Cougar

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PRESENT DAY
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I like how I made the starting of the last chapter seem like I was going to blab about my mum and then I almost got laid instead and potentially ruined my four year relationship.

But I think Ally and I are okay. The few hours we spent eating pizza last night were filled with conversations, and I think we’re okay now.

Sigh.

I hope so.

I took another sick day because…they’re all going to laugh at me. I still have the big hickeys all over the place and absolutely nothing is covering them up. It’s terrible, really.

Around ten, I woke up for a second time grumbling and mumbling. I sat up, yawned, scratched my head, and finished my slice of pizza I started around four a.m. I got to the crust and chucked it back down onto my bedside table.

I scratched my back, sitting up straight, but when my back touched the cool pillows, I drooped. Ahh. That feels nice.

I tipped my head back, uncrossing my legs. My feet kicked out and I hit something furry. The yelp told me it was Baby and I sat up quickly. She had jumped up when I accidently kicked her. Her head dropped down along with her ears as she gave me the puppy eyes.

Oh, god. I felt so bad.

I beckoned her over to me, nearly in fake tears. Her ears perched up and she trotted happily over to rest her head on my shoulder. I scratched her behind her ears and bent slightly to meet her eyes as I greeted her with an “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible person,” but saw the stupid hickeys staring back up at me.

Boo.

I scowled at them and when I was about to look up, I caught sight of all the scars I’ve given myself over the years. I was used to seeing the ones on my arms; they don’t really bother me anymore, but I rarely look at my chest and stomach, so these ones made me frown.

Baby tipped her head to look where I was looking and she dropped her head down into my lap, giving a few licks to my hand. I let out a sigh, continuing to scratch her back with my free hand.

She was there when a lot of them were being made. It legit killed me to see her tilt her head in confusion every time I got a blade out to cut with.

Sensing we both needed a distraction to lift our moods, after getting dressed, I grabbed her leash and took her on a walk down to the city park, Herrlinger. Middle of a school day, so hopefully no one to see what Ally did to me.

Just to be safe, I put on a new pullover/jumper/sweatshirt/whatever I bought a while back. The band logo on the front? None other than Parkway Drive. It was the album cover for Deep Blue, if you’re gonna Google it.

I am from Australia - as are they. Gotta represent. Them, Tonight Alive, and The Amity Affliction are the some of the few bands everyone at my old school could agree on liking.

And oh, God. Jenna McDougall?

Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

I may have smoked a little when I woke up this morning, so sue me. It was either that or masturbate and I did that way too much yesterday. I’m afraid if I keep doing it that much, all that’ll come out is dust.

Baby wound up dragging me just a little under a mile all the way to Herrlinger, getting us there within fifteen minutes. I had brought my iPod with me so I made us listen to Parkway Drive when we finally reached the picnic tables.

I let her off her leash and watched her run loose in circles. We rarely get outside. She was ecstatic.

I took the few minutes of alone time to think…wait for it…about Ally, not Rebeca. The more I thought about Rebox the more I fucking hated her guts.

As much as I wanted to pound her, I was going to blame her for Ally and I’s perfect relationship failing. True, I was already becoming unnaturally dissatisfied way before she came along, but when I saw her, it made me want to ditch Ally even more.

Ugh. I frowned at the ground. I don’t want to ditch Ally.

Maybe…if we started dating - Ally and I - maybe the sex would be better, maybe I’d be more satisfied, because then it would be more…special? Eh. I really, really wanted to keep her in my life. We’ve invested four years together. We couldn’t give up because I’m a horndog.

I would do anything to keep her, though I knew I was incapable of maintaining a monogamous relationship.

Needing another distraction, I leaned back to reach down my pocket. I had sneakily brought a pack of cigarettes with me, though I longed for a blunt. I tapped the bottom of the new pack, and tilted it to get one out. I took a cigarette between my fingers and lit it with my lighter. I inhaled until I was out of breath, welcoming the premature death I knew was to come due to my arsenal of bad habits.

Smoking an abundance of weed or cigarettes was something I unfortunately seem to do a lot when I’m about to ditch Ally. I always feel so empty and try to fill the void with drugs and nicotine. Then I realised, growing up, I had built quite the tolerance to them, so they don’t give me the same affect they used to.

That’s when I go off and bang anyone who will let me.

It typically takes about two one night stands before I pretend I’m content, then I’ll go back home to Ally.

