Meet Me by the River's Edge

" I can't find a wall to pin this to,
They're all coming down since I've found you.
I just wanna be where you are tonight.
I run in the dark looking for some light,
And how will we know if we just don't try,
We won't ever know.

Let me light up the sky,
Light it up for you.
Let me tell you why,
I would die for you.

" ARE YOU SERIOUS ? I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT "

" Told you she'd freak out "

" I didn't think it would be THIS bad "

" Babe, this is Clover we're talking about, she's routing for us even more than Georgie was "

" You think all that jumping around will hurt the baby ? "

" Aww look Alex being all protective "

" Yeah look at you ... dad "

We had come home from Disney a few hours ago and after giving Georgie to David ( and having a serious conversation with him in which he promised me Georgie would be taken good care of ) we made our way to have dinner with Alex and Clover.
Sunny California was left behind and we were back here freezing our asses off. And yet it felt good to be surrounded by the people we loved most. They were just as excited to see us as we were to see them.

I always thought it was weird when I heard someone say that women have this certain glow when they're pregnant. But it was true. Clover seemed so much happier, so in peace with herself and everything around her. I was so happy for my best friend. She's been chasing the end of the rainbow ever since I met her, always looking for her fairytale to begin. Of course I never would've guessed she'd find it with Alex but happiness comes to us in the most unexpected times and ways. I learned that myself.

" Are you even listening to me ? " Clover's excited squeals caught my attention.

" Clove calm down " Alex said quietly as he stood up and placed his arms around her waist. I did not miss to catch the fact that his palms were placed securely on her stomach. The stomach she insisted had already formed a little bump. That was bullshit. She was skinny as ever. But it was cute how well she had adjusted to the role of a future mother.

" I'm just so happy "

Why was Clover freaking out like a mad woman ? Because Jack and I had told her about what had happened in Disneyland. Especially the fact that we were now officially an item. That fact alone was hard enough to for me to fully comprehend, but Clover ... Clover was taking excitement to a new level.

" I never would've guessed that you, YOU of all people would one day get into a serious relationship. Billie Harvey, the girl that took a different guy home every night, sometimes two at a time "

As the words left her lips, two pair of eyes focused on me.

" Two ? " Alex coaxed out.

" ... at the same time ? " that came from Jack, my boyfriend.

I was not ashamed of the life I lived before, I regretted some of the things but in the end it all lead me to where I was today. It lead me to Jack, to Alex, to slightly more peace with myself. I was nowhere near the end of my road, but for the first time since I lost my sister, I was sure I was walking towards a brighter tomorrow.

And yet Jack learning about my past sexual adventures was not something I was keen off.

" Uh ... yeah that happened before "

" Jesus Christ Jack you're dating a freaking sex monster "

To my surprise, Jack wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to his side, before throwing Alex a smug grin and responding with a cocky " Oh trust me, I know " followed by a wink.

" In all seriousness though, I am so happy for you. I hope you guys stay together forever. Trust me Billie you wont find another guy who's willing to put up with your bullshit. And Jack .... she's hot, keep her " Clover said and hugged the both of us.

She's hot ... that's what my best friend has to say about me, how nice. But I knew she meant it well, she was my best friend for a reason. We both weren't the most smooth talkers when it came to expressing our feelings. Clove was usually reduced to incoherent squealing and a few babbled words whereas I went all sarcastic to mask what I really felt on the inside. I think the last few months did us good though, we learned that sometimes talking about it wasn't the worst idea.

" Forever is the plan " Jack murmured softly into my blonde hair. Forever was a word that usually scared me shitless, but with Jack it was different. With Jack there was another feeling rising in my heart. A warm one, a nice one.

Forever with Jack sounded pretty sweet.

Clover calmed down and went back to the kitchen to get the desert ready and get rid of the dishes. I offered to help her but, as always, she didn't have any of it.

" I'm pregnant, not sick " she hissed at me and proceeded to carry our tables into the kitchen.

