The Diary of Mari Delrous: The Beginning of the Second
DECEMBER 2012 PART 1
DECEMBER
Tuesday December 4th 2012
….I miss my werewolf….
Now that I think of it it makes sense. Yesterday Della told me something.
She was being honest so I guess its okay. I mean she cant be the only one to think such things about me….
The fact that its surprising that im in 9th grade….Because it doesn’t seem like im smart enough to be. That’s what she clearly stated…
…not smart enough.
He said I was smart….seeing through the faking…
And even though I hang out with people at lunch break there’s nobody that actually shows me they want me there…
That break, people kept yelling at me to shut up…When in truth I felt as if I was just crying out for help in that very….not obvious, and crazy way….I did shut it though. Thank god for Ipods and music. Then Era came over to me after yelling with everyone at me to shut up, Asking whats wrong and not leaving me alone unless I tell her…Eventually though they all left me alone….silenced.
He never told me to shut up…He told me to open up…he liked that about me…this must be the link of attatchments tapping into my emotions right now…I miss Nolen Werewulf….One person I could actually talk to…one person not bothered by me. Unlike most people would think. He likes all the positive things of life…Sometimes in true, sometimes to lie to himself to feel better…Heh, someone I could relate to.
Either way I remember once I told him how people often want me to shut up, he specifically said he doesn’t understand why people could say that. And hell never tell me too…Hed say hes too quiet and I have a lot of words to speak out. So its perfect he said…
Though that was when it lasted. In this place there seems to be nobody interested in hearing those that hide whats inside them. I was lucky to be able to say just so little but enough to make a huge difference with Nolen. I felt….I felt better then I used to sadly theres still so much…that I didn’t tell him…
Im not the only one.
In some cases yes, not the same, but similar. Some people may have much more to say, but hide it all beneath their joyfull skin, their smiling masks….And then the pain….The strings. Poor souls….Where are our heroes? Where are the cares….look at what becomes of the world socially, and more even! Everyone has a trouble. I cant even explain what I mean clearly on paper! Because im too confused and uncertain! I can never find the right words to say…
Im getting too emotional writing this down…All the disrespects I see…Even to those who are deceased…Now I’m thinking of a complete different point which I can’t stop myself from writing down anymore.
A while ago we were reading the diary of Anne frank in English class. During WW2 she lived terribly, yet was able to write down all her emotions, thoughts, into a journal….She’s a great writer. And I have the most upmost respects for her. I can relate to her very well. Not of the holocaust and such but the way she thinks. And how her outside is nothing like her inside, which she can only express on paper. She also seemed to have been a bit of a hopeless romantic like me. And yes at some points she writes about how she touches herself at night at times. Is It not human? Even Nolen showed me that’s human.
Yet my friends here, they said the upmost stupid things. No offense friends, but you insulted me.
Some fall asleep during each class. Sure that’s one thing. Don’t respect the fact she was a real person, who died a horrid death, but wrote every day in this journal to leave her message for anyone who would bother read it. I guess they don’t think about that as much. But the thing that bothered me the most is that yet, the classes PERFECT STUDENTS. The ones that can say NOO WRONG….(I will not say names to shame them.) but because of how Anne enjoyed boys and may have touched herself, they speak of her like she’s weird, or selfish, or I can’t even describe how they were speaking.As if Anne was a drama queen. But really, Anne went through a lot, In life, and Mind! I can’t even imagine how that was like for her! Yet they speak of her this way! Everybody is! Like how people speak behind other peoples backs in real life this is no different but its almost worse due to the fact shes dead.
Anne Frank, Im crying while writing this seeing how people could say such wrong words of you…I understand some of your emotions. Definetly not all, not as much. But you wont be forgotten. I swear it, at least through my mind. How can people be so terrible to others? Same with Amanda todd for example, and more people, who by other people ended up to be victims of themselves in a way. I have a friend, we aren’t that close, we used to be further from eachother but lately were getting to know eachother again and be good friends. Gena, I hear people calling her things…Like a *tuls*. But she never slept with anyone. At least from what I know, she doesn’t even publicly show that and what if she did? Who cares? if she wanted to, she wanted to what does anybody else have to do with it and why should we judge her? People are just saying this stuff because she had a lot of boyfriends. But she confessed she never actually had a true bestfriend.
It would seem the same here Gena. I may have a lot of friends and besties but sometimes that isn’t always the thing.
They call her a *tuls*, but I see more of a victim when I look at her.
