Cougar

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PRESENT DAY
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My ears tensed once the sound of muffled chatter hit then. Behind that was the faint sound of something beeping slowly. It was calming and I felt it begin to lull me back to sleep. However, the scent of the room around me was sharp and crisp, causing me to stir awake. It reminded me of the hospital. Such a dreadful place.

I fought to open my eyes, anxious about where I might be, but they were still heavy with sleep. I kept them closed and tried to focus on the talking around me. No words seemed to stand out.

My fingers suddenly twitched and I felt a wave of pain shoot up my arms. I clutched onto a thick material under me and pried my eyes open. I was blinded by the bright surroundings. Ugh, no. They narrowed into slits.

After a couple seconds, I recognised it as a hospital room.

The beeping sound from before speed up quickly and I looked to see a heart monitor, trying to keep up with my heart rate. I started breathing fast, becoming more and more confused.

What the bleeping bleep was I doing here?

I stared down at the clean, white sheets covering me and caught sight of my arms. Besides a tube sticking into my inner elbow, I gawked down at the white gauze that cased my wrists. I moved my fingers and sure enough, a shock of pain crept up them.

It was all slowly coming back to me.

I tried to kill myself.

I failed. Again.

My head dropped back and I swallowed hard when tears started to well up. How could I fail again? I tried so hard. I really gave it my all this time.

Another painful twinge had surged through me when I moved my head, but it wasn’t in my arms. My neck. I struggled to bring my hand up to touch the gauze wrapped around the front of my throat.

I really tried so hard and it was another failure.

I took in choppy breaths and managed to suppress my lousy tears. No words could describe the worthlessness I was feeling. I really was so pathetic. I knocked my head to the side and sighed, my eyes landing on a stuffed plush tiger, a purple ribbon around it’s neck. Then to the right when I heard something move.

I squinted at the body sitting in the chair next to the bed and when my vision cleared, I furrowed my brows. Ally was fast asleep, but repositioning her winter coat over her shoulders. It looked like she had been crying. The mascara around her eyes was smeared slightly and I saw smudges of it on the hood of her coat.

I couldn’t believe she had stopped by. I couldn’t believe she still even cared.

I looked at her shamefully and wondered if she had found me. Maybe she’s here out of pity.

The tears built up again, but I sniffled and swallowed to keep myself from crying like a big wimp again. I gently titled my head down and closed my eyes. If she was sleeping, I wanted to, too.

But after my loud sniffle, I heard Ally start to shift. I glanced up just as she opened her eyes and yawned, scratching her jaw. Her eyes shut momentarily while she stretched, scrunching her nose.

To think that I’d never get to see her wake up from sleep again was hard to grasp. This could be the last time.

She rolled her shoulders slowly as she finally started to open her eyes again. She stared up at the ceiling, moving the coat down to her lap. Her eyes looked around the room and stopped once they got to me. She started to smile at me, but dropped it when she remembered I was in a hospital bed.

Her voice cracked slightly, but she said, “You have no idea how badly I want to slap you again.”

I laughed. “I’m sorry – for everything.”

“You didn’t have to do this. You know…” She brought her arm up to drag her finger quickly across her wrist. “That.”

“I felt like I did. Like you said, I ruin everything.”

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “No, you don’t. I'm so sorry for what I said. I was just so...hurt. I understand how difficult it is for you to control your thoughts.”

There she goes again. Defending me.

I shook my head at her. “Stop defending me. Please. I don’t deserve it.”

“Yes, you do. Everyone deserves someone who will always believe in them. I’ll always believe in you. Hell, that’s why I’m here right now.”

“I’ll never understand you,” I said with a laugh, making her smile.

“I won’t either.” She winked at me and then looked away to stare at the blank television set that had been rolled in here on a cart. “You know how scary that was?” she suddenly said.

“Mmm?”