" I'm gonna go see if I can snatch some treats " Jack exclaimed, desperately hoping to snatch some dessert before Clover was completely done preparing it. Which he would probably succeed in doing. I did that all the time. Clover just couldn't say no.

I sat down next to Alex snatching the beer he just opened out of his hands and took a gulp.

" Hey, that wasn't nice " he complained.

" Have I ever been nice ? "

" You are .... sometimes "

We both laughed a little before a comfortable silence fell upon us. And yet I wanted to break it, I had to. The last few months and weeks were pretty hectic and confusing and I had no time to actually talk to Alex in private. I wanted to know how serious he was when it came to Clover. She was my best friend and until Jack and Alex came along, she was the only one I had. If he'd break her heart I would make sure to break him.

" So ... how does it feel to know you'll be a daddy soon ? "

The wide smile that spread on his face gave me all the answers I needed " It feels incredible. I mean ... I know this is not how we planned it, at all ... but there is no doubt in my mind about this baby. Clover has become so important to me in such a short time. She gets me like no one else had ever done before. And ... we're going to have a little human soon. A little Clover or Alex ... it's surreal "

" Do you love her Alex, do you love Clover ? "

He hesitated and THAT, I didn't like at all.

" I ... I ... I don't even know her favorite color, or what TV show she was obsessed with as a child or how cringe worthy her first kiss was. I don't know anything about the woman that is having my baby and that scares me shitless, because I do think I love her, I really do but ... the odds just speaks against me. Everything just says that we don't know each other long enough for this to be love "
It made sense, in a way. I understood what he was trying to say. It was illogical, irrational and quite frankly a little fucked up, how one person could feel so deeply for another in such a short amount of time. But I experienced it first hand.

" You may not know that but you know other stuff about her . You know the way her voice sounds right after waking up and how she likes her eggs. You know the faces she pulls when she's caught up in a book and how to read the signs while watching a horror movie to find out when she's scared. You dedicated a freaking song to her even though she wasn't there to see it, just because you felt like it and wanted everyone to know how you felt. If you ask me, I'd say you're madly in love with her. But ... Alex she's having your baby if you have doubts then voice them now because you can't back out later. And don't even think about breaking her heart, oh please don't. "

" I'm not planning on ever hurting her trust me ... I'm pretty sure I love this girl "

" Good because ... Ever since I moved into my apartment Clover has been by my side. Clover and no one else. She was the only friend, the only constant factor in my life for so long. And she's a dreamer, she's a real life Disney princess. She only sees the good in people. Don't mess with that. ... And thank you for making her happy. She really deserves it "

Alex pulled me into a tight hug, it felt nice and comforting and I was glad to have a friend like him and for Clover to have a boyfriend like him.

" I have to thank you too " he spoke up after a while.

" For what ? "

" For finally agreeing to date that idiot. Seriously though he's been super annoying. ' Do you think she'll say yes eventually ? ' ' I really love her Alex what do I do ' ... it was sickening "
Now was my chance to ask Alex the question that has been haunting me for a while now, and finally ease my mind completely.

" Alex ... when you guys were on tour ... did Jack hook up with any girl ? "

Alex broke out into a wide smile, to my surprise.

" Are you actually that stupid Billie ? "

Stupid enough to believe his best friend would tell me if he had hooked up with a girl ? I guess I was that stupid yeah.

" What ? ... "

" Billie, you've been on Jack's mind 24/7 when he wasn't talking about you he was talking TO you on the phone ... He never does that, NEVER. But for you he does. You don't seem like a self conscious person to me, why do you doubt your relationship with him so much "

Because I've been let down one too many times in my life.

" I'm scared "

" Don't be. I promise you, there is absolutely no reason to be scared. I promise you "

And I felt like this promise I could really hold on to.

" Hey Gaskarth, stop cuddling my girlfriend, that's my job "

" Alright alright man, chill. Did you snatch some desert ? "

Jack grinned mischievously and plopped down next to me wrapping one arm tightly around my shoulder.