The other day at Elizabeths party, they all spoke of her as if she was a bad person, at the fact that a few years ago, she used to cut herself with a knife apparently. They spoke like she was a looser…
I was confused…and shocked. Shes cutting herself bringing self harm and you show this disrespect towards her this way? It’s a cry for help! And im sorry but that’s not helping. I was scared by how they spoke. What if they knew what I used to do? Would they start talking about me badly? When all I wanted was someone to be there? Why do people see it this way? If people hurt themselves something is wrong…They aren’t hurting you are they?! Elizabeth seems to see things this way. People act like she cant do no wrong to be honest I may just see that’s getting in her head a little bit. She may just be a little arrogant. I remember a lot of times even when we were little she would insult me sometimes. Never once have I ever heard her apolagized so I would instead.
I also remember that one time for parent teachers my teacher in fifth grade told me right infront of my mother.
“Mari, why cant you be more like Elizabeth?”
My mother currently reminded me of this. I never noticed until now, what she meant. My mom was apparently slightly insulted that she said that too me while I just laughed.
Anyway I wont rant much more, I find she changed a bit, or maybe I just did. If I didn’t go to loosetown im pretty sure id be the same as her now.
Really, ill be honest, for anne franks sake, She wasn’t bad at all. She was being honest. Im worse infact. If I were to be honest that is. For a long time ive been unconsciously sexual. A lot of my friends here would find that kind of surprising. But ill be honest sometimes I overdose the pink lemonade and get possessed to wakeup to me touching myself while in the delusion of being tied up and *BLEEEEEEEEP*
YEP! Theres an example of a lot of this youll find in a little red locked book called the shame….if you ever find it, burn it please.
I don’t think I could ever tell anyone besides Nolen about it though. Not until 17 or something…
God something must kinda be wrong with me huh?
Ive taken a lot of interest into this weird thing called Sex magick! And these weird ritual things haha I don’t know why I always like these creepy things.
If I ever get a long term boyfriend actually serious enough id do that >:) <3
ANYWAY BLUUUSH
Other topics…Ive been playing a lot of video games to get my mind off Nolen. It actually kind of helps when I play online and everything, im actually quite popular in ze game so yea! NEVERLYYY style.
Fun…..im kinda falling into no lifeness though….
….ugghhh I hate loneliness
Tuesday December 4th 2012
….I miss my werewolf….
Now that I think of it it makes sense. Yesterday Della told me something.
She was being honest so I guess its okay. I mean she cant be the only one to think such things about me….
The fact that its surprising that im in 9th grade….Because it doesn’t seem like im smart enough to be. That’s what she clearly stated…
…not smart enough.
He said I was smart….seeing through the faking…
And even though I hang out with people at lunch break there’s nobody that actually shows me they want me there…
That break, people kept yelling at me to shut up…When in truth I felt as if I was just crying out for help in that very….not obvious, and crazy way….I did shut it though. Thank god for Ipods and music. Then Era came over to me after yelling with everyone at me to shut up, Asking whats wrong and not leaving me alone unless I tell her…Eventually though they all left me alone….silenced.
He never told me to shut up…He told me to open up…he liked that about me…this must be the link of attatchments tapping into my emotions right now…I miss Nolen Werewulf….One person I could actually talk to…one person not bothered by me. Unlike most people would think. He likes all the positive things of life…Sometimes in true, sometimes to lie to himself to feel better…Heh, someone I could relate to.
Either way I remember once I told him how people often want me to shut up, he specifically said he doesn’t understand why people could say that. And hell never tell me too…Hed say hes too quiet and I have a lot of words to speak out. So its perfect he said…
Though that was when it lasted. In this place there seems to be nobody interested in hearing those that hide whats inside them. I was lucky to be able to say just so little but enough to make a huge difference with Nolen. I felt….I felt better then I used to sadly theres still so much…that I didn’t tell him…
Im not the only one.
In some cases yes, not the same, but similar. Some people may have much more to say, but hide it all beneath their joyfull skin, their smiling masks….And then the pain….The strings. Poor souls….Where are our heroes? Where are the cares….look at what becomes of the world socially, and more even! Everyone has a trouble. I cant even explain what I mean clearly on paper! Because im too confused and uncertain! I can never find the right words to say…
Im getting too emotional writing this down…All the disrespects I see…Even to those who are deceased…Now I’m thinking of a complete different point which I can’t stop myself from writing down anymore.
