Meet Me by the River's Edge

All that I wanted was a little touch,
A little tenderness and truth, I didn’t ask for much, no
Talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time…

Miss Atomic Bomb
Making out we’ve got the radio on
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

Racing shadows in the moonlight
We’re taking chances on a hot night
And for a second there we’d won
Yeah we were innocent and young

The dictionary defines a one night stand as follows :

a single, unrepeatable sexual encounter, as one lasting for just one night.

One night ! That was a rule I lived by. This was basically what my life consisted of. No feelings except for the high you felt during an orgasm. And frankly, I did have some guys were I didn’t even feel that.

Anyway, I always and I repeat ALWAYS stuck to my rules. For quite a while now I’ve walked this road and everything went smoothly.

That was until Jack came along.

When I noticed he was still in bed after I woke up I knew things would be more complicated than they usually were but THIS ? This was torture.

Jack sang along happily to a pop punk tune on the radio while driving along the busy streets of Baltimore in the direction of where the outskirts lay. The woods and the rivers…and my parents house.

And trust me I never intended for Jack to meet my parents, in fact I never wanted ANYONE to meet my parents, I didn’t even want to see them myself. But having my slightly clingy one night stand drive me there was just humiliating.

How did I end up here ? What did I do to you ?

Oh come on that bit of premarital sex and those few illegal substances can’t make you that mad at me now can they ?

During my mental conversation with god, where I have to admit he was quite the passive one, I suddenly remembered how I got into this situation.

Oh right, because my mom’s a bitch.


I clutched the phone anxiously in my head, I bet my grip was almost breaking the screen.

But could anyone really blame me ? I moved out of my parents house just a few weeks after Mattie’s passing.

I had just started my self destructive way of living and met this guy Pablo, who’s older brother was the owner of ’ The lounge ‘. And that was just convenient.

Pablo had a liking in me, not sexually, but in a way that he seemed to look through my defensive mask of self hatred and recklessness and wanted to help the girl hidden behind it.

He got me out of my “childhood” home and allowed me to live with him until I had enough money to pay the rent for my own apartment.

Pablo also made sure that his brother got me the job at his lounge and a few months later I had my very own, teeny tiny, loft apartment.

My father had never wasted a though on me, not a single one, I bet he didn’t even notice I was gone. As for my mother, of course she made some big ruckus about me not being mature enough and that I should go to college and pursue my dreams.

The funny thing was that my mother had no idea what my dreams were, she had no idea what I was good at and what I liked to so. She never cared so who was she to talk about my future plans ?

But then again, it’s not like they mattered after Mattie’s death.
Dreams are worthless bullshit that wont pay the rent.

Anyway, I haven’t seen my mother since the day I moved out. My father, let’s not even include him here.

Mom tried to keep in contact via phone calls for the first 3 weeks and eventually lost interest so this call was definitely about something important and knowing my family, probably something unpleasant.

“ Anabelle, I need you to come here and get the rest of Matea’s stuff. We need the room. ”

They wanted to throw Mattie’s stuff out ? Didn’t they want some reminder of their daughter ? Well if they weren’t going to cherish her memory, I certainly would.

“ When do you want me to get it ? “

She cleared her throat heavily. God she sounded so worn out and tired. I felt a pang in my heart. She was my mother after all, should I maybe visit her more frequently ?

Who are you kidding Billie ? She doesn’t give a shit about you, never did.

" Well, today. We need the room empty by tonight ”

Was she for real ? Ugh this woman was mad. There was something seriously wrong with her.

" Woah okay and you didn’t think to call me a little earlier ? Like someday in the last few months ? ”

Jack kept kissing my shoulder and neck and his hands stroked soft circles into my upper arm. I don’t know whether he hoped to get a morning fuck out of it or just wanted to soothe me, but in that moment I didn’t want him to stop. He felt like some kind of mental support during this horrific phone call, just his presence made me fell safe in some weird, slightly fucked up way.

“ It’s short notice I know but we need to get it out by tonight so either you get it or we’re gonna trash it ”

Yeah go on, trash your dead daughter’s remaining belongings. It’s not like you cherished her while she was here, or visited her in hospital. Go on keep disrespecting the girl who raised her little sister all alone while growing up herself. Mattie was such a remarkable person and I would never ever forget what she did for me.

“ Alright I’ll be there soon. But, just so you know, you’re being a downright bitch, bye mom ”

Jack suddenly stopped kissing my body and pulled away, as I turned around I could see his eyes were opened wide.

