Without Lou

Dear Louis,
Its been exactly 6 days. I don't know how I'm even able to write your name. It hurts, more than I ever thought something would hurt. I can't eat or sleep. Every time I close my eyes, flashes of you run through my head. Images that I can never erase, images that cease to exist with humanity. Images of you in the closed casket, knowing your not here to protect me anymore. Louis, what did you do? The casket was brown, you always hated that color. Even though we choose to close it during service, I can still see the etches of you. Flashes of your white teeth showing through your lips, I can still hear you laugh when I say something funny, even though I know. I know its all just etched in my mind. I've gone crazy BooBear, crazy without you. Crazy without my best friend, the boy I knew for only a short period of time. The boy I was crazy for and loved more than you ever knew. Today, the boys dragged me out of the house I almost hit Liam, something I never even thought of. Its your fault Louis. I'm wearing your clothes, even though they are a few sizes to small, I wear them because they smell like you. Your shirts smell like your after shave mixed with your cologne. I can't even explain how much I miss you. They literally dragged me to the store and made me pick out a journal. I picked one with your face on it, but they made me put it back. I cried right there in the middle of the store. I fought them until they let me buy it, I didn't care if fans saw me. They are hurting too. We all hurt, the other boys won't admit it but I saw Niall wipe a tear from his eye when he saw the poster of you. And Zayn, he didn't say a word today, but I could smell alchol on his breath. Liam, poor Liam he won't even say your name. Why do they think its good for me to write in this journal when they are hurt too? It should be a group activity. Louis, I love you so much. Please come back so we can be happy together, just like you wanted all along. The pain I feel without you here is agonizing. I need you, more than life itself Lou. Please just come back to me.
Day One:
I woke up this morning, expecting to smell the breakfast burning, like always.. and I didn't. I thought for a spilt second that you were asleep in your room, or wanted to play hide n seek. I called your name a few times, and thats when I got scared. And then, I remembered. My best friend, Louis Tomlinson was dead. Just seeing your name and that four letter word in the same sentence made me tense up and gag at the thought of you not being here with me anymore. I walk into the bathroom, the one where you know... You killed yourself in. I went in there to do something but the images of you laying helpless and cold on that tile made me vomit. I couldn't help it, I should have been there to stop you. But instead, I was out trying to find a quick shag, not paying attention to you, Louis Tomlinson my best friend. At first, I blamed you, blamed you for not telling me how you felt to begin with. You could have still been here with me. Holding my hand and burning our breakfast, together. But now, I realize I'm the one to blame. You did try to tell me. But I didn't pay attention, I was to caught up in the world of lust and sex to even worry about my best friend, who was planning on killing himself. The second I called the ambulance the boys barged in, happy as can be calling our names, only to hear me screaming at you to wake up. I thought maybe, just maybe you were asleep and were playing a trick on me. I didn't want to believe that you were, dead. First came Niall, then Zayn and lastly Liam each of them dropping to the floor at the sight of you and the pills laying beside me. They screamed and cried, just like I did. But it was no use, you were an angel in the sky now. You finally matched your voice, you could be happy up there singing with the other angels, harmonizing perfectly. I love you Louis. Niall was the only one able to drive, the rest of us were hysterically crying at the thought of us loosing our best friend, the love of my life. I couldn't even listen to what the doctors where saying, they explained something about how suicide victims are usually the ones to look happiest. The only word I really paid attention to out of that whole thing was suicide. The Louis Tomlinson comitted suicide, I couldn't believe it. I just wouldn't let you go.
Day Two:
"Here lies Louis Tomlinson, died November 15th, 2012." I remember your mom screaming for you, trying to jump in the grave after. Me, I just sat there. To tired to care about what was happening around me, to depressed to even see what was happening. All I was focused on, was you. You sat right next to me, facing forward, watching it like it was a little short film you had produced. Your sisters, there wasn't enough hands to hold them back, eventually they just gave up and weeped at your tombstone, calling your name over and over again. Liam didn't cry, he had to stay strong. There were no fans today, we had a seperate one for them. I think by now, we don't know whose tears belong to who. Either way it was a big mess. I can still see you sitting beside me, you turned to look at me and tried to speak but no words came out. Eleanor didn't come, why would she have? She wasn't real, just someone who used you, for sex and money. Its not fair, I should have been the one getting all the love from you, not her. Larry was more than just a Bromance Louis, I loved you, still do. Larry was special, and I didn't want to admit it. I was to caught up in playing with your head and other girls to even care about how it felt when I was with you. I remembered getting up from the chairs and walking to your casket, tearing at it, trying to open it to see your innocent face just one more time. I need you here with me Louis, I really need you.
