, Metz pulled the police car into a parking lot filled with vehicles of the same model. They hopped out of the car and I had to wait for them to come around to my door to pull me out.

I had only been to the Miami Valley Police Department one other time before.

I planted such a grand idea to Ally’s head – sex in the gazebo behind the public library. Apparently very frowned upon by, uh, everyone. The night started off great, but ended with us getting handcuffed and slapped with public indecency.

We spent the rest of the night laughing about it.

This visit was going to have a completely different ending.

Once inside the building, I noted the same expected surroundings. Desks lined the dull precinct with on call officers sitting in nearly each one. Nothing caught my eye, really, but seconds before being pushed into an interrogation room, a certain figure caused me to glare.

Rebeca sat with her head in her hands as a female cop stood with her hand on Rebeca’s shoulder, consoling her as she seemed to cry quietly. A woman sat in the seat next to her, rubbing her fingers against her temples. I assumed it was her mum. Rebeca's red eyes lifted up slowly and met mine. She frowned, tears forming again. Her head shook slightly and she mouthed to me what looked like, ‘I’m so sorry.’

Detective Winchester shut the door while Metz led me to sit at the sole table in the centre of the room. Another officer stood in the corner with his hands at his waist. There was a video camera mounted on a tripod right next to him.

I started to feel ill.

...triggered.

A video camera. I tried leave certain thoughts from coming back to my mind; I focused on the wooden table under my cuffed hands...I moved my hands to my lap, not liking that sight either.

I waited for the detectives to begin the interrogation. After a shared look they did.

Winchester walked over to the mirror which I knew was two-way, but Metz placed both his hands flat on the table, never failing to keep his glare stern.

“How do you know Rebeca?”

“She…” I swallowed. “She’s one of my students.”

“Oh,” he said. “So you’re a teacher?” When I nodded, his tone changed yet again. Mocking as he made assumptions. “Lemme guess, first day of school, she walks in and you can’t keep your eyes off of her. She’s a pretty girl, that much is fair, but what? You came onto her and she said no, you can’t handle it, so you follow her home one day and rape her?”

“No.”

I glanced back at the video camera, wishing I didn't when I caught Metz eyes on the way back.

He raised a brow at me, then from the camera to me.

“Look," he said gruffly, cracking his knucles as he stood straight up, "we’ve got evidence that you did. You have a history of sexual misdemeanours and we checked your file down at your therapist’s office – ‘sex addict with increasing need for risks.’ Is rape risky enough for ya?”

“I didn’t rape her!” No matter how many times I said or how adamant I made it sound, I knew they were never going to listen to me.

“You keep singing the same song over and over again,” Metz said tauntingly. “Just give it up and confess. We found your semen inside of her and it’s pretty fresh.”

I refused to look at them. I kept my stare in front of me. They had me. I wanted to slap myself for not using a condom – no. I wanted to slap myself for even going out at all today. I should’ve stayed in and never gone near her.

Metz came over to sit right next to me on the table. His index finger tapped on my chin and pushed to make me look up at him.

“Either you raped her or you slept with her. Which is it? There’s nothing wrong with a little consensual sex unless that’s not what happened.”

“But it is,” I blurted, just wanting him to stop saying that word. The confession came out in hopes I wouldn’t be labelled as a ‘rapist.’ Anything but that. “We had sex, okay? There. I said it. I don’t know why she’s saying I did that to her, but it’s not true. I would never hurt someone like that.”

Someone knocked from the other side of the closed door. Second later, the door opened to another cop. Metz’s eyes trailed to me momentarily and then to Winchester. Metz got up from the table and went over to have the other cop whisper something to him.

Metz looked to me and he said, “Looks like you’ve a got a visitor.” Without mentioning who, the door opened wider to reveal Ally. Her arms were crossed and the way she looked at me…I looked away. I heard one of them tell her she could come in and once she did, Metz said, “We’ll let you guys talk.”

With that, Winchester followed him out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

I was aware that they probably went to the room adjacent to this one, the one that shared the same wall as the two-way mirror. Plus, the cop was still standing in the corner of the room, eavesdropping obviously. And that camera was going to catch it all.

My eyes narrowed at him, at it, and then I looked at Ally as she walked to stare at the two-way mirror.

“You heard what they’re saying, haven’t you?” she asked quietly. Her head turned to me and she scowled. “Did you rape her?”

Did she honestly think I did?

I felt my face fall into a furrowed brow and hurt frown.

“No.”

“No? So you slept with her? Huh?” My silence was her answer. Her gaze darkened. “God dammit, Tyler. I was right here. You have me. Am I not enough? Do you realise what you’ve done? Okay, it’s not just the fact that you cheated on me. It’s the fact that you slept with a student.”

“I know!” I ended up snapping at her. This constant reminder of what I had done was starting to annoy me. I was tired of hearing it.

Ally’s face fell and she sighed, walking over to sit on the table, like Metz did earlier. I could see there was still some sympathy for me, but it was diminishing quickly.

