It's a Giving Game

Giving someone the entire world is an impossible thing to do. No matter how much emotion storms inside of you whenever your significant other comes to your mind, it’s still entirely unlikely that any and every wish you have for them will be granted. Jack can’t do a lot of things for Alex. He can’t give him everything on the earth, though even that wouldn’t be enough to show how much Alex means to him. But there are things he can do, and though they may not mean much to Alex, Jack will settle with it because it’s all he can give.

Jack would move himself and Alex into the most extravagant, luxurious house he could find, if it weren’t for his shit pay at his shit job that has him surrounded by a ton of shit people. So Jack hasn’t really got much at all, little to work with and little room to be picky when looking for a flat with Alex. It really puts him down when Alex is hyped about a certain space, but it’s way out of Jack’s price range and he has to tell the elder it can’t happen. But Jack does what he can, tells himself he’ll just skip out on shopping trips downtown and late night movie dates because he wants to give Alex all he can, and the most he can do is the two bedroom apartment that Alex says he loves, the one Jack knows he’ll be struggling to pay for every month.

Jack would give Alex every single puppy within a mile, because Alex is a sucker for any animal of any type. But Jack isn’t the best with hand eye coordination, so wrangling up stray dogs through the city of Baltimore would be quite a feat. So Jack surprises Alex with just two of the little scraps of fur, because that’s all he could afford at the pound for Alex’s twenty-third birthday. And he’ll be short on cash for a little while because he gets just above minimum wage and dogs are expensive to adopt. But Alex is smiling and giggling as the animals attack his face with sloppy licks and tiny paws, so Jack is okay with cutting down on shower times to keep the water bill lower and treating himself to good times less than he has been.

Jack would kiss Alex every single second of every minute of every day, for the rest of their lives until they’re six feet under. Jack honestly can’t pick a favorite feature off of Alex, because there’s too much to adore. But Alex’s lips are what Jack likes to touch most of all, with his tongue and the pads of his fingers and his own battered mouth. Jack and Alex have the need to breathe though, as well as a need for food and water and other necessitous things. So Jack kisses Alex every single chance he gets instead, when he’s not eating or drinking or doing other things with his pretty mouth. As soon as Jack’s eyes are open, right before they close, while they’re innocently washing each other’s hair in a sweet shared shower or as they’re snuggling up close to watch a movie on the couch; Jack sees to it that their lips are crushed together because Alex is always commenting on how good of a kisser his lover is.

Jack would hand over a bushel of flowers to Alex when he got home every day, telling him he hoped he had a good day and that the gift was for him because he deserved it. Jack already pulled quite a few strings with getting Alex his two dogs though, and can’t really afford to buy an expensive bouquet after every long day at work. There’s a patch of daffodils and daisies and pansies and zinnias that Jack knows about though, a colorful bunch of flowers all nestled together in a cute little bundle. It’s in the park, along the length of the sidewalk, and though the park isn’t necessarily included in the route Jack takes to get home, he goes the extra mile on a detour and gets a different flower to bring home to Alex every single day anyway, because Alex is most definitely worth it.

Jack would take Alex to expensive dinners every Friday night, just to spoil him and treat him to nice food and a lovely night. Peyton’s recently had to go to the hospital though, for running just a little too fast on a walk and tripping over his own leash. The poor thing’s fractured leg costs a ton, and Jack honestly doesn’t even really care for Peyton all that much, likes Sebastian more, but there’s no way he can let the little pup suffer so much. All the money Jack had been keeping for a nice night alone with his beautiful Alex is thrown to the veterinarian to pay for surgery, and while it makes Alex feel better knowing Peyton will heal up alright, now there’s no fancy Friday night at all, won’t be one for a long while.

Jack’s no cook, but he tries his best regardless, surprising Alex with a nice bowl of macaroni and cheese that he knows Alex will like. It eases his mind into thinking that though the evening Jack had been planning for months won’t be happening like he wanted it to, they still have dinner together anyway, and that’s good. It’s not top quality, and it’s definitely not even close to what they both would have been eating at where Jack had been planning to take Alex, but Alex hadn’t known about the surprise dinner anyway, so he doesn’t care that the meal is easy, only takes eight minutes to cook. Jack’s still upset that his special evening was swapped for a dog cast, but the smile on Alex’s face is enough of a say that he likes what Jack could barely give him anyway.