I felt my demeanour slip back into a pocket of self-hate and I frowned again. I shouldn’t be doing that to her. She deserves so much better, but…I didn’t want to give her up.

I breathed out a sigh, keeping the cigarette locked between my lips as I rolled up my sleeve. Holding my arm out in front of me, I looked down at all the still prevalent scars. I took a long drag before gripping my forearm between my knees. Letting out the stream of smoke, I plucked the cigarette from my mouth.

The orange tip burned bright as I hovered it inches over my arm. I felt the heat radiating off it, prepared myself and I plunged it against my skin. My previously balled up fist sprang open and my fingers outstretched from the contact. I held back my unintentional grunt when a twinge of pain shot through me. Out of instinct, I tried to jerk my arm away. Reminding myself of all the horrible shit I’ve done behind Ally’s back, I tightened my hold, pushing down harder until I saw my skin rise up around the cigarette.

That being what I was looking for, I yanked the cigarette back to see the gleaming indentation it left behind. It burned like a motherfucker and that’s when I wished I hadn’t taken such a long break between doing things like that. I used to be able to cut and burn myself without feeling a thing. I was literally numb to the pain. Now…it was killing me.

I continued to stare down at my new wound then cussed out when a light breezed brushed by and made my burn tense. I clasped my hand down over it and decided to look around the park to divert myself from the pain.

I saw Baby laying up on one of the platforms of the jungle gym. Her eyes were closed and her fur swayed in the wind. I suddenly felt bad for her. She was bred for freezing cold temperatures and here she is stuck in the deadly warm air of Ohio. That’s why I hardly take her outside. It’s too hot for her sometimes.

I whistled for her, patting my hand against the table. I think that’s enough for today. She came back over and I hooked her leash back on. We made the fifteen minute walk back home to a flat that had air conditioning.

She made an immediate run for the couch and waited for me to join her, but I had other plans. I stopped to run a hand over her head, but kept my walk to the guest bedroom.

Seeing I wasn’t sitting next to her, Baby hopped off the couch and followed me. I turned on the AC. Plopping down on the carpet, we sat in the centre of the room while I grabbed a box, bringing it to me. I dug around for my folder, soon finding it. I flipped through the huge array of assignments, landing on one in particular.

Another thing I thought about last night was the all-over-the-place flashback. I remember talking to Ally about my trip to New York. Freezing New York. It was my first time travelling alone; I had high hopes for it going in my favour.

But…it did not. At all.

My stomach tightened at the memory as I stared down at the grade sheet. Mrs. Orr gave me 200/200 on it, though there were some grammatical errors and run-on sentences throughout it. I glanced down at the little hand written note near the bottom of the page:

Tyler,
This seriously broke my heart.
I cried like a baby. You’re a trooper
and I love you. I’m always here to talk
if you need me.
Stay strong, kiddo.

I had spilled a huge secret into it.

I briefly flicked through all thirteen pages of MLA format, which you will not see because that means a shit ton of BBcodes and hell no.

I laughed lightly at Mrs. Orr’s nickname for me: ‘Mr. Thirteen Pages.’ While I was writing it, she would always say, “That better be thirteen pages of a masterpiece.”

Well, I thought so, so you better, too. Prepare to cry or else.

--
Tyler Williams
Mrs. Orr
Creative Writing p.6
Tuesday, January 5, 2012



I stood close the edge of the sidewalk, shivering my wits out on that near freezing New York morning. My tote of luggage was at my side, it’s plastic handle reminding me of liquid nitrogen; every time I touched it, I was sure my hand would become permanently attached to it from the subzero winds.

Then a glimmer of hope, I had stupidly thought.

“You called for a taxi?”

I turned my head and looked at the yellow automobile that had pulled up right in front of me. A woman - no older than thirty maybe - sat in its driver’s seat. She was a brunette with a warm smile, reminding of my mum. It took me a few seconds to determine that, yes, she was talking to me.

I took a few steps forward, stopping several inches from its open passenger side window. I bent down to meet her eyes.

“Yeah,” I choked out. My voice cracked from standing in silence for what must’ve been ages as I waited for a taxi. I gave a wary look to the vehicle then at her. “You’re a taxi?” I asked sceptically.

When she nodded, I still couldn’t get myself to fully believe her. Though I was eager to get out of this bitter weather, I noticed something about the so-called taxi that kept me from getting in it. It didn’t look like one; more like a car someone painted yellow and dubbed a taxi. It didn’t have the big bolded letters: NYC Taxi printed on its side like all the others that drove pass me.