“They found drugs in your house,” she muttered, her arms still crossed. My head jerked up to her.

“They did?” I remembered the second set of cops going up into the apartment building. They must’ve been there to search the place. I never saw a search warrant. Could they even do that?

She nodded slowly, answering my spoken question. “Heroin and weed. You’re done. You know that? If you don’t get charged with rape, it’s statutory rape. That’s enough to get you fired. And the drugs…” She trailed her sentence as she shook her head. “God,” she said exasperated. “How selfish can you be?” she asked, growing enraged quickly. “Did you even think of me once? Your career? Everything is fucked because you can’t control yourself. You’re pathetic. Fucking pathetic. After all I’ve done for you, you do this? How can you live with yourself? You ruin everything. I can’t believe I wasted four years on you.”

She suddenly stood up from the table to slap me hard across the face.

“You're such a piece of shit," she snapped. Her finger jabbed my chest and I felt my world crumble when she seethed, "I fucking hate you. You deserve to be in those handcuffs,” she continued harshly. There was so much hate in her eyes. So much pain. “You deserve…to rot.” Knowing she was right, I didn’t say anything back. I felt tears begin to burn my eyes, but refused to let them out. I let her slap sting and remind me of how right she was. She turned away, and I thought that she was going to leave, but seconds away from reaching the closed door, she stopped and I heard her barely get out a fake laugh.

She was facing me suddenly, this horrible look in her blood-shot eyes. Then the storm ensued once more.

"What is wrong with you?" she quivered, jabbing the knife even deeper. Her question made my mouth tremble and I swallowed to keep myself from blubbering. I stared down at my hands.

My lack of eye-contact pissed her off, and I was stunned when her hand slammed against the wall.

Without even waiting to see if she had gotten my attention, her voice ripped, "No, you fucking listen to me - right now, Tyler. I swear to God - what is wrong with you? What? Why?" she started, her anger being trampled over with tears. "Why do you - why do you seem to think that you're the only person in the world? What, do you think that we're all emotionless robots, and you're the only one with feelings? Well, guess what," she snapped again, her hand cracking against the doorframe this time. Her finger jabbed towards her chest. "I'm a person! I matter, and I..." Her stance faltered as she regained her footing. Her jaw was clenched and then she let out those horrible, horrible words.

She screamed, "I fucking hate you! You ruined my life!"

That was finally when I had to catch my breath. The gasp set free a wave of emotion and a bucket of pent up tears that dripped one by one down into my hands.

But she was unfazed by it.

Ally gripped the door handle and yanked it open, storming out of it.

A cop who must’ve been standing outside the room grabbed the door before it slammed shut and looked into the room at me and then in the direction Ally went. I looked pass the officer at another face.

Rebeca’s face. She, too, watched Ally exit out the front door. Her head turned to look at me and she crinkled her brows, her face threatening to have tears run down it.

When Metz walked back into the room, I was shocked when Rebeca suddenly screamed, “No! Wait, wait!” An officer grabbed her, but she pushed away to run to where I was. Inches away from running into the room, Metz locked his hands around her arms.

“Whoa, whoa. What’s going on?”

“I lied!” she cried. “I’m so sorry, Tyler. I really am. I was just so mad.”

She – what?

Everyone in the room looked at Rebeca in disbelief. Metz said to her, “Rebeca, why would lie about that? Do you know how serious of a matter rape is? You don’t accuse someone of that just for revenge.”

“I know,” she continued to cry, shaking her head. “I know. I-I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It’s just – my mom came home after you left and…she saw you and she saw me crying and she just assumed that you did something. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her the truth, but I was just so…hurt.” My pained glare caused tears to start dripping down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. Please – please forgive me. Please. I’ll drop the charges. I promise. Just please don’t hate me. All I ever wanted was for you to like me.”

Her last sentence added to the sting. I kept my flabbergasted stare on her just as a few more cops were called in to pull Rebeca out of the room. She wailed and cried for me to forgive her, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t help but wonder if she had stayed quiet, never telling her mother about any of this, what would have happened. It probably would’ve gotten to this at some point, but…would I still have Ally or would I have blabbed to her about the truth?

If Rebeca stayed quiet and didn't barge in here to confess...would I every see the light of day again?

The room was back to being nearly empty, besides the two detectives and I.

No one said anything for a few seconds, but then the two turned to each other and began to whisper. I was left to sit with my thoughts when they left the room without an explanation, coming back with a key out in the open.

It was used to unlock the handcuffs.

I was in doubt when Metz offered to escorted me back to my house in a police car. I was confused at first because I knew I deserved to be stuck in a jail cell.

Before leaving the police department, I was told I had was still being charged with statutory rape and possession of illegal drugs. A court date was going to be scheduled for the near future, but from here on, I was a registered sex offender, allowed to go home for now.

Something worse than a sex addict.

The police car rolled away after I stepped out. I didn’t look back at Metz when he muttered a ‘sorry for the whole misunderstanding.’ I walked like a dead man up to my empty apartment. I don’t know why I expected to see Ally sitting on the couch, but I really wanted to see her.