“Do you know how scary that was?” she asked again, looking at me. “I came back to get my things, because I didn’t think you’d be there and I went to get my makeup from the bathroom and…there you were. It was so scary. The water was red – dark, dark red. You bled so much. I thought you were dead.”

“I wish you hadn’t of saved me,” I mumbled quietly, having to sniffle again to hold back the tears. I didn’t mean to scare her. It just felt so impossible to live anymore.

“Why? I couldn’t let you die.”

“But I wanted to. That’s why I did it.”

“Well, I don’t care. You’re better than that. You can’t go out that way. I won’t let you. You can get better. Living in the past and only acknowledging the bad stuff is going to keep bringing you down. You have to let go.”

I considered what she said carefully, but still shook my head.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to get better. I’m such a downer, Ally. I’ll always be such a downer. I don’t know why.”

“You’re depressed,” she reasoned. “It’s not your fault.”

Depressed? Was I? I never stopped to think about it. I always thought I was just sad or constantly in a state of low mood and aversion to activity that tends to affect my thoughts, behaviour, feelings and sense of well-being.

But depressed? I didn’t want to label myself with it.

The room’s door creaked open after a very inaudible knock. A nurse swished her head in and smiled lightly at us, seeing we were both awake.

“How ya feeling?” she asked me, making her way over to the bed. I noticed she had a small needle with her. I answered her with a shrug as she tinkered around with the clear bag my I.V. was hooked in to.

“Tired,” I told her, watching her tap her index finger against the needle’s body.

“Still?” she asked, chuckling. “You’ve been sleeping for a day, you know that? Are you in any pain?”

“A day?” I repeated, looking from her to Ally. “How long have you been here?”

“Ever since. Answer her.”

“Oh. Uh.” I wiggled my fingers around and cringed at the painful result. “For sure.”

“Well,” the nurse said, bending forward to softly grab one of the two tubes poking out from my arm. She stuck the tip of the needle in and pressed the plunger down. “In ten to twenty minutes, you’ll be feeling grand.”

I thanked her and waited for her to zip back out the door before having to turn my head to Ally as she said, “Ellie and Damien came by. A few other people came by, actually. Shelby, you know, Nakiah and Eric. She’s pregnant, did you know that?”

“Nakiah? Yeah. I noticed that a while ago.” I stared at the closed door. I felt terrible. Ally would love to be pregnant right now. I remembered her telling me it was all she ever really wanted more than anything else in the world. I thought vaguely back to Dr. Kasler and her ‘abstinence from sex treatment.’ She said we should wait to try for a baby until we were sure about each other.

A day later, I ruined it all.

Only one day.

Ally hesitated before she spoke again.

“You know, I’ve been thinking a lot,” she said, popping her chin up on her fist. “About us and…I really think it’s safe to say that we’re no good together as a couple. We shouldn’t be a couple. Not when you’re…like this.” A muscle in my jaw twitched. She continued, “I love you, just know that, but…it’s not going to work out anymore and we have to accept that. We can still be friends -”

I interrupted her with a short scoff. She was pulling that card.

“I’m serious, Tyler.” She reached forward to softly cup my hand in hers. “I want to be with you. I really do, but you can’t deny a relationship isn’t the best thing for us. We’d be better as friends.”

“But I don’t want to just be friends.”

“I know. I don’t either. I just don’t know if I can handle another…heartbreak. It really, really sucks. I gave you so much and it’s like you don’t care. I don’t know what I’d do if you cheated on me again.”

As always, Ally had a point. I never meant to hurt her, never like this. I didn’t know what I’d do if I cheated on her again. Attempt suicide? Probably, but having another failure was not an option I wanted to get ever again.

I kept my stare on her. Alright – time to think some sappy thoughts. She really was so beautiful. I was going to miss seeing this face and being able to kiss those lips. I was going to miss our friendship. There was absolutely no one else in the world I could have a friendship with like I had with her. Sure, she said ‘we could still be friends,’ but those things rarely work out after such a disastrous relationship.