A while ago we were reading the diary of Anne frank in English class. During WW2 she lived terribly, yet was able to write down all her emotions, thoughts, into a journal….She’s a great writer. And I have the most upmost respects for her. I can relate to her very well. Not of the holocaust and such but the way she thinks. And how her outside is nothing like her inside, which she can only express on paper. She also seemed to have been a bit of a hopeless romantic like me. And yes at some points she writes about how she touches herself at night at times. Is It not human? Even Nolen showed me that’s human.
Yet my friends here, they said the upmost stupid things. No offense friends, but you insulted me.
Some fall asleep during each class. Sure that’s one thing. Don’t respect the fact she was a real person, who died a horrid death, but wrote every day in this journal to leave her message for anyone who would bother read it. I guess they don’t think about that as much. But the thing that bothered me the most is that yet, the classes PERFECT STUDENTS. The ones that can say NOO WRONG….(I will not say names to shame them.) but because of how Anne enjoyed boys and may have touched herself, they speak of her like she’s weird, or selfish, or I can’t even describe how they were speaking.As if Anne was a drama queen. But really, Anne went through a lot, In life, and Mind! I can’t even imagine how that was like for her! Yet they speak of her this way! Everybody is! Like how people speak behind other peoples backs in real life this is no different but its almost worse due to the fact shes dead.
Anne Frank, Im crying while writing this seeing how people could say such wrong words of you…I understand some of your emotions. Definetly not all, not as much. But you wont be forgotten. I swear it, at least through my mind. How can people be so terrible to others? Same with Amanda todd for example, and more people, who by other people ended up to be victims of themselves in a way. I have a friend, we aren’t that close, we used to be further from eachother but lately were getting to know eachother again and be good friends. Gena, I hear people calling her things…Like a *tuls*. But she never slept with anyone. At least from what I know, she doesn’t even publicly show that and what if she did? Who cares? if she wanted to, she wanted to what does anybody else have to do with it and why should we judge her? People are just saying this stuff because she had a lot of boyfriends. But she confessed she never actually had a true bestfriend.
It would seem the same here Gena. I may have a lot of friends and besties but sometimes that isn’t always the thing.
They call her a *tuls*, but I see more of a victim when I look at her.
The other day at Elizabeths party, they all spoke of her as if she was a bad person, at the fact that a few years ago, she used to cut herself with a knife apparently. They spoke like she was a looser…
I was confused…and shocked. Shes cutting herself bringing self harm and you show this disrespect towards her this way? It’s a cry for help! And im sorry but that’s not helping. I was scared by how they spoke. What if they knew what I used to do? Would they start talking about me badly? When all I wanted was someone to be there? Why do people see it this way? If people hurt themselves something is wrong…They aren’t hurting you are they?! Elizabeth seems to see things this way. People act like she cant do no wrong to be honest I may just see that’s getting in her head a little bit. She may just be a little arrogant. I remember a lot of times even when we were little she would insult me sometimes. Never once have I ever heard her apolagized so I would instead.
I also remember that one time for parent teachers my teacher in fifth grade told me right infront of my mother.
“Mari, why cant you be more like Elizabeth?”
My mother currently reminded me of this. I never noticed until now, what she meant. My mom was apparently slightly insulted that she said that too me while I just laughed.
Anyway I wont rant much more, I find she changed a bit, or maybe I just did. If I didn’t go to loosetown im pretty sure id be the same as her now.
Really, ill be honest, for anne franks sake, She wasn’t bad at all. She was being honest. Im worse infact. If I were to be honest that is. For a long time ive been unconsciously sexual. A lot of my friends here would find that kind of surprising. But ill be honest sometimes I overdose the pink lemonade and get possessed to wakeup to me touching myself while in the delusion of being tied up and *BLEEEEEEEEP*
YEP! Theres an example of a lot of this youll find in a little red locked book called the shame….if you ever find it, burn it please.
I don’t think I could ever tell anyone besides Nolen about it though. Not until 17 or something…
God something must kinda be wrong with me huh?
Ive taken a lot of interest into this weird thing called Sex magick! And these weird ritual things haha I don’t know why I always like these creepy things.
If I ever get a long term boyfriend actually serious enough id do that >:) <3
ANYWAY BLUUUSH
Other topics…Ive been playing a lot of video games to get my mind off Nolen. It actually kind of helps when I play online and everything, im actually quite popular in ze game so yea! NEVERLYYY style.
Fun…..im kinda falling into no lifeness though….
….ugghhh I hate loneliness