Without Lou

Dear Harry,
Where do I begin Hazz? Let me just start from the beginning. We met in the toilets at the X Factor, did we know that a few days later we would become best friends? No. I think it was fate Hazza, fate. The warmth of your body around mine when we were formed that July 23rd. It was the first hug you had given me. I remember laughing because your curls tickled my ear and my little legs wrapped around your thin waist. I remember it all Harry. Every single memory. I got to know you faster than any of the other boys. You became mine Harry, my best mate. Those late filmings of the video diaries, sitting beside you. Trying not to blush when you looked at me. The dimples in your cheeks, the smile that was more than beautiful. I love you Harry, every single thing about you. I knew then that I was IN love with you. Management suspected something, so they made up a lie. The second biggest lie I have ever had to tell, Elounor. I don't know what was worse, having to pretend to love her, or denying my love for you Harry. I don't think I had ever been so miserable in my life, I still am. Harry Styles, I am not in love with you. Do you see how easy I can get away with that lie? Every single damn day Harry, I had to say it. Do you know how tired I was of hiding behind the script that those assholes made me rehearse? I remember the worse thing about this whole lie was you going public with Taylor. Just writing her name makes me sicker than I already am. Makes me cry more tears. I'm out of tears Harry, I cry way to much. It's lonely here at the flat since you left me. You left me that night. The night I-i kissed you. Stupidest mistake of my life. You never looked at me the same, the way you looked at me the day we met, with love. Now? You look at me like I look at Eleanor. Forced. Do you think that is how I want my best friend to look at me? Of course not Harry. So now do you know what? Harry, I'm writing you my goodbye. I am tired of this Harry, tired of living the lie I have had to suffer with every damn day of my life. The lie that was slowly tearing me apart with every kiss I had to share with her, it should have been you Harry. I can't do this any more. I have them, the pills? They are sitting right beside me on the sink. Why am I writing you this in the bathroom? Becuase that was where we kissed. You were shaving? Do you remember that? You cut yourself so I kissed your chin, then I looked at you. I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to Harry. God I am so sorry I am doing this to you. Don't blame yourself for me ending it. I'm a coward Harry, I am taking the easy way out. Its my life, the only people to blame are myself and Modest! Management. Not you Harry, none of you. Niall, Liam, you or Zayn. Tell them each how much I love them, and give them a message for me? Tell Liam about how much Danielle is crazy for him, about how she looks at him the way I look at you, love. Tell him to take care of you all when I'm gone, make sure he cracks a few jokes. You know to make sure you all get by easier. It'll be easier with out me there anyways, you can be more mature after I'm gone. Then there is Zayn, make sure he treats Perrie right. Tell him to keep singing and hitting those high notes. Harry? Make sure he knows I love him. Let him know that no one could ever love someone as much as he loves looking at himself in the mirror. How he was always fashionably late. Niall, oh God Niall. This one will be a hard goodbye for me. I don't even know how to say it. Make sure he knows to stay golden and stay the food loving kid he is. Tell him how jealous I was of his golden locks and contagious laugh, how he cold light up a room within seconds of stepping in. How when he passed gas, he blamed the stinky ones on Liam. Oh yeah, and tell him that he was my best friend, the one that was there for me after you left. Then there is you Harry. Do you know how hard this is going to be? How much this is hurting me telling you goodbye? There were just no other solutions to me. Continue to stay strong for me, like my love stayed strong for you this whole time. Think of ther ways to get out of the slump you will be in. Think of me, of my smile, my voice Harry. Just think of me, whenever you get sad. I love you Harry. I don't know how many times I can say this to you. I'm an innocent victim but yet, I am so helpless to myself. I can't do this Harry, I can't keep fighting for the love I don't deserve. I pity myself every single day when I look in the mirror. When I see myself with out you. When I have to force my self to see myself marrying Eleanor. I can't do that to myself, I can't suffer for the rest of my life. Harry, I am going ballistic. I am sorry you have to come home to this, god I am so sorry. I love you so much Harry, so much that it hurts me to do this to you. I didn't give you any clues because I know you would try to stop me. I don't want to be stopped though. Harry, we possess memories for a reason. Savor them, every single memory you have of me. You couldn't have tried to fix me because I'm not broken, I'm unstable. Unstable enough to kill myself. I'm not sleeping, eating or drinking. Either way without killing myself I was doing it slowly, slowly enough to suffer and continue to watch you play with a girls heart, with mine. I love you Harry, I know I've said it a million times. Its just you have to know how I feel, before.. before I'm gone okay? My mind is always warped and twisted, turning like snakes in a pit. I can't continue Harry. I've taken the pills, and swallowed them. It just a few minutes they will kick in. For now? I am going to tell you how much I love you. Harry Edward, I love you enough to melt the moon. I love you enough to spend the rest of my life with you. Waking up beside you, kissing you every morning. But you know what? I'm a coward, who can't handle confessing his feelings to you. So I am doing it now. All thats left of yesterday is the thoughts I had of how I was going to do it. Shooting myself would be way to messy. Hanging myself? If I did it wrong I would suffer hours upon hours until finally, my heart stopped. I wanted it to be quick enough, but not take a while. I called a suicide hotline and they asked me why I was a coward. You know what I told them? Love. Love was making me do it. Harry, love my breathing is getting heavy. I think I will go take a nap, right here on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. My eyes are heavy, it hurts to even breath in. The tears just won't stop falling. Harry what did I do to myself? God Harry I love you so much. I am so sorry, I will see you on the other side. Remember I love you and please, don't ever forget me. Don't forget the way I looked at you, the way I felt for you. The way I am feeling now. Cold, helpless and in pain. In just a few seconds the pain will end. My breathing is shorter now, it's coming in little huffs like it doesn't want to come out. My chest is hurting bad enough to make me scream. This is it Harry. It's over, I love you. Goodbye.
-Love always,
Louis William Tomlinson.