I was going to lose her. I knew, she knew it.

I swallowed hard and forced myself to nod.

“Alright,” I said nowhere near above a whisper. I couldn’t get myself to say any more. If I tried to talk, it would be a bunch of ‘No! Don’t leave me! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I forbid you to leave.’ and…Ally’s cool, but…too cool, actually. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore if she caved in to me forbidding the end of our relationship.

We sat around the hospital room for about five minutes, talking back and forth like what had happened didn’t. The room had a fairly respectable entertainment system - *sarcasm* - complete with VHS player. We were watching the trailers at the beginning of Rugrats in Paris when the door was creaking open again.

In place of the nurse I thought we would be seeing again, Dr. Kasler peered into the room. Seeing I was up, she smiled at both Ally and I.

“Tyler,” she greeted, stepping in. “How are you?”

“Still kind of crumby,” I said bluntly, looking to the clear liquid-filled pouch. “The nurse gave me some more morphine, but…”

“Hasn’t kicked in yet?” She gestured to the foot of the bed, asking for permission if she could sit there.

“Oh.” I pulled my feet up so she had a place to sit. As she did, she locked her hands together in her lap. I noticed her smile was forced. And in about thirty seconds, I understood.

She tilted the smile at Ally. “Would you mind if I had a minute alone with him? To discuss what happened.” Ally raised her brow, but nodded quickly, pulling herself up from the chair.

“Yeah. I understand.” Making her way to the door, she smiled big at me. “I’ll go get him something from the gift shop.”

I playfully narrowed my eyes at her before laughing. “You’re really going to go all the way down to the psych’s gift shop?”

“It’s not that far away,” she seemed to be reminding me, halting from walking out the room’s door. “Just a couple floors down. I want to get you something cute again.”

“A couples floors?” I said, mockingly. The psych hospital was light years away from the actual hospital – all the way over on the west wing. “What part of the hospital are we even in?

She looked at me strangely, frowning. I faintly heard Kas say, “Oh.”

Ally said, “Fourth floor. Tyler, you’re in the self-harm/suicide care. We’re in the psychiatric centre.”

“It doubles as a psych hospital,” Kasler added informatively. “We’re in the infirmary section. Each floor has its own.”

“The psych ward?” I repeated. I’m in the psych ward? I thought I was just lying in a normal hospital bed, not the one meant for someone crazy. I thought back to the directory outside of the lift.

FLOOR 1: Lobby, Gift Shop, and Cafeteria
FLOOR 2: Eating Disorder Care and Dr. Jennifer Rydell’s Office
FLOOR 3: Abuse/Addiction Care and Dr. Cathleen Kasler’s Office
FLOOR 4: Self-Harm Care and Dr. Spencer Andrew’s Office
FLOOR 5: Group Sessions

I was being hospitalised.

Chances are, I was never leaving this bed again.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, Tyler,” Kasler said. “You attempted suicide. I told you that if I felt like your well-being ever had the warning of being in jeopardy, I had to do something. I can’t let you walk out of these doors anytime soon. You’re obviously not okay. I can’t let you attempt suicide again. Here, you’re safe. Here, you can get the help you clearly need.”

“I’m in a psych ward,” I mumbled to myself as it all started to set in. The psych ward.

Kasler looked up to Ally, saying, “I still need to talk to him.”

“Got it,” Ally nodded, stepping through the doorway. “I’ll take my time.”

I couldn’t believe where I was. Still. I was going mental just thinking about spending however long here. I’m shocked I never saw any patients walking around the halls. After Ally closed the door, I became aware of the faint sound of someone screaming and crying. Several voices, actually. Have I just managed to block it out?

“Why haven’t I ever seen any…patients?” I asked Kasler, apparently milliseconds before she was about to speak.

