The Diary of Mari Delrous: The Beginning of the Second
JANUARY 2012
JANUARY
JANUARY 7TH 2012 2:03 AM
HAPPY NEW YEAR! WE DIDN'T DIEE IN YOUR FACE!
I know I haven’t written in this damned book for ages but now I can nonstop write about stuff I guess.
SO DECEMBER 16TH I went to the LMFAO Concert which was AMAZING! What a party! Jaylynn and Bea had fun too! Or so it seems? But I tell you I got stressed out when redfoo and sky blu starts singing some…teehee…inappropriate stuff…giggle…like “I AM NOT…A WHORE, BUT I LIKE TO DO IT.” While you’d see an animation of them thrusting. Cause see my mom was there in the back and I thought she’d be ticked but when the concert was done she said she loved it and they were so funny.
My facial expression was shocked as hell. I WAS STAGGERED by those words.
Anyway so later from that event, I went to the movies a few weeks ago. Think two actually.
I ended up going with Jaylynn, Morra, and Connor. Jaylynn and Moraa kept trying to diss me and Connor for some reason that I call a pathetic excuse to hook me up with someone I don’t want to hook up to. I mean I don’t mind quiet guys but he hardly even looked at me much and by that I mean attention, but don’t get me wrong I’m not an attention lover person, I mean I don’t want a creepy….crack head like Edward Cullen staring at me…though I wish I could get noticed more…it’s like I’m….ah how do I explain….
I’m invisible that’s it. And I mean, If Connor would pay attention to someone, it would not be me.
It shouldn’t bother me though. Again it’s just worthless and hopeless. Jaylynn didn’t think that though. She seemed to make this whole game plan to prove the guy would like me a little at least. By the end of the week she stressed by the fact he wasn’t answering her interrogation texts. Of course he isn’t answering his texts this is Connor were talking about silly! And he doesn’t date people at his school at least in small schools like ours. But I bet he at least think of me as a bit of a friend. Before at least. He doesn’t seem to like the stuff Jaylynn told him that I let her tell.
Don’t worry Connor I aint so glad about it either.
But it was nice when I text him-
OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT IM MOVING BACK TO FAXTON! Dad got reposted which is ticking me off because that means that coming here to loose town had no fucking reason to begin with. Dumbasses the people who come up with this stuff. BUT YEA I WAS LIKE:
“Hey Connor I won’t be going to center high next year. I’m moving back to Faxton.”
CONNOR: “WHAT THE FUCK BRO WE WERE GONNA BE HOMIES!!!!!!!!
Me in my head: LOLOLOLOLOL OMG
ME in reality: Haha I know I’m leaving this summer.
CONNOR: FUUuuuUuuUuUUuUuuUuUUUUUCK………..
Hah aim happy that at least he reacted
But yeah ever since dad told me I feel like an enormous weight lifted off from my shoulders but since then…I don’t know…
OK LISTEN generally I AM a hopeless romantic which makes me a pathetic forever alone lady OK!? See I think I’m somehow emotionally unstable, well duh of course that’s easy to tell but not just all emotions but…”lovably” (? Is that even a word) unstable. But I guess that’s what being alone does.
See I know before this one thing….before I did have anything for Connor which made no sense. I mean he’s a nice guy so true, but I mean he’d never like me anyway, and with me moving all about it would make no sense. Connor wasn’t much of a phase but he wasn’t so much of a big deal anyway. So I decided to give the guy a break. Why? Because I needed a break.
But honestly since this is you devil I’ll be 100 percent honest…
I had a dream….about….Mark…
I might have already written but I’m not sure if I did or not.
Mark was a guy I really liked in Faxton during 6 grade before I moved here.
Turns out he liked me two then. He actually confessed it after I left on a website I made. I told him I liked him as well. So then we decided to do this long distance thing. And trust me long distance turned out really hard. But even then we held on for a long time! I’d try my best to talk to him all the time, I’d stay up late nights just to talk to him, and I thought of him every day. Though one day in my 7th grade my friend Ema told me he liked another girl which of course broke my heart because I thought he still liked me at that time and he kind of stopped talking to me. I survived though.
