Don't You Ever Forget About Me

It's been three weeks since my hospital visit. I've been staying at Christian's house, sleeping on their couch. I spend most nights awake, though. My anxiety's gotten much worse and I can't sleep without having nightmares. I've never believed in a god but every time I awake from a nightmare I find myself crying and my hands clasped, begging to no one that it wasn't real. Begging for my life to get better. I can't really tell if it's been working, I'm always in a sleepy haze.

I have noticed, though, that people at school have found out about what happened. Some girl was at the hospital at the same time we were and as soon as we left she told as many people as possible what happened. I'm not sure if people are making fun of Christian for hanging out with me, but I have been victim to girls calling me an "emo slut" when I'm in the restroom.

Today's been okay, I guess. I'm in one of the classes I don't share with Christian right now. I'm trying to grasp what the teacher's saying, but my sleepy haze is making her words indecipherable. I guess that the bell must have rung, because everyone was filing out into the hallway. But as I stood up to walk over to the door and make my way to my next class some girl who I don't know who's name came up to me.

"Hey, slut, slow down." She told me, her voice told me she was going to tell me something that would give her pleasure seeing my reaction. Depending on my reputation it would probably tear me apart. I stopped, because I knew if I wouldn't she'd attack me. "I know you've been hanging out with Christian a lot lately. You probably want to fuck him, don't you? Well, guess what? He likes someone else."

Her smug grin only widened as I drew my eyebrows together in confusion. "What are you talking about? I don't like Christian, he's my friend. Has been since first grade."

"Yeah, sure. Deny it all you want. But he likes Kelsey. He sent her this MySpace message, saying that he liked her. He's a total dork, so she obviously rejected him. She sent his message to me. He's definitely into her, like really into her."

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt when she told me that. I knew I'd began to have feelings for him. I knew it since before he left for Boston. I knew it when I began hallucinating him. I knew it when I first figured out who I'd seen was actually him that first day six weeks ago. I knew it when he sang me Cancer, and when he held me as I cried. I knew it as I watched him sleep those times I spent the night before I moved in. I knew it that day I stumbled over to his house, and when he hugged me when I walked into the waiting room. I knew it when I thought about him when I didn't sleep. I've always known. I just tried to ignore it.

"That's cool. Like I said, we're just friends. I don't want anything more." I said, forcing myself to sound and look like I meant it.

"Here's the message, in case you want to read it." She handed me a piece of printer paper and walked off. I knew I'd be late to my next class if I didn't hurry so I adjusted the strap of my bag and shoved the paper in my pocket, walking fast to the next class.

When I sat down the bell rang. I thought of pulling out the paper she gave me and reading it, but I didn't want Christian to feel embarrassed. So I kept it in my pocket as we passed our notes and listened to the teacher.

The piece of paper never left my mind. I was still thinking about it, about what Christian must have said. I wondered how he'd tell me he liked me if he did. If he would make paragraphs explaining that he liked me or if he would just bluntly say it in a sentence. I was silent on the walk back as I thought of things that would never happen, and I could tell it was bothering Christian.

"Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?" He eventually asked me after his attempts to clear his throat, try to start a conversation, and stare at me until I said something failed.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just thinking." I replied, forgetting to mask the emotions in my voice.

"About what?" He asked. I looked up from the sidewalk and I saw a half worried half curious smile gracing his face.

"Uh, nothing." I stuttered, looking back at the sidewalk. When I looked into his eyes the immediate thought that ran through my head was 'kiss him. You know you want to.' I was shocked at myself.

"You sure?" He asked playfully. "It didn't sound like nothing. Come on, tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"Christian, it was nothing. Drop it, please?" I said softly, making myself look into his eyes and not blush.

"Fine. Want to listen to music when we get home?"

"Yeah, sure." Christian regarded his house my house as well. It was nice, but I don't think anything would really be home. I don't even know what home is.

Soon enough the five minutes walking time between his house and the school was over, and I escaped to the bathroom to read the MySpace message he sent to this Kelsey girl.

When I finished reading I was absolutely destroyed. I tore it up so no one could read it anymore, and threw it in the toilet. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands so he'd think I was actually using the restroom. I walked back to Christian's room with a heavy heart and tried to keep myself from crying. I cursed myself for ever liking him as I walked into his room .

"Hey Victoria. What do you want to listen to?" He questioned, twirling in the cushioned chair in front of his computer.

"I don't care, you can pick." I said, my words held an undercurrent of the sadness coursing through my veins. He'd never told me he liked anyone, I assumed he just couldn't be bothered by the girls at my school.

"Wait, what's wrong? Come on, Victoria. Please tell me." Christian said, picking up on my mood immediately. I loved and hated how he could to that.

"It's just.." I tried beginning. "I just.. I don't know. I guess I just really miss my mom. It's been coming back to me a lot lately." I told him, sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed. It was a lie, but if he caught on to it he didn't bring it up. Instead, he played music and we sang along to the songs we knew.