" Of course I did, man your girl can bake. Damn "

" You wanna switch ? " Alex joked.

" Nah man, mine's got other talents "

" Like ? "

" Uh, have you ever seen her dancing ? "

Now that we were on the topic of dancing, the initial reason of our visit came back to my mind.

" Oh about dancing. Look we wanted to know if you guys would like to come to Chicago with us for New Years ? David and Amy invited us. David works for big company and they're having a dinner slash party. First it's dinner and friendly chit chat, kids will be there too that means I get to see Georgie, and then we watch the fireworks and after that the real party starts. It's at a big fancy hotel. You in ? "

I was excited like a little kid. Since spending those days with Georgie I had just realized how much I missed her when she wasn't around.

" Chicago ? " Alex questioned with an uneasy tone in his voice.

" Yeah Chicago " I didn't really catch his drift.

" You think that's a good idea, after last time ... "

" Alex " Jack cut him off.

My mind drifted off to the last time we were in Chicago and with those memories came the picture of one face that would forever be burned on my mind.

Trisha

I bit my lips nervously, just thinking about her stupid perfect face made me anxious.

" Alex, what happened last time is of no importance " Jack said sternly as his arms went around my waist tightly.

Alex nodded his head in understanding

" I know. I know you're smart enough to know Clover would probably castrate you if you pulled a dick move like that on Billie ... again "

" I'd castrate him myself " I mumbled but I was sure they both heard me.

" No one is castrating anyone, I have caaaake " Clover squealed and entered the room.

The talk about Chicago was long forgotten but the uneasy feeling in my guts just wouldn't go away.



" I'm going to puke "

" Calm down "

" No really let's just leave "

" Billie ... "

" She's already 5 minutes late, she probably wont even come "

Just as I had set my mind on the one and only decision to get up and leave, the face that I haven't seen in months came around the corner.

She looked as tired as always. Her eyes were sunken in and her hair was strawy and dull. She walked with her shoulders slumped, and her light pink sweater hung loosely around her figure. She was so thin.

What surprised me though, was the smile she was sending my way. It was so warm and loving and not the fake smile she used to wear to mask her pain.

" Oh Anabelle you look wonderful " my mother cooed as she reached our table.

Softly she pulled me into a hug. I haven't hugged my mother in a while. It was strange but still I liked it. She was my mother after all.

" And you, I've met you before too isn't that right ? You're Anabelle's friend ... James ? " she said as she granted Jack the same loving smile she gave me before.

" Jack " he said as she pulled him, too, in a hug.

" Oh excuse me "

" That's okay. And yes we met before ... I'm not her friend though "

" Oh you are not ? " Mom asked confusedly as she sat down at the table.

" He's my boyfriend mom "

For a moment I could see a sparkle in her eyes, the one that I had rendered forgotten years ago. I never knew it could still light up from time to time.

" That is wonderful. Anabelle, he's such a lovely man. "

" He really is mom, you have no idea. " I said and wrapped my arms around jacks side.

Mom smiled to herself before she ordered herself a tea, peppermint, like always.

" So, why did you want to meet up sweety. Don't take me wrong, I am so glad to see you, especially as happy as you are right now, but I am surprised. "

Jack fumbled under the table until he found my hand and laced his fingers with mine. For emotional support I guess. And that was all that I needed.

" I went to Mattie's grave and ... and I saw the picture you left mom. "

Her face fell after I said that. I wasn't sure why though. Because I had mentioned my dead sister, or because I noticed the photo ?

" I'm sorry, If you want me to stop leaving things I will "

" God no, mom you can leave her all you want. My god I would never tell you to stop that. I was just ... surprised. I didn't know you came to visit her "

She granted me another little smile.

" She was my daughter Anabelle, of course I visit her. "

She was your daughter all right but you also wanted her stuff out of your house to make room for dad's mistress.