Jack would throw Alex a spontaneous, all-out birthday party, with pop punk music and streamers and an incredible chocolate cake. It’s tough to get over the rough patch of a leg surgery though- money-wise, that is, because Peyton is roughhousing with Baz like he hasn’t got a thing slowing him down. So Jack buys Alex what he thinks will be the best, yet most affordable gift. Alex doesn’t receive a gourmet chocolate cake with a colorful design and thick fudge in the middle, isn’t surprised with a collection of his favorite friends and an array of food and alcohol for a raging party. Instead, Alex gets a couple new albums on vinyl, the latest from both Fall Out Boy and The Wonder Years. Jack knows Alex prefers records over CD’s, because he claims the music is smoother and clearer and the album art is sharper. So that’s exactly what Alex gets, because he loves the music and he needs to catch up with new releases. Alex is pleased with his gift, and though Jack wishes he could do better, he’s still content with the bright smile from Alex, even though the gift isn’t much at all.

Jack would give Alex a magnificent wedding with glorious decorations and an orchestra pit to set the mood. He knows that after just buying the simple gold band for Alex’s hand though, that the dream reception he had in mind isn’t going to be a possibility. Alex doesn’t need much anyway, just his close friends and family and the love of his life for a nice celebration. Jack can’t get the world’s top wedding planner to help them out, but he gets someone from the local bridal shop to help them set up what they can afford. Alex walks down the aisle while squealing inside like the little girl he is, silently counting the beats in his head to one of his and Jack’s favorite songs, played acoustic as well as instrumental because they feel that Brendon Urie’s voice isn’t really appropriate for a wedding. And while Alex is acting like a child as he smears frosting over Jack’s cheek, Jack’s twinges of disappointment in himself are gone just as soon as they came up. Alex is fine with the small, half-heartedly decorated cake, and Alex’s happiness was all he was really striving for in the first place.

Jack would take Alex on a cruise from the Atlantic to the Pacific and back, because he remembers hearing Alex say in the eighth grade that sailing on a massive ship across the seas was his ideal honeymoon. Though even with the extra money his mother had given the two as a wedding gift, because she’s always been indecisive and couldn’t settle on what to buy her son and his husband, Alex’s desire to spend a week or two on a luxurious ship just can’t happen. Jack feels stupid as he’s rowing along in a duck pond, settled in this wooden-canoe type thing that he rented for specifically this though he doesn’t really know how to use it. It’s adorable how Alex laughs at the birds dunking underwater after the bits of bread and splashing around as they preen their feathers, but Jack feels sort of dumb because this is nothing compared to the honeymoon Alex had dreamed about. Just gliding along the waters of that beautiful pond in North Carolina is all Alex could ask for though. The six hour car ride there was even an added bonus, because nearly breaking Jack’s car speakers with an old Brand New record and singing along with the windows down is one of Alex’s favorite things to do. Jack still thinks it’s not fair to Alex that he didn’t get what he wanted, but having Jack as a husband is all he could ever wish for, anyway.

Jack would surprise Alex with a bedroom filled with roses on their tenth anniversary, would supply them with endless bottles of wine and light candles all around the room that would flicker while they watched Alex’s pick of movies. Jack’s never been the best with dates though, and despite the fact that he’d only forgotten their wedding anniversary two times leading up to the tenth mark, he’s made it a third on their first double-digit year. Once he recalls that that day’s date was the same one he’d gotten married on ten years ago, he’s nearly knocking Alex over in a hug that’s sincerely apologetic, gushing about how he’s so incredibly sorry and that he’ll do or buy anything he wants to make it up to the elder. Alex is laughing though, because it will never stop being the cutest thing ever that Jack cares about him and his feelings so much. Also, it’s funny how Jack is rushing sorry after sorry past his lips when even Alex had forgotten as well. They both share a long, hard kiss before agreeing on pizza to celebrate the milestone, having a lazy, cuddly night together and sleeping the night away with their legs tangled as always, sneaking little pecks in before sleep takes them over.

Jack would keep the magic of Christmas that comes with being a kid bottled up and tucked away somewhere safe, if he could. He’d keep all of the excitement and pure awe just kept in a cupboard to be stored and left alone until the holiday came. That magic that Jack used to love about Christmas time though, the twisting in his tummy after waking up and gaping at the presents, wondering how he hadn’t heard Santa- it had long since vanished, somewhere around his fifteenth birthday. Gift exchanges and carpets of snow were fun and made the month of December brighter, but what adults called hype about the holiday season wasn’t like the kind of cheer that wrapped him up from the inside out, the kind he used to get when he was only a kid. Jack wants every Christmas to be special, for Alex, because he truly thinks his husband deserves only the very best when it comes to anything, Christmas being no exception.

