Meet Me by the River's Edge

"I really think for once that I can change;
It's really not that bad.
I'm learning now that I was wrong in everything
And there's a reason why I think that I can grow;
It's really not that bad.
It's in the way you had, it's in the way you had
Me all wrapped up like I'm a part of something finally,
And I'm never looking back."

" He said what ? "

" I love you "

" Excuse me, what ? "

" He said ' Well too bad, because I love you "

" And then he left ? "

" Yup "

" Didn't show up at the airport when you left either ? "

" Nope "

" And you haven't heard from him since ? "

" No, Clover I haven't "

" Wow ... unbelievable "

I was sitting on my bed, my ginger best friend propped up next to me, curiously listening to my story about the day when Jack said 'those words'

It was true, I hadn't seen him since he walked out of my hospital room, not when I got to leave the hospital, not when I packed my bags, not when I left for the airport, and not when my plane left from Cincinnati for Baltimore.

But that gave me time to think. Time for myself. Time WITH myself. Time that I spent mostly crying and then being angry at myself for ... well, crying.

And when I couldn't cry anymore, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the window and I was so disgusted with what I have become. This was not the life I wanted to live. This was not how I wanted to go through every day.

I wasn't crying purely because of the things Jack had said or done, they were hurtful yes, but mostly I was crying because of myself. Because of the person I was. The person I didn't want to be.

Maybe in a different time me and Jack could've worked out well. In a time where I wasn't so fucking messed up and broken.

I needed to fix myself before I could open my heart for someone else. I became too dependent on him, too quickly. I needed a stable personality before I could even think about a relationship.

" Clove I want to quit my job "

She looked at me wide eyed, like I had just told her that I wanted to adopt a child.

" You what ? "

" I want to find another job. At some magazine or something, a job that I genuinely like. That will bring me closer to my dream. Closer to my own book. Clove ... I need to fix my life. And starting with a decent, proper, job I really want to do ... sounds like a good idea to me " I told her my plan. And if I say plan... well I didn't really have a proper plan. But I knew that I had to change my ways drastically. Calm down with the drinking and the partying and the guys. And focus on myself. I was good enough, I was worth something. I didn't need a guy to reassure me that I was worth something. I just had to make myself believe it, feel it!

" Billie, if you need to do this to be happy then I will support you every step of the way. I know we're not the mushy type and that we both like to keep our feelings to ourselves but ... I really love you Billie and I'm so happy to call you my best friend and I see it as my duty to have your back through everything, just as I know you would have mine. So later you're going to call in and tell them and then we're going to find you a proper job and one day I'll hold a copy of your book in my hands and read 'To Clover - my best friend and the first girl I would bang if I rolled that way' on the very first page and know that you made it .... with my help " Clover giggled.

I threw a pillow at her making her let out a little squeal. Though I knew she meant it, beneath her joking facade she meant every word. And once again I became aware of how grateful I was to call this girl my best friend.

" I love you too Clove, I really truly do "

" Remember that after I told you what I'm gonna tell you now. " she said and gave me an uneasy smile. Something was up. Something I wasn't gonna like very much.

" Clove, what is it ? Spit it out "

" Uh, ... so you know the guys are in town for Thanksgiving ? Well, Alex asked me if I wanted to spend it with him and ... I might've said yes. I know we always celebrate together because your family sucks and my family lives in New Orleans but I just can't say no to his puppy dog eyes. Please forgive me Billie "

Okay that really sucked. Clover and I used to spend Thanksgiving together for the last few years. As she said, her family lived in New Orleans, her brother and sister-in-law were swinging between Nevada and Baltimore and well my family sucked.

I was sad that I would have to spend Thanksgiving alone I was really looking forwards to celebrate this holiday with my best friends, but oh well. Clover and Alex were cute in a weird, totally surprising way.

" It's okay, don't worry. I still love you. But I have one condition "

" Anything, god Billie you're the best " she cheered and wrapped her arms around my body, squeezing me so tightly I was about to choke.

" Let me breath please "

" Oops sorry "

" Okay so my condition is : You have to tell me what happened Halloween Night "

She took a deep breath and turned to look at me. Her hands wandered through her hair nervously.

