Meet Me by the River's Edge

"Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

Tell me why you broke me down
And betrayed my trust in you"

I lay awake for a while, the clock told me it was 8:14 in the morning, aka much too early to be awake. But I couldn't sleep and I hated tossing around with all the hard feeling from last night ghosting through my mind.

So I made a decision. I made the decision to make today a good day. Jack had promised me multiple times to come with me to meet the little bug.

He promised!

I would not be the little girl who cries over a boy and lets him get under her skin. No, I was Billie Harvey, I was strong, I would get over this. I would kick life so hard in the nuts it would never mess with me again.

And what better way to start the day then with a nice Christmas drink from Starbucks ?

I slipped into my ripped jeans and pulled on a black tank top and on top of that a big, cozy sweater in the brightest pink I could find. Today was a happy day, so that called for a happy color.

I laced my boots and wrote a note for Jack to tell him when and where to meet me and placed it on the table and made sure to leave a text on his phone as well as on Alex' , to make 100% sure he wouldn't forget about today.





Chicago was impressive, so many skyscrapers, so many people.

Everyone seemed in a hurry and like they were doing a marathon. This city was cool, but I felt like a fish out of water. I really wasn't fond of being rushed.

I spotted a Starbucks and the warm air engulfed me as I walked in and the sweet aroma of freshly brewing coffee met my nose. Perfect.

I ordered a Gingerbread latte to go, and made my way to millennium park. I mean, hey I was in Chicago so I though it was mandatory to go and have a look at that weird metallic bean thing.

It was not as impressive as I thought it would be, but it was pretty cool.

Two hours were gone since I left the bus and I still hadn't heard from either Alex nor Jack.
But they were probably still sleeping ... right ? He would be there later ... he promised.

The cold air started to seep through my clothes and I started to shiver. Maybe I should've brought a jacket. I took the beanie out of my bag and placed in on my head to at least shelter my ears from the cold breeze. They really don't call it the 'windy city' for nothing.

Just then my phone beeped signaling an incoming text message ... from Alex.



Hmm... Jack wasn't on the bus huh ? Well then. God I couldn't wait for him to meet the cutie.



I had made my way through Chicago, before I stopped at a building that looked like some modern art gallery. I wasn't really someone who was great on art. I could appreciate a good drawing or a nice sculpture but art galleries were not my territory. What made me stop at the all glass building, was a big poster advertising the recent exhibition.

" Home - a photographic reminiscence, by Nolan Mastwick "

Wow, was this really MY Nolan ? My childhood friend that made me start playing guitar, that nursed my broken arm when I jumped down the tree in his backyard, the one that little me was head over heels in love with?

It was definitely worth finding out.

I still had enough time before I would meet up with the others so I bought a ticket and walked into the gallery.

There were long halls with crispy white walls and a squeaky clean wooden floor. The walls were aligned by photographs in black and white.

Photographs of houses and trees, of a little girl on a swing, a close up of someone's eye, a smiling older man that showed slight resemblance to his father, a picture of a guitar that looked weirdly familiar and many more of things I didn't recognize.

I walked into a room where about 5 people were crowded around a guy who was talking, I bet some weird artsy dude who thinks his big words make him look sophisticated when they actually make him look like a fucking dickhead.

Just then a picture at the other end of the room caught my attention. It was a picture of two hands holding a Polaroid fotos.

A Polaroid photo I knew. I was on it. Little middle school Billie and Mattie and Nolan. Wow, so this was MY Nolan, there was no other explanation.

Apparently he wasn't around right now but I found a little flyer that said he would have a signing for a photography book he just released. He would have a signing in Baltimore just a few days after we would return home. Perfect, I would most definitely go and see him.

Slowly I made my way out of the gallery. Wow, Nolan was an artist. A pretty popular one as it seems ... and he hadn't forgotten about me or Mattie. It made me think. He wasn't that much older than me, and he had his fucking own exhibition in an art gallery... and here I was, working a job I didn't like, living in a crappy apartment, unable to let someone close ... and when I let someone close I get a big punch in the boobs.

A glance at the watch showed me that it was time to make my way to Garfield park to meet little Georgie.

I bought a shiny red candy apple and double checked my bag for all the things I needed before I took the bus to Garfield park.

Jack still hadn't contacted me and when I wrote Alex another text, he told me that all the guys went out for food and will be going bowling later, but that Jack wasn't with them.

I just hoped that nothing had happened to him.

Quickly I took my phone and dialed his number.

It rang once ... twice ... three times and then went to voicemail.

Same the second time I tried it.