Anywho nowadays we started to talk again, on xbox live on the microphone. I laugh so much with him. A great friend he is.
I told him about the moving thing, he seemed happy as any friend would be. Now see I tell myself I’m his friend now and forever. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like if I did date him like, there there, in the flesh.
So see I still kind of….i never stopped thinking about him to be honest…..so I still kinda hold like 5/100% feelings for him.
Now if he had a little left and wanted to try it out *again* I wouldn’t mind and I’d say yes. If he has no wish to have feelings for me I’m completely fine with that and that speck of feeling in my heart for him can fade away.
But for now hes like my B.G.F.I.T.W right now.
BEST.GUY.FRIEND.IN.THE.WORLD.
School starts Tuesday and by then I have to finish a book report. I think im oddly digging my own grave somehow! Don’t worry im not so suicidal anymore…at least for the moment knowing IM FUCKING GOING BACK TO FAXTON BITCHESS! YEAH IM THAT HAPPY!
*if mom read this shed be ticked at me BUT SHES A HYPOCRITE FOR READING THIS CAUSE SHES NOT SUPPOSED TO READ JOURNALS!!!*
Speaking of suicidal, I got a casio keyboard for Christmas. Much better than my old one that sounds like dead cats screaming. YEAH! When my parents were at work this week I figured out songs I know on it thanks to my apparent musical ear. Up to now I figured: G dragon: (A boy) LUV THAT SONNG
Emilie autumn: The art of suicide, Gloomy Sunday and gothic lollita.
And learned lyrics by heart. Not G-D’s A BOY because its Korean. But Gloomy Sunday definetly. Not that I sing though, I’d be terrible.
“Sunday is gloomy
My hours are slumber less,
Dearest the shadows I live with
Are numberless,
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not when the black coach of sorrow has taken you,
Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you,
Wouldn’t they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy…Sunday….”
Lovely song.
You know im going to completely write down my feelings about myself right now.
I wish I didn’t even have feelings sometimes.
I wish I could actually do things then be a clueless being. I am suicidal, but I try my best not to reach game over. I must have some reason in this world. I’m meant to find it, and everything must happen for a reason.
Sometimes I think I get possessed my friends say I look possessed often. And I’m not sure what it is about me that make them say that. But I get dysfunctional. Dizzy, sometimes I tell myself everything around me isn’t even real. But then I begin thinking I’m the one who doesn’t exist. And it makes sense to me. I maybe next to you but my mind is not present. Am…I insane? Oh dear I can never tell.
TUESDAY JANUARY 10 9:25 PM.
It’s official.
I definitely still have feelings for Mark.
Just when I talk to him my heart goes into two thousand pounds. What a burden love can be I can’t carry it all anymore!
Anyway so the day before yesterday I made this thing where me, Jaylynn , Malia, and Connor, went to the mall! Now when we were there (funny part is I dreamt this would happen) Brie, and her friend Erie Were there. I said hi introduced her to my group and invited her to join with us.
Now Connor seemed to have really hit it off with Brie. (Funny part is he told me the night right before that he had a thing for Jaylynn.) Yet when I invited everyone to my place they were on the couch holding hands already! :D
They make a perfect couple thing is Connor has a thing of dating chicks he just met. Remember Mckenzie? That only lasted 2 weeks. I just hope the guy won’t get his heart crushed like last time. Oh how I feel so cool for having a long time long distance relationship haha….still pathetic though….
But maybe that describes love vs lust. Lusting is physical attractions. Connor is quite lusty then. So if that’s the difference is true love both? Haha I kid. I have no idea you know.
Ah god im so loud I think. Mister Matthews today seemed kind of annoyed with me. Kimberly tickled me today by “tesering” me, so I yelled and laughed at the same time and he yelled at me to lower it down.