My childhood memories stuck in my mind, causing me to become wary like it was a do-or-die reflex. I had a bad feeling about her, paranoia already setting in. I knew I’d be dumb for getting in. But when another massive sudden gust of wind forced itself into my jumper and left big goose bumps behind, I was getting desperate for warmth.

Still, I went with the bad feeling at the bottom of my gut.

“This doesn’t look like a taxi,” I said to her, just about shouting as cars zipped by, honking their horns at each other.

“It’s my first day,” she explained with a laugh. “They haven’t issued me a car yet, so I have to use my own for now, but I assure you, I’m a taxi.” I still didn’t budge. Just because she was a lady, I thought to myself, doesn’t mean she won’t do anything I hoped she wouldn’t. I knew if our genders were reversed, I’d be an absolute idiot for trusting her. Seeing my cautious face, she added, “I swear - do you really want to stand out here in ten degree weather or...?”

That I didn’t.

I heaved in a deep breath and looked around me at the city being pelted with snow and ghastly winds. My fingers and toes were going numb. I knew if I stayed out here any longer, I’d be done-for.

Fighting the stab of overwhelming paranoia, I reluctantly reached for the door handle, grabbing my luggage and pulled it in with me as I sat in the backseat of the alleged taxi cab. All my extremities thanked me heaps when the warm air engulfed me.

I didn’t know if I should use the seatbelt or not, you know, in case she wasn’t as innocent as she claimed to be. I didn’t want to look stupid, trying to unhook myself from the seat when I could be diving out the window instead. But the roads were covered in ice, so safety first.

I went on to thank her for stopping and picking me up.

“You’re welcome…” She appeared to be waiting for my name.

“Tyler,” I told her, shaking her hand when she turned around with it outstretched.

“Laura.” She twisted back around to face the steering wheel. “Where are you heading off to, Tyler?”

“The airport,” I said, tugging off my gloves and hat. The intense cold from before made my hands and ears feel like fire against the hot air trapped inside the taxi. Wiggling my fingers, I continued. “I visited a friend.”

“Oh.” Her lips perched as she pulled out of the parking spot and onto the open road. “So you’re not from around here? I’m assuming ‘yes’ because of the accent.”

I nodded at her, smiling. “Yup. I’m from Australia, but I’m living in Ohio at the moment. We moved there a few months ago.” I instantly was regretting telling her that. I wasn’t an idiot - I knew taxi drivers only asked if you were ‘from around here’ so they can know whether or not they could get way with intentionally running up the fare. I made myself keep an eye on the price for the duration of the ride.

“Oh, that’s so interesting,” she marvelled from the front seat to which I shrugged back indifferently, but pretended to agree with her. She offered me a drink, holding up a filled bottle of Purelife water.

Knowing better, I shot down her offer.

“No, thank you. I’m fine.”

The car came to a stop at the red light. She looked at me in the rearview mirror. “You sure?” she asked, giving the impression that she was concerned. “The cold dehydrates you. It’s sealed and everything, I swear.” She clicked the cap off. “I’m just looking out for you.” I stared at the bottle, then her. She seemed genuine enough, and I was getting a bit thirsty.

I let out a breath. “Yeah, okay.” I reached for it, but just held it in my hands. I didn’t trust her. I could feel her staring at me and looked up to see she was. She was waiting for me to take a sip. She darted her eyes away momentarily but they veered back when I twisted the cap off.

I slyly took a whiff into the bottle, but it was odourless. To satisfy her, I tipped it back only slightly, letting a few droplets of water into my mouth. It had a weird salty taste to it, but I pushed a smile out at her.

“Thank you.”

Her smile grew as she finally looked back at the road.

“You’re welcome.”

We made small talk for a bit afterwards, but soon fell silent not having a lot to talk about. The car ride seemed to be taking yonks. I seriously thought I could’ve walked and got there sooner.

After gulping down my third mouthful of the weird water, deciding to plan its taste on being from a different state, I leaned back, propping my head up against the window, suddenly knackered. That’s what you get for staying up till four when you have to wake up by seven.

“Do you have a girlfriend?’

My eyes blinked open to stare at the back of her head. “Uh,” I forced a little laugh. I cleared my throat, gazing out the window. “No.”

“No?” she repeated, glancing at me. “Really?”

“Yup.”

“Why not?”

Because nobody likes me.

