Life Without the One I Love

“Kieta come play,” Alina waved at my little girl to leave the table and play with her and her brother in the lounge room.
“No,” she shook her head and snuggled into my side.
“Come on we brought our hippo game,” she was referring to Hungry Hungry Hippos which Kieta also had back home and she loved it so when she didn't budge I knew she really wasn't doing well.
“It's ok Alina, maybe next time,” I ran my hand through Kieta's hair and held her close.

“Is she sad because Auntie Maria died?”
“Alina...” everyone around the table gasped and frowned at the little girl who was looking back at me with innocent eyes.
“Yes Alina, she just misses her mum ok,” I put my hand out and squeezed her arm, “but she will come play when she is ready ok?”
“Ok,” then Alina climbed up onto the seat with Kieta and wrapped her arms tightly around her, “sorry. I miss her too.”

We all watched in adoration as the two girls sitting next to me hugged one another and held on as if their lives depended on it. I guess people tended to forget just how well a child could understand a situation, granted there was a lot children didn't know about but as adult we tend to not give them the credit they deserve. Alina was only four but she knew when her cousin was upset, she understood why and she tried so hard to sympathize with her.

Eventually Oleg wandered back into the dining room realizing that they weren't coming back and climbed up onto Denis's lap. That little boy was a spitting image of my brother, I always wanted that, a son who looked up to me but I had Kieta and I wouldn't change that for the world. Maria always shock her head at me because that little girl had me wrapped around her equally little fingers even more so now but that was never going to change.

Kieta wriggled her way back over to me, wrapping her arms around my midsection and resting her head on stomach, “I want to sleep,” she mumbled hiding her face from everyone.
“Are you tired?” I ran my hand up and down her back.
“Mhuh.”
“Kieta look at me,” I tried to get her to turn her to look my way but she was desperate to stay hidden, crying as I plucked her from me, “what's wrong?”
“I want mummy,” she fought her way out of my grasp and ran off upstairs.

“I am sorry,” I apologized to my family who were looking on with worried faces, "I think we might just go to bed, it's been a long day.”
“Ok Zhenya,” my mother offered a small smile, “if you need anything just let us know.”
“Thank you,” I nodded before disappearing upstairs to find my little girl.

“Kieta,” I called poking my head into the guest room that was all her's when staying with Grandma and Grandad.
“Kieta,” I flicked the light on but she was no where to be seen, not in the cupboard, not under the bed, no where.

I noticed the door was shut on my room and that was a dead giveaway as to where she would be.
“Kieta,” I opened the door and turned the light on before stepping inside and shutting the door behind me.

I knew Kieta all too well because when she wasn't on the bed I knew she was under it, through every storm that would be where she hid, under our bed. Every time she was scared and couldn't get into bed with Maria and I she was under our bed. Sure enough though her pink sock clad foot was peeking out enough for me to see her.

“Kieta,” I whispered getting on my hands and knees to be level with her, “You want come out?”
“No,” I could tell she had been crying from the hitch in her voice and that broke my heart.
“Please,” I put my hand on her foot and played with her toes, “we can talk.”
“I don't want to talk,” she yanked her foot away from me.
“Ok, I stay here than,” I sat up against the bed, keeping her little pink foot in sight out the corner of my eye so I knew she wouldn't get away from me.

I knew I was probably pushing it when I reached out for her foot again but this time thankfully she didn't pull away from me.
“It be ok sweetie,” I squeezed her ankle reassuringly, “and mummy might be gone from us here, but you always remember here.”
“I just miss her,” she cried.
“I know, I miss her too... more than anyone will every know,” I mumbled the last part to myself.

After a few minutes of listening to Kieta's little broken off sobs I couldn't handle it much longer, it felt like someone was ripping my heart into tiny little pieces with each sniffle. So I did what any father would do, climbed under the bed with her.

I didn't really know how to fix it and I guess I probably never could but I needed Kieta to know that I wasn't ever going to leave her, that I would never not fight to be right there with her every step of the way. I was never going to let her down.

“I love you Kieta,” I whispered pulled her closer to me, our foreheads pressed together.
“I love you too daddy,” and then she smiled, the smallest little smile but it was a smile none the less.
“Good girl,” I planted a kiss to her forehead and just let her be.