" Do you ... do you remember that day when the photo was taken ? "

Mom looked up with a smile " I do, you guys were so cute. ...I sincerely hope your baking skills are better now though "

Jack let out a " Nope " but tried to mask it with a mock cough. This earned him a laugh from my mother and a soft slap on the shoulder from me.

" Mom ... You could've called me. We could've gone to see her together. I'd have appreciated that a lot "

Mom looked shocked for a moment " I thought you didn't want to see me. I thought you didn't want me in your life Anabelle "

" Oh please, that is bullshit. I miss you mom ... you're my mother, I love you "

" Anabelle ... "

" No let me finish or I'll never say it. I know you fucked up in the past. And it kills me to know that you didn't even try to stop me from walking away. You just stopped trying to be a good mom. And that makes me more sad than anything else. But you're still my mom and I still love you. And I don't want our relationship to suck like it does at the moment. So ... could we like ... could we go see her together next time ? "

It felt good to let it all out for once. I was never this open and honest with my mother. I felt weird but very good. I felt like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders. A weight that was there ever since I was a kid. I felt Jack place a kiss of reassurance on my temple.

" Of course we can, oh baby of course. I love you too Anabelle " Mom said.

She reached out her hand and I followed suit and she lovingly stroked her thumb over my knuckles.

" I am so proud of what you've become. So incredibly proud. "

This was the first time in my life that my mother told me she was proud of me. My heart was doing somersaults.

" I ... I could use your help too " she said timidly but still with a little smile on my face.

" Sure whatever it is I'll help "

She took a big breath and I could tell that whatever it was she was going to say, it was not easy for her.

" I want to leave your father. He's pushed it too far. The love doesn't outweigh the pain anymore. I need to get out of there but I need help to get my stuff out of the house. I already signed a contract for a small apartment and I can move in there next week... would you maybe help me get my things out and into my new place ? "

I gripped my coffee mug tightly, so tight I was surprised it didn't crack. I didn't think I would ever hear her say those words. Never would I have believed that she was going through with this. For years I wanted her to take this step, not only for my sake but also for her own.

This man had emotionally abused her ever since I can remember, he was a terrible father and a horrible husband. But she stayed and suffered in silence.

I knew what they had wasn't healthy since I was 3 years old. And now, with 21, I could finally see the day where she understood as well and would leave his sorry ass.

" Are you being serious ? "

She nodded, her eyes where looking at me anxiously.

" Dead serious "

" Oh mom of course I'll help you. Of course I will "

I stood up and pulled her into a hug and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was save in my mother's arms. I felt like back when I was 3 and she hugged me after I woke up from a nightmare.

" I love you Anabelle " I could hear my mother's tiny voice mumble into my hair.

" I love you too mom "

Make peace with mom ? Check!



New Years Eve.

Chicago

Jack and Alex has gone all out to to treat ' their girls ' to a good new years night. It started when they booked us first class seats for a 2 hours flight.

It was a waste of money but Clover rubbed her barely there baby bump in awe as she noticed that whenever she gave a wave with her slender hand, a fake smiling horrifically hyper flight attendant was at her back and call to place one cottage cheese sandwich after another into her hand.

We arrived in Chicago at around 3pm and when we stepped inside the Hotel both me and Clover couldn't believe our eyes.

While she left out a piercing high pitched squeal, I mumbled some breathy ' Oh my god's '.

Our hotel was called The Palmer House, it expensive, fancy, and incredibly gorgeous.

We had not planned on staying here but had routed for a cheaper alternative ... but you know the boys. Only the best for their ladies.

So we checked in and went up to the rooms the boys had rented us. Naturally I shared with Jack and Clover with Alex but right now it was 9pm and Clover and I had barricaded mine and Jack's room to get ready for the new years party.

" Can't believe he's making me do this "

" Clover "

" No ... no really. Billie, we're talking about wedges. Alex makes me wear wedges. Yes I'm pregnant and all, but no heels for pregnant Clover ?! Seriously " Clover was whining for about an hours already.

