Terrible Things

Do you believe in God, Scotty?

What are you supposed to do when terrible things happen? How do you learn to breathe after the only person who made you happy to be alive…leaves?

“It’s Scott, right? Do you have anything you’d like to share?”

For the first time since the start of the session I look up from my lap and stare back at the faces of my peers. I open my mouth ready to speak. So ready to tell everyone, just like he wanted. Ready to wash away all of my regret and guilt and despair with the mumble of a few words but…all I can manage is a hiccup before I feel my eyes burning and a shake my head no.

“Okay then…we’ll come back later.” Ms. Parker say with a soft smile.

The school calls her a grief counselor but she doesn't really counsel us. All we've done is sit in a circle and take turns talking about how much we miss him. We've been doing this for three days. Some come because they don’t know how to feel about it…others just need a reason to get out of class.

Stephanie Myers has been fake crying all week in hope of getting pity votes for the senior class presidential election next school year. She even planned a memorial service assembly for tomorrow. Everyone knew TJ couldn't stand her. No one can actually. But that doesn't stop her from cashing out on his death.

“I’m just so hurt. TJ was such an important part of this class. He was the best person I ever knew. He was always so happy and…I just…I’m sorry I can’t.”

My blood starts to boil and I clench the hem of my shirt into my fist. How dare she? I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. I couldn't listen to this nonsense for another second.

She continued to fake cry. “…TJ was just one of a kind, you know. He was the type of person who-”

“You’re so full of shit.” I mumbled loud enough for everyone to hear and suddenly everyone’s eyes were back on me.

“Excuse me?” Stephanie looked as if someone has just slapped her clear across the face. She wasn't use to anyone calling her out.

“Everyone knows you’re only pretending to be sad to get votes. TJ didn't even like you. You don’t know shit about what kind of person he was.” I continue. A few people snicker.

“And you do?” She snapped. “Who the hell are you? TJ and I dated in the third grade. He was my first kiss. Don’t tell me I didn't know him. I probably knew him better than you, loser!”

I stood up fast, my fist still clenched. I had never wanted to punch a girl so much in my life. It took everything I had not to take those few steps and sock her straight in the jaw. Instead I just stared at her with death in my glare, kicked a chair over and stormed out of the room.

Who was I? How dare she? How fucking dare she?! She didn't know shit about him. I knew! I knew everything about him. I’m the one who…I was…Ughhh! I felt like I wanted to scream. I punched a few lockers before storming out of the front doors of the school and starting my long walk home.



“Do you believe in god, Scotty?”
He looked down at me laying on his chest and ran his fingers through the tiny curls on the top of my head. He had asked me this question a lot recently. Especially when we were alone like this. In these small moments that seem like they’d easily be forgotten but were secretly remembered forever.

So like I did the other times, shrugged my shoulders and answered. “I don’t know.”

Usually that’s the end of the conversation and he asks another question that was easier to answer but that time he continued.

“I think…I do believe actually. I don’t know about all of the technical stuff but… I guess I just… I want there to be something to go to. Someone to be waiting on me. I don’t want to just not exist anymore.”

I wasn't sure how to answer to his response so I just grabbed his hand and squeezed and he squeezed back and that was how we communicated for a few minutes. Transferring energy and feelings and love.

The hospital room still smelled sterile like bleach and other cleaning products but it had stated to feel a lot more comfortable. He’d been there for almost a month now. It was silent if you didn't mind the distant voices coming from the halls and the steady small beep coming from the machine next to him.
His guitar was there too, though he never had the strength to play it anymore.

I was always afraid that the nurse would come in and tell me visiting hours were up and we’d have to beg for another extra 10 minutes. I was always afraid that time moved to fast when I was with him. When we lied together like that, I was so aware that everything I had ever done was nothing but a memory now. I wanted that moment to last forever but the longer we lied there the faster time seemed to move. We were a ticking clock and we were running out of time.



I hear my mom knock on my door before taking the liberty to just walk in without even waiting for my answer.

“Scotty? You in here?” She says before flicking on the switch and eliminating the darkness that reached every corner of my room.

I don’t move. I just continue to lie on my bed, stomach down, burring my face in my arms.

“Scott, sweetie. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Come downstairs. I made you some dinner.”
I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Scotty. You've barely eaten since. You have to eat something.”

I shake my head again and she sighs and starts rubbing my back.

“Is there anything you want to talk about?” she pushes.

I shake my head yet again.

“Scott. I’m not leaving until I know for sure that you’re okay. I need to know that.”

“I’m not.” I finally turn to show her my tear streaked face. “I’m never going to be okay again.” I snap.

“You will.”

“No I won’t. I feel like I’m dying.” I say clenching my chest.

“Scotty. I know how much TJ meant to you b-”

“No you don’t! No one knows Mom! No one knows how much he meant to me! No one knows how
much I loved him! How much we loved each other. And no one cares!”

“Scott I-”

“Everyone is pretending to care but they don’t!”