I shrugged as if the answer couldn’t be more obvious. “Just don’t.” She didn’t say anything back so I kept my attention at passing scenery. I checked the time on my mobile phone. I had about twenty-ish minutes to get to the airport. That’s enough time, I hoped.

Suddenly, she spoke again.

“Are you a virgin?”

My jaw fell down and broke through the floor. I stared at her in shock. Did she really just ask that? What do I say back to something like that? “That’s kind of personal, don’t you think?” I answered with instead of a yes or no, shifting in my seat, understandably uncomfortable now.

“I was just wondering,” she murmured from the front seat.

“Well, there are some things you don’t just ask strangers,” I said, looking at her quickly. “And that’s one of them.” Again, she was silent and kept her eyes focused in front of her. I thought to check the tab and averted my gaze to do so.

I was nearing twenty dollars. All I had was twenty dollars left. I sat up to get a few glimpses outside and instantly got dizzy. My head hurt and I wanted to sleep, but first, I made myself look at where we were. I didn’t recognise anything. We must’ve been going a different route than the one I took to get to my friend’s flat.

Hopefully.

“Are we almost there?” I asked, slouching back, my head pounding. “I don’t think I’ve enough money to pay the fare.”

“We’re taking a short-cut, believe it or not.”

There was no way this was a short-cut. I thought back to earlier when I told her I wasn’t from here. She’s purposely running up my tab. How ridiculous was she. Her plan’s going to backfire when I can’t pay her.

Nevertheless, this was better than me having to walk. I fought back a yawn.

“Okay.”

We drove for what honestly felt like an eternity. I shifted to look outside again, this time checking behind us. There was this car that had been following us since she picked me up. They were probably going to the airport, too. She could’ve been tellin’ me the truth.

I slumped back down, my head going to rest in my hand.

I was so tired. Maybe because we’ve been driving for years.

“Are you sure you’re not lost?” I asked her, remembering she said this was her first day as a taxi driver.

“I guarantee it,” she said back. “It’s a short-cut, I swear.” I started to shake my head.

“No. You can just let me out somewhere. I’ll walk. I really don’t think I’ll have enough money to pay you.”

“Then don’t pay me.”

My brows furrowed and I looked at her. I started to laugh anxiously. “What do you mean, don’t pay you? Isn’t that the point of your job? To get paid?” She glanced at me for the hundredth time. I could see her whole ‘innocent’ façade disappear.

“You can give me something else.”

“Like what?”

She didn’t hold back. She bluntly said, “Sex.”

Oh. I get it now. All those questions from before - do I have a girlfriend, am I a virgin? She even asked how old I was. - she didn’t ask out of curiosity; she asked for her own little personal gain. But I wasn’t going to let her label me as ‘easy’.

I shook my head again, accidentally letting out a small unimpressed laugh.

“No - let me out somewhere. I’m going to be late.”

“Give me what I want and you’ll get where you need to be.”

My heart jumped in my chest when I realised we were pulling up into an alleyway. She can’t take ‘no’ for an answer, can she? I looked behind us but didn’t see the same car that had been tailgating us. It went on straight down the road, leaving me alone with her.

“I don’t even know you,” I said as an excuse, hoping she’d see I wasn’t going to go for it. I shouldn’t even have to be making excuses, need I remind you.

“So?” she laughed.

“So,” I ended up mocking her. “You got Buckley’s of that happenin’. I‘m not interested.” I felt the car slow before it came to a stop when we reached the halfway mark of the alley. For spilt second all I felt was fear. That and annoyance. She shut the car off. It was quiet. I could hear was my breathing as it quickened and my heart as it pounded violently against my ribcage.

My arms and eyes were heavy, needing sleep. She drugged me. I knew she did. I ignored the tears welling up in my eyes, almost instinctively thinking the worst. I squeezed them shut and tried to slow my breathing.

“What…why…what are we…?”

“Just give me what I want.”

I was getting sleepier and sleepier as if she was in control of that, like she had a dial and she was cranking down my alertness.

“No,” I wound up slurring out. Her smile got bigger. One of my hands went for the door, the other grabbing my luggage. It took all my strength to get the door open a crack and only seconds for her to throw hers open. I stumbled out of the car, leaning on my suitcase for support.

She was suddenly beside me, making me lean on her.

“Get back in the car. Do you really think you’re in any shape to get yourself to the airport?”

“Because of you,” I spat out, pushing her away from me. I tried to grab my mobile out of my pocket, but my hands wouldn’t work and they fumbled to do anything. “I just want to go home.” My throat burned.