" Why did you stop ? ”

He raised his eyebrows even higher and looked at me like I just grew a second head.

" You just called your mom a bitch, that’s kind of a shocker, not gonna lie ”

Oh right, not everyone had such a bad relationship with their family. Figures why he’s shocked.

" Yeah, well the truth is harsh sometimes huh ? ”

I think he sensed that I didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t press the topic any further and for that I was incredibly grateful.

This was just a fucked up start to a shitty day, fortunately today I wouldn’t have to work and could see Clover later tonight, which did lift my mood slightly.

Subconsciously I combed my hands through my hair looking at my phone once again, noticing I had 1 unread text message.

From : Clover
" Hey honey bee, sorry can’t make it for dinner. My brother’s fiancée wants to have a ‘girls night’ with all her bridesmaids. Kill me please !
Anyway I hope you had fun last night, give me a call later and maybe we can have dinner tomorrow ?
Love you, xx Clover “

Oh great, no Clover tonight. Just peachy. But then again, I knew she’d much rather be here with me than with her brother’s bubbly fiancée who was so cute she was probably made of sugar. It was sickening really.

I got up and fumbled through my drawer while Jack still sat on my bed wondering about my conversation earlier.

" Alright Jack, I’m gonna shower now. ” I just hoped he would get the hint that this really wasn’t anything other than a one night stand. I mean he was gorgeous, the sex was mind blowing and he seemed so caring and lovely through the whole night. In another life we probably could’ve been good friends, maybe even more, but not now. I promised myself not to get too close to anyone anymore and I already broke this rule with Clover because that girl just wouldn’t let go once she wormed herself into my life. I couldn’t develop any feelings for anyone. Not even friendship. Because feelings make you vulnerable and that means sooner or later you get hurt. I think I’ve had my fair share of pain and I was only 21.

As the hot water cascaded down my body my thoughts wandered. I found myself wishing that I would’ve met Jack some other time. Maybe earlier when things were relatively fine. Then maybe he could’ve helped me through all of this shit and I wouldn’t be such a fuck up now.

Oh shut up Billie, as if anyone would’ve want anything to with you. Not now, not ever. You’re the party girl, the smoking bitch, the sex toy. You are NOT in any way interesting or desirable.

After a while I dragged myself out of the shower and away from the soothing warm water that made my body relax but my mind speak up even louder.

I dreaded the drive to my parent’s house, but even more I dreaded talking to them. I hadn’t had a conversation with my dad since…I guess we never had a real conversation. And mom wasn’t too close to me either. How was I supposed to behave ?

My clothes were soon slipped on and I felt a little more comfortable. I wore my most cozy jeans and my flowy Star Wars shirt. I remembered the day I got it like it was yesterday. I loved star wars and when I had my first job as a teenager I found this shirt at a secondhand store and HAD TO buy it. It was good as new and I loved star wars with a burning passion. Inside this bitchy shell lived a full on geek.

As I walked into my bedroom I saw my bed deserted and Jack’s clothes were gone. I guess he must’ve taken the hint then. For a second I was a little disappointed, with Jack things seemed different. Like he wanted to know the girl inside of me Anabelle, not Billie.

But Anabelle is gone and Billie is the real you, remember ?

Woah, these self dialogues are getting out of hand.

As I pulled a zip up hoodie over my shirt I heard rattling from my kitchen.

Well, maybe he wasn’t gone.

And sure enough Jack was standing in my tiny kitchen trying to work something on my stove that seemed to go all wrong.

I caught myself staring at him, admiring him. His eyebrows were furrowed and he bit his tongue that stuck out a little at the corner of his lips. He looked cute, like a little kid that was trying to do something for his parents but fails royally.

Wait, was he making breakfast ?

" Jack ,hell what don’t you understand ? One night stand. The first reason of a one night stand is … “

" Don’t talk about the one night stand ? ” he interrupted me as he turned away from the stove, that little teasing smile always in the corner of his mouth.

" And as much as I’d like to go for round two, simply because you deserve a treat for slipping a fight club reference into our conversation, the answer is no! The first rule is : NO BREAKFAST. Breakfast means communication and that’s gonna be awkward, alright ? ”

" Nah come on. This is just a pleasant surprise. You always act like you’re sooo outgoing and reckless and brave but then you stick accurately to your weird little rules. Just take it easy for once. By the way, isn’t this what you girls always expect ? Breakfast the next morning ? “

Take it easy ? It’s quite hard to do that, and isn’t that just ironic ? I have to hold me so tight together, scared of breaking into pieces once again, I can’t just ‘take it easy’.