Day Three:
I was cleaning out the bathroom, moving your stuff to make it look like you were still using it all, when I found it. I found your note. The last thing I have left of you. Just seeing the way it was folded and my name scribbled on the front drove me mad. I fell to the floor and sobbed for hours while reading the letter, all 4 pages of it. Over and over again it replayed in my mind, everything you said. How you felt. Louis, I felt it too. I felt the butterflies you described and the tingling sensation I got when you came near me, or touched a part of my body. I remember that day, the day we kissed. It wasn't like any other kiss, I can still feel your lips on mine. If I would have known that it was the first and last one we shared, I would have kissed you a million times more. The note is barely readable now, and I've only had it for a few hours. Its tear stained so bad, that I could probably ring it out. So now instead of just reading it, I have it memorized. I love you Louis, I can't get your face out of my mind. I can still feel you in the bed at night, like you have had a bad dream, or just want a snuggle. I hope your snuggling with some one good up there in heaven Louis. We had a practice today, I skipped out because Simon said your name. I literally blew up on him and left him there just staring at me. All the boys are worried about me, I still won't say your name or admit to them that I'm doing bad. 'I'm okay.' Has became the thing I tell everyone. Your mum called today, I couldn't even put myself up to talking to her, but I did anyways, I did it for you. We talked for a few minutes and then she brought up your name, I cried for hours while she sat there and just listened. The last thing she told me, made it hard for me to even breath. I'm not sure why because I knew it was true, I think that I didn't know that other people knew. She told me that you loved me, more than your own life.
Day Four:
I found the girls, the one you talked about in the letter. I invited them over to our flat and we cried together. How did these three girls know about us, about you loving me... when I didn't even see it myself? They showed me everything and why they thought we were perfect for each other. You wanna know what I told them? I told them that I was utterly stupid and didn't pay attention to the clues you gave me, and the clues I denied about my love for you. I told them to tell everyone about how much of a bitch Eleanor was and that she wasn't the one that loved you, it was me. Eleanor came to get all of her stuff today, and you want to know what she told me? That she was glad you were gone. I almost hit her right then and there but something stopped me, I'm not sure what or who it was, but I let her walk right out. I'm starting to loose weight, I can feel your sweatpants getting looser on me. I can't eat anything, I could never cook you always did it. Niall came over, a little after the three girls left. He talked to me about how Zayn won't quit drinking or crying. Liam he broke up with Danielle and won't even talk to Zayn, or us. Liam was supposed to be the one who stayed strong, but instead it was Niall. Yeah he misses you but he isn't showing his weakness in front of me. He held me while I cried in his arms, coaxing me and telling me it would get better.
Day Five:
This was the day every single fan wasn't looking for. The band broke up. It started off with me just leaving completely but then Niall chirped in saying he couldn't continue with out Louis here. I sat outside and cried on our stairs in front of the flat. A fan stopped by, she laughed at me when I told her I loved Louis and said you would never love me back. You wanna know how bad I felt? I told her some things I shouldn't have said and she started crying. She was 14 for Christ sake, I feel so ashamed, but I did it because I know the truth about us. Liam finally talked to me, it seems like they are getting better, but I haven't yet. I miss you so much Louis, this journal is my way of talking to you. I can't ever let you go. They dragged me out of the house today, with my tear stained face and matted hair, I looked a wreck. But they told me I needed to be away from the house, so I caved in. Niall took us to eat, Nando's of course. You'll never guess who was there, Eleanor and the three Larry fans. Eleanor walked up to us and acted like she missed Louis, I called bullshit and shouted at her. Perrie, well she did the unthinkable. She hit Eleanor right in the face. As for all the fans around they yelled at me for talking to Eleanor like that and went to protect her. The only ones that were there to wipe my tears were the boys and the three girls. Out of the whole ordeal, I only felt better when the girls were around, because they knew the truth. I still haven't caught their names.
