The Diary of Mari Delrous: The Beginning of the Second
OCTOBER 2012
OCTOBER 14TH 2012
I mean it im up to here with “love!” I lost all interest in it! Though ill be honest with you that one person whos appeared in so many of my posts and who has been walking through my mind for the past three years Is haunting me again! I expect you know who that is. Yeah we skyped and chatted with each other the other day sure! I could care less!!! Its just that small piece of him that’s always been in my heart….OH DAMN YOU MARK. It amazes me how you always come back. BUT I DON’T MIND, NOR CARE RIGHT NOW. I am only here as entertainment. Yes entertainment. I am a puppeteer controlling my own strings with a side of me within my mind. Quite a show really! I sold my soul to her! Always so happy….so dumb…thinking that people will talk to me….come to me for once…I take notice often when im somewhere even loosetown, unless if im leaving people never really come to me and chill. I may believe this is worse here. Im often alone while others are in crowds all talking to each other so I just do CRAZY things in hope people could notice me….even join so I wouldn’t feel alone.
MONDAY 29TH OCTOBER 2012
Let us rewind 4 days!
At the end of Thursday the 25th there was the Halloween dance! NOOOOTHING LIKE LOOSETOWN! So im counting this as the REAL first dance thing. Just met up with my friends there. Danced like crazy. The music was kinda repetitive though but besides that it was amazing. Nothing interesting happened though but the big news is some of the popular girls got drunk or high at like, 14 years old. And already asking a teacher to get it on with them since they were drunk OKAAAYYY WHAAAAAT? Alright I wont judge you but go home your drunk dearie.
Anyway so the next day for the Halloween party I was having my mother got decorations for the house for the first time ever as payback for when I was a kid and I never had any decorations for my favorite time of the year.
Then for my party, Cecile was the first, she came early to help me decorate, Then Eza and her “guy friend” (Shes not aloud to date.) was there. I met him at the dance earlier so I kinda knew him enough now, and Gena. They said they came to help decorate and stuff as well since they were so early.
Eza also had a bag of “coolers”.
My mother followed us downstairs and when Eza put them in the fridge of course my mother stuck her nose in it and noticed it said five percent alcohol. ? I was told it was an energy drink…Anyway mom confiscated it and later people started to show up, like Gena’s boyfriend Haden. Hes a france guy so he doesn’t really understand English much so Ill speak French when im talking to him. Hes a pretty energetic guy though I can see why everyones telling me hes like myself xD still not as crazy though.
Anyway unlike all my other parties this one caused me the most troubles I think. My mother got annoyed because the two pairs of couples were cuddling and got mad at ME about it like it was my fault!!!
Worse she got super angry at me because my walking closet, I put a tweety bird blanket with some pillows and bean bag chairs in it to make a cool “Chiill zone…” You know what she thought? She yelled at me “This isn’t a hotel!!!” She thought I was planning for people to get it on in there I told her no some people just wanted to chill there I told her how nothing happened in there but she just yelled at me calling me a “damned liar” though I was serious! Nothing happened there!!!! And for the record that tweety bird blanket was there for a month now because I like to read in that closet!
Well that’s my mother. “Believe all my lies, while the truth is deception.”
So because of this apparently I lost my priviledges of having parties without my dad in his desk in the basement. FUCK.
Dads always at sea now so he wont be here for a few months meaning hes probably going to miss my birthday AGAIN so YEAH. She also got angry at me for making a facebook event page for the party to keep people updated. Greeeat….
Anyway in good news, I made a song with Cecile today. It was fun and it sounds pretty good.
8:PM
I REALLLY HATE MY MOTHER SOMETIMES.
Whenever I go to her cause I need her, she says go away. When SHEEE wants to talk to me and I say im busy can we talk later, SHE GETS ANGRY cause apparently I have AN ATTITUDE. I cant take anymore really. This is mental torture mom please just leave me alone.
Shes really giving me bad images right now. I feel like murdering….But I wouldn’t do that….if I really did want to kill everything around me, I’d simply kill myself with my anger and hatred away.
Though that isn’t the answer! Though I cant help to think this way I always do! Everyday I think about it. I still get haunted of when I tried to explain to my mother about this…she didn’t say anything but roll her eyes….Sometimes she even jokes about it like the idea of me wanting to die was just a joke in the first place!
IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.
I can’t show that side of me though, I can only erase it by writing, Drawing, or making music, or even videos!
But….it always comes back….
Where do I belong?
I want to leave it all….
I need help but I cant speak it or request it myself. If I could just give this book to someone who would care enough to help me…Just all of it,…So they can see! Maybe even understand…And ease my confusion!