" Well, after I had a talk with Zack where he told me he didn't want a committed relationship. I went to get a drink .. or two, at a bar. Guess who I met there ? That's right, Alex. He tried to drown his sorrows just the way I did. Apparently his girlfriend had broken up with him again. We started talking, exchanged numbers and texted nearly every day. Because he felt my pain and I felt his. Halloween night they were back together, fair enough that's his decision. But then she was all over another guy and they broke it off again. I wanted to console Alex and we talked for quite a while up in his room ... and then we kissed ... and slept with each other. And the next morning ... he said it was the biggest mistake he had ever made. That 'we' should've never happened. That it was all the alcohol talking. I now know, that his ex was there in the morning, she begged him to take her back, eventually she told him she might be pregnant ... and he freaked. But she wasn't and he apologized to me profoundly and ... well you know the rest. I really like him Billie and I really can't wait to see him. "

" He likes you too Clove, a lot. Hell that boy dedicated a song to you " I reassured her.

" I'm still grateful you recorded that, that was amazing "

I nodded, thinking back to the amazing night, the way Jack's hand felt in mine and the butterflies in my stomach as we watched the sparkling skyline.



Breathe

He's the same guy you knew back then

He was friends with dorky teenage Billie, he's gonna love sexy adult Billie.
I nervously pulled at the sleeves of my sweater. I felt like I was burning up from the inside. Seriously
I was THAT nervous.

Why was I so nervous ? This was Nolan I was going to meet.

... maybe because he is a popular photographer and you're at his BOOK SIGNING and you ... well you haven't reached THAT much in your life if we're being honest.

Shut up !

As the line in the bookshop moves forward, I caught a glimpse of the man that was once the boy I played hopscotch with.

My nerves were doing summersaults, I was so anxious and nervous. What would he think of me ?

Would he be disappointed ? Ashamed ? Hell would he even recognize me ?

Soon enough I was standing in front of the table as I placed the book before him, he didn't look up to me yet.

His hair were still the same dirty blonde but not as curly as it used to be back in the days. The sleeves of his plaid shirt were rolled up and you you definitely spot that he gained some nice defined muscles.

He looked hot!

" So who do I sign this for ? " he asked and lowered the pen to the first page of the book.

" Can you write ' To Annybelle ?"

His hands stopped abruptly and slowly he lifted his eyes. " Annybelle ? Annie ? "

" Hey Nolan "



" You actually know All Time Low ? That's awesome Annie ... Billie I'm sorry, I'm not used to your new nickname "

Nolan was so excited when I showed up at his signing. He refused to let me leave and after he almost smothered me in his bear hug, I had agreed to wait for him and then have lunch together.

" Excuse me ? Look at you Mr. I-have-my-own-exhibition-and-photobook. If something is awesome THAT is "

" Oh please " he waved me off which caused us both to laugh. Being with Nolan was easier than I had expected. It was just like old times ... well almost. We were missing one important thing.

" I'm sorry about Mattie. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. You're strong Billie, I'm so proud of you little Annybelle "

I'm not strong, I drown my sorrows in cheap liquor and shady company...why can't people get that.
I kept quite and apparently Nolan got the hint that THIS was not a topic I wanted to talk about.

After a short time of awkward silence, my childhood crush chimed up " sooo what do you do for a living ? "

Ugh, here comes the great story of fuck up Billie.

" I used to work as a waitress slash barkeeper at a lounge downtown. But I recently quit my job. I would love to write for a magazine and one day publish my own book. But I don't have any work experience and I didn't went to college ... so my chances are close to non-existent."

Nolan looked at me but not focusing on me, he was deep in thought.

" Are you any good ? "

" At what ? "

" At writing ? "

" I don't want to sound cocky but I would say so yeah "

" And you are okay with starting as a tiny little writer for an online magazine ? "

" Yeah totally "

" Well then I might have a job for you " Nolan told me and my eyes widened in surprise.

" You do ? "

" A friend I met through the publishing firm, recently launched his own online magazine, he's in need for writers in all kinds of areas; music, film, literature. If you know your shit I'm sure he'll give you a chance "

I felt weird. On one hand I was happy and incredibly excited about Nolan's job offer while on the other hand I felt like I was using his charity. I didn't need his help, I could very well find a job myself.
But it would've been stupid to throw away such a perfect opportunity.

" Thank you so much Nolan that would be amazing. You're seriously heaven sent. Is there any way I can repay you ? "

" Well ... actually there is. What are you doing Thanksgiving ? "

Fucking Thanksgiving ugh.

" Nothing really. I'm definitely not going to see my parents and my friends are spending thanksgiving with their families or significant others. "

" No significant other for you ? " Nolan asked curiously.