Day six:
I heard you cry my name tonight, like you were in your room having a nightmare. I ran for you, and you weren't there. I cried in your bed that whole night. I look a total mess. The press won't leave our flats, none of ours. They want to know the reason behind you killing yourself. The boys, they told me to stay away from them but I didn't. I simply told the press that Larry was real, and I was the reason you killed yourself. I hate you Louis. Every single thing about you, I hate. I can't believe you would be stupid enough to take the easy way out and kill your fucking self. Do you know how depressed I have been since you did it? I want to fucking see your face again. My mermories aren't enough anymore. I hate you so much, I can't believe your making me blame myself for this! Its days like this that I just want to cuddle up with you and laugh at your jokes and have you play with my curls. Its days like this where I want you to tell me you love me. It hurts to breath, I'm barely even able to write this, its all your fault. I don't think there has been a day that I haven't cried out for you. Wanting you to be there to comfort me. Why did you put this on me?
Day Seven:
Today, it was a good day. I went to your grave and I saw a girl. She was about my age and she was weeping. Seeing her sit in front of your grave broke my heart, so I walked up to her. All she could do was quickly wipe her tears away and hug me. Her name was Chloe and she was only 16, a little younger than me. Chloe told me about how much she loved you and always tried to get you to notice her and you never did. She told me that you were always paying attention to me. I told her I loved you more than a fan could even understand. She cried on my shoulder until it got dark, and then apologized for ruining my whole day. All I could do was thank her for having me realize someone loved you as much as I did. I know I wasn't supposed to, well actually we aren't under management anymore so I couldn't have cared, anyways I gave her my number. We texted all day about the things we loved about you, atleast we had another way to remember you by. Maybe just maybe things are going to get better.
Day Eight:
I miss you. Its that simple. The boys came over today and we watched a movie, your favorite movie. And you know what? I sang along, just like you would. Although I couldn't quote Danny Zuko as good as you could. Today, I went to the market, you know before the boys came over and I saw Eleanor, with a boy. I told her that you really didn't love her, because you know we were in love. She literally laughed in my face. I smiled at her and paid for the popcorn, she was pitiful. To top it off, Niall found the note you wrote me. I was reading it while I was shaving this morning and forgot to put it up. I feel like shit for the way he looked at me. At that moment killing myself would have been way better than hearing him tell me he hated me. I couldn't even look him in the eyes Louis, do you know how bad that made me look? I'm loosing everything Louis, slowly but surely I can feel myself going numb. I can promise you I am loosing every single feeling I have left.
Day Nine:
I did it. I came out on twitter and told everyone that I was gay. I think about 4,000 people unfollowed me. One thing that caught my eye though, were those three girls. Each one of them commented on there and told me that they were there for me. I instantly followed them. Cassie, Briannah and Leslie were their names. Niall still hasn't talked to me, even if its only been a day. I miss his Irish accent, not as much as I miss you though. I love you so much Louis, I miss seeing your face, I miss everything about you. On another note, I hate you also. I hate how you left me on this earth to suffer and got through hell until I can see you again.
Day Ten-Fourteen:
Nothing really happened it those few days that I missed. Except that I slept in your bed. It was the best nights sleep I had ever gotten. Today, Zayn came over we literally talked until he couldn't keep his eyes open. Sleep has became my worst nightmare. Everytime I fall asleep, I dream of you lying on that bathroom floor. Cold and dead, exactlly how I feel at certain times. Zayn told me that he asked Perrie to marry him. She said yes, Louis.. He asked me to be his best man. Sometimes I wonder if you were here, if that would change anything at all. I miss you way to much. Its like that is all I can say anymore. I miss the way it felt having your lips touching my neck when we would cuddle at night, or how it was when you ran your fingers through my hair. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love you Louis. Its so hard, because I love you, but hate you at the same time. I hate that you left me in this hell to suffer without you. Or go through the pain of wondering when my time to crack is, you know? I can't do this anymore Louis, I'm so scared.
Day Fifteen:
I hate you. Its simple as that. There really isn't much more to this entry but exactly that. I hate every single thing about you Louis William Tomlinson.