Honestly if I could lose my voice I think a lot of my problems could be solved.
1. No horrible laugh.
2. Id no longer say stupid things that make me look like a fool.
3. It would be a talent huh?
4. I don’t have to hear people tell me to shut the fuck up all the time. (Love ya Connor <3)
5. I don’t have to sing and show how my voice sounds like a cat giving birth to a Pterodactyl.
6. I wouldn’t annoy people so much.
7. I wouldn’t do so many push ups for speaking the wrong language in class.
8. I could keep a secret pretty well.
9. NO ORAL PRESENTATIONS THAT EMBARRASS ME AS I CRY INFRONT OF THE CLASS.
10. I could just stop talking.
Sadly it would definitely create new problems. But then would I be respected? People wouldn’t be able to put my word up against me like always!
AHEUM CONNOR CONNOR CONNOR
I’m kinda annoyed how I’ve been at his back helping him so much this year and he does nothing but punch me and hurt my feelings verbally. I really hate it the way he tells me to shut up. It makes me feel worthless. Worse part is,
Could it be true?
Of course when I try to bring up the question of why he says these things he’ll always say:
“your just super sensitive.”
Which kinda….makes me feel worse….cause it’s probably true then.
If I didn’t know I’d go back to Faxton, I think I’d try again to end it all. But now I really just hope when I get back to Faxton this talking habit could end. Why can’t I shut up? I’m tired of being unwanted…..and im starting to hate people like Connor…
I really do…they just don’t give a fuck for others which is a cruel thing…hell never understand how hes hurting people. Even the ones he calls his friends…
God god god god god I wish I was young and clueless….
Well im being overdramtic…..i shouldn’t be thinking of connor like this…theres a good thing in everyone….maybe he wears a mask as well….
JANNUARY I DON’T KNOW THE DATE 2011
I Don’t know what to think again. Heres how the day started out. Im pretty happy that im hanging with everyone, Jaylynn and Bea are at the 6th maniarix! YES! That makes four fucking readers for a change! Thank god! But ill be gaining my old readers soon when I get back to Faxton anyway.
It’s the martial art class with Brie that kinda ruined my day. And its not the first time she disrespected my appearance.
I still remember a while ago she was like Mari, do something about your acne EW. And then she told me to shave my eyebrows or something….I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE ACTUALLY! :O
Today she stretched me, ive been getting taller apparently so the pants I have in class don’t cover my ankles like they used to. So when we were stretching she looked at my legs which yes, have eczema. She was like EEW MARI….And then she raised the sleeves of the pants even more to show everyone that I had eczema there and said I probably should have shaved there or something. Worst of all Alex was like. “Naaastyyy….”
Elise was err nice enough to say that wasn’t a nice thing to say to me but I feel so…err…like when Connor used to look at me and mumble “BLECH or EW” I feel kinda like a hideous monster. Not to mention I’ll never have a boyfriend. Which answers Brie’s Comment of this summer:
“Oh Mari, you’ll never get a boyfriend will you?”
Hey! Well..i kind of had Mark?
I’m lucky I don’t switch from guy to guy at least.
HEY I’m not the only one to give that opinion. Mora did too since Brie actually dumped a guy over a text on that day at the mall for Connor.
Moras wise words: “Well that’s kinda a slutty move….”
Well it kinda is….sorry Brie…you did completely shatter me tonight so yea its quite the urge to talk about the bad things over the good things for once even though you have way more good things in you then those little bad things.
Oh I feel just so urg, everyday now im just writing these feelings down….ugh….
You know whats my dream, living like Mira, from one of my stories. To be locked in a tower far away from whatever people and places. Then you can get away from all the people that make fun of you…though I would miss some very great people. Though I haven’t found the greatest one yet to make me stay. And with what Brie trapped on me I don’t think I ever will. I’ll probably just be alone, and become a crazy old cat lady living in a basement hiding from my lover mister death.