My mind drifted back to Jack and what we had together. The 'Thing' I believed could be something like love ... obviously it wasn't ... right ?

" No significant other for me. I'm most likely gonna spend thanksgiving alone on my couch watching a rerun of Friends and eating my body weight in chocolate. "

" Nope. You'll spend it with me. I'm going to see my dad, he recently moved back here and I'm sure he would love to see grown up Annybelle. What do you say ? " Nolan offered me.

Wow, this was a lot to take in. He was going to help me find a job, he was asking me to spend thanksgiving with him and his dad. What comes next ? A wedding proposal ?

I nervously combed my fingers through my blonde locks " Uh, you sure you want me there Nolan ? I mean it's a family holiday and I don't want to intrude "

Softly Nolan placed his hand on my arm " You won't Annybelle, it's an invitation. I want to catch up on your life. We were best friends once, I missed you. Come on say yes "

He was right, he WAS my best friend once and being alone on thanksgiving wasn't the nicest thing either.

" Okay yeah that would be really nice " I smiled at Nolan and he gave me one of his smirks back.

" Then that's settled "



I was sitting on a small grey chair in a small white walled office and thought back to Clover's words.
She told me that maybe my outfit wasn't fit for a job interview, but did I listen ? Nope of course not.

I told her that they can either take me the way I am or kiss my ass. Well I still stood for that but nonetheless I felt a little uncomfortable in my short black peter pan dress and my tights.

" Miss Harvey ? " A guy with a dark brown full beard and warm green eyes entered the room and reached out his hand.

" Yeah that's me hi "

" Hi, pleasure to meet you. I'm James Nichols "

" Pleasure is all mine "

He smiled a warm smile and sat down by the desk in front of me.

" Soo Nolan told me you want a job as a writer for the magazine ? You didn't go to college right ? "

Here goes nothing.

" No I didn't "

" And you don't have working experience in this job yet ? "

" No sir "

" Well then why do you expect me to give you this job "

The warm smile on his face was gone and his eyes had hardened.

" Because I'm good at it and because I will work my ass off for it. I want this job because I know I can be great at it. Pardon my language. It's just ... I've spend most of my childhood and teenage years reading books, I've been writing little stories since I was 10. I may not have a fancy college degree but I can tell a good book from a bad one. And I can write articles, I can be articulate, I'm funny and I CAN WRITE. If you don't want me that's okay, I can't blame you but I will not leave this office without telling you all this. And without wanting to sound cocky, it's gonna be your loss. "

James looked at me for a while before a little smirk graced his face.

" Determination is a virtue miss Harvey ... when can you start ? "

Wait ... what ?

" Uh, you want me ? "

" Yes, you've got the job. Of course I will need some sample writings but I will give you a list of things you can write about and if I like it ... then welcome to the team "

This was something I had not expected.

I thanked him profoundly and we talked for a little more, turns out he was actually a really nice guy.

A huge smile was painted on my face as I left the office and my future workplace. I fumbled out my phone and dialed a familiar number.

" Hey, ... Nolan ? Hi uh ... I've got the job. You up for a coffee ? "



Thanksgiving came and Nolan picked me up to go see his dad.

Michael Mastwick still had the bright smile I remembered. He had more wrinkles around his eyes and his hair was peppered gray. He didn't look old tough he rather seemed ... wise and mature.

He was enthusiastic when Nolan told him that I was really little Annybelle Harvey, the blonde kiddo from next door.

I had an amazing time with those two guys. I remembered why I liked Nolan so much back then, he made me feel comfortable and happy. And on that thanksgiving day, I felt like were were back in time. Back when everything was less complicated, and back when Mattie was here with us.

Mr.Mastwick stuffed my plate with delicious turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy. I knew he was a good cook but I didn't remember his cooking being THAT amazing.

When his wife Meg came home with her younger son Miles, we all sat down in the living room and watched the Thanksgiving parade together. For the first time in a long while this felt like family ... but then again, I felt out of place.

I was happy for Nolan that he had this wonderful family, these amazing people to have his back. But I didn't belong here, I belonged with Clover in my tiny apartment with a bucket of ice cream and a marathon of John Hughes movies on TV.

After the parade was done, Nolan insisted on taking a walk through the park. The wind was blowing around us, chasing the leafs in colors of red and orange around in circles.

I was a little cold in my short burgundy dress as my coat only reached a little longer than the dress itself did.