" Hey this is Jack, can't pick up the phone right now ... I'm probably masturbating. Call back later or leave a message. "

Yeah fuck you too.

The park was huge but soon I spotted the big gazebo thing in the middle and then ... that cute little girl with the long brown hair and the shiny grey blue eyes.

" Georgie " I called her loudly and as she swung around her eyes locked on me and she smiled widely showing me that some of her teeth were missing.

" Billieee. I missed you so much " she squealed as she flung herself into my arms. I swirled her around in my arms and placed a loving kiss on her head before sitting her back down on the ground.

" Oh my Georgie, look at you. You are growing up much too fast missy. Much much too fast. You look so pretty Georgie " I hugged her again and saw Amy and Dave walk towards us.

I hugged them both one after the other.

" Hey Anabelle, how are you "

" I'm ... "

good ? are you really Billie ?

" ... fine. How are you guys ? "

" We are doing wonderful. But we have to rush so, you'll bring Georgie home at 6 ? "

I nodded and hugged them again before they left the little one and me alone.

" Okay I have presents for you Gee "

" You have ? " she gasped and her eyes widened before she started happily jumping up and down.

" First of all, I know you like candy apples so here " I handed her the sticky sweet. " And then here's a Minnie mouse plushie in a belle dress that Clover brought you from Disneyworld. AND here's a shirt ... It's from a band I tour with and their guitarist is the boy I wanted you to meet "

My mood dropped when I thought about Jack. I really REALLY hoped he was okay. I really hope he hadn't forgotten about me.

" Oohh there's a dinosaur on it " she cooed, completely in awe about the shirt.

" There is, you like it ? "

" I love it, thank you Billie "

" No problem little bug "

She looked up to me with her big blue eyes and then looked around the area, her face scrunched up and she looked confused. God she looked adorable.

" Where is the boy ? " her mouth opened in a little pout and she looked just as disappointed as I felt.

" Honestly Georgie ? I don't know. I hope he's on his way but ... I really don't know "

" Aw that is silly. I wanted to meet your boyfriend "

I left out a huff of air .... boyfriend, yeah right.

" He's not my boyfriend sweety. Hey how about we get some waffles from that booth there and sit down by one of the picknick tables and see if he comes? "

" Yaaay waffles with Billie " Georgie screamed enthusiastically and jumped up and down once again.

I ordered out waffles and we sat down at a table. The little girl munched away on her food and blabbered something about the new season of phineas and ferb.

As we sat there I admired the little bug, she was the strongest little girl I had ever met. But I guess we have to rewind a little and start a lot earlier for anyone to really understand the bond me and the cutie have.

When you spend lots of time in hospitals , you meet lots of people. And that may sound like a wonderful thing. It's not. In fact, it's a horrible thing. Because there are two possible scenarios. Either they're going to die, or they're here because they're watching a loved one die. I bet both scenarios suck.

Little Georgina had just turned 3 when I met her, she was a gorgeous, happy little girl who adored nothing more than her mother. Her mother who was dying of thyroid cancer.

Her mother, Jess, was a woman, not much older than I am now. She raised her little girl all by herself, no parents that supported her, no father for her little angel.

Jess and Mattie shared a room for quite a while and Georgie was allowed to stay with her mom. So whenever I went to see my sister, I saw the little one too. We bonded a lot during that time. She became something like the younger sister I never had. We played together, I took her to the zoo, we got ice cream together ... basically we did a lot of things to keep her entertained.

Then one Christmas, when Jess knew she wasn't going to live long enough to celebrate another, we all celebrated Christmas together in the hospital in oversized pajama onsies, with our very own little plastic tree, with good food made especially for us by the lovely nurses, and many presents for little Georgie.

Jess talked to me during a quite moment ... and she was scared. Scared of what was going to happen to her child when she was gone. I promised to keep an eye on the little one forever. I couldn't take her or I would've but I was in no place to raise a child. But I made sure she got to live with good people. Amy and Dave were lovely people, they took good care of Georgie and she was ... relatively happy with them. She still missed her mom, I mean who wouldn't, but Amy and Dave loved her and she loved them back.

" Why is that boy not your boyfriend ? " Georgie asked me sheepishly as she munched the last piece of her waffle.

" Because ... because there is another girl he likes more than me " that was the easiest way to explain to her what kind of weird and complicated relationship me and jack had.

" Hmm...is she prettier than you ? " she wanted to know, a look of confusion painted on her face.