Oh how I’d love to just give this book away….then they could see the truth.
I mean it im up to here with “love!” I lost all interest in it! Though ill be honest with you that one person whos appeared in so many of my posts and who has been walking through my mind for the past three years Is haunting me again! I expect you know who that is. Yeah we skyped and chatted with each other the other day sure! I could care less!!! Its just that small piece of him that’s always been in my heart….OH DAMN YOU MARK. It amazes me how you always come back. BUT I DON’T MIND, NOR CARE RIGHT NOW. I am only here as entertainment. Yes entertainment. I am a puppeteer controlling my own strings with a side of me within my mind. Quite a show really! I sold my soul to her! Always so happy….so dumb…thinking that people will talk to me….come to me for once…I take notice often when im somewhere even loosetown, unless if im leaving people never really come to me and chill. I may believe this is worse here. Im often alone while others are in crowds all talking to each other so I just do CRAZY things in hope people could notice me….even join so I wouldn’t feel alone.
MONDAY 29TH OCTOBER 2012
Let us rewind 4 days!
At the end of Thursday the 25th there was the Halloween dance! NOOOOTHING LIKE LOOSETOWN! So im counting this as the REAL first dance thing. Just met up with my friends there. Danced like crazy. The music was kinda repetitive though but besides that it was amazing. Nothing interesting happened though but the big news is some of the popular girls got drunk or high at like, 14 years old. And already asking a teacher to get it on with them since they were drunk OKAAAYYY WHAAAAAT? Alright I wont judge you but go home your drunk dearie.
Anyway so the next day for the Halloween party I was having my mother got decorations for the house for the first time ever as payback for when I was a kid and I never had any decorations for my favorite time of the year.
Then for my party, Cecile was the first, she came early to help me decorate, Then Eza and her “guy friend” (Shes not aloud to date.) was there. I met him at the dance earlier so I kinda knew him enough now, and Gena. They said they came to help decorate and stuff as well since they were so early.
Eza also had a bag of “coolers”.
My mother followed us downstairs and when Eza put them in the fridge of course my mother stuck her nose in it and noticed it said five percent alcohol. ? I was told it was an energy drink…Anyway mom confiscated it and later people started to show up, like Gena’s boyfriend Haden. Hes a france guy so he doesn’t really understand English much so Ill speak French when im talking to him. Hes a pretty energetic guy though I can see why everyones telling me hes like myself xD still not as crazy though.
Anyway unlike all my other parties this one caused me the most troubles I think. My mother got annoyed because the two pairs of couples were cuddling and got mad at ME about it like it was my fault!!!
Worse she got super angry at me because my walking closet, I put a tweety bird blanket with some pillows and bean bag chairs in it to make a cool “Chiill zone…” You know what she thought? She yelled at me “This isn’t a hotel!!!” She thought I was planning for people to get it on in there I told her no some people just wanted to chill there I told her how nothing happened in there but she just yelled at me calling me a “damned liar” though I was serious! Nothing happened there!!!! And for the record that tweety bird blanket was there for a month now because I like to read in that closet!
Well that’s my mother. “Believe all my lies, while the truth is deception.”
So because of this apparently I lost my priviledges of having parties without my dad in his desk in the basement. FUCK.
Dads always at sea now so he wont be here for a few months meaning hes probably going to miss my birthday AGAIN so YEAH. She also got angry at me for making a facebook event page for the party to keep people updated. Greeeat….
Anyway in good news, I made a song with Cecile today. It was fun and it sounds pretty good.
8:PM
I REALLLY HATE MY MOTHER SOMETIMES.
Whenever I go to her cause I need her, she says go away. When SHEEE wants to talk to me and I say im busy can we talk later, SHE GETS ANGRY cause apparently I have AN ATTITUDE. I cant take anymore really. This is mental torture mom please just leave me alone.
Shes really giving me bad images right now. I feel like murdering….But I wouldn’t do that….if I really did want to kill everything around me, I’d simply kill myself with my anger and hatred away.
Though that isn’t the answer! Though I cant help to think this way I always do! Everyday I think about it. I still get haunted of when I tried to explain to my mother about this…she didn’t say anything but roll her eyes….Sometimes she even jokes about it like the idea of me wanting to die was just a joke in the first place!
IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.
I can’t show that side of me though, I can only erase it by writing, Drawing, or making music, or even videos!
But….it always comes back….
Where do I belong?
I want to leave it all….
I need help but I cant speak it or request it myself. If I could just give this book to someone who would care enough to help me…Just all of it,…So they can see! Maybe even understand…And ease my confusion!
Oh how I’d love to just give this book away….then they could see the truth.