JANUARY 7TH 2012 2:03 AM
HAPPY NEW YEAR! WE DIDN'T DIEE IN YOUR FACE!
I know I haven’t written in this damned book for ages but now I can nonstop write about stuff I guess.
SO DECEMBER 16TH I went to the LMFAO Concert which was AMAZING! What a party! Jaylynn and Bea had fun too! Or so it seems? But I tell you I got stressed out when redfoo and sky blu starts singing some…teehee…inappropriate stuff…giggle…like “I AM NOT…A WHORE, BUT I LIKE TO DO IT.” While you’d see an animation of them thrusting. Cause see my mom was there in the back and I thought she’d be ticked but when the concert was done she said she loved it and they were so funny.
My facial expression was shocked as hell. I WAS STAGGERED by those words.
Anyway so later from that event, I went to the movies a few weeks ago. Think two actually.
I ended up going with Jaylynn, Morra, and Connor. Jaylynn and Moraa kept trying to diss me and Connor for some reason that I call a pathetic excuse to hook me up with someone I don’t want to hook up to. I mean I don’t mind quiet guys but he hardly even looked at me much and by that I mean attention, but don’t get me wrong I’m not an attention lover person, I mean I don’t want a creepy….crack head like Edward Cullen staring at me…though I wish I could get noticed more…it’s like I’m….ah how do I explain….
I’m invisible that’s it. And I mean, If Connor would pay attention to someone, it would not be me.
It shouldn’t bother me though. Again it’s just worthless and hopeless. Jaylynn didn’t think that though. She seemed to make this whole game plan to prove the guy would like me a little at least. By the end of the week she stressed by the fact he wasn’t answering her interrogation texts. Of course he isn’t answering his texts this is Connor were talking about silly! And he doesn’t date people at his school at least in small schools like ours. But I bet he at least think of me as a bit of a friend. Before at least. He doesn’t seem to like the stuff Jaylynn told him that I let her tell.
Don’t worry Connor I aint so glad about it either.
But it was nice when I text him-
OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT IM MOVING BACK TO FAXTON! Dad got reposted which is ticking me off because that means that coming here to loose town had no fucking reason to begin with. Dumbasses the people who come up with this stuff. BUT YEA I WAS LIKE:
“Hey Connor I won’t be going to center high next year. I’m moving back to Faxton.”
CONNOR: “WHAT THE FUCK BRO WE WERE GONNA BE HOMIES!!!!!!!!
Me in my head: LOLOLOLOLOL OMG
ME in reality: Haha I know I’m leaving this summer.
CONNOR: FUUuuuUuuUuUUuUuuUuUUUUUCK………..
Hah aim happy that at least he reacted
But yeah ever since dad told me I feel like an enormous weight lifted off from my shoulders but since then…I don’t know…
OK LISTEN generally I AM a hopeless romantic which makes me a pathetic forever alone lady OK!? See I think I’m somehow emotionally unstable, well duh of course that’s easy to tell but not just all emotions but…”lovably” (? Is that even a word) unstable. But I guess that’s what being alone does.
See I know before this one thing….before I did have anything for Connor which made no sense. I mean he’s a nice guy so true, but I mean he’d never like me anyway, and with me moving all about it would make no sense. Connor wasn’t much of a phase but he wasn’t so much of a big deal anyway. So I decided to give the guy a break. Why? Because I needed a break.
But honestly since this is you devil I’ll be 100 percent honest…
I had a dream….about….Mark…
I might have already written but I’m not sure if I did or not.
Mark was a guy I really liked in Faxton during 6 grade before I moved here.
Turns out he liked me two then. He actually confessed it after I left on a website I made. I told him I liked him as well. So then we decided to do this long distance thing. And trust me long distance turned out really hard. But even then we held on for a long time! I’d try my best to talk to him all the time, I’d stay up late nights just to talk to him, and I thought of him every day. Though one day in my 7th grade my friend Ema told me he liked another girl which of course broke my heart because I thought he still liked me at that time and he kind of stopped talking to me. I survived though.