She coaxed me back into the car, my bags going onto the floor of it. She shut the door, going back to the driver’s door.

Then the worst thing - the car from before pulled in behind us. I tried again for my mobile, but it fell out of my hands and into my now open drawstring backpack. I drooped down to get it, but was flung back up when someone pulled open the back door and hopped in, their hands going to cover my mouth and grip around my neck.

I was too stunned to scream.

My eyes widened in panic when I realised it was two men who had gotten in the car. One sat up front with the woman and the other was in the backseat, holding me in a death grip.

When I tried to push him off of me, I could barely move; I was so weighed down and tired. Then it all hit me at once. I couldn’t breathe. Why was this happening? What did I do?

As soon as he started to squeeze his index finger and thumb on my nose, I whipped my hand back to hit him, but I only moved an inch or so, like there was an anvil tied to my fingers. There was no way I was getting out of this.

They weren’t saying anything to each other. The only sound was the fake leather shuffling under us and a bag zipping open. I didn’t get to see what the guy in the front seat was getting out before I was pushed down flat on my back. My head knocked against the window, making my vision blur for several seconds.

Scream, you idiot.

But I couldn’t. My throat tightened every time I tried to. My eyes were burning from holding in the waterworks.

All I got out was a gasp of pain as he climbed on top of me, pinning my legs down. His hands left my wrists to rip up my hoodie and then my shirt. I finally got my energy back and kicked him between the legs. A groan fell out and he doubled-over. I went for go at sitting up, hand reaching for the door handle, but got yanked down by the guy up front. He dropped something out of his hand so he could bend over the seat to restrain me and kept me down long enough for the other guy to shove his fist into my gut.

He got two hits in before the girl yelled at him to stop. She didn’t say what I hopped she would.

“He’s mine,” she snapped fiercely.

Mine?

It happened so fast; I think I may’ve blacked out. The next thing I know, she was in the backseat with me, both guys up front. She jumped on top of me, beginning to unbutton her pants. I froze. I couldn’t move. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t. She took this opportunity of me being immobile to force her rough, repulsive lips onto mine.

The contact made me cringe and jolt back to life.

I tried to shove her off, but was suddenly tired again. She must’ve been a hundred and ten pounds, but at the moment, I could’ve swore she weighed a ton.

I lashed my hand forward to strike her and actually did succeed. She cursed out, hitting me twice as hard back. How was she so strong? Everything she did to me was like a freight train hitting me at full speed. Knowing this little girl was going to end up getting her way was starting to kill me and I choked back a loud sob.

That was like a victory to her. She snatched my jumper over and off my head. My shirt managed to not come off with it. After flinging my jumper to the ground, she pulled my shirt up until it was under my chin, taking every hit I sent her way like they were nothing. My shirt was tugged over my head and up my arms to be tied around my wrists. Her mouth attached itself to my chest.

The nauseating feeling caused my skin crawl and tingle in disgust.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally let my tears escape. I felt so pathetic.

She shushed me between kisses to my neck.

“Shh. Baby, don’t cry. Don’t cry.” Her words were taunting. She repeated them as she unbuttoned my pants. Each time I jerked forward to push her off, she pressed me back down.

I couldn’t hold it in; I continued to sob. “Stop! Please!” She forcefully yanked my jeans down. Out of instinct, when she inched them down, I kicked at her. She lost her balance and I spat in her face. Her eyes clamped shut and she cried out in disgust. I whacked her in the chest with my arms.

She gripped where I hit and sat back. I hit her again, shoving her hard a few more times. I threw the car door on my side open, scooting backwards out of it. She managed to grab onto my wrist. She pulled me back, but I just pushed her again, falling out of the car. My hands still being tied in front of me there was nothing to break my fall, and I landed hard in a pile of freezing snow.

I quickly got up and ran, willingly ditching all my belongings.

Though I had gotten a head start, I suddenly tensed under a set of hands as they wrapped around my waist. I flailed and kicked my legs around, screaming like crazy. I felt something crack as I was thrown onto the side of the car. That seriously knocked the wind out of me. I think he just broke my back. I gasped for air. He threw me into the backseat one more time.

The girl gripped a handful of my hair, holding me down. At the sound of the door slamming shut, she got back on me. I heard a click. My eyes darted down to stare right into the barrel of a gun.

“Do that again,” she snarled, pushing it against my neck, “and I’ll blow your head off.” She held my glare, ignoring the stream of residue my tears left behind. Not getting an answer, she jabbed it hard. “Got it?”