“Well,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Your appointment was around noon. They were down having lunch in the cafeteria. I’ll show you it soon. This really is one of the nicer facilities. I think your stay here will be…tolerable, for the lack of a better word.”

“How long will I have to be here?”

“A minimum of ten days. If you show any signs of improvement, the duration can vary.”

I looked at the closed door. I was going to spend ten or more days here. I just nodded back at Kasler.

She dropped her voice down. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better help to you. I really am. You came to me for guidance and I failed you.”

“I still would have done it,” I murmured, glancing at her quickly, “even if I hadn’t came by to talk to you. I’d end up here at some point. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”

“This place will do you some good,” she said, nodding thoughtfully. “Just let me know, if by the end of the ten days, if you don’t feel like you’re ready to leave, I understand; we’ll understand. We’re here to help.”

Huge lie. Hospitals can’t wait to throw you out. My mum stayed in the psych hospital for a week. It was obvious to everyone that she wasn’t ready to leave, but they forced her to. A week later, she sprinted in front of a train.

They don’t care. They never do. I won’t be treated any different.

I ran my thumb hard over my knuckles, pressing down each time a spasm prickled through my arms. The pain was slowly dulling though as the morphine finally began to kick in. Slowly but surely.

A part of me didn’t want the pain killer to work. I wanted the pain to stay.

I thanked her before the high got more intense. I’ve been on morphine before. It was only a matter of time until I was out of it.

She was talking again.

“We’ll allow you to make a quick trip home once we get you all checked here – to get some essential belongings for you to keep here.”

“Right.” I was about to thank her again when loud voice from the other side of the door stopped me.

Kasler and I both gave each other raised brows as a voice snapped, “He needs to be here. You can just ship him off to prison where he won’t get any real help.” The voice was familiar, feminine. I recognized it as Ally’s almost instantly. I’ve heard her use that tone many times before. Kas and I had to listen closely for whoever Ally was talking to to reply.

All we got was, “Listen, ma’am, he -” before Ally interrupted again.

“I'm twenty-six, you asshole. Miss not ma'am. The only reason he’s in any of this is because of addictions, not because he’s a bad person or a criminal.” Her attitude changed drastically when she seemed to reason with them. “Please,” she said, “let him get the help he deserves. I know him; he’s worth redemption. He’s not mentally well - he’s lying in a hospital bed with bandages around his wrists, for god’s sake. He shouldn’t be locked away behind bars.”

“Is that Allyson?” Kasler asked me quietly. I paused before answering her, waiting for Ally to speak again, but she didn’t. I imagine there’s an Old Western stare down happening on the other side of the door.

The other voice, belonging to an officer, I assume, finally spoke up, telling Ally, “He’s committed multiple crimes at once. It’s going to be hard to look past what he did -”

“What happened to the whole ‘three-strikes’ deal? He won’t mess up again. I would put my life on the line to bet that he won’t. And if he stays here and gets help, he won’t. Have faith in him. He won’t do anything like this again.”

There was a lengthy pause. Then a sigh from the officer.

“I’ll talk to him,” Ally swore aloud. “Right now, about all this. But I promise you, he’s going to get better.” Another long pause then yet another murmured reply. I distantly heard a couple sets of footsteps walk off and then the door to this room was opened. Ally looked ruffled but smiled hugely at us. She closed the door behind her and whipped out a stuffed kangaroo plush to hold in front of her.

“Look at what I bought you,” she grinned, coming over to stand inches away from the bed. I eyed the kangaroo in its little blue hoodie. It had a tie-dyed baseball hat on that, of course, had an inspirational quote written on it.

I read the very small print, “‘It’s like trying to pin a kangaroo down to a trampoline.’”

“Cute, right?” She smiled at the plush toy before unzipping its hoodie. “Joey Graceffa is what I’ve named him – get it?” Joey, that’s funny. “He has a little pouch. There’s a tiny notebook in it. More inspirational quotes. I’ll read you a few.”

