Life Without the One I Love

Walking back in the front door of our house almost killed, it never felt more lonely than it ever had in this moment and the fact that Maria wouldn't be here ever again hit harder when I felt just how empty and sad it really was.

“I will help Kieta get her things, you take your time,” Sergei put a soft hand on my shoulder as I found myself frozen in the foyer.
I nodded not being able to talk afraid that nothing would come out, or worse I would break down in tears right there and then.

I took a deep breath and headed into the kitchen to check the fridge and make sure there was nothing going off but was stopped when I imagined all the times we spent in here together. How I would always find her in the mornings after I got back from a long road trip making me my favourite array of foods for breakfast and how I would always walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist and breathe in her scent reminding me of how much I had missed her before pampering her with kisses to show her much I missed her and nine times out of ten she would giggle and swat me away with the spatula but if I was really lucky she would boycott the food just for me.

I continued to wander around looking over the dining table where the three of us would sit each night eating dinner and sharing stories of our days, or the porch swing just outside where Maria and I would spend hours on warm nights in each others arms talking about everything and nothing.

I had to stop myself because everything I saw somehow reminded me of her even if it was for the simple fact that it belonged to the both of us.

I tried to ignore the family pictures on top of shelves and cabinets, the ones that trailed along the hallway to our bedroom, they were all torture to see. Her smiling face that could light any room she walked into, she was the pure definition of beautiful to me.

I almost couldn't let myself into our bedroom, the smell her perfume still fresh in the air as if she was right her beside me. Our bed was still unmade, everything the way we left it as if time had just stopped while I was in hospital.

I dropped onto my knees in the middle of the room, it all being too much for me at once. How could I let this happen? How could I not protect her like I had promised? I had let her down.

“I am sorry Maria,” I cried hunching over onto the floor, “I am so sorry.”
"Zhenya?" I heard Sergei behind me before he was right next to me and pulling me to my feet.
"Just leave me," I wanted to pull away from him but I couldn't find the strength to stand on my own two feet.
"Come on, sit down," he led me to the bed and collapsed on the edge needing him to stop me from falling over completely.

"Just lay there for awhile," he squeezed my knee reassuringly as I flopped back onto the bed, "I will grab you some things. What do you need?"
"Just clothes and toothbrush," I shrugged.
"Anything else?"
"No." I really couldn't have cared less about anything at this point in time. I just wanted all these feelings rushing through me to go away.

"Daddy," my little girl wandered in curiously as I sat up and wiped away the tears in my eyes.
"Yeah honey?" I pulled her up to sit in my lap.
"Are you crying because you miss mummy?" she looked up at with those adorable eyes.
I looked to Sergei for help but he turned away leaving me deal with this myself.
"Yeah, I miss her," I admitted.
"I miss her too," she threw her arms around my neck.
"But we be ok," I kissed her cheek and tightened my arms around her so she would feel safe with my words too.

I knew this was going to be hard, just Kieta and I but it was going to be harder with all the memories making it harder to move on. But I guess for now we didn't have to move on, we could spend awhile remembering and loving her.