Alex had apparently told her that he'd like if she didn't wear her killer heels anymore as long as she was pregnant. I understood his reasoning but I also understood her dislike for wedges.

" He's just looking out for you Clove " I tried reasoning with her but when grumpy, Clover is reduced to a whiny 4 year old.

" I knoooow, but wedges Billie " She squeezed herself into her tight floral lace dress paying extra attention to her boobs. " You're not gonna wear heel either right ? Solidarity and all ? " She said to me as she pulled her dress into position.

" Eh ... " I had planned on wearing some of my most sparkly, blood red stilettos.

Clover turned to me with furrowed eyebrows and a scowl on her lips " No ... no Billie. Anabelle. NO "

" Clover "

" Billie what about ... Feels before Heels ? Huh ? Show some sympathy "

" Dude you're overreacting "

She took a huge sigh and nodded " Alright then, fine. But only because I love you "

" Love you too ... mommy "

A wide smile spread on her cute face " Can you believe it ? " she asked and stroked her belly absentmindedly.

" That you're having a baby ? Or that I'm in a committed relationship ? "

" Both "

" Not really ... it's crazy isn't it ? "

" It really is "

" What's crazy ? " that was my beloved boyfriend's hyper voice echoing through the room as he and
his loyal companion stepped through the door.

" You're crazy "

I could hear him laughing as he rounded the corner but it stopped abruptly as his eyes fell on me " Oh wow ... you are so incredibly gorgeous "

He looked at me the way every girl wants to be looked at. With pure adoration and genuine respect. Like every inch of my body was worth being worshipped, like I was a delicate rose that could sting you hard if necessary ... like the woman he was irrevocably and madly in love with. And being looked at that way is a pretty awesome feeling.

But let's be honest here, I did bring it. I did bring it bad time. A few days before Christmas I had treated myself to a new tulle skirt. It was about knee length and bright cherry red. I wore it over a simple white top and as I said before of course I wore my favorite red heels. Though because it being new years and because we would probably go outside later to watch the fireworks, I had to wear a light black jacket over it.

" Thank you babe, you look pretty handsome too "

We shared a quick kiss before Jack turned towards my flame haired best friend.

" Clove, looking sharp. Cherishing the time while you still fit huh ? "

He had that grin on his face that people sport when they think they've made a good joke whereas the rest of us were just silently staring at him in disbelieve. He did NOT just say that.

It felt like hours that we just stood there and I'm pretty sure you could hear crickets chirping in the distance, before Clover spoke up.

" You're such an ass Jack " and with that she speed walked out of the room followed by Alex and then me and Jack.

" Did I say something wrong ? I just wanted to make a joke " he mumbled into my ear as we walked towards the ballroom where the dinner would be held.

" Uh well let me put it this way. There was only one topic to be avoided today and you managed to hit exactly that nerve "

I looked up into my boyfriend's eyes and could see deep concern painted on his face.

" Do you think she'll forgive me " he sounded like a little kid that just broke his mother's favorite vase.

" Yeah, just bring her some food and she'll be back to being your best friend "

He let out a sigh of relieve.

" Thank god ... okay then I'd say let's go party "

" I'm excited to see Georgie "

" Oh I am too, missing the tiny princess a whole bunch "

Hand in hand we walked down to the ballroom and as I had predicted Jack and Clover rekindled their friendship over a piece of apple cake.

" Billie ... Jack " I heard my favorite little girl call from the other side of the room as she ran towards me and Jack.

Jack crouched down to Georgie's height and she flew right into his embrace.

" You want his babies " a voice said over my shoulder.

" What ? "

" Billie you're feeling broody, I can tell. The way just look at him ... damn "

" Clove don't be silly. I love him and I love Georgie ... and I love them together. But I don't want kids ... right now. We're only officially going out for a few days ... and I'm not mommy material anyway. You just want a friend for baby Gaskarth "

She laughed and nodded her head before she spotted peanut butter cookies at the other side of the room and left me standing there watching Georgie tell Jack about her dress.