My cry caught in my throat. I wasn’t ready to die and knew I won’t be leaving this vehicle the way I wanted. I might as well cooperate. I stiffly nodded.

She kept the gun in its place, going to lower my jeans again. I clenched my jaw when she went for my boxers. I fought the urge to yell and scream at her to stop. All she had to do to end me was pull a trigger. I kept quiet.

In all the chaos that had been happening, I didn’t realise the other guy up front had a video camera in his hands. How long has he had it out? What all did it record? What were they going to do with its footage?

Seeing the red light blink, I jerked my head to look the other way, refusing to give anyone in this car eye contact - even a camera lens. He kept snapping at me to look at it, but I couldn’t let myself, and had my face tucked away into my arm.

My heart leapt in my chest and squeezed with agony when she finally got both my boxers and jeans down low enough, fixing herself right over…it.

I wanted to throw up. My head was spinning and reminding me of what she was doing.

I was being raped - by a girl. No one would believe me.

I laid still the entire time and kept my mouth shut and stiff whenever she tried to kiss me, which was often. The camera was on and constantly being shoved in my face even after she stopped.

It seemed like forever, but eventually she got off me. My mind wouldn’t let me move. It wouldn’t stop telling me I was weak for letting her do that. I felt so…dirty.

She sat up and moved to the other side of the car, hand ruffling through her stupid brown hair. I hated looking at her and turned to stare at the ground. She moved her hand up and down my leg.

I whimpered out, “No…please. Just stop.”

She pulled away with a sigh, then rubbed her nose, looking at the two guys sitting up front. She muttered to them, “Drive.” Just as the car started to move, she leaned forward to pull something out of a bag - scissors. I recoiled away from her but she didn’t stop. She took the blade and cut through my shirt she had wrapped around my wrists, freeing me from her make-shift handcuffs.

She didn’t look me in the eyes like I thought she would. I pulled up my pants and sat up, holding my knees against my chest. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

The drive to wherever was so…awkward. I just looked out the window the whole time, and…cried. They were so much more quiet. I don’t know if they were regretting it, but I was hoping so.

My legs and arms hurt from thrashing them around. My stomach was upset, begging me to throw up.

The minutes passed by slowly before the car pulled into an empty parking spot outside an old Ruby Tuesday’s restaurant building. I didn’t get the chance to wonder if this was my stop. She reached passed me for the latch on the door, pushing it open.

I got out quickly and plopped down on the curb, numb to the freezing snow. They all took part in throwing my luggage out. I caught my jumper when she tossed it to me. I dug my face into it, unable to cry anymore, but still had the need.

She scooted to pull the door shut, but before she did, I had to know something.

“Why?”

She was silent for a few seconds. Then she answered shortly.

“Because you trusted a lady.”

--

Moral of the story: girls are assholes, too. My whole life is a perfect example of girls getting away with things guys would be castrated for.

Suddenly wanting the memory to be as far away from me as I could get it, I struck the packet of paper back into the folder and tossed it into the box. Just reading that was like I was reliving it. I could still hear her words ringing in my ears.

Because you trusted a lady.

I blinked away tears and moved Baby so I could get up. I exited the room, leaving the door open so Baby could hang out in here a while longer. I went back to my room and collapsed on my bed.

There was an intense knot in my chest. A knot I would normally get rid of with sex. Sex really was one of the only things that would make me numb to anything and everything and now I was far from getting it.

I went for my iPod to check the time. It was only twelve.

I needed something - someone - to take my mind off the growing pain in my chest. Anything.

God. I shouldn’t have reread it. Why did I do that? Now it would take another few years to forget the hell I went through. On top of that, I was painfully reminded of Vanessa, and then my dad.

What was so horrendous about me that kept making people hurt me like this? What did I do?

I tried to shake them out of my head, but they wouldn’t leave. I could almost feel him hitting me again and her forcing herself on top of me nearly every night. Then those few times it would be him. It was close to ending when Ally saw a bruise. It was yet another time when we almost had sex.

Weeks later was the very first. After that, she offered that I stay with her. Not for sex whenever she wanted, but because by then, I had more and more cuts and bruises.

I pulled open the top drawer of my bedside table. Passing the baggie of weed, I went for a bottle of Benadryl. I knocked two out and popped them into my mouth, swallowing them without a drink.

Yanking the covers over me, I snapped my eyes shut.

I praised God for Ally.

She saved me.

She really did.