" She is really pretty "

Georgie scrunched up her little nose " You are really pretty too. Maybe she has a pool at her house. Marky Meyler was in love with me but then he found out that Stacy Green has a pool at her house and now he's in love with her "

Oh that little girl, could cheer me up without even intending to do so.

" That might be it, come little bird, we're not letting Jack ruin our fun now are we ? " I threw away her paper plate and sat her on my shoulders running through the park.

We fed some ducks, went on a little paddle boat ride, went to the museum of sience and industries and had a look at the Walt Disney exhibition which was amazing for both Georgie and Me, because we both shared our love for Disney. God, Clover would've freaked out if she saw this.

Eventually we ended up at an arcade, it's been several hours now and whenever I glanced at my phone, indicating I had no text from Jack, my heart broke a little more each time.

" Skeeball, Billie win something " Georgie cheered as we approached the skeeball booth.
If there was one things I was good at, other than sex and bottling up my feelings, it was definitely skeeball.

I threw one ball after the other and in no time we had quite a score and enough tickets for a big fluffy dog and a smaller little stuffed kitten plush toy with light blond fur.

" Want to get ice cream " I questioned Georgie, of course she wanted to.

I got her a scoop of vanilla and one scoop of cookie dough and topped it with whipped cream and sprinkles.

I got myself a scoop of mint chocolate chip and coconut and sat down with Georgie.

She dug her spoon into the icy sweet and happily ate away, before her eyes met mine and again she had that confused, curious look on her face.

" Do you like that Jack boy ? " she asked.

" Yeah of course I like him "

" Do you love him ? " hesitantly the words left her lips and my heart began to speed up a little . Did I love him ? Did I love Jack ?

" ... I don't know "

Georgie chuckled and shook her head.

" Do you know his favorite movie ? "

" Yeah Home Alone "

" Favorite Ice cream flavor ? "

" Cookie Dough "

" Favorite color ? "

" Blue "

" ... see you love him " she said as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

" You know what ? Maybe I do "



When I dropped Georgie off at Amy and Dave's we both had tears streaming down our faces. We would see again, sooner rather than later, but non the less I would miss her to death.

" Here take the kitty and give it to Jack ... and tell him that I really wanted to meet him today " she sniffled as she handed me the plush animal.

" I will, I bet he would've love you Georgie "

" I love you Billie " she said and hugged me real tight.

I placed a kiss on her cheek and told her that I loved her too, waved goodbye to Amy and Dave, and went back, on my way to the bus.



As I sat in the subway I made up my mind, I did love Jack. In some fucked up, self destructive, totally messed up way, I did love him.

And holding back, beating around the bush, keeping it to myself, would only cause more problems and pain and heartache. So for once I would be the brave one and tell him just how I felt.



The guys must've been at the bowling alley like Alex had told me earlier, Jack hadn't talked to them the whole day though, to I doubted he would be with them.

I stepped into the warm bus and heard muffled voices. I couldn't quite make out who it was but it was more than one person.

The further into the bus I walked the more it became clear to me what was happening.
I stood in between clothes that seemed like they had been discarded during a heated intimacy session.

A bright red g-string thong, a matching bra, skinny jeans ... a boner shirt.

" Oh Jack, oh ... oh god ... yeees, oaah "

I knew how she felt, I was in that position not too long ago. I bet she had a great time. I hoped she was worth ditching me for.

I was never jealous in my life, never ... until this point.

But maybe this was the warning shot. I came here with the intention to tell Jack how I felt ... but this, this saved me from doing so.

My heart was bursting into a million little pieces and I felt each and every one of them poking holes into my chest.

And yet ... maybe suffering in silence, doing this on my own and not showing my pain, maybe that was best. This way I didn't have to face Jack when he laughed into my face and rejected me.

" Oh Trish, oh fuck "

... I took that as my cue to leave. Apparently I wasn't as wanted here as I thought.
Walking down the dimly lit streets I knew where I wanted to go, but I also knew it would take a while because A) it was quite a distance and B) I cried so hard that I had to stop from time to time to dry my face and wipe the tears from my eyes so I could see properly.

I didn't blame Jack, I really didn't. This was my fault in the first place.

Love is just not meant for me, I should've known.

To Jack I was the exciting new toy, I wasn't the usual good girl with her ass-kissing-attitude that clung to his every words. I was broken and he wanted to fix me ... and maybe after all I was more of a challenge then a lover.

How nice to know that it only takes a remotely hot brunette to make him forget about me completely.