I feel like all of the air has been sucked from my body and I can’t catch my breath fast enough to choke on my own sobs. I sound like a dying animal and I cover my mouth trying to calm down and stop but I can’t.

My mom is at a loss for words but she pulls me into her and hugs me tight and sways back and forth running her finger through my hair just like TJ use to do. I think I just came out to her but my grim thoughts are dark enough to drown out the fear of her finding out that I actually liked boys.

“Oh baby. You’re going to be fine.”

“His mom wouldn't even let me go to the funeral.” I cried out in frustration. “How is that fair?! They didn't even know him. No one knew him like I did and I wasn't even allowed to go to his funeral.”



“I’m going to die, Scotty.” He whispered after the squeezing stop.

“Shut the hell up. No you’re not.” I brushed it off. I was used to hearing this grim talk as well.

“Yeah I am. Its happening, Scotty. I’m dying.”

“Seriously, Teej. Just shut up.”

“I can’t. Not this time.” He sat up making me sit up and grabbed both of my hands and squeezed them with a smile. “The chemo isn't working. It hasn't been for a few weeks now. It’s spreading. I’m getting worse. My doctor knows it. My parents know it. All of the nurses give me weird sad smiles now, I’m sure they know too. I’m going to die, Scotty. Very soon.”

I physically felt like my heart was breaking. “No. You can’t.” I shook my head.

“I can’t really stop it.” He smiled harder.

“No. Please, TJ. Don’t tell me this.” I squeezed his hands harder than I’d ever done before.

“Scotty.”

“No.” I cried out. My cheeks were stained with fresh tears.

“The first time I got diagnosed with cancer I was 9 years old. I spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and when I was 14 I was free finally and I got to live like a normal kid but something was always missing. When I met you…I found out what that was. I used to live in fear and darkness and I didn't understand why I was even alive if half of my life was spent barely breathing. I stayed alive to meet you. I’m so sure of that. You’re the only reason I’ve even made it this far.”

“Stop it! I don’t want to hear this!” My voice cracked and I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me let go.

“You have to! We can’t keep running away from this, Scotty.”

“I need more time with you.”

“There is no more time.” He coughed violently and let’s go of my hand to cover his mouth. After the fit is over he turned back to me with a grin. “Don’t make that face.” He placed his palm on my cheek and I tried to be strong for him. I could see his eyes starting to water too.

TJ was the strongest person I had ever known. He always smiled when things got rough for him and things always seemed to be rough for him. The first time I met him, I was trying out for the soccer team and failing miserably. Since he was a captain at the time, he offered to give me some extra help after the practices ended. I’m not sure how I knew and I’m not sure how he knew but we both just kind of knew and before I could understand what it was that I did know, I was letting him kiss me and I was kissing him back and neither of us minded very much.

“I don’t regret meeting you. The only thing I regret is not telling everyone about us. I’m so sorry, Scotty. I should have told everyone. I sorry I kept you a secret. I want everyone to know how much I loved you.”

I wiped my cheek. “It’s fine. We can tell them when you get better and come back to school.”

“Scotty…I’m not going to get better.”

“You don’t know that. You can’t just give up. You have to try harder. There has to be some kind of hope. You can’t die, Teej. What am I going to do without you?”

“I’m sorry. I’m not going to be able to grow old with you like we planned and I won’t be able to raise our two beautiful adopted Vietnamese twins Noah and Marley.” He laughed blinking out tears. “I’m sorry I’m not going to be able to see you grow and graduate next year. And I’m sorry you’ll have to fall in love again. I know I’m apologizing too much I don’t know what to say other than that.”
I took a deep breath. This couldn't be happening. He let go of my hands and lied back down and gazed out of the window.

“I have to believe that there is something out there waiting for me. I don’t think I can afford to not believe in God or something…anything. There has to be something.” He finally looked back at me. “I’m terrified, Scotty. I always knew this was going to happen but I just…I didn't know it would be this scary.”

I could see his hands shaking and he smiled again but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked sick. Very sick. Not like he did when we first met. A head full of short platinum blonde hair and the most beautiful green eyes. All of the pretty dyed hair was gone and the light in his eyes were fading. He was pale and his lips were chapped and his eyes had bags and I had still never loved someone so much in my life. He was actually dying. I had been trying to ignore it but it was still happening and now we were out of time.

He squeezed my hand again snapping me out of my trance. “I told my mom about you.” He gave me a cheeky grin. “She’s not very happy. I’m pretty sure she told my dad too.”

His face suddenly turned serious and he sat up again only to kiss me hard. Salty tears mixed in with the taste of his love. When he was finished he sighed and placed his forehead against mine and looked me in the eyes. My vision of him was still pretty blurry form the water in my eyes.

“Scotty, they’re going to try to keep you away from me. Even after I die.”

It still hurt to hear him say that.

“Don’t let them.” He continued. “Don’t let them forget how much I loved you in my life. Don’t let them keep you a secret. I want everyone to know.”

“How?”

“You’ll figure it out. I know you will.” And he kissed me again.