" Are you cold ? " Nolan asked attentively.

" A little but it's okay "

" No it's not come here " he said and pulled me closer.

During the walk in the park I noticed things I hadn't noticed before, like the way Nolan looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking or that from time to time his hand would brush mine or the constant care about my wellbeing. It was cute really, but I wasn't in for that. I wasn't ready for a relationship and most of all not with Nolan. Nolan was the one good thing that was left from my past I didn't want to jeopardize that. The feelings 10 year old Billie had, were gone and replaced by loving nostalgia and friendly adoration. I was so proud of this boy and the way he reached for his dreams but there was no way I could be with him in THAT way.

" Middle school Nolan would be freaking out " he mumbled as we came closer to my apartment.

" What do you mean ? "

" You don't know ? When we were kids I had the biggest crush on you. I adored you Annybelle "

" Hah well that's funny because I was obsessed with your face ... okay that sounded creepy. But really I was head over heels in love with middle school Nolan. Seriously. I wrote Anabelle Mastwick everywhere "

My apartment was just around the corner, as Nolan pulled me to a stop.

I looked at him confused as he locked eyes with me.

" I lied " he said, his voice a mere whisper.

" Lied about what Nolan ? "

" I said I adored you ... past tense. That's a lie Annybelle. I still do. God when you stood before me in the book store, all those feelings came rushing back. Billie I ... "

Oh god no, Nolan don't say it, don't say it, don't ...

" ... love you "

Fuck.

It's a little ironic isn't it ? For a long while the only person to show me they loved me was my sister. And now I've heard an ' I love you ' from two different guys in less than 2 months. Perfect.

I was desperately thinking of ways how to gently tell him off without coming off too harsh.

But I never got the chance to actually respond to his confession, as his lips engulfed mine in the wettest kiss in history.

His lips moved towards mine so quickly, even If I would've wanted to, which I did not, I would not have been able to respond to his assault.

Just as I was about to push him off, I heard a voice from behind us.

" Oh so it takes you months to open up to me ... but as soon as you're back home you're off with a new guy. Classy Anabelle. Happy Thankssssgiving "

I pushed Nolan away and turned around to face a very drunk, very messy haired and very sad looking Jack.

" Jack I ... "

" Save it. I don't ... I don't give a f-fuck anymore. "

As soon as I had looked into his eyes I felt all those butterflies fluttering again. Jack had an effect on me that no one had ever before and seeing him so broken, made me want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out.

Of course I was still mad at him but that didn't mean I wanted to hurt him.

" No Jack listen this is just Nolan, he's really just a friend " I looked him dead in the eye, determined to bring my point across.

" You kissed him "

" No, he kissed me there's a difference "

" Whatever Billie, it doesn't matter now does it ? " he nervously combed his fingers through his bi color hair.

" Yes it does. And there's no reason for you to be upset "

" There isn't ? " he asked in disbelieve. Our voices were growing notably louder by the second.

" No there really isn't we're not a couple I can go around kissing whoever I feel like just as you are allowed to go around banging your ex girlfriend "

He let out a breath of annoyance.

" Billie cut the crap, I thought we are over the Trish thing "

" But we're not, you just expect me to swallow it and be fine with it, but I'm not. "

" Why the fuck not ? " we had reached the status of 'yelling' by now.

" Because I actually believed in US happening someday " angry tears were making their way down my cheeks.

" Someday is not good enough. Billie I believed in us too but ... but you are so fragile I was scared that I couldn't wait for someday to come soon enough and I would've hurt you sooner or later, I was rather it be now that we were not so emotionally invested "

Did he really think I wasn't 'emotionally invested' in what we had ? Was he really THAT ignorant ?

" Are you kidding me ? You were the first guy I let close in years ... and you tell me I wasn't emotionally invested ? What did you think ? I was just in it for the sex ? "

" No, I mean we only did it once "

" I know " I balled my hands to fists out of frustration, god this guy was driving me mad. " Arg, Jack why the hell are you here " I screamed at him in anger and frustration.

" I wanted to apologize and ... because I love you " he screamed back " Why are you so angry at me ? "

" Because I love you too Jack " and that was the first time since Devin that I told a guy I loved him and I meant it with all my heart.

And what did Jack do ?

He stared and stared and got an uneasy expression on his face.

" Jack ? "

He mumbled out a quite " I hate wine " and swung around, throwing up the alcohol he had consumed earlier, right into my neighbors' flower pot.