" I didn’t even expect you to still be here this morning “

" Well you probably didn’t expect two orgasms last night either, and you have to admit THAT was a pleasant surprise. And wasn’t that nice of me ? ”

There it was again, that teasing smile corner of his mouth. That smirk that made me want to punch him in the dick but also grab his face and smash my lips to his.

" You’re a fucking saint ” I grumbled trying desperately to suppress a smile that wanted to spread on my face.

" I have my moment, but eh…about the breakfast … ” he trailed of showing me the pan. A black blob of goo that was burned to no extend and was supposed to resemble a pancake in it’s first life.

" Great Job, okay so now that the breakfast question is done, let’s go I have places to be and people to meet ”

" Hah, yeah your beloved mother huh ? ”

I didn’t want anyone, and I mean ANYONE, to get involved with my family. It’s hard to say it but I do admit that I was ashamed of my family. Not because they were bad people, I believe my mother was a genuinely good person, life had just put her through more than she could handle and she grew so bitter of it all. No I was ashamed because of what they had become through the years. So ignorant and uninterested in anything that happened around them.

" Now that REALLY isn’t any of your business “

And again it seemed like Jack could tell I went from joking banter to serious shit in a matter of seconds. He didn’t press any further nor did he respond with a snappy remark. He just nodded and he looked…understanding. And that was something I did not experience that often.

" Alright, um, shall we ? ”

“ Yeah ”

See, this was the awkwardness I wanted to avoid.

We grabbed our jackets and made our way to our cars, an awkward silence settling between us. For the first time I didn’t want to say goodbye, I felt a lump in my throat. I liked Jack, genuinely liked him. But there was no way we could see each other again. My life was complicated enough without him involved in it.

" Okay then. I hope … you have a good life. I guess “

Geez Billie, you’ve done this a thousand times before (not literally but … you know) what was different this time ?
Well maybe it’s because Jack is a good guy.

" Seriously Billie ? That’s how we’re gonna end it ? Have a good life ? I don’t think so. Come here ”

" Jack wha.." but before I could end my sentence his lips were on mine and a tingling feeling took over my body. If there was one think I could do for the rest of my life then it was kissing Jack…and eating chocolate chip mint ice cream. It’s a tie. But come on ice cream is heaven and if you knew how good this guy could work his lips then you’d feel the same way.

" We could be such a good team and I’m not even talking about a relationship or sex or anything of that kind. I just think we’d be great friends. Like Han and Chewie, Frodo and Sam,…Jack and Billie ”

And for a moment I considered it, considered letting my walls down and taking a shot at something that may leave me even more broken if it didn’t work out.

But I couldn’t risk that, not again. I was walking the tightrope with Clover, that was enough risk for me.

" I don’t do friendships, haven’t you noticed. I’m sorry Jack, thanks for last night. I really really hope you get everything in life that you ever wished for. ” I placed a last kiss on his cheek and got into my trashy old car mentally preparing myself to meet my parents.

But of fucking course nothing ever works in my favor. Nothing. Ever.

Instead of a roar the only sound the car made was a loud bang followed by black smoke coming from the hood of the car. Are you fucking kidding me ?

" Need a ride princess ? “ and right then I could’ve slapped him across the face just for that self righteous smirk.

And that is how I ended up in a car with my one night stand, on the way to see my parents with whom I hadn’t talked for a pretty long time.

If that’s not awkward then I don’t know what is.

As Jack happily sang along to the songs on the radio, I already spotted the old wooden house with the peeling blue paint and the broken picket fence. The old wooden swing on our front porch was only held by one chain and the little pond next to the house was dried out.

I think this house reflected it’s habitants perfectly. It reminded me of my mother in a way. There was potential and it was pretty once, no doubt. But time left it’s marks and no one really bothered to change anything about it, so it was left to wither alone.

My heart started to beat faster as I could make out the figures that came outside. My mother’s hair was a lot longer and darker than when I had last seen her and she looked so tired. Yet despite it all she tried to give me a little smile.

Then there was the same hunky guy with whom I shared a house for many years but never held a single conversation with. My father. Or Harry as I called him ever since I was 9 and he yelled at me for calling him dad stating that ’ there was no proof that he actually was my dad’.

But there was another person, a person I hadn’t seen for many years. A person I never held much interest in. A person I could definitely go without seeing.

" Everything okay Billie ? ” Jack was a magician at noticing when something negative was going through my head.

" I really don’t know ”

and that, for once, was nothing but the hard truth.