Life Without the One I Love

I had been completely fine waking up half my life to an empty bed but the first time I woke up and Maria was there in my arms I knew I never wanted to wake up without her again. Everything just feels so empty and I fear that this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life; lost and alone.

“Zhenya!” I heard Ksenia call before the bedroom door opened and she was standing there with an apron on, spatula in hand, “do you want some scrambled eggs for breakfast?”
“Mmm,” I groaned feeling around the bed to find it empty, “where's Kieta?” I sat up abruptly.
“Don't worry she just wanted to go with Sergei to take the girls to school.”
“Oh,” I sighed and relaxed back into the mattress.
“She really wanted to go to school today but I didn't think that was the best idea just yet,” Ksenia explained as she wandered over to the window and pulled the curtains back.
“Not yet no,” I used all the energy I could find to pull myself up and climb out of bed.

As much as I didn't want to I somehow found it in me to manage a shower before stumbling downstairs and into the kitchen.

Usually I would have been over at the stove trying to steal a piece of bacon or something before Maria or in my rookie year Ksenia would be swatting at me and telling me to get lost. I couldn't even be bothered attempting to recreate that morning routine, it just didn't feel right anymore.

I heard laughter as the front door opened and it was my little girl giggling as she ran into the kitchen with Sergei right behind her.

She ran around Ksenia trying to get away but Sergei had her cornered. I found myself smiling along with the happiness that had found its way into the room with my daughter. 

"Daddy save me!" she darted across the room and wrapped her arms around me.
"Come here," I picked her up and she attached to my hip.
"You can't get me," she teased poking her little pink tongue out at her uncle.
"I will get you later," he narrowed his eyes at her but she didn't seem phased by his threat turning her attention to me.

"Morning daddy," she smiled and planted a kiss on my on my lips.
"Morning princess, you sleep ok last night?" she had been having trouble sleeping lately and nothing seemed to help, it was more or less about luck for a peaceful night without tears from my girl.
"Yes," she squeezed my cheeks and giggled as I tried to escapee her tiny hands.

"You ready for breakfast Kieta?" Ksenia distracted us before we could get into any kind of war which seemed to be her task for the day.
"Yes!" she cheered.
"Yes what?" I jabbed her in the ribs for not using her manners when I knew she knew better than that.
"Yes please Auntie Ksenia," she looked guilty as I gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Good girl."

I was proud of my little girl; she was doing so well, she took everything that was thrown at her in her stride and still managed to smile. I did however doubt my ability to be a good father, I didn't know if I could do this alone, I wanted to believe I could but I had my doubts. I also didn't want to do this alone.

"Daddy when you play hockey again?" my little girl looked up at me with a curious smile on her face.
"There might not be hockey," I told her honestly.
"Why?" Her smile was gone but the curiousity remained.
"Is hard to explain but we go back to Russia so not worry," I started and a huge smile came back onto her face as Sergei and Ksenia looked at me with disapproving eyes.
"We get to see grandma and grandad?" her eyes windened to comic proportions.
"Of course, maybe play hockey too."
"Zhenya can we please talk," Sergei stood up, his eyebrows knitted together and it was clear to me he was angry.

I got up and followed him into the lounge room ready for whatever he had to throw at me. I wasn't about to change the plans I had stirring in my head for weeks just because of all of this, if anything the accident was more of a reason to go.

"Your going back to Russia?"
"Yes we are going back to Russia, after the funeral," I clarified.
"When were you planning on telling us? We're you just going to leave without a word?" He was beginning to sound like my father.
"No I was going to tell you after the funeral."
"What, at the last second? Wait until nobody is looking and just run."
"No," I frowned.
"Just like you did all those years ago," he pushed his finger into my chest, anger completely taken over in his eyes.
"Why do you care if we go back to Russia? It's my life," I felt hurt that he was both bringing up the past and that it was him bringing it up, I thought he was better than that.
"All you ever do when things get hard is run away."
"I am not running, I am doing what is best for me and Kieta."
"Running back to Russia? That's what's best for Kieta? And what about school for her? You can't just go and change your whole life because of this."
"I am not changing my whole life," I didn't see why this was such a big deal to him, "I don't need to give you an explanation for everything I do, your not my father so just drop it."

I was done with that pointless argument. What I did with Kieta was my choice, going back to Russia to be with my parents for a while was what I needed. The lockout and Magnitogorsk being there at the same time was just an added bonus.

"Finished breakfast Kieta?" I looked at her shovelling the last of her cereal into her mouth as I picked up my plate.
"Yes, I do it," she pushed my hand away as I went to grab her bowl. 

I didn't want to let on how annoyed I was, how the anger was boiling inside of me so I just stood quietly in the kitchen as Kieta reached up on her tip toes to out her dishes in the sink and Sergei slipped back into his chair at the dining table without another word.

Ksenia was whispering something to him, a frown on her face, she didn't seem happy with him either.

"Come on sweetie, we go outside," I grabbed Kieta's hand and led her out the back door to play.

"Kick straight," I laughed as Kieta sat down, pouting, with her arms crossed as the soccer ball rolled across the grass away from me.
"I can't," her tiny face was screwed up in disapproval.
"Yes you can," I grabbed the ball and kicked it back to her.

She didn't want to do it anymore and I was confused as to whether she was actually upset or not.
"You ok?" I lent down over her still slumped form.
"Kieta," I ran my fingers up her side getting a grunt of disapproval from her.
"Come play, I show you how."

I dug my fingers into her sides and she broke out in a fit of laughter rolling around on the grass to get away from me.
"Daddy stop," she giggled laying on her back, kicking her legs trying to get me away.
"No," I grabbed her and swung her up in the air.
"Daddy!" she screamed, "not high."
"Sorry," I set her back down on her feet where she wobbled before steadying herself against my leg, "you ok?"
"Yes," she nodded frantically before running away to the swing set.

"Zhenya," Ksenia stood on the steps of the porch with her arms crossed and I didn't know if she was angry at me or Sergei.
"I don't want to talk about, I have made up my mind," I kept myself busy as I picked up the toys Kieta and I had been playing with and put them back in the sandpit.
"I am not here to change your mind," she walked over to me and slipped her arm around me, "I just want to know that Sergei and I will always be here no matter what and if you think going to Russia is going to help then fine but promise me one thing."
"What?"
"That you will come back."
"Of course I will come back. KHL is not for me, but I want to play hockey and I want to see my parents for a while."
"I understand, just understand that we worry because we love you and we don't want you to get hurt."