I didn’t want us to end like this.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what she said.

‘You deserve to rot.’

That’s what really hurt more than anything: having someone you love tell you things would be better if you weren’t around.

I wanted to call and text her, beggin’ her to give me another chance. Or at least come over so we could talk. The ache in my chest was back, the same ache that had drove me to do cross the line many times before.

There was no way to get rid of it. Ally wasn’t’ here to talk to. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I’m sure they took the drugs from me. Nothing was going to help.

I tried sitting with Baby for a bit, but it didn’t take my mind off of what a shitty person I was. I waited for her to fall asleep on my bed before lifting up a small section of my mattress. I grabbed the little SD card full of razor blades and closed the bathroom door behind me once I had walked in completely.

I ignored the mirror and went over to the bathtub, switching the water on. The loud falling water pained my ears and I stepped back to stand in front of the mirror.

I stared numbly at my reflection and felt my throat tense. I hated looking at myself after I’ve done something I know was wrong. Looking at myself reaffirmed the fact that I’m a real person and the mistakes I make affect others.

The mistakes I made just today lost me my job and girlfriend. Without Ally…I knew there was absolutely no hope for me. No one else would put up with me the way she did. No one would take the time to truly listen to me and be there for me when I was close to the edge.

After all she’s done, I did this to her.

I found it very…unsettling how easily I just had sex with Rebeca. I didn’t think of Ally at all. I did before and after, but not during. I didn’t consider how wrong it was until it had already happened and by then it was too late to go back.

I had lost her completely. There was no way she was going to waste her time with me ever again.

I bit my lip to hold back the pathetic cry I wanted to let out. Instead of wasting my time with tears, I clicked open the SD card and picked a razor blade to end it all with.

Remains of dried blood coated the edge of the stainless steel razor.

I dreadfully looked up at the mirror and tilted my head back to see the faded scar across my neck. I made sure to angle the blade in the same place and closed my eyes.

I gave a pathetic first attempt purposefully. I had kind of hoped that feeling the blade scrape across my skin would either scare me into not doing it or reassure me that the relief and end result would be worth it.

And at the sight of lightly ripped white skin, I decided I wasn’t pushing down hard enough.

I clasped my eyes shut and quickly yanked the razor blade back and forth across the front of my neck, side to side until a line of red pulsed up and tapered down.

A gurgled cry rang out and startled me. It took me a second to realise I had started to sob. My hand went to grip loosely around my neck, but ripped back when a huge shock of pain shot through me from the brash contact. There was a thin layer of blood covering my hand.

I felt my stomach turn and emptied it into the sink.

My throat burned but wouldn’t stop forcing dry heaves up, pushing more blood up through the cut. I retched loudly and fell back against the wall.

The blade pierced itself into the palm of my hand. I stared down at it and knew I might as well get it over with – and if I was, I had to do it right. I didn’t know what I would do if I failed again.

I stepped over to the tub and saw it was nearly halfway filled. I slowly placed one foot in and then the other before crouching down, causing the water level to rise heavily, another reminder of how fucking fat and a waste of space I really was. I switched the tap off and drooped back. The stream of blood dispersed among the bathwater once I laid back far enough for my shoulders and chest to submerge under.

I felt at peace and oddly comforted in the warm water and ruined it by plunging my wrists under. I stared at the wall before quickly yanking the sharp blade diagonally across my skin. I held in my cries and cut myself again and again, then did the same to my other arm. I kept cutting until my arms and hands started to shake, dropping the razor blade from my grip.

I snatched it when it started to sink and dropped it to the bathroom floor. I didn’t dare to look at what I had done, but knew it was bad from the sight of the water. It was a dark red.

I fought another gag and angled my head up to stare at the ceiling, breathing deeply through my mouth. I took in a deep breath and the gripped the sides of the bathtub. I pushed my head down until it was covered completely by water. I let the warm feeling consume me, keeping my eyes shut.

This was for the best. It really was.

This way it was all finally over. I wouldn’t be able to fuck up anyone else’s life. No one would have to deal with me anymore. Ally would be better off without me there constantly taking her down with me.

She’ll understand soon enough. She can’t hate me for doing her a favour.

But Ellie and…and Damien…I knew they would hate me for this. I know Ally would too, but…it just hurts so much to even breathe. I didn’t deserve to. After all I’ve done, I shouldn’t be alive. I’m such a terrible person. I know it, but it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t stop myself from ruining everything around me. I couldn’t stop myself from being such a monster.

A muffled screamed bellowed out and caused ripples in the water. I screamed until I ran out of breath and my throat stiffened remarkably. Then I took a big gulp of water and tried to force it down into my empty stomach that hadn’t contained food all day, and hoped some of that water would flood into my lungs. I continued to until I choked.

My natural reaction to spring up and breath in a heap of fresh air clawed through, but I tightened my grip on the sides of the tub and held myself under.

Soon, I stopped struggling. Soon, everything faded to black.

Everything will be better.

Everything.