Anywho nowadays we started to talk again, on xbox live on the microphone. I laugh so much with him. A great friend he is.
I told him about the moving thing, he seemed happy as any friend would be. Now see I tell myself I’m his friend now and forever. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like if I did date him like, there there, in the flesh.
So see I still kind of….i never stopped thinking about him to be honest…..so I still kinda hold like 5/100% feelings for him.
Now if he had a little left and wanted to try it out *again* I wouldn’t mind and I’d say yes. If he has no wish to have feelings for me I’m completely fine with that and that speck of feeling in my heart for him can fade away.
But for now hes like my B.G.F.I.T.W right now.
BEST.GUY.FRIEND.IN.THE.WORLD.
School starts Tuesday and by then I have to finish a book report. I think im oddly digging my own grave somehow! Don’t worry im not so suicidal anymore…at least for the moment knowing IM FUCKING GOING BACK TO FAXTON BITCHESS! YEAH IM THAT HAPPY!
*if mom read this shed be ticked at me BUT SHES A HYPOCRITE FOR READING THIS CAUSE SHES NOT SUPPOSED TO READ JOURNALS!!!*
Speaking of suicidal, I got a casio keyboard for Christmas. Much better than my old one that sounds like dead cats screaming. YEAH! When my parents were at work this week I figured out songs I know on it thanks to my apparent musical ear. Up to now I figured: G dragon: (A boy) LUV THAT SONNG
Emilie autumn: The art of suicide, Gloomy Sunday and gothic lollita.
And learned lyrics by heart. Not G-D’s A BOY because its Korean. But Gloomy Sunday definetly. Not that I sing though, I’d be terrible.
“Sunday is gloomy
My hours are slumber less,
Dearest the shadows I live with
Are numberless,
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not when the black coach of sorrow has taken you,
Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you,
Wouldn’t they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy…Sunday….”
Lovely song.
You know im going to completely write down my feelings about myself right now.
I wish I didn’t even have feelings sometimes.
I wish I could actually do things then be a clueless being. I am suicidal, but I try my best not to reach game over. I must have some reason in this world. I’m meant to find it, and everything must happen for a reason.
Sometimes I think I get possessed my friends say I look possessed often. And I’m not sure what it is about me that make them say that. But I get dysfunctional. Dizzy, sometimes I tell myself everything around me isn’t even real. But then I begin thinking I’m the one who doesn’t exist. And it makes sense to me. I maybe next to you but my mind is not present. Am…I insane? Oh dear I can never tell.
TUESDAY JANUARY 10 9:25 PM.
It’s official.
I definitely still have feelings for Mark.
Just when I talk to him my heart goes into two thousand pounds. What a burden love can be I can’t carry it all anymore!
Anyway so the day before yesterday I made this thing where me, Jaylynn , Malia, and Connor, went to the mall! Now when we were there (funny part is I dreamt this would happen) Brie, and her friend Erie Were there. I said hi introduced her to my group and invited her to join with us.
Now Connor seemed to have really hit it off with Brie. (Funny part is he told me the night right before that he had a thing for Jaylynn.) Yet when I invited everyone to my place they were on the couch holding hands already! :D
They make a perfect couple thing is Connor has a thing of dating chicks he just met. Remember Mckenzie? That only lasted 2 weeks. I just hope the guy won’t get his heart crushed like last time. Oh how I feel so cool for having a long time long distance relationship haha….still pathetic though….
But maybe that describes love vs lust. Lusting is physical attractions. Connor is quite lusty then. So if that’s the difference is true love both? Haha I kid. I have no idea you know.
Ah god im so loud I think. Mister Matthews today seemed kind of annoyed with me. Kimberly tickled me today by “tesering” me, so I yelled and laughed at the same time and he yelled at me to lower it down.