“Who were you talking to out there?” Kasler asked abruptly. Ally’s eyes flickered up and she slipped the little book back in the kangaroo’s pouch.

“You heard that? It was just a couple guys from the station.”

“The police station?” I asked. She called a police officer 'asshole' because he addressed her as 'ma'am.' Oh, I love this woman.

She nodded, scoffing. “Could you believe them? They wanted to ship you off to prison. But don’t worry. I talked them out of it. Or at least postponed the decision.” Ally bent forward to set the cleverly named kangaroo right next to the even punny-er Tyger Oakley. She leaned onto one of the bars framing the hospital bed. Her hand came up to move my bangs out of my eyes, which were in desperate need of a trimming. She said quietly, “I won’t let them take you. That’s one thing you can bet on.”

It was very evident to me that she refused to ever give up on me entirely.

She was such a forgiving person.

After Kasler had left, reminding Ally visiting hours were over in ten minutes, Ally had said to me, “You gotta stop looking back and living in the past. Stop hating yourself for the choices you’ve made. I don’t want the next time I see you to be at your funeral.” It was then I realised that she should write her own motivational quote book. Most importantly, that even if we were never going to be a couple again, her friendship was enough. It was all I really needed. I didn’t need sex with her. I just needed to have her there to remind me I had potential and a purpose.

Unfortunately, I was high off morphine at this point, so I ended up laughing right in her face. I giggled uncontrollably as she leaned over to me, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

She laughed, “I’ll visit you soon, alright? I love you,” before she left, leaving me all alone in my hospital room.

My late reaction came out five seconds later, after the door had already closed.

“I love you too.”

The room was eerily quiet. We had turned off the TV some time ago.

I laid back and closed my eyes, enjoying the drug-induced happiness. It’s like a wave of warmth that goes through your entire body, making you feel weightless. I was on cloud nine. Things slowed down, nothing was hurting anymore and everything felt so surreal. I was finally so comfortable in my body; nothing was even the slightest bit unpleasant. Then I got a little itchy, but when I scratched, it was awesome, like I had this horrible itch for years and I finally got to scratch it.

I sighed, elated. Bomb-diggity.

But…my mind wanted to ruin everything so I could leave you guys with a proper ending.

I thought back over the past…uh, fuck-if-I-know number of months.

Everything I’ve done finally caught up with me. Self-harm got me stuck in a hospital bed – in a psych hospital, nonetheless; sex drove me to having sex with an underage student and drugs were soon going to be landing me in jail.

My arsenal of bad habits took me down and gave me a fate worse than death.

And all I really wanted all along was to finally die, though my current mental state told me that was the last thing I could ever want.

I was now left with the cruel reminder that I was saw in the wrong, doing the exact thing Ally did with me, but she got away with it.

She did, though, didn’t she?

She took the drugs right along with me; she slept with me when I was an underage student and never got caught for it.

Why was I the one in trouble? Why did I get caught?

I was becoming subconsciously angry at the morphine trickling through my I.V. I fought the urge to rip it from my skin. Too loopy to do it, anyway, but it was keeping me from feeling any real emotions besides serenity.

There was a voice in the back of my head, reminding me that I really did deserve what I was getting. And there was going to be a long road ahead of me.

None of this was going to be over anytime soon.

Taking advantage of my numb limbs, I pushed myself to sit up straight. If I had done that sober, my arms would have screamed at me to fuck off. I reached over to grab Joey Graceffa. I looked at him and unzipped the hoodie, grabbing the rainbow covered notebook from the pouch.

I flipped it open to the front cover and smiled down at a handwritten note.

You’re a trash bag,
but I love you, I guess.
Stay strong, dumbass.
Loooooooove your pal Al(ly)

Sighing, I laid back and devoted the rest of my day to reading through the motivational quotes, flipping back between them and Ally’s note, hoping they would be enough to get me to the end.

Til next time - yippie ki yay, motherfuckers.