" When in Chicago (and I know you will go there sooner or later), go all the way up on Sears Tower. And when you're on the very top, look down. Look at it all and look how vast it is, and how wide ... and how beautiful. The world is at your feet Billie. Don't dwell on things that happened in the past, don't get stuck on me. Live Billie. You're a smart girl, and the world is at your feet. You just have to reach out your hand and grab it "

Mattie was right. As I stood up there, on the very top of Chicago's famous skyscraper, overlooking the bright city lights, I realized how vast the city is, how big the world really is.

And just how insignificant I was. To Clover, because she would soon be happy with Alex and find her happily ever after. To my parents, who never gave two shits about me. To the Guys, they really only connected with me because Jack always dragged me along. .... and especially to Jack, he had his Trish and ... I was just a short bump in the road of their story. I just wasn't the hero of this story. I wasn't meant to have a happy ending. The world wasn't at my feet Mattie, I was just one of those little lights that made the city shine ... I didn't make much of a difference really. If I broke no one would notice until one day, maybe I would get replaced by a brighter light ... or in this case, a big boobed, brunette bombshell.

And let me tell you, that epiphany I had ... that made me want to throw myself down the tower head first.

I promised myself never to become the self conscious, pitiful, weak girl.

And yet here I was, on the skydeck of a skyscraper, surrounded by lovey dovey couples telling each other saccharine sweet words that were as fake as Pamela Anderson's tits, while I cried my heart out ... and god did I look ugly while sobbing.

I promised not to cry over a guy again, not after Devin.

I guess Jack and I both seem to have one thing in common, we both like to break our promises.



I didn't see Jack that night or the next morning. We had just arrived in Cincinnati, Ohio when he came crawling from his bunk, Trish had left before we left Chicago but Jack still sported his messy sex hair.

" Sup shortie, you liked Chicago ? " he asked, while getting himself a sandwich from the fridge.

" Uh ... yeah was ... interesting "

" Yeah ? Glad you had fun. What did you do yesterday ? "

God did he really not remember ? Was he really that dull ?

" I met up with a friend "

" Cool cool, you okay shortie ? You seem so distant " he said and I gritted my teeth and I really had to restrain myself. Come on Billie don't start drama. Suffer in silence, remember ? If you learned one thing from your parents it's that. Never show anyone how much you really hurt on the inside.

I tried so hard and I was so calm ... but then that asshole really had the decency to nuzzle his god damn nose on my neck and places kisses from my neck to my cheek and almost ... almost to my lips.

" Are you kidding me Jack ? You really think I'm going to make out with you now that your 'Chicago Girl' is gone ? You expect me to be put on hold whenever you feel like it ? And then you go around and bang every girl in sight and come back to me when they're not available ? You got a Cincinnati-Girl too ? "

Jack's eyes were wider than ever and he looked a mix between angry and ashamed.

" Billie...I ... I'm sorry. Trish is, she's special to me I'm sorry but ... Jesus It's really not your place to decide who I have sex with "

" No it's not, we're not a couple we're just two people who had sex once and tried really hard to make it something it wasn't. This was never a friendship Jack. This was you trying to fix me and come out as the hero that helped the broken girl and made her feel again. As for me ? I desperately clung to the hope that I wasn't the slut everyone made me seem to be. That I could have relationships that meant something, that the days of meaningless sex were over ... we're just not meant to be Jack. You and I don't work. We're not a couple so go and fuck whoever you like to fuck and I will do the same and I will get a flight from Cincinnati back home ... because where's the point in this "

" Billie no... "

" Yes Jack ... " by now I was crying " ... but do you know the worst part ? Your plan worked. For a moment you actually fixed me a little .... I really actually believed I loved you for a minute. How fucking stupid am I ? Oh ... and here " I took the plush kitten from my bag and threw it at him.

" That's from Georgie, the girl I wanted you to meet. She was excited to meet you Jack. I really hope the orgasm was worth it ... you not only let me down that day, you also let Georgie down ... and she's 5. And she understood what you meant to me without a word. It's funny isn't it " It wasn't and we all knew. It was more like a noose around my neck that got pulled tighter and tighter the longer

Jack stayed silent.

I wanted him to sweep me off my feet, admit his mistakes and kiss my pain away.

But he didn't, he didn't admit any mistakes, he didn't kiss me ... and his silence only cause me even more pain.

" Billie ... I'm sorry "

Of course he was, they always were.

I took my bag and stuffed a few clothes into it as well as my makeup bag and my cigarettes and wallet and stormed off the bus.

My cheeks were without a doubt tearstained and my eyes red from crying.

It seemed like that was all I did lately.

How could I be stupid enough to lay my heart on the table when I knew in the beginning that this was a dirty game and there was no way I could win ?