Honestly if I could lose my voice I think a lot of my problems could be solved.
1. No horrible laugh.
2. Id no longer say stupid things that make me look like a fool.
3. It would be a talent huh?
4. I don’t have to hear people tell me to shut the fuck up all the time. (Love ya Connor <3)
5. I don’t have to sing and show how my voice sounds like a cat giving birth to a Pterodactyl.
6. I wouldn’t annoy people so much.
7. I wouldn’t do so many push ups for speaking the wrong language in class.
8. I could keep a secret pretty well.
9. NO ORAL PRESENTATIONS THAT EMBARRASS ME AS I CRY INFRONT OF THE CLASS.
10. I could just stop talking.
Sadly it would definitely create new problems. But then would I be respected? People wouldn’t be able to put my word up against me like always!
AHEUM CONNOR CONNOR CONNOR
I’m kinda annoyed how I’ve been at his back helping him so much this year and he does nothing but punch me and hurt my feelings verbally. I really hate it the way he tells me to shut up. It makes me feel worthless. Worse part is,
Could it be true?
Of course when I try to bring up the question of why he says these things he’ll always say:
“your just super sensitive.”
Which kinda….makes me feel worse….cause it’s probably true then.
If I didn’t know I’d go back to Faxton, I think I’d try again to end it all. But now I really just hope when I get back to Faxton this talking habit could end. Why can’t I shut up? I’m tired of being unwanted…..and im starting to hate people like Connor…
I really do…they just don’t give a fuck for others which is a cruel thing…hell never understand how hes hurting people. Even the ones he calls his friends…
God god god god god I wish I was young and clueless….
Well im being overdramtic…..i shouldn’t be thinking of connor like this…theres a good thing in everyone….maybe he wears a mask as well….
JANNUARY I DON’T KNOW THE DATE 2011
I Don’t know what to think again. Heres how the day started out. Im pretty happy that im hanging with everyone, Jaylynn and Bea are at the 6th maniarix! YES! That makes four fucking readers for a change! Thank god! But ill be gaining my old readers soon when I get back to Faxton anyway.
It’s the martial art class with Brie that kinda ruined my day. And its not the first time she disrespected my appearance.
I still remember a while ago she was like Mari, do something about your acne EW. And then she told me to shave my eyebrows or something….I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE ACTUALLY! :O
Today she stretched me, ive been getting taller apparently so the pants I have in class don’t cover my ankles like they used to. So when we were stretching she looked at my legs which yes, have eczema. She was like EEW MARI….And then she raised the sleeves of the pants even more to show everyone that I had eczema there and said I probably should have shaved there or something. Worst of all Alex was like. “Naaastyyy….”
Elise was err nice enough to say that wasn’t a nice thing to say to me but I feel so…err…like when Connor used to look at me and mumble “BLECH or EW” I feel kinda like a hideous monster. Not to mention I’ll never have a boyfriend. Which answers Brie’s Comment of this summer:
“Oh Mari, you’ll never get a boyfriend will you?”
Hey! Well..i kind of had Mark?
I’m lucky I don’t switch from guy to guy at least.
HEY I’m not the only one to give that opinion. Mora did too since Brie actually dumped a guy over a text on that day at the mall for Connor.
Moras wise words: “Well that’s kinda a slutty move….”
Well it kinda is….sorry Brie…you did completely shatter me tonight so yea its quite the urge to talk about the bad things over the good things for once even though you have way more good things in you then those little bad things.
Oh I feel just so urg, everyday now im just writing these feelings down….ugh….
You know whats my dream, living like Mira, from one of my stories. To be locked in a tower far away from whatever people and places. Then you can get away from all the people that make fun of you…though I would miss some very great people. Though I haven’t found the greatest one yet to make me stay. And with what Brie trapped on me I don’t think I ever will. I’ll probably just be alone, and become a crazy old cat lady living in a basement hiding from my lover mister death.