Day Sixteen:
Niall forgave me today. He still doesn't understand why I kept the note from them all, but I did it because I didn't want them to know why you killed yourself. I still don't forgive you, or my self for that matter. He guesses that I had a good enough reason to keep it from him for that long. Louis, I don't how much longer I can go on like this. I cut myself for christ sake. Imagine if the boys saw those scars on my wrist, well more like fresh wounds. It felt good to see the blood running down my arm and seeing it ooze out of the fresh blade markings on my wrist. I can't do this anymore, I just don't have the strength. I cry everyday now, screaming out for you. Hoping you will come running in the room and kiss my matted curls like you always did when I was sick. I miss every single thing about you, but for me? I give up, I give up on everything, from my family to life itself.
Day Seventeen:
Your mom called today. I spoke to her and your sisters for a few hours. They sounded strong like they were slowly recovering. For me, I knew they could hear the tears in my voice as my lips puckered hearing them talk about the good times with you. I wanted to tell the so bad that it would be the last time they would hear my voice, the last time they would ever be on the phone with me. Its settled Louis, I'm going to join you. I'm not sure when, but when I work up the courage, I'm going to do it the exact same way you did. I've already bought the pills, they are sitting in my, i mean our bathroom cabinet. I have to make sure its the perfect time, you know letting the boys know how much I love them before I end it all and join you again. Johannah told me that it was going to get better, she just knew it. You know what? It was because I was going to be reunited with the love of my life again.
Day Eighteen:
I don't even want to get out of bed today, so I'm not. I haven't eaten anything in over two days, and I keep the razor blade beside me so when I feel like I'm dead, I can just cut my wrist to make sure I'm still breathing and alive. I have it all planned out Lou, I know your going to be mad at me, but I want to be with you again. Tomorrow I will be hanging out with the boys for the last time, putting on my fake smile for the last time, and telling them that I was okay for the last time. For today? I'm going to breath it all in and look at old photos of us and talk to the girls that you introduced me to. They make me feel like there was hope again, but in my mind, theres no hope. I'm ready to do this Louis, I'm ready to see your crooked little smirk again and be happy for the rest of our lives.
Day Nineteen:
Told you I could do it. I faked my smile for the last time. I lost track of how many times I told each of the boys I loved them. Tomorrow Louis, we will meet each other again and finally be happy. I'm going to miss everything about Niall. From his contagious laugh to his Irish accent. If they ever find this, Niall know that you were always my favorite of the group. I wanted in every way to be like you. To be carefree and totally out of the know. To be completely talentless when it came to dancing and making jokes. Liam, I hope you stay golden and be the same Liam from when I first met you. I want you to stay exactly how you are, Liam James Payne. Keep the smile on your face and the boys in order. Oh Zayn, I'm sorry that I have to do this to you. I hope Liam or Niall makes a good best man for you. Stay good with Perrie, she looks at you like the way Niall looks at food, pure love. I love every single one of you, but I can't handle it anymore. I hope you guys understand.
Day Twenty:
Well Louis, here it is. In about 30 minutes we will meet again and be happy. Holding hand and running around the gates of heaven, and be accepted for who we are. I've taken the pills and I'm slowly starting to feel funny. I'm not sure if we can talk in heaven, so I'm going to say it here, before I get to weak. I love you. Every single thing about you intoxicates me. From the tip of your toes to the crinkles in your nose. I love you Louis William Tomlinson. My eyes are drooping, and I can feel the pen slowly just scribbling words. I can feel my body tingling like I know its going to give out on me any second. Its okay though, I'm going to be happy with you again. I know I've said it to many times, but I don't think I can ever get tired of being happy with you. This is it Louis, it hurts to breath. It hurts to cry anymore, it hurts to even...
"Harry Styles February 1st, 1994-December 05th 2012."
As soon as the pills kicked in for Harry, he seen Louis. He seen the happiness on Lou's face and the angel wings that had grown on his back. Little did Harry know he would get them shortly. They were able to kiss freely and be who they wanted to be. Happy and free, just like Harry wanted. There was no more pain for either of them, just love that was supposed to be shared those two short years they spent together. Zayn found Harry that day. He didn't know what to do, so he called Liam. The paramedics came soon after and they slowly covered Harry's stiff body from the bathroom floor as Zayn and Liam cried on the couch. Niall, he didn't find out until a few hours later, he hasn't spoken a word since he found out. The boys will never be the same after not only one best friend but two comitting suicide. Harry and Louis, for them it was perfect, they got to sing with the angels and drink tea with The Beatles. They were living it up happily with each other, and they wouldn't have wanted it any other way.