Jack just hasn’t got the same sort of pep in him that he used to, and as much as he’d like to give Alex the same sort of wonder he knows they both miss, it’s something that just can’t happen. So instead, he gives Alex his usual albums on vinyl, adding to the record collection Alex had ecstatically started however long ago and still loves to death, as well slipping something – probably kinky – extra in the elder’s stocking. He knows the flavors of peppermint and gingerbread don’t give either of them the same joy they had when they were young, and it really disappoints Jack that he can’t recreate those feelings. What he feels when he makes trips to the store on Christmas Eve, though, to pick up ibuprofen for Alex’s eggnog-induced tummy ache – and another round of the sweet stuff for Alex to do it all over again – it’s a feeling that he loves without end. It may not be the same sort of emotions from his past that fueled his holiday then, but his senses are filled with Christmas things and a lot of Alex, so he’s okay with leaving Santa and the elves behind.

Jack would put up a thousand mirrors in every room to show Alex just how flawless he was, no matter if it was waking up with sleepy eyes in the morning or when they were wrinkling at the corners in a laugh as he showed off his teeth. Jack’s doing better at his job, even got a pay raise a week or two ago, but Jack’s also been getting older. Years of aging, even with Alex, definitely have effects that gradually become more prominent over time. So while Jack could probably spare enough money to fill at least their bedroom with various shapes and sizes of reflective glass, it’d be a hassle to do that, not to mention putting them up all over the walls.

Jack’s been feeling tired every day, more so than he used to think he felt in high school. It’s a sort of dull blanket of drowsiness that’s attempting to cloud over his thoughts and senses every day, draped over his body and making him feel just the least bit weary with every achy step. So Jack tells Alex he’s beautiful every single day instead of overwhelming him with his own gorgeous reflection. He reminds him that he’s perfect no matter what and that Jack will always love him. And Jack finally thinks he’s done sort of okay, because a mirror could never tell Alex that it loves him.

Jack would follow along the lines of every cliché in the book when it came to Alex being sick, would heat up bowl after bottomless bowl of chicken noodle soup and coo the man into an open-mouthed slumber after nursing him past the terrible pains and discomforts. The sickness Alex has isn’t something that can be made better with only the help of warm broth and Jack’s kind words though. Given, no illness can really be cured that way, but what’s infecting and overtaking Alex’s body isn’t just a common cold or a form of the flu. There’s virtually nothing that will help Alex’s case, according to the doctors, and it pains Jack to see Alex so down in the dumps, upset with his state of health and the inevitable that lies at the end of the path in front of him. Jack’s been fired from his job, because he’s been spending every single waking moment with Alex, making the most of however long they have left, because it’s the right thing to do, what they both want in their last times shared together.

Jack will never know why Alex insisted on having him read out some of his favorite books to him as the elder lay wearily in bed, playfully giving each character a different voice to fit their personality as Hebron played on repeat softly in the background. Jack doesn’t particularly like the sound of his voice, never has, and doesn’t get why Alex does. It’s all Jack can do to comply to Alex’s wish though, because he’d do anything for the love of his life, and re-reading his most beloved stories out to him as he’s fading away under the covers is something he most definitely cannot refuse.

Jack will never know if Alex enjoyed the last few chapters of The Diamond of Darkhold again, will never know if he did an okay job of emphasizing the ending of the final book in the series, because Alex isn’t awake to hear the last bits. Jack smiles sadly at him, kisses his forehead and tells him he loves him with everything he has, because it’s what he says when he wishes him goodnight, what he’s been saying for the last thirty-seven years they’ve been together. He doesn’t catch that after Alex’s voice barely wheezes his love to Jack in return, that the dying word he mumbles isn’t goodnight, but is rather goodbye.

Jack would have given Alex the moon, would’ve permanently locked their fingers together and sewn his mouth into a smile just to show how happy Alex made him. Jack had to settle with sleeping cold on the other side of the bed most nights though, letting Alex stay wrapped in the sheets after the elder pulled them off of Jack in the early hours of the morning because Jack didn’t have the heart to touch Alex’s sleeping form. It’s impossible to give someone absolutely everything, even when you’d strive and stretch for it because you feel your very best just isn’t enough. All Alex ever wanted was Jack, though, that tall, skinny mess of skin and bones that he had to call his own. The melody of Jack’s laugh, the bump of Jack’s nose on his own as they shuffled closer together under the covers, the mix of colors in Jack’s eyes lighting up even further whenever his husband told him he loved him- that’s all Alex ever needed. Jack couldn’t give Alex everything, but when Alex let go, he was beyond happy, beyond content with how his life had panned out. And that, Alex’s happiness, was all Jack could ever hope to receive in return.