I walked up to them and the little girl wrapped her tiny arms around my neck as Jack still held her propped up on his hips.

" Hey little one, you look beautiful "

" Thank you. Jack said I look like a princess "

" You really do. Where's David and Amy ? "

" Uh ... over there with the mister in the red suit. He looks so grumpy "

" Oh man he does " Jack answered her as we both looked at the man that currently held a conversation with Amy and David.

" Let me just go and say hi and then I'll be back with you guys alright ? "

" Yup I'm gonna stay here with Jack "

I nodded and made my way towards David and Amy and could pick up on parts of their conversation.

" Yes it's our first child " Amy said as she placed her hand over David's that was softly stroking her tummy.

" Oh ... what about the little girl though ? "

" That's Georgie, she's just in foster care with us "

" How nice, are you planning on adopting her ? " a woman asked Amy.

She grimaced a little and looked over to David as to ask him to answer.

" We were planning to but now that the baby is in the picture ... we think we might not "

I felt as if the whole world had suddenly stopped rotating and came crashing down on me. They were not planning to adopt Georgie ? They were not planning to keep her ? She would have to go back and social services would have to handle her and she'd be all alone again.

Tears started to prick at my eyes as I walked up to them.

" Hey An ... are you okay ? " Amy asked with fake kindness.

" Can I talk to you for a second ? " I didn't wait for her answer but dragged her away from the crowd. David followed us quickly.

" You don't want to adopt Georgie ? "

Their faces fell and I could tell they had not planned on telling me about this.

" Look Anabelle it's difficult " David started to calm me down.

" Difficult ? What is ? The fact that you want to give up on a little girl because you don't need her anymore ? Because you can now have your own kid ? "

" Billie look this baby ... it's our miracle. We were told we could not have kids ... and now it happened. Our own miracle. And two kids are ... hard to take care of Billie "

" Your miracle ? And what about Georgie ? She's not a miracle ? Have you seen this girl ? She's almost still a baby. She's so tiny and fragile and yet she's the strongest and most positive person I've ever met. I cracked ... she did not. Don't give her another reason to fall apart "

" Anabelle this is none of your business " Amy sneered.

" Yes it is. She's not a place holder. She's not there for you to train how to raise a child. She's a real living girl. You can't do that to her "

Amy stepped forward and pointed her finger at me accusingly " And what are you gonna do about it Billie ? This girl is none of your concern. You are not, in any way, related to her. Nor do you know how to raise a child. Jesus you're almost a child yourself. How old are you 19 ? 20 ? 21 ? ...and what do you do ? Sleep around with strangers and drink until you can't walk. Do you think that is a surrounding for a child to grow up in ? What do you want to do Billie ? Take her in ? Even if they would give her to you, you would ruin this girl. You would get her killed one day. You can't take care of yourself for god's sake. Grow up before you tell others how to raise kids. You're not a mother Billie ... and you probably never will be. You're a failure "

That hurt. Not the ' Ouch - you could've said that nicer ' way. No this was more like ' Ouch - that just crushed my heart into tiny little pieces and ripped open wounds I thought were slowly closing '

I wanted to answer her, give her a snide remark, stand up for myself. I just couldn't. I was physically incapable of doing anything.

Amy's eyes were still focused on me with an incredible intensity for a few moments before she nodded, mumbled a ' thought so ' and walked towards the other side of the room.

It took me a few minutes to compose myself and as I turned around I met Jack's eyes. He stood behind me and I had the feeling he had heard everything.

Before I could say a single word though, he had wrapped his arms around me and ran his fingers through my hair.

" It's okay baby ... you wanna get out of here ? "

I just nodded, I was still not capable of doing anything else